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Rants, Ravings, and everything else

6/14/2004 Ignorance is not an excuse.
It is grounds for lesson learned.
This lesson very often is and should be painful.
4/21/2004 Ok, so yeah I screwed up a bit and she screwed up a bit. Ok so we both screwed up alot. Her on the fact that she's insecure about things and ends up making justifications for her weaknesses. And me for being so damned blunt and literal in interpretation and speach. We're such a bad match at times, and shit like this is going to happen alot. It's a matter of how well we can put up with it, how forgiving we are, and well we can eventually come to understand one another.

Somedays it feels decently hopeless, like it's inevitable, but I just try to forge through it best I can I suppose. It's painful, yes. Worthwhile? I'm not sure, I'd need a comparison. I don't thnk I'll ever get a comparison without another relationship somehow, and that's not going to happen while this one is still going on. I'm not like that.

There still is alot of conflict. I think that those issues do need to be resolved in a positive way or the relationship fails. Simply put, these moral priorities have to be atleast similar or it will be very difficult to co-exist. Time will tell. I can only hope that the degree of wrongness I feel is due to a misunderstanding, but that's starting to get to be about as bad. There are too many misunderstandings. Communication is important too. These misunderstandings are like a stab to the foot. Every hit makes it harder to walk on.

4/16/2004 Right, I was talking to Christina. Everytime I talk to her like this, I think about how fucked up somethings are and how we should break up.
It's really fucked up that whenever you talk to her, it's her way or no way. Everything has to be exactly nice and pretty. If you don't say something nicely, no matter how much sense you make, she will hound you for not being nice about it. And in disagreement, she'll say something like "that your way of doing it." Well no shit it's my way of doing something, I thought it up and gave it as a suggestion. It's a fucking suggestion, I'm not forcing crap onto anyone.
But yeah, she gets upset so easily. The slightest mischoice in words and she's all over me for being mean or "pressuring" her too much. I'm not going to listen to her rag on Patrick for being wrong because he didn't make his point nicely and exactly in the way Christina wanted it. She can be so self centered sometimes like her view is the only one that matters to her. Anyone else's view is just discouted as "that's your way."
I'm personally fed up with it. We're not saying these things to her with the intent to make her upset (atleast I'm not), but she takes it we are doing our worst and guilts me into shutting up or letting her off and delaying the issue with things like "I'm upset now." You know what? I had been kinda upset that the conversation even started, and upset by the way it turned but you don't see me or anyone else ever really go "I'm upset, don't talk about it." It's so one sided. So all you have to do to get out of a conversation is say "I'm upset." Right I'll keep that on in mind from now on. I'll try that on debate next time I'm losing "I'm upset." Judge: "oh looks like one of our competetors is upset, we can't continue this, it's a tie."
BUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLL SSSSSHHHHHHHIIIIIIIITTTTTT!!!!
Fucking A, this pisses me off so much. Just because the fucking format isn't the way she likes it, it gives her every right to discount everything someone says.
Ya know what. This might not be her intent, but it's the end result. If she read this, her response would probably be that it's not her intent and that's all that matters.
Fuck...I missed so much of what I wanted to say, and I don't fucking think this shows how seriously pissed off I am right now. It's like a flood of sheer irritation and I have all of these things to spit out, but my fingers aren't moving fast enough, and I end up loosing 60% of what I wanted to say. Yes, this is literally not even HALF of what I want to say. Does that give you a measure of my anger at the moment?
3/24/2004 HIRING: Hitman or Assassin wanted:
Targets are (1)Owners of websites that distribute spyware and (2)the programmers that create the spyware programs.
Pay rate: $500 a kill and self satisfaction.
Requirements to get paid:
*Me having prior knowledge that you are going to attempt to complete a job.
*Proof that the person you killed is who you say s/he is (finger prints, head + photo ID).
*Proof that the person you killed is associated with spyware in the aforementioned manners (creating spyware or distributing it knowingly).

Other than that, happy hunting.

P.S. sadly this is a joke. If I had the money, I would be VERY tempted to do something like this for real.

3/18/2004 Something different today: A look into John's thinking process.

On my way home, I have 2 best routes to take when I get off the I5. Exit culver, or exit Jeffery.

Culver: 5 Traffic lights, 3 Stop signs.
Jeffery: 5 Traffic lights, 1 stop sign, 1 Train Track.

On first look, Jeffery seems shorter and less troublesome. But I should break the traffic lights down into Right/Left/Straight. The stop signs don't matter because they're all 4 way stops. The train track only has a 5% chance of stopping me.

