Goddamn mother fucking Christ shit on a stick and every other fucking single swearword I ever heard in my whole goddamn life. None of them are enough to sum up the way I feel right now.

I push the door closed and just lean my head against it... oh... fuck... I don't care... I don't fucking care... I don't fucking care... so why do I feel like I have this big lump in my throat... Jesus Christ...

Thirty fucking years. Thirty goddamn years of sneaking in through windows... hiding under the porch... spending nights out... fucking in my Dad's car... 30 years of me hiding that I'm queer from my mother and now she knows.

I can't believe she was here. In my loft. With Justin.

Fuck... fuck... fuck... I roll my forehead against the cool metal door. If I had any sense, I'd go after her... but... it's my fucking mother. I know what she's like. She needs to think about it. To talk to her goddamn minister about it. Figure out how to ignore it.

And Justin... fuck... what the hell does she think about that... bad enough to find out I'm gay... but to find me with a fucking 18 year old... Jesus... she'd be upset enough if it was an 18 year old girl... `course, I think she'd be relieved to see that at this point.

I hear Justin behind me, padding up on the hardwood in his bare feet.

"Christ, Brian..." he says. "I am so... fucking... sorry." The kid sounds like he's going to cry.

I turn around and look at him. It's not his fault. He was brave enough to tell his parents at 17... fucking 13 years ahead of me.

"Justin... there's nothing to be sorry about. You didn't know," I scrub at my face with my palms. "I should've done this 10 years ago."

And now it's done. I actually feel relieved in some bizarre sense.

He takes a step closer to me... he's so tentative... I love it and wish it to go away at the same time.

"Yeah... but..." he starts... there's nothing to say. He knows it.

I look at him... standing there... his face all red with embarrassment... his hand on his ass... rubbing it unconsciously... must be sore... I have to smile at the ludicrousness of the situation.

"Hey... your stiffy is coming back," he's pointing to my cock... and sure enough... it'd gone down and whaddayaknow... it's back...

Oh... oh... Jesus... fuck... it's back... with a vengeance.

"Justin... why... just tell me why you thought this would be a good idea?" I push all the thoughts of my mother and my family out of my head momentarily. I just focus on my cock... hey... I'm always accused of it, so... I rub it slowly through my pants. Don't know why Justin thought I needed to take a fucking pill to keep a hard on... fuck me... this sucks...

"You are fucking kidding me, Brian," he says. Christ, he almost looks scared.

"I wish I was... Justin - I'm not kidding... my cock is... fuck..." It seriously hurts, it's so goddamn hard. I look him... he looks at me... I just shake my head. "I thought the fucking bottle said it would go down after we fucked."

"Yeah... but Brian," Justin says, taking another step closer, smirking. "I don't think you fall into the normal category of users."

I shake my head again, trying to clear it... my fucking mother... and Justin... fuck... I walk over to the couch and sit down heavily, sliding down the soft fabric, kicking my feet out. I need a fucking drink is what I need. I start to get up, but Justin's standing there in front of me, naked, and pushes me back to the couch.

"Listen, you don't - we don't..." The words to tell him that he doesn't have to let me fuck him - yet again - don't come out of my mouth easily.

He gets this little grin on his face, and sucks his bottom lip into his mouth... Jesus... he's so fucking sexy... and it's times like these, when he's just being honest... not putting on anything... just being him... goddammit... he's too much. Almost.

"Don't you want to?" He asks coyly, stepping closer to me... his legs are on either side of mine... his dick is straight up and he's so fucking hard again too...

I just look at him. No answer required, sonny boy. I reach out, sliding my hands on his ass... mmm, yeah... so soft... I want to lick him all over... my fingers near his tight little hole and I can feel the heat from his skin on the palms of my hands... I watch his face and he can't help but grimace when I brush my fingers across his hole... he must be raw...

"Justin... get the lube," I say, looking up at him as he stands over me.

"It's okay... we can do it without it..." he says... but I can see he's not so sure.

I shake my head. "Get it."

I watch him pad towards the bedroom, walking slowly... poor fucking kid...

He comes back and gives me the lube and a condom. "Okay... turn around and bend over," I direct him and he looks at me funny... I make a circling motion with my finger... go on... go on...

He does and bends over a little... I roll the condom on and pop open the lube, squeezing a generous amount into my palm... rolling it in my fingers... warming it... then realizing the cool would probably feel pretty damn good to him right now.

I'm face to face with his fucking gorgeous hole... how many times have I fucked him? How many times has my dick slid up this ass... how many times have I licked and sucked at that tender piece of skin... lost count... but I know there's so many more times to come...

I lean closer to him... and with my thumbs... very... very... slightly... pull his cheeks apart... want to be so careful... don't want to hurt him... never never never... his pucker kind of squeezes involuntarily and I know this is going to feel so good to him... I just... blow... cool air onto his skin... he jumps a little at first and I laugh... but he does too.

