celcies: so ya it would really help me if u thought some on the outgoing singing thing or maybe if we talk aobut it
celcies: cause it may seem like a minor annoyance to u but it means alot to me
FreelanceMIND: hum...
FreelanceMIND: well primarilly
FreelanceMIND: it's the drawing attention thing
FreelanceMIND: secondary is the fact that it is undoubted awkward atleast by my standards
FreelanceMIND: and I'm definately not alone in that standpoint
celcies: ya well as i've said i don't like what others think to dictate my actions
celcies: i think thats not being me
celcies: sometimes i take it a bit too far
FreelanceMIND: yeah..
FreelanceMIND: that too
celcies: but singing at least is definitely me
celcies: i've always loved it
FreelanceMIND: you're kinda on an extreme in that respect
FreelanceMIND: that's great
FreelanceMIND: I love video games and games in general
FreelanceMIND: I talk about them alot
FreelanceMIND: but I know when to stop
celcies: ...
celcies: not exactly
FreelanceMIND: and I know when there are times that I shouldn't be talking about them
celcies: its more like if u catch urself bringing it up
celcies: but its almost like breathing
FreelanceMIND: um...
celcies: and ya i do know there are times not to sing
FreelanceMIND: I dunno...I usually think before stuff comes out of my mouth
celcies: but walking around isn't it to me
FreelanceMIND: maybe not
celcies: its like a board meeting or class
celcies: that is a time not to
celcies: welll i just hear a tune or get a song in my head and its like whistling or humming along
celcies: i mean in a class i won't sing
celcies: but if i'm walking along
celcies: really happy
celcies: and enjoying a lovely day
celcies: i dont see anything wrong w/ it
celcies: people used to do such things as they worked
FreelanceMIND: they did?
celcies: it modern society that is alienating and disparages it
celcies: ya they did
celcies: u had working songs
celcies: slave working in the field songs etc
celcies: **it is modern
FreelanceMIND: right
celcies: its today that cuts people off from eachother
celcies: b4 there were records etc people would sing
celcies: and that was normal
FreelanceMIND: yeah
celcies: now its like u gotta be perfect or shut up
FreelanceMIND: but...now there's recording...
celcies: i like living my own life
celcies: i don't like being told i can't do somethign i love for no good reason
celcies: just cause u can buy it now
celcies: i don't love listening
celcies: i love singing
FreelanceMIND: have you ever brought this up to other people?
FreelanceMIND: I'm curious
FreelanceMIND: if so what do they think?
celcies: some people think its weird
celcies: some people don't
FreelanceMIND: ok...and I'm one of those people who find it wierd
celcies: i remember keenan liked that i laughed really loud took it asa sign i was enjoying myself and he liked stuff like taht
celcies: well ur the only one i care what u think
FreelanceMIND: hum...laughing excessively loud generally means you're intentionally trying to draw attention
celcies: no
FreelanceMIND: atleast that's the way things worked with me
celcies: not to me
celcies: it means i'm really liking it
celcies: and i'm loud
FreelanceMIND: I dunno, I didn't think you were that loud before
FreelanceMIND: it's only recently that I've been realizing it
celcies: its not new i'm pretty sure
celcies: john anyone one but u i would just tell them what they think doesn't matter i'm tired of people saying i talk to much or i'm too serious or just being critical
so i decided a long time ago that what mattered is taht i'm happy w/ myself
celcies: if others think i'm ugly or uncool or whatever
celcies: screw them
celcies: i'm me and happy to be me
celcies: and if i love to skip i'm gonna skip etc
celcies: but u,... u i want to understand
celcies: and accept me
FreelanceMIND: hum...
FreelanceMIND: understand this
FreelanceMIND: while you may not care what other people thing
FreelanceMIND: think**
FreelanceMIND: while it really shouldn't matter
FreelanceMIND: the truth is that it does matter
FreelanceMIND: to some degree or extent it does matter
celcies: i'll agree on some things yes
celcies: but singing and certain other things it doesn't matter
celcies: alot of times someone will join in w/ me
celcies: or say its pretty
celcies: or something
FreelanceMIND: ok...