Culver: 2 Right, 2 Straight, 1 Left.
Jeffery: 1 Left, 2 Straight, 2 Right.

Jeffery still look like the better pick? Hum...time to get nitty-gritty. The Right turns are pretty much negigable as Traffic lights. I'll catagorize Right turns and Stop Signs as "Quick Pause." Straight is generally ok because the lights stay green for people going Straight the longest, so there's about a 30-40% chance that I'll get stopped. Left turns are the worst, the usually involve lines and the light only stays green for a short while. Chance of getting stopped is much higher, closer to 40-50%. Remember, these are generalizations of Right/Left/Straight.

Culver: 5 "Quick Pauses", 2 straight (both of these are going straight on Culver, which is good because Culver is a big street and gets more right of way. Furthurmore, one of these is light that turns into a marketplace, so the chances of getting stopped are dropped to about 15-20% for one of them and 20-30% for the other), 1 left turn (this one is going from Culver onto Irvine Ctr. Dr. so it's kept on for awhile, longer than most left turns, the chances of being stopped here are also dropped to 30-40%)

Jeffery: 3 "quick pauses," 1 Left (this one utterly sucks because it's the one off I5-Jeffery off ramp. Usually they're traffic and you have to sit through 2 and sometimes 3 cycles of the light the chance of getting stopped here are near 90%, the chances of getting stopped a 2nd time are about 15%), 2 straight (your typical straight, Jeffery going through Irvine Ctr. Dr. 40-50%. The other straight is a small one that comes out of Irvine Valley College only a 15-20% stopping chance)

Culver doesn't look so bad now does it? Kinda makes it on par? Make it look better even? Hehe, this analysis isn't over yet. From guesstimation, both routes are about equally time consuming when you count in the risks. Now about road conditions.

Culver: 3 lanes all the way down, turn to Irvine center, then go residential. Culver's 3 lane stability is nice, Irvine Ctr is majorly under used by other people and freeway speeds are possible.

Jeffery: 3 lanes most of the way (it turns into 2 lanes when going over the Train tracks and that slows me down and causes a bit of frustration due to bad drivers), turns to Barranca for only a segement and the rest is negligable. Also a note to think about, the Jeffery route is somewhat "roundabout" if you look at it from the map.

Those conditions give Culver a boost in speed don't they? Now let's add in how time of day affects the traffic.

Culver: not much, k-12 public schools have been out long ago, and by the time I get here people nearby are off work already. This means, not much change for that marketplace light.

Jeffery: there's a bit, IVC is there, and college students have fucked up schedules. There's usually someone triggering a light change at the one light (boost it from a 15-20% to a 25%)

Now eyeball the thing. Culver definately looks faster doesn't it? I should probably actually calculate out the time. But just from estimation this is what I get.

Anyone else do this sorta thing? Or do I over analyse?

3/16/2004 Well, this thing has really gotten me thinking now. I know that Christina isn't going to change without some major encouragement, and I'm pretty sure that everyone else isn't going to just start "accepting" everything as is. One side has to give or they will both break.

From my understanding, Christina's views on this topic are along the lines of:
I love myself for who I am.
All my friends should love me for who I am.
People who don't aren't my friends, or don't truely care.
I should not have to give in, they should just accept me.

I understand where she's coming from, but that's an ideal world...and Anime world...several anime worlds actually. She watches all these shows about "being yourself" and I think it's getting to her head a bit. The world we live in isn't anime. Not everyone will "eventually respect you for who you are."

There are just so many things I want to say to her, but I don't want to say them at the same time. Partly, because whatever annoyances that I get from her, aren't all that great. I personally don't give a shit if she sits there and makes dirty/sexual jokes all day, or if she spent her time singing on the street as she walked, or doing anything exceptionally attention getting constantly. Yeah yeah yeah, I don't like it, but it doesn't exactly bother me enough to make her stop it.

Why has she changed for me? Because these topics of what I'm irritated with do come up eventually. Usually it's because of why I don't join in, or I ask her to stop because I notice it bugging someone else. When she asks why I don't join in, my response is usually "because I don't like it." She usually takes that more personally, and an insult to her person, and I end up having to explain WHY I dislike it.
"I don't go around singing because it makes a scene to some degree, and I don't like attention being drawn to me, plus I'm not that into or good at singing."

I'm not always that eloquent on the spot, but those are my intentions, and I make them clear later. She summarily stops, or atleast cuts back. Usually, this process involves a bit of tearshed and her being upset because I criticized her.