"Aw, Brian... fuck... yeah," he says... his voice getting hoarse like it does when he's really turned on. He pushes his ass closer to my face, and I make sure my index finger is well covered in lube... and just... very lightly... rub it across his hole... with the dual intention of making him whimper - because... fuck, he loves it when I do this - and also to make sure there'll be lots of s-l-i-d-e in him when I come in... don't want to hurt him. I keep alternating... blowing cool air onto him... then touching him lightly... then blowing... then rubbing... he bends all the way over, putting his hands on his knees, holding himself up... he gets a little wobbly, and I know he's ready for me again...

I smear the rest of the lube on my dick... Christ... just touching myself... I gasp with the sensation... oh fuck... almost fucking cum... just... with that... slow down Brian... I tell myself... fucking make this one last, if you can...

Taking his hips in my hands, I guide him to my lap... position him over my dick... whisper... "Are you okay?"...

He nods... looks at me over his shoulder and says, "Do it."

I can't see his face, and I hate that, but I trust him... the head of my cock just touches him and he jumps... I don't know if it's better to go fast or slow, so I just ease him down... watching as my dick disappears in him.

He slides on top of me... his body curves into mine, and he leans back on me... his legs slip to either side of mine, and he's got his full weight on me... his head tipped back, resting in the crook of my neck...

Shit... my dick up his ass just feels like home... God... this feels so good... I'm trying so hard not to move in him... I know he's sore... but inside he must feel good because he's taking these long... deep... breaths... like he does... I shift just a little and he sucks in air quickly... I got him... right where I want... I hold myself there... pushing just lightly his prostate... I wanna see how long I can keep him... right... here... riding on the edge of ecstasy... he just starts to make these little noises with every breath... and I grit my teeth... not moving... hold tight... fuck he's hot...

I run my hands up his inner thighs... pushing them apart slightly... opening him to me... my fingertips just graze up and down his soft skin... and just love the sense of him... of how soft he is... all over... his hair brushing against my shoulder... his cheek against mine... his back lying against my chest... his ass nestled in my crotch... the back of his thighs, sitting on mine... I feel every breath he takes...

My fingers near his cock... I have my eyes closed... I know the route... just tracing closer... closer... I feel his hair get a bit thicker as I near his pubes... just slowly... slowly... I want him to enjoy this...

And... and... I wrap my hand around the perimeter of his cock - but don't touch... I feel the heat radiating off it... then... then... just close my fingers... Jesus... he's fucking throbbing in my grip... and I stroke him... slowly... I let my other hand slide between his legs and I just rest my hand on his balls... holding him... letting him trust me...

I feel warm all over and the urge to pump my cock into his ass grows too strong... I want to make this last... I'm wrapped up in Justin, but can't help but feel guilty or something... my mother is probably standing outside my loft right now... crying her fucking eyes out for me... and what do I do? Well, I do what comes naturally... I do what I'm good at... I fuck.

Shit... it wasn't fair. Most queers had to deal with this when they were, what... 18? 20? And here I am. Fucking 30. And my mother finds out. What is it with parents? No matter how old you are, they can still make you feel fucking 12 years old. And looking at my mother... Jesus. I felt like I did when I got caught stealing cigarettes from the corner store. My mother looking at me like that. Telling me that I was going to hell for stealing. Now apparently I'm going to hell for fucking guys. Guess I'm screwed either way.

Part of me was dying to tell her about Gus and Lindsay. To tell her that I helped to create the most beautiful baby in the world. That I had a son... and that she had grandson - who wasn't a little shit like Claire's kids.

God, mom.... I can't fucking believe that Dad took it better than you. Can't fucking believe it. 'Course... I told Dad when he was sick and dying. If I'd bothered to tell either one of them when I was 18 or 20... fuck... he would've fucking shot me. I have no doubt about it. He would've fucking kicked my ass so hard... beaten me until I couldn't walk, couldn't see, and could never fuck again... the bastard. Had enough of his beatings when I was young. So it was good to tell him when he was almost gone... one last fuck you to the old man... but fuck... my Mom? She can't tell me that she didn't know. I mean, come on... how many fucking 17 year olds sleep over at their best friend's house? She knew Michael was gay... I mean she had to, the way that Deb carried on. She worked in the queerest diner in Pittsburgh for fuck's sake.

And there was that time... that one time... that I wasn't careful... and she saw me... with... oh, shit... with him. Mmmm... haven't even thought about him for so long (that's a lie Brian you think about him every time you look at Justin)... no... don't want to think about him... don't want to think about the boy who made me into the man I am today...

I keep stroking Justin's cock, so careful not to move in him. I know he hurts. I know what it fucking feels like - had enough marathon fuck sessions when I was 18 to know... isn't that what first year college was all about? But now they have these goddamn drugs so any fuck can feel 18 again... I have to tell you... fucking four hour hard on is not a good thing... but my cock up Justin's ass is... very good...