FreelanceMIND: but do realize
FreelanceMIND: that I'm uncomfortable with it
celcies: i get that
celcies: and i'm trying to accomodate it
celcies: but u have to accomdate me a bit too
celcies: u have to let me be myself sometime
celcies: and if i can't sing in public
FreelanceMIND: ok...and in that time I'll just be me
celcies: and i can't sing around u
FreelanceMIND: oh you can sing around me
FreelanceMIND: and you can go singing in public
FreelanceMIND: just not both at the same time
FreelanceMIND: that's what gets to me
celcies: lol
FreelanceMIND: if you want to sing around me in private...I'll get thrown for a loop
celcies: well what is public
FreelanceMIND: but it'll be ok
FreelanceMIND: ok...
celcies: well i mean our friends
FreelanceMIND: basically aside from an enclosed area
celcies: is that public?
FreelanceMIND: it is kinda public
celcies: but they know me and are used to it i'd think
FreelanceMIND: that I'm more comfortable with
FreelanceMIND: why don't you ask them
FreelanceMIND: I recall talking to dan about that
FreelanceMIND: I forget what his response is though, but he understands why I find it odd
FreelanceMIND: if you're going to sing to me
FreelanceMIND: maybe give me some warning like "oh...I just thought of this song..."
FreelanceMIND: instead of just jumping into it
FreelanceMIND: cause I'll get really lost if you just jump
celcies: ic ic
celcies: well usually its i just thought of this song
FreelanceMIND: usually you just jump
celcies: or its i want to sing u this song to show u how i feel
celcies: i mean i dont say it but that is y
FreelanceMIND: yeah I figure that's why
FreelanceMIND: but it would be good if you told me and in doing so prepared me
celcies: i'll try
celcies: sometiems its just the songs in my head
celcies: i'm singing it in my head
celcies: i'm humming it
celcies: then i just start
FreelanceMIND: humming is ok
FreelanceMIND: whistling quietly fine
FreelanceMIND: but if you're going to sing..
FreelanceMIND: yeah
celcies: what i mean is its a very spontaneous thing
celcies: like laughing at a joke ur thinking of
FreelanceMIND: yeah...
FreelanceMIND: that's kinda odd too I think
FreelanceMIND: I do it, but I try not to
celcies: ur very restrictive on yourself
celcies: u like to be in control
celcies: i get that
celcies: i just don't see the value in it over somethign like laughting
FreelanceMIND: ...
celcies: unless its a situation where ur shouldn't
FreelanceMIND: laughing spontaneously...
celcies: like a funeral
FreelanceMIND: spontaneously anything is
kinda odd
celcies: well what is odd and why is odd bad?
FreelanceMIND: for the most part that is
FreelanceMIND: because it disagrees with my
senses
FreelanceMIND: that's why things are odd to
me in the first place
FreelanceMIND: when they disagree with my
senses
celcies: but ur senses sa;ying somethign is odd is
spontaneous
celcies: and would be the thing i'd attempt to control lol
FreelanceMIND: well I think spontaneous is
odd for the most part
FreelanceMIND: correction
FreelanceMIND: logical statement here
FreelanceMIND: if something is spontaneous,
it is odd to me
FreelanceMIND: but things that are odd to
me are not all spontaneous
FreelanceMIND: make sense?
celcies: its a reaction u have to stimulae that u aren't
totally in control of correct?
celcies: the reaction i mean
FreelanceMIND: yes I know
celcies: u aren't in control totally of whther u find
something odd
FreelanceMIND: but that's not something
that can be exactly "controled"
FreelanceMIND: your thoughts can't be
controled
FreelanceMIND: but your actions can
celcies: thoughts can be controled
celcies: u can choose not to think about school
FreelanceMIND: ...
celcies: and do that quite successfully most of the time
FreelanceMIND: not really
celcies: i'm a pessimist remember
FreelanceMIND: you can only control it to
some degree
celcies: i have some success sometimes
celcies: ya well ur actions too
FreelanceMIND: actions are easier to control
celcies: u can't help feeling sleepy
FreelanceMIND: and actions are what other
people see
celcies: or someother actions
celcies: y are other people so important to u? y do u son
need their approval?
FreelanceMIND: people cannot read your
thoughts, nor can they see them unless you
express them with actions or words
celcies: **so need
FreelanceMIND: why are people so
unimportant to you, are you so selfish?
celcies: do u really think i'm selfish
FreelanceMIND: excuse me for caring
celcies: others matter
FreelanceMIND: no I don't
FreelanceMIND: but saying that other
people's thoughts don't matter is something
I can't accept
celcies: and i'm very good to my friends etc
celcies: they do
celcies: but someoen telling u not to be yourself
celcies: thats somethign i can't abide
FreelanceMIND: sigh...