On the otherhand, when doing stuff that buggs other people, I'm more likely to point it out to her, or try to cease said behavior subtly so I don't "criticize" or "insult" her. She doesn't seem to take note of those around us when we're together, she's kinda too focused on me sometimes and that does bother me. It almost makes me feel like, I'm tearing her away from her friends and responsibilities to some degree. Regardless, she gets upset when I tell her that something she or we are doing is bugging people. I remember when Fall quarter started at UCI, there were comments from multiple people about "that guy who is always hanging over his girlfriend." Now pardon me if I don't want to seem like a horny dog to people. Christina's response to this sort of thing (not this one in particular) is usually along the lines of "why should we care what they think?"

But yeah, that's her mentality. I'm not sure how to break it to her other than being rather blunt and to the point. If someone has a better, or different understanding of the way her mind works, please tell me. Because I'm hoping this isn't everything. There's obviously a major social issue missing with this discription of her attitude. Usually, she fits right in, but around a slightly incorrect crowd, I see minor issues like simple preference turning into her being upset.

I hate to say it, but she seems quite childish in this respect sometimes. I suppose we're all immature and childish in our own ways at times. I feel like I'm doing an injustice talking about all of her faults and none of her virtues.

She really is very cheery usually, and pretty much herself. It's something few of us can really do I think. I for one can't. Depending on where I am and who I'm with, I have different masks. Each mask a different face, different set of knowledge, different way of thought. With family I'm usually quiet, unless I feel playful, in which case my mind is working overdrive on comments in Chinese to chime in with. With friends is the only time I really talk about games and such, and truely relax. Sometimes I even feel sort of a need to force myself to be funny, or attempt to. With classmates at school, I'm strictly buisness. Christina lacks these masks from what I see. It's something very hard to do because of how people react. In my last post, I made the comment of how one person's inherent self would conflict with other people's constantly. Living with that conflict constantly is difficult, which is why we put these restraining masks on. Christina's ability to be herself and keep going is something really just as aweinspiring as it is difficult to deal with like I stated earlier.

She most certainly is innovative and confident (sometimes too confident). Crafty would be a good word, I don't think I need to explain this. She's confident and proud which is a good thing most of the time. The only reason her pride and confidence bothers me because I try my best to be modest (I think it would be hypocritical if I claimed to be a modest person).

I suppose this is one of my faults. I more readily see the bad and the shortcomings of others, than I see their good sides. Call me a pessimist if you will. I think this entry has gone on long enough. Feed back if you don't starve while reading this.

3/14/2004 Conforming and being yourself. Can you do both? At which point does one side become too much? I see this as a problem that Christina kind of has. She's so set on being herself, that she forgets other people around her. Hearing her talk about her past, I can understand why she feels so strongly about being herself, but I do think it gets somewhat excessive.

We all try to be ourselves, but for a FACT, our inherent natures and idiosyncracies will get on each other's nerves so we try to curb it to make life more passible...and less hatefilled.

This raises the question though. At what point do we stop comforming and restraining; instead hold our ground? Most of us do this without major thought. Though difficult for some people to describe, I think I've found the answer: "what do you find more important?"

What do I mean? I mean to question, of these things about our personalities, which ones are more important to us. I personally would love to go around spouting how organized religion is a horrid thing and bitchslap all who disagree with cold hard logic and facts. Well maybe not. See while those are my beliefs to some extent (I'm not that extreme), I don't go doing that like some people in this world (why can't those terrorists attack the other fundimentalists instead of the rest of us?)

I digressed. Back on topic. What is more important? You changing/restraining the way you act/appear to fit in comfortably, or being yourself entirely? There is a balance. I suppose it's different for everyone, but I recognize that not everyone is going to be comfortable around me if I were myself 100% of the time. I'm not even talking about situational stuff. In class we all act differently, that's a given, but I'm talking about just with the people we hang out with. People that make our lives enjoyable and seek to make each other comfortable...usually. These are the people that we make major changes for. These are the people that change our lives, and we change theirs.

So what do we change and what do we keep? We change what we find not as important, things we find important need justification. If a good friend asked me to stop swearing, I would stop swearing infront of that person. If my friend tells me to become Christian, he'll likely get the middle finger unless he poses a good arguement/reason. It takes alot to make people change their core, but the small things are simple...or should be.

What about society? Should we change ourselves to society? Yes and no. Causing a sceen? Probably not a good idea. Changing jobs because some shmoe tells you to? hell no. These are extremes, but when it gets down to it, these people that we pass by daily are also kind of like the people we hang out with. You don't want to rub them the wrong way. They don't try to rub you the wrong way. At the same time, they don't try to force changes on you, and vice versa.

