"Okay, kids, the reviews are in. Let's see whether they think we were awful," Murray says in the back room at Carmine's, a traditional gathering place for the cast and crew of a new show. "Lana, how many critics-" he says the word as if it tastes bad- "did we let into the building?"

"Seven, including all four dailies," Lana announces coolly, seemingly oblivious to the susurrus the number raises among the cast and crew. The major newspapers of New York often make a point of not being seen in each other's company, especially the News and the Post. Three papers and a magazine or the Voice are the usual max. But when everyone looks at Brittany's smirk, they're reminded that this isn't exactly your normal situation. It's not every day they're able to salvage a Brittany, especially not one with the range of talents this one has.

"All right, Lana, spread 'em."

"Murray! I never guessed you'd ask!" Lana smiles and spreads the reviews out on the table. Murray picks up the first.

"Let's see what we got here. Post loved it- looks like about seven hundred words about Brittany here and ten words for the rest of you. Hey, Roni! You impressed this guy- he didn't use the word kike once when talking about you."

"Maybe he doesn't know," Roni replies. "Then again, there are a couple of things he could have called me that he didn't, isn't that right?" She flashes her bright smile at the room, the smile that makes her legend in New York and almost made her a star in Hollywood, the one that makes people not notice her shadowed dark eyes.

"Okay, the Post bought into it. Who's up next?" Ash says.

"Hah, the News. 'Sellouts!' They didn't get it. Oh, look, we even earned a column from Tony Ryan. 'For the love of the almighty dollar, Murray Moskowitz has whored out his beloved Broadhurst to Britney and the filth of Channel 1. Hey, Murray, you're too far east for this shit- the hookers are over on Eighth Ave. Let Lana use your Britney clone for what she's good for and send the bitch back where she came from, fumigate the Broadhurst, and show some respect to your fellow New Yorkers.'"

Everyone in the room is doubled over with laughter, even those who usually read the News. "No publicity like free publicity!" Murray howls. "They'll be lining up around the block to see us now! Maybe I should have Abe send Ryan some flowers for what he's done for us!" He raises his glass, and his colleagues follow suit.

"No one touches Brittany, nadie!" Louiza snaps, and the laughter increases.

Roni picks up the paper and quickly scans the article, her dark brows drawing together. "Oh, my," she mutters. "Oh, how cute, he called me a Jew for Jesus. I haven't heard about them in years. And- oh, shit, he's gonna have Los Metros after his miserable skin if he doesn't arrange for a retraction. Tal, you better take a look at this."

Talia glides across the room and takes the article with one perfectly manicured hand. She does not lose her air of unflappable dignity, but her fingers tighten around the paper. "Well, he certainly does know a lot of ways to say the same thing, doesn't he? I do believe the only reason he didn't call me a house nigger is because he would have been redacted for it. Oreo, Uncle Tom… my, I haven't seen some of these terms in years. No, my little brother will not stand for this. Nor will my older brother. I think Travis's next sermon is going to be about removing the beam from one's own eye before pointing out the splinter in one's brother's."

"We still got libel laws in New York, don't we? Cuz what he said is flat-out bull and we all know it," Ash snaps.

"Let's move on to a review that makes sense. Lana, what's the Times got to say about us?" Brittany asks, and when she speaks, all are silent.

Lana inclines her head to Brittany, grateful for the reprieve, and picks up the third paper. "They got it. They loved it. Hey, Michael! Mike! Get Barry out of your ear for a second, they focused on you here!" There's a momentary thump, as might result from a thespian's fiancé landing on the floor, and Michael is next to Lana, reading over her shoulder as she reads the review to the rest of the room, her fine, clear voice loud and well-projected enough to be heard at the back wall. "'Jae, the male icon of Channel 6, forces the showgoer to think about the dehumanization of American society. Considered inhuman by his peers, he retreats further into the purpose he has been given: serving Britney, knowing that he will be rejected but feeling that he has no other choice. Yee, whose expressive face and over-exaggerated body language have been a fixture on the improvisational theatre circuit for many years in New York, shows that his sense of timing and blocking is not restricted to the absurdity of comic relief, as every slight shift reflects a subtle change in Jae's emotional state. The "inscrutable Asian" becomes the easiest character on stage to read- except to the characters on stage, who willfully ignore or misinterpret his actions. His blind loyalty to a mistress who would rather see him dead becomes the catalyst for a small, simple, but powerful scene with Kristen (Kally McCain): "At least I am not a slave," he says to her, and she replies, "At least I am human."'"

Michael grins. "I can almost see the Tony in my hands now. I'd like to thank all the little people…" A shower of croutons interrupts him, mostly coming from Roni and Kally, who never appreciate being called short.

"What about Newsday, Lana?" Ash calls.

Lana picks up the fourth sheet of newspaper. "Ohhhhhhh, they broke out the big guns for this show. I thought those tits looked familiar." She scans it and breaks into a smile. "They loved us. 'Murray Moskowitz's new production at the Broadhurst Theatre is a masterpiece with more layers than a wedding cake.' Let's see… 'Brittany Carlson's Britney is a compelling mix of airheaded blonde coquette and ruthless tyrant… Roni Weiss gives Natalie an unexpected hardness under the light, fluid patter… no performance was bad and few were merely adequate.' She thinks we'll own the Tonys."

"So what did she think of the book?" Owl asks, a glitter in his hazel eyes.