FreelanceMIND: somethings are just
contradictory with no right or wrong
celcies: ya
FreelanceMIND: those are preferences
celcies: well
celcies: i think there is a question to be posed here
FreelanceMIND: I try to respect other's
preferences because I could really give less of
a shit about my own
celcies: well i value myself and respect myself as well as
others
celcies: il think i need to pose a question from the
opening theme of naruto
celcies: just a sec
FreelanceMIND: you don't seem to accept the
fact that maybe being yourself sometimes
isn't the best thing to do
celcies: i agree
celcies: but sometimes its just silly not to
celcies: like not to skip cause i'm nota kid
celcies: i love the opening of naruto
celcies: have u really read it?
FreelanceMIND: yes
celcies: here's the question then u should know it
celcies: "Do you like to answer to someone's
expectation...
celcies: and be praised for it?
celcies: Even if you must sacrifice what you really want
to do...
celcies: will your smile be true?
FreelanceMIND: depends on that "what I
really want to do"
FreelanceMIND: if it's merely being quiet and
not making outbursts
FreelanceMIND: then I don't mind
celcies: ...
celcies: i'd encourage someone quiet to talk unless they
wree really happy
FreelanceMIND: I'll speak when I find it
necissary
celcies: honestly i wouldn't feel like my smile was true ifi
was just doing what someone else wanted
celcies: i know john
celcies: but that doesn't mean i have to
FreelanceMIND: you speak for the sake of it
sometimes
FreelanceMIND: I dislike doing things for the
sake of doing things
FreelanceMIND: I don't find those things
enjoyable
celcies: not as much anymore just when the silence is
disquieting between us
celcies: i think i need to get some sleep
celcies: and u need to think on this
FreelanceMIND: let me put it this way
celcies: i want someone who can like me for who i am
FreelanceMIND: I try to shave off all the
unnecissary things
celcies: thats your choice
celcies: i try not to push u to be like me
celcies: y do u want to push me to be like u
FreelanceMIND: I'm not
FreelanceMIND: why do you think that I am?
celcies: you speak for the sake of it sometimes
FreelanceMIND: I dislike doing things for the
sake of doing things
FreelanceMIND: I don't find those things
enjoyable
FreelanceMIND: that's you
FreelanceMIND: if you find that enjoyable go
ahead
celcies: celcies: Even if you must sacrifice what you
really want to do...
celcies: will your smile be true?
FreelanceMIND: depends on that "what I
really want to do"
FreelanceMIND: if it's merely being quiet and
not making outbursts
FreelanceMIND: then I don't mind
celcies: whati want is not to be quiet and make no
outbursts
celcies: i may as well be dead
celcies: to hide who i am
FreelanceMIND: that's your call
FreelanceMIND: who I am is something I
don't toss out on a whim
FreelanceMIND: if you wish to, then go ahead
celcies: i just honestly think saying that is pushing on me
and being really critical of how i act
celcies: and it hurts
FreelanceMIND: omfg...
FreelanceMIND: I've been saying the entire
time
FreelanceMIND: that you can do what you
want to do
celcies: listen
FreelanceMIND: but don't really invovle me
celcies: u say that
celcies: but u say u dont want to be there if i'm being me
FreelanceMIND: I don't like having attention
drawn to me
FreelanceMIND: is that so goddamned hard to
understand?
celcies: does that really sound like a relationship?
FreelanceMIND: it's not because you're "being
you"
FreelanceMIND: it's because I will have
attention drawn to me
FreelanceMIND: and I do NOT like that
celcies: ....
celcies: okay i don't like being sworn at
FreelanceMIND: I'm really frustrated now
celcies: well i'm really hurt okay
celcies: and i feel like ur poking at me
FreelanceMIND: you don't get it do you?
FreelanceMIND: I'm not poking at you
celcies: i get that u don't like it
FreelanceMIND: I'm not telling you to
change
celcies: but the thing is
FreelanceMIND: I'm just telling you what I
dislike
FreelanceMIND: I can live with it
celcies: how can we be together like that?
FreelanceMIND: but I won't like it for the
moment
celcies: well my point is just if i'm with u alot and u don't
want attention drawn to u
celcies: then thats alot of me not being met o make u
happy
FreelanceMIND: so then what?
celcies: so we need to find a medium or something
FreelanceMIND: cause it seemed like you were
telling me to change the way I feel
celcies: now i don't appreciate u getting mad
celcies: i was looking at a different part of this and rather
confused so u got into this scuffle
celcies: at anyrate cool down or something cause thats
just not cool
celcies: night
celcies signed off at 11:41:40 PM.