A Letter To Alex...Love Amy

Author: Sunnycouger (foolofatook_@hotmail.com)

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: You all don't honestly think that I own any of this do you? Roswell and all its characters are property of Melinda Metz and Jason Katims..I just take them out to play sometimes...

Category: Angst

Summary: Come on, it's pretty self explanatory isn't it? Set after Alex's death but AU (since they were written before the episode aired ;)).

Authors Notes: This whole series became AU after the writers screwed up and did what they did with Tess so you will see things mentioned that didn't happen in the show ie, Tess and Max aren't together, Tess didn't kill Alex yada yada yada. You'll see when you read anyway.

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Dear Alex,
How are you doing baby? We all seem to be doing great here so I hope that you are well where you are. I hope, at the very least, that it’s better than my little girl is doing. Maria De Luca may very well be able to fool Michael and your other friends but she can’t fool me. We’re too alike no matter what she says. That’s why I tried to get her to write a letter to you…and why I’m writing myself. Ok, so I got the idea of an early morning talk show on “how to cope with grief”, so sue me. Truth be told Alex, I don’t know how I would have coped otherwise. I know you won’t be surprised by that…you knew how much I loved you didn’t you?

It seems strange to me…almost surreal even, that this could have happened. I mean, you and my Maria are the same age. God knows…I could hardly get moving without you, Maria and Liz being sat in my kitchen. You all were like a family. You were all like my family. And then it all fell apart almost over night. Liz became involved with Max Evans, and Maria became involved with Michael Guerin, (and wasn’t I thrilled about THAT at the time) and you were cut out of the group. I hated that and I told them both…god I even told Jim that I thought it was wrong. That was our first date…and he ran off right in the middle of it.

Anyway, that was in the past and they soon started to treat you better. They began treating you the way you deserved to be treated…and of course you and a certain Ms Evans had a little thing going on didn’t you? Ok…maybe it was more than a “little” thing. What? You thought I didn’t know didn’t you? Well I certainly didn’t hear it from you Mr Whitman did I? I mean, I see you every other day and it doesn’t even get a mention? Well, Tess finally told me. I was trying to find a girl for Kyle and I mentioned Isabel. Tess began rhyming off reasons why they two wouldn’t work and one of the reasons she cited to me was that Isabel was in love with you. I had no idea that it was still happening I thought that you two had split. I think Tess was terrified that I’d find Kyle a girl, she cares more for him than she knows you know? And they can pull the whole “sibling” wool over Jim’s eyes but I see what they have. I feel for Tess. That poor girl is really sad you know? I…I just didn’t think you two got on that well. I guess I was wrong there then. Kyle has been great though…a real rock for her. And Jim has been a real help. For me too.

I know he blames himself because you were Kyle’s friend and Kyle’s age…I’ve been trying to show him that something’s can’t be changed no matter how hard they are to accept…especially if they were destined to be that way. It’s funny, when I said that to Maria she burst into tears, she began saying that she hated destiny, it had ruined everything for everyone. It was the first time she had cried about you in front of me and it broke my heart. How could someone so young feel so bitterly about destiny? They are supposed to believe that they are destined to find their “soul-mate” and have the happy ending…how did she stop believing in that dream she’s had since she was a child? Maybe I’ve made her grow up too much since her dad left. Maybe I pushed her too hard. I worry about her Alex, I worry because when I look into her eyes I see raw pain there…pain and fear. She’s scared and she won’t let me help her…what good am I if I can’t get her through this? That’s why I thank God for Michael everyday. If he wasn’t there I don’t think she’d cope…she’s so terrified of letting anyone near her. Other than you and Liz, he’s the one person she has ever trusted fully. He’ll never take your place but at least he’ll never leave her…and she needs that guarantee until she’s stronger. We all do.

Oh, I almost forgot…I saw Isabel earlier today but she didn’t see me. She was sitting on the park bench and she looked beautiful as always but she looked really tired and a little sad. She was just sitting, not really looking at anything. I was speaking to Michael and he said that she was doing much better now. Of course when I spoke to Diane she said that she hasn’t been sleeping at all…but that was a few weeks ago, I’m sure that things are better now. Poor Isabel, who was it that said first love was the greatest love? Whoever it was I think they forgot to say it was also the most painful.

Well I don’t know what else I can say to you except why I wrote the letter in the first place. Now this is where the talk show guide was a little fuzzy…should I just come out and say how much I miss you? Should I just say how much I wish I could open my door and hear you all laughing like you used to do? Should I say that I wish I could have spoken to you before you left us…just to tell you that I love you and that we’ll see you again? Or should I just come out and say the hardest word in the English language? Should I just say goodbye?

Goodbye Alex, you’ll never know how much I miss you baby. Even when you’re being a smart-mouth…I still loved you. You were the closest thing I had to a son for years. Thank you for that. Oh god, this sounds cheesy. You know what I mean. After six years I would think you’re used to interpreting what I mean.

Goodbye, and look after yourself. And us.

I love you.

Amy De Luca
xxx

End