"Why don't you ask her back at 57th Street?" Nutmeg replies. "I did. She thinks it's the best thing either of us has ever written, and you know how long she's known our work. She probably didn't put anything in the review about how she thinks I gave Ro too many good lines." She carefully doesn't look at Roni, even though it's been obvious for close to ten years that she's wanted to jump Roni's bones.

"Hold it, hold it!" Murray yells. "Okay, who squealed? Who told her we were talking to the Temple about borrowing the Miller tape? No one was supposed to know we were tackling that subject!"

"Honey, you mean you thought an industry full of queens could keep a secret?" Michael replies. "Where have you been hiding?"

"I don't think anyone did, Murray," Lana says before a catfight can break out between producer and thespian. "It sounds more like she and the audience thought Kally was good enough to get her own spotlight, not that anyone knew we were working on getting her it. I told you we had a good one there."

Kally flushes, the faintest trace of red visible against her cocoa-colored skin. "Was I really that good?" she asks quietly.

"I keep telling you you are," Roni says. "I keep telling you that I knew Kristen Brooks and that you've captured her so ridiculously well in 'Star' that sometimes I forget we're on a stage. Why don't you ever believe me?" She reaches over and affectionately ruffles Kally's hair as if she's done it a hundred times before.

"Do we care what some of the specialty magazines have to say?" Murray asks. The room choruses no. "Good. So the reviews are in. Think they like us? Think we've got a hit on our hands?" Again the room choruses, but much more positively. "I propose a toast to the woman who made it all possible." He turns to the lyricist, the composer, and the female lead and raises his glass, the rest of the cast and crew following his lead. "Never thought I'd say this, but… to Brittany!"

"TO BRITTANY!"

If TV was as interesting, intelligent, and engaging as "Britney! The Musical", we'd never leave our couches. Murray Moskowitz's new production at the Broadhurst Theatre is a masterpiece with more layers than a wedding cake. On the tourist-level surface, it's a celebration of Britney, American values, and celebrity. Brittany Carlson's Britney is a compelling mix of airheaded blonde coquette and ruthless tyrant, always clearly both even when one or the other. By turns demure and domineering, Carlson commands the stage and all on it, both by sheer stage presence and by her soaring, powerful voice. By the end of the final number, as she proclaims the way to "Be Yourself (Just Be Me)", the audience is ready to follow her even into fire, such is her power.

Look a little deeper, behind the manufactured lines and 10-Channel stereotypes, and this is a different show. Carlson, for all her talent, is but the centerpiece of a top-notch cast that blends the top names in New York theatre with up-and-comers to keep an eye on. Roni Weiss, in her first musical turn, gives Commanding Comic Natalie an unexpected hardness underneath the light, fluid patter. As always, Weiss brings electric chemistry to the stage; her scenes with Carlson and loyal bodyguard/valet Kristen (played with understated brilliance by newcomer Kally McCain) leave showgoers at the edge of their seats, waiting for the kiss or the explosion. Talia Head's unflappable dignity, even with the humiliation heaped upon her, makes Lauren a tragic heroine. Louiza Saenz's Maria is caught between two worlds, and behind the clown mask she puts on after every faux pas is real anguish. Michael Yee plays Jae with a subtle undercurrent of quiet desperation and despair that leads to the inevitable climax. And these were only the standouts in a large ensemble; no performance was bad, and few were merely adequate.

The book by Jeffrey Woods and Joella Thomas glitters with sharp wit, double entendres, multilingual puns, and sly counterculture references. Everything has multiple meanings for the careful listener. The spoken lines flow so smoothly into the musical numbers that this might be the first show to require a complete recording on cassette. Music and lyrics by Brittany Carlson- why, yes, the same Carlson who plays Britney- are more than a match for the book. More importantly, the music supports the voices as much as the voices are suited to the music. Carlson's genius is apparent in the duet with Natalie that ends the first act, "Welcome to Hollywood", as Weiss's weaker voice actually becomes a key piece of the number's dynamic.

Sets, lighting, and costumes were all provided by the NYU Performing Arts Department, and each element adds another level to the show, though the college students went too far in their zeal to demonstrate the theme. The staging is elaborate and glamorous, as one might expect for a show about Hollywood, but enough corners are intentionally cut for an observant viewer to see how superficial the glitz is and how foolish the people who believe in it are. The harsh lighting is in the same pattern, doing the thespians no favors and nearly blinding the audience at the same time.

Tickets available through TKTS come with free admission to that week's "Prelude", part of a series of brief pre-show performances that chronicle an actor's pre-Britney life, as best as can be reconstructed. They're currently on an eight-week cycle, each "Prelude" running for one week. I was fortunate enough to see Roni Weiss in "Star", playing both Esther and Eva Cohen. Weiss is superb in the difficult double role, to the point where someone in the audience asked whether she too was a twin. It seems impossible for one woman to switch so completely from Esther's hardened reserve to Eva's energetic enthusiasm in a few seconds, changing body language and mannerisms just as quickly, but Weiss does so flawlessly. Kally McCain is uncannily realistic as erstwhile point guard Kristen Brooks in her brief but critical role, and post-curtain chatter said that she had earned her own "Prelude".

Come Tony season, it's possible, even likely, that "Britney!" will dominate the awards as much as Britney dominates America. The show presents strong nominees in almost every category, including Weiss's most spectacular performance in nearly three years of treading the boards.

"Britney!" is a show for all ages and all types, a rarity in the world today. It'll be sure to make you think… no matter how unfamiliar you may be with the activity. It's a must-see, no matter your beliefs.