So where is the balance? The answer is somewhere inbetween. Where? It depends on how much people are willing to put up with you "being yourself," and how much you can put up with conforming and restraining. Those questions both lie on the question of: How much do you want to be with this group?

Does this make sense? Or are these just the ramblings of someone that has speculated on this topic too long because his girlfriend has an issue with it?

2/22/2004 Ninja
NINJA: I never saw you. You're a professional,
but you don't get to take the credit for your
work that other assassins do. The night is
your only ally, and you wouldn't have it any
other way.

Which Type of Assassin Are You? (With Anime pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla
2/3/2004

Which L5R faction do you belong to? By Jade works!
Click here to take the test.

The Lion Clan is the emperor's right hand, master tacticians who hold the empire's largest army, known for their ferocity in battle. Unlike the Crab, they value honor above all else.

WHY?!?!!?? WHY AM I A LION!!??! Bah...I guess being an Akodo isn't THAT bad, might actually be good.

On another note, I will NOT be making a sequel post to the previous one for 2 reasons. 1st and foremost, it's been resolved, 2nd, I don't think it'd be appropriate considering the responses I got.

1/28/2004 Someone else make heads or tails of this cause I'm fucking pissed off right now.
1/18/2004 Little over 4 years ago I noticed my grandmother becoming more and more senile. Forgetfulness among the least of the problems. Some of the worst involve a little bit of family history and psychology. Reading up on certain symptoms of deseases for a class in highschool, I proposed the possibility of her having Alzheimers. We took her to a specialist and she was indeed diagnosed with a decently serious case of Alzheimers, nearing the middle stages. Today, she's well on her way to the later stages of the mind rotting thing.

Basically, all I want to say is. From watching my grandmother live her life...if you can call it living, I've come to a conclusion. If I ever do hit the middle stages of Alzheimer's, I want someone to pull the plug on me. Please...it'll be doing everyone a favor. For the people that care, I would be a burden relieved, for me...well that would be nothing cept peace...and if there is an afterlife, it would be the satisfaction that I am no longer a burden.

1/11/2004 Toshiro
TOSHIRO: talented; intelligent People of your personality type should visit: www.life-blood.cjb.net

What would your Japanese name be? (male)
brought to you by Quizilla

Man, you guys (Pat, Sam, and Susan) have so many damned quizes lying around your Xangas. Some like this one are kinda cool, but some of them kinda suck.

Recent news, I've been getting back into NWN, found a nice server for a bit of mindless hack and slash. I hope it builds up to some actual quests or something later in the game.

1/4/2004 Well, the backlash came. All in all, I'm dissapointed. Kelvin's arguement could not be more ill founded. Simply put he's a self centered egomaniac. He cares nothing of another's comments, feelings, or existance. So long as there's something in it for him. He bails on his "friends" at a whim because he "feels like it."

I remember once we were going to a Magic tournament. Apparently they arranged teams without telling anyone else and he stuck himself with all the better players in our group to increase his chances of winning. I for one didn't like having people decide for me, so everyone cept kelvin agreed to Roll dice for new teams. He was so pissed off he refused to play and ended up walking home cause I was driving and didn't want to deal with his attitude which pretty much ruined the whole plan on going there with teams...or going there at all cause he was holding onto decks for other people. From what I saw, his only regret was that he misjudged the distance home and ended up getting tired from the walk. Wasn't sorry for being an asshole, wasn't sorry for alienating people, wasn't sorry for wasting everyone's time.

That there is probably the best discription of Kelvin I can think of right now. I mean, there is something to say for the confidance and ambition, but he lets it get to his head. Because of that he has the whole "I am God bow down before me" attitude. He can't even come up with a reason as to why I'm wrong about what I said. Instead making some unintelligible insult, and going off on how our "words don't count." It's rather sad. He was a good friend in the past. He's got some good advice sometimes and is usually intelligent when I thinks things through. But there in lies the problem when he's pissed. He just lashes out with no real intellect and the result is what we who are involved have been seeing. Perhaps as far as temper problems go, he has one that we haven't really put into account. Whatever it is, I hope he looks in a mirror sometime and comes to his senses.

Right now, unless it's some sort of blatant racism or sterotype that caused Kelvin to hate Pat in the first place, I don't care about the sources. However, the simple fact that Patrick has his Xanga there to mind his own buisness and vent a bit, however oddly a fashion, and Kelvin decides to intrude upon that and break whatever friendly trust there was to begin with; that is appalling to my morals.

