The class filed into lecture hall and took their seats. A few moments later, a short woman in a red power suit came up to the podium. Her jet-black hair was tied back in a severe bun that further tugged up the corners of her slanted eyes. She swept the room with a piercing amber gaze, then tapped the microphone with one tan finger. Satisfied with the machine's function, she announced, "ˇAtención, atención, ahora mismo, silencio! Ah, better. My name is Fei Sánchez, and I will be your professor for this orientation course. I am half-Chinese and half-Cuban. If this bothers you, St. John's has plenty of room left to coddle you- so get your ass out of Fordham."

She waited as a few students slunk out of the room. "Bueno. Now to business. All students are required to carry a subway map and a bus map of Manhattan- you can and will be quizzed on either of those at any time. If you live outside of Manhattan, you will also need a bus map of your borough. All students must have a street map of your neighborhood. After this class, you will be expected to carry a MetroCard at all times, as each class session, students will be randomly selected for on-site study, and you will lose points if you are not ready to go. Each of you will also need to bring a dictionary to translate between English and your choice of Spanish, Chinese, Russian, Hebrew, Arabic, Korean, or a language specific to your neighborhood.

"The point of this course is to teach you about New York City. Most of you are new to the city. You come from the brainwashed parts of this country, and not only do you have a lot to learn, you also have a lot to unlearn. This orientation course is meant to give you a solid grounding for your continued life as a New Yorker, and to make you comfortable with some of the information you'll encounter in other courses. If you didn't pick up a copy of the syllabus when you came in, someone will be around to pass one to you. It has the lesson plan, in addition to my beeper number, drop box address, and pager number. You will note that it is typewritten. Nothing in this school is entrusted to computers- nada, not your grades, not your transcripts, nothing. That's a change you'll have to get used to- when you do research, you'll have to use physical books and magazines. The Internet is not an option. If you are caught using the Internet, you will fail this course and be expelled from this school.

"Let's start on our first lesson: the geography and population of New York City." Professor Sánchez turned on the overhead projector, already primed with a transparent map of the New York metropolitan region. "New York City as we know it now, also called the asylum state by those who know no better, comprises the five historical boroughs of New York City, as well as the counties of Nassau and Suffolk. Westchester County is an unpopulated demilitarized zone, a buffer between northern New York State and the city. All else is part of Channel 1 America. It wasn't always this clearly divided, but that's next class's lesson. Today is specifically about New York City as it is today.

"There are some areas within the city that belong to the government, either because we have no use for them or because the government insists on keeping control. These areas include Wall Street, Ground Zero, and the vicinity of Times Square, including Rockefeller Center. Times Square is a special case because while the government does not control it completely, it is a place of far more significance to tourists than to natives. The stadiums- Shea Stadium, Yankee Stadium, Madison Square Garden, and Nassau Coliseum- are also, if not government territory per se, not controlled by the city.

"Now, as for the city itself. The seven-county population has most recently been estimated at eleven million. