Birthday Party

Author: Sunnycouger (foolofatook_@hotmail.com)

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: You all don't honestly think that I own any of this do you? Roswell and all its characters are property of Melinda Metz and Jason Katims..I just take them out to play sometimes...

Category: Angst

Summary: Set during Cry Your Name when Kyle thinks about his birthday.

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Happy Birthday to you!

Once a year. One day out of 365. Each one different from the one before. A chance to celebrate...a chance for others to say "Hey, you know...we're glad you were born."

Why then did mine have to be today? Of all the other days in the year...why did it have to be today?

I had plans...turning eighteen, you know? You always have plans. Whether its getting drunk with friends at some party, having dinner with your family or finally getting down with the girl of your dreams. I never thought my plans today would involve agreeing to be a pallbearer at one of my closest friends funeral. I had plans to go and have a blast - go and drink, laugh and be merry. With said friend...I had plans.

Happy Birthday to you!

Eighteen years...doesn't seem that much in comparison to my granddad. Eighteen years of life, I actually got the calculator out to count the days but I think I got it wrong...it doesn't seem enough days somehow. 6574? Does that sound long enough for a life to have been lived? Not even as many days as that because Alex hadn't turned eighteen yet...his birthday is in June. June 21st. Hmmm, that's in fifty-five days time...how many days old would that make him? 6519? Damn, I wish I could sleep. Close my eyes and wake up from this nightmare that has me counting days. I was never that interested in numbers anyway...so why now? I know why now...now is when he died...now is the day I was born. Now is the day I will always remember. I hate now...I wish I could rewind it to better times. Happier times. Or, if that was impossible, I wish I could fast forward to when it would stop hurting...and to when it would be another day. Not April 28th.

I wish I could take more comfort from the reincarnation of Alex. Buddhists aren’t supposed to see death as the end...but as a new beginning. Why is it so hard for me to see Alex’s death as a new beginning? You know why? It’s because, no matter what, I will never see him again. I will never rib him about hanging out with girls, I will never be able to complain about alien dietary habits, I will never be able to sing Don Maclean songs badly with him while we’re stuck down some hole again and I realize I will never be able to tell him how much I admired him. He stuck his neck out more than once because he believed in something...I could barely tell anyone I had turned a different religion. So, today I get to go into school and either hear my “friends” say what a great guy he was (like they knew him), or he will be the subject of some of their best stories about how they beat up “dork Whitman” way back before he died. I know they’ll do that because that’s what I would have done. Then I knew him. Guess maybe I am like them after all...hmmm, why doesn’t that make me happy?

Happy Birthday dear Kyle!

I wish he was here. My birthday wish is for us to turn back the clocks and for this to have never happened. I wish that we would go out as planned tonight and celebrate my 6574th day on the planet with a pizza and whatever else he had planned. I wish so much...but if wishes were horses right? That's what they say...or something like that. So I can’t wish, because I have to go on and be a year older today. And when this day rolls around next year I have to forget that it felt this way today, and in ten years when its this day again...I have to smile and enjoy myself. I have to forget about what was lost.

So I guess all I have to do is forget...that's what my dad said. He said that it wasn’t today it happened so I can’t remember it as though it happened today. Easier said than done dad. If it didn’t hurt as much maybe it would be easier. Thats what I wish. I wish I could forget this pain.

That’s what I wish for today...I want it to stop hurting when I breathe. I want it to stop being real. I want my birthday to be any other day in the year. I want to wake up from this nightmare. I want to speak to Alex.

I want to have a happy birthday...

Happy Birthday to you!

End