You don't go into some random person's house and command them to redecorate. Moreover, you should have enough respect for your friends that you don't do it to them. That's another way I see whats going on. As far as Kelvin's flaming me goes. I don't give a shit. It's unintelligable. When he makes an intelligent remark about why I shouldn't be saying what I'm saying, I'll start listening again.

I'm not one to break friendships easily, but Kelvin, you're really pushing the limits of my patience. You once called yourself a totalitarian in the sense that you do what's best. Do you really think that going around and commanding people like that really works? Perhaps one day when you become dictator of the Republic of Kelvin Young, but not today, not tomorrow. You're just as "lowly" as you put us and you have no right to give us shit like that, unless you like making enemies out of your friends. Think about that maybe. I'll be seeing you in the future with alot of certainty. I'd rather meet you as a friend then as someone I despise.

1/1/2004 It's the new year and here's the first dumbass thing I get to hear about. Kelvin vs. Patrick. Well to start the source we'd have to go back to highschool where we all met and kinda grew up together...well some of us grew up, others are still immature as all fuck. Anyways, I'll be quoting from people's Xanga's a bit here. Well I suppose Kelvin has always been an asshole to Patrick, but it gets really sad here. I'll quote and comment::

1st off. Pat starts talking about some stuff that happened in the past, whining yes, very sad, and kinda pathetic. I'll have to agree. What's worse off is kelvin's response in his Xanga here:

"Sunday, November 30, 2003 So anyhow, there's this pitiful person that I know. All he can do is cry in his profile, away msg, and xanga about his imaginary girl that he lost. This babbling is so pathetic, its not the end of the world, you just not a good person to have a girl to be around. So stop making it sound like the world ends cuz u can't get a girl (even if its one that you made up). WE DON'T CARE. Go work out, cut that fat off or something, I dunno, just don't complain to us about ur physical defections and your social ineptitude, its sad and we don't care. Not only that, but when someone criticizes you about it, you casually block him yet you spend ur time crying about your shortcomings. Stop crying and take your criticism like a man, or has your dick been bitten off by a rat or something? Damn man, grow a spine.

I'm not actually that cold-hearted. He really is that low on the social ladder."

Now if that's not just downright mean, I'm not sure what is. It's not exactly constructive criticism. It's just kelvin being a total jackass like he usually is towards patrick. What I find sad is that Kelvin spends so much time on someone he dislikes. Spare time none the less. Why the fuck do you spend your spare time reading patrick's Xanga, Away message, and profile entries if you don't like him? Get a life.

In addition to that, Kelvin thinks it's in his best interest to leave numerous degrading comments in Pat's Xanga. For those of you that catch those, namely William cause he's the first Kelvin tells about his postings, you probably wont see them there anymore because they've been deleted for good reason. So anyways, Pat blocks Kelvin from commentary on the Xanga. Kelvin goes out of his way, to create a new username on Xanga so he can furthur post unnecissary shit in Patrick's Xanga, which is again blocked from commentary and the comments erased.

My point of view here:
Yeah some of the stuff that patrick puts up there is kinda odd and to some degree pathetic. But goddamnit Kelvin, you're just making yourself look like an asshole. Grow up. You think Patrick is pathetic and sad? Have a look at yourself. You're even worse for spending any time on someone's Xanga commenting as if you're going to change something. Because you're not. You're just some dipshit talking trash cause you know you can't do anything to change stuff anyways. Your life pleasures have degraded down to insulting others and being a fucktard, congratulations you've achieved a new low.

p.s. I'm not masking names and such like either of you do. I don't think it necissary to restrict commentary like that. I want you to know who you are when I'm talking about you. I'm not going to go sneak around and talk shit behind your back.

12/17/2003 Yeah, it looks rough. It'll get better. hehe...I know what those of you who've seen my old sites are thinking. "BULL SHIT" You're probably right. It never really gets better, just and empty promise. Basically what it comes down to is motivation, and no I somehow doubt any of you out there are going to "motivate" me to make this look better.

Anyways, I got bored and have been reading Xangas. Goddamn Xanga. How n00b. Yes I went through this when I went off on Blogs. Blah blah, you suck, blah blah, I'm so good cause I can make my own. Basically, since I couldn't post comments on other people's Xangas, I had to sign up, so I figured why not use some of their crappy ass service. After I registered and while I was personalizing stuff, I realized it would really be easier on me to just make my own page...again. So here I am...again...goddamnit. Shit is going down. Hopefully it'll have more sections open later.

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