Jesus Christ... I cannot let this go... just fucking tell me... mother... why loving Justin - shit, I didn't just really think that, did I? Okay, tell me mother... why... why... caring for this kid is so wrong... if it was wrong... would I feel like I do? Like I want to wrap my arms around him so tight and protect him from everything... keep him by my side all the time every single second of every single day? That I want to be the only one who makes him get that little smile on his face when I slide my dick in him? Is it so fucking wrong... to feel this way?

It can't be. I don't care what anyone says... this isn't wrong. This is right. It's so right in so many ways... and yet all I do is try to figure out ways to fuck it up. Don't know why... but... hey... give me a break... I'm trying, aren't I? I mean... a year ago... I wouldn't have given two shits about him, his problems, how he felt... but now... but now...

He rolls his face towards me, kissing me on the cheek... I turn to meet his lips... it's awkward to kiss in this position... especially when I'm trying to be so careful... but I want to... I love kissing him... all the time... my tongue in his mouth and the way he is always always always so eager... he always wants me and it makes me feel so... fucking... good...

I pull on his cock a little harder now... sliding my fingers up and down... up and down... his hand curls around mine and it's so fucking sexy... I think of his fingers on my dick... and... I just roll his balls in my hand... his other hand wraps around that hand too... and fuck... how does he know exactly what to do to turn me on... he guides my fingers... not that I need it... but I let him... because I like the way his hand feels on mine... and I let him control it... and I just... very... slowly... lift my hips... and he yelps! Got him... got him...  I want to pump in him... no, no, no... just wait... let him take me there... let him push me over... because I'm so close... our lips are just touching now... and his eyes are closed... and our hands move faster on his cock... and he rolls his head back onto my shoulder, and moans my name over and over...

I feel the thud... thud... thud... of his heart beating on my cock... oh shit... and it feels so good... I breathe heavily onto him... and oh fuck! He clenches his ass on me...and... and... oh... yeah...

Don't move... don't move... I force myself... and I struggle with a breath... fuck... and his hands fall to the couch... pushing himself up a little and I push back in him... pleasuring him inside... not letting him go... not ever letting him go...

Then... oh Jesus Christ... he cums... and his tight little ass gets tighter on me... and... oh... oh... fuck... me... it's... so... ah... ah... ah... good... each... contraction... is... almost... too much... and... oh God... finally I cum... and it's a relief all over again... and... and... his body falls slack on mine, and he breathes heavily... sighing and laughing and rubbing his hands up and down my thighs...

He pushes himself off me and falls to the couch beside me, giving me tissues to wipe up his cum from my hands. He curls his knees up to his chest, resting his head on the cushion... and just looks at me... fuck, how he always looks at me... smiling... just... sometimes breaks my heart...

"So..." he says, smiling. "Did that do it?" He pushes his toes against my thigh and I want to grab them and suck every one...

"Fuck, Justin... I hope so," I say back. "My cock is getting sore..." I pull the condom off. I'm not kidding. Ouch. I've got a big red ring at the base of my cock from wearing so many fucking condoms today.

He pushes me with his foot. "Your dick? My ass!" he says to me, laughing... sliding his hand behind him. "You're not getting any sympathy from me."

I just shake my head... fucking day... fucking day of revelations. Revelation number one. I do not need Viagara. Revelation number two. My mother is homophobic. Revelation number three. Justin... Justin would do anything for me. Okay... none of these are really revelations. I knew all three... but... every one was justified for me today.

The thing is... what am I going to do about it? Number one has been solved... fuck I hope so... if not, I'm downloading fucking lesbian porn off the Internet to make my goddamn dick soft again... but number two... all the wicked things I could do... out her fucking lying son of bitch minister... let her see who the liar is... and number three... number three... Justin... what is there... to... do? What... aw, fuck me. Don't know which is the bigger issue.  Don't know... don't know... I realize we've just been staring at each other for the past minute. He's trying to read my thoughts... I know that look. Tough shit buddy... never getting in here. Never getting in my head... locked up tight... been practicing for 30 years.

His toes play on my thigh and it tickles... hmmm tickles... I bite my bottom lip and get ready to pounce. Tickling good. Laughing good. Makes me forget everything else. I move quickly, and push him back on the couch, tackling him... and tickle tickle tickle him until he screams... my fingers running up and down his sides... until we're both laughing and panting for breath again...

I'm lying on top of him, my head on his chest... his hands grip my wrists... and I just get so tired. My stomach hurts from laughing and I just close my eyes.

"Gonna rest..." I say. "Too tired."

He lets go of my wrists and his fingers weave into my hair. Mmmm so nice, so nice. Too tired... problems for another day... just... forget it... for now... I let him hold me and I listen to his heart beating in his chest... rhythmic... so warm... I let go... for now... and let him have me.