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Jokes... hahaha that's funny "Jokes" haha!

Most of these may offend you... It's not meant to.


A guy walks into a Bar says "Ouch!" 


Two blondes walk down the Street and see a mirror, the first one picks it up and says "Hey... she looks like someone I know!"

So the Second one grabs it off her and says, "Yeah Stupid... It's me!"


How do you tell if a secretary is blonde?

There's tip-ex on the screen!


How can you tell when a Secretary is Blonde and from Essex?

There's writing on the Tip-ex!


This is a really long joke so if you can't be bothered to read it then skip it!

This poor man walked into a pub, hoping that someone would buy him a free pint. He sat there for ages until someone finally came over and gave him a raffle ticket. The ticket was entered into a draw and he won a budgie in a massive cage. The poor man sat there and said to this guy "Now what the bloody hell am I meant do with a budgie ?" and this guy said "Ah don't worry this budgie can talk coz its a special budgie like", "Well what can it say ?" the poor guy asked. The budgie spoke "I'm the budgie from Fife and I've never lost a fight in me life." This poor man just sat there and thought great, not only have I got no money but now I've got a budgie to look after. He took it back to his home and every day for weeks and weeks he woke up said good morning to his budgie and it replied "I'm the budgie from Fife and I've never lost a fight in me life" This guy got really annoyed with it coz it never said nowt else so he decided he would kill it. So he went outside and caught a crow, and chucked it in this massive cage and covered it up with a rug. He heard loads of banging around and squawking until it went silent and he thought, well thank god for that I've killed that stupid budgie ! But as he uncovered the cage the budgie was sat there on his perch all clean and pristine with not one feather ruffled, and the crow was dead on the floor of the cage, the budgie said, "I'm the budgie from Fife and I've never lost a fight in me life !". He thought 'Well if a crow wont kill it then what the hell will ?!' He caught a kingfisher down by the river and lobbed it in the budgies cage, covered it and waited. Again there was loads of squawking and banging around until it went silent. He thought thank god for that the budgies dead ! He was wrong......... Once again the bird was dead and the budgie said "I'm the budgie from Fife and I've never lost a fight in me life". This poor man was getting really annoyed and he ran outside, grabbed a golden eagle and then threw it in the cage. He covered it up and saw  feathers flying everywhere, the cage bounced all the way around the house and there was loads of squawking. It all went silent and the man thought, 'Well thank god for that, something has finally killed that stupid bloody budgie!' But to his surprise the eagle was laid dead on the floor of the cage and the budgie sat there with no feathers on him at all, smiled and said "I'm the budgie from Fife and I've never had to take my coat off for a fight in my life !"


Two Guys walk into a bar and say, "Ouch!" "Ouch!"


There's a talking Bear and a Talking Rabbit walking along in the woods. They stumble across a Frog who hasn't been seen for 5 Million years. The Frog says to them, "Since you have found me, I will grant you 3 Wishes each."

So the Bear says, "Ok, I wish for every bear in this Forest, except me, to be female." The Frog replies "Granted."

The Rabbit then says, "I wish for 20 Billion Pounds" The Frog replies "Granted"

Then the Bear says, "I wish for every bear in the next forest, except for me, to be Female." The Frog replies, "Granted"

Then the Rabbit says, "I wish for a Harley Davidson Motorbike." To which the Frog replies, once again, "Granted." The Bear asks the Rabbit why he didn't just buy the Motorbike with his 20 Billion. And the Rabbit says, "You'll see in a Minute!"

So the Bear uses his last wish and says, "I wish for every Bear in the world, except for me, to be female!" The Frog replies "Granted"

Then the Rabbit says, climbing on his bike and revving it up says, "I wish for the Bear to be Gay!" and drives off! The Frog of course replies, "Granted"