Disclaimer/Legalese: This is a figment of my insanely warped imagination. If you take it seriously, it's not my fault that you have obvious mental problems. Don't sue me, because it's not worth your while and it'll leave us both really pissed off. This is just meant in fun. No more, no less.

Miko screamed. It wasn't a pretty sound, but that surprised no one. "Who left the kitchen like this?" she demanded.

"Sue," Becky explained tersely as she passed by with a magazine under her arm.

"Oh, Jesus, not the fried rice again," Miko groaned. "She makes such a damn mess when she does it. Can't she snack on normal food?"

"No, it wasn't fried rice again," VJ sighed. "She was tryin' for sushi this time. It didn't work out real well."

Miko looked mildly confused. "How'd you know it was sushi? Or that it didn't work?"

"Wrappin' from packages of seaweed, the stink of raw fish, and bloodstains on the counter," VJ replied. "I don't know Japanese food real well, but I don't think you're supposed to bleed on it."

"Maybe it's some kinda sacrifice to the gods of the kitchen," Miko said wryly.

A sudden crash from the attached pantry interrupted the theorizing. VJ looked over and let out a rare display of irritation. "Just once," she yelled. "Just once, I'd like to think y'all could have breakfast like normal humans!"

Her protest did not get the attention of either Spoon or Crystal, who were both gripping the last box of Frosted Flakes like it was their lifeline. The two starters were glaring at each other with an intensity better suited to their opponents in some of the most intense rivalries in the WNBA. VJ could only be grateful that elbows hadn't been thrown yet.

As she watched, a soft sound came from behind her. From the shadow her teammate cast, VJ knew who it was and decided that she would leave it up to the younger woman.

The battle between Crystal and Spoon had grown to epic proportions in the meanwhile. They were pulling harder and harder until VJ was sure the box would break. Then, quietly and calmly, Camille plucked the box out of their warring grip and held it to her triumphantly.

That feeling of victory only lasted a few seconds until VJ seized it. "If you guys can't behave civilized about a damn box of breakfast cereal, I'm goin' to eat the entire thing and make you all watch," she declared.

"You wouldn't!" Camille gasped.

"Wanna bet?"

Camille looked to Crystal. "Would she?" she asked nervously.

"I never known her to renege," Crystal admitted. She passed the look along to Spoon. "You known her longer'n any of us, Teresa."

"I never seen or heard of her sayin' somethin' that she wouldn't do," Spoon said. "Can't see as she would start with this."

With that information, peace was effectively declared. Becky returned from whence she had gone. "What did I miss?" she asked, noting the disheveled appearance of Spoon and Crystal and the way that VJ held the box of cereal.

"Them three were battlin' for the Frosted Flakes and Miko's plannin' to smack Sue upside the head once she gets up," VJ summarized.

Becky pursed her lips. "Ah. So nothing unusual, in other words. Oh, by the way, I know someone stole my shampoo yesterday. I found it half-empty this morning. Tell now and I might let you live to see the Finals."

"Who on this team uses half a bottle of shampoo?" Miko answered cynically, jerking her head towards Tari. Every player in the room rolled her eyes at mention of the eccentric center.

"Yo, prissy girl, did you take my shampoo?" Becky demanded. Tari looked up slowly with a miffed expression on her pretty face.

"I told you not to call me that," she muttered irritatedly. "Can't it wait until after breakfast, anyway?"

"Fine, fine, whatever," Becky snapped. "I suppose it isn't important to you anyway."

VJ quickly insinuated herself in between them before a full-fledged fight could break out; she didn't want to have to explain to Coach Richie why Tari needed to be hospitalized. She knew he would blow his top. Still, she was sorely tempted to just let them go at it.

"Vickie, are you gonna let go of that cereal any time soon?" Crystal begged. VJ only then realized that she was still clutching the box of Frosted Flakes.

"Hold up a sec and I'll dish out for all three of y'all," she offered. Receiving three nods in response, she reached into the cupboard and brought out three bowls. The trio that had been causing trouble only a few minutes before was now quiet and expectant, clustered around VJ eagerly.

"Move!" she finally hollered. "Stop hangin' on me, it's only cereal!"

Tari glared at everyone. "Can't you guys keep the volume down? I'm trying to eat here." She covered her ears dramatically, but the monogrammed white napkin dangling from her hand ruined the effect. Miko snickered.

VJ finished with the cereal and passed out the bowls as Spoon, Crystal, and Camille took seats at the kitchen table. "Funny, Vickie, where's the damn milk?" Spoon complained.

"Give me a minute," VJ responded as she ducked back into the kitchen. Once she was in the room, she puttered briefly so as to dispel the stench of fish that still lingered, then dug around in the refrigerator until she found the milk. Curiously, she sniffed it and decided that no one would die immediately were they to drink it, even in combination with over-sugary cereal.

"Hurry up, would ya?" Crystal called. VJ rolled her eyes, reminded herself not to pass Crystal the ball when next there were two options on the offensive end, and brought out the milk. It was soon made clear to her that Spoon wanted her to pitch the milk over, and that Tari would dearly love to murder Spoon if there were any guarantee that her hands wouldn't get dirty.

"Pass the milk!" Becky yelled from her end of the table, engrossed in the most recent issue of Guns and Ammo, which seemed a mismatch with her bleached hair and absurdly youthful features. However, over the last few years, the New York Liberty had learned to respect and fear her.

Spoon reached back and made as if to send the milk carton into flight, but VJ was there to prevent disaster of the dairy variety. The players settled into an uneasy silence until Miko commented, "It's too quiet. Where's Sue? And what happened to the new girls?"

As if the world had been waiting for that cue, several things happened at once. Korie ran into the room with a cry of horror, covered in paint and limping from the sprained ankle she had suffered against Indiana. Another voice was raised in guttural curses, and from the same direction there came a high-pitched, bloodcurdling shriek. Both voices had come from the same general area that Korie had fled.

"I think we found everybody," Spoon remarked, snatching up a banana from the fruit basket and neatly rendering it into small slices.

Camille looked wildly at her teammates. "Aren't you going to go help them?" she burst out.

"Do we LOOK suicidal?" Becky countered.

"Coop, she isn't goin' to kill them, she doesn't want Coach breathin' down her neck. She's just having a little fun with them," Miko expanded. "You haven't been here long enough to get that. Now calm down and pass me somethin' out of the basket, please?"

They ate in stony silence. Sue came in behind them with paint dripping from her arms and a thong slung over her shoulder. No one even blinked in surprise. She withdrew a box of Count Chocula, then went into the refrigerator and took out the chocolate milk. Still no one commented on her appearance. As she came back out, she took the banana peel from beside Spoon's bowl and ceremoniously dropped it in Tari's hair before leaving the room to the sound of Tari's screams of protest.

VJ looked down at the kitchen table. "You know, just once, I wish y'all would behave normally, just for the novelty of it."

Spoon glanced at Tari, who had immediately forgotten the insult to her hair and was now softly singing something from "The Producers" under her breath as the banana peel slowly slid down her face towards her dainty place setting. She turned the look on Becky, the artificial blonde with the love of big guns, then passed it along to Crystal, who was staring at Tony the Tiger on the cereal box with a silly grin on her face. To make sure that VJ didn't miss the point, she added, "That ain't never goin' to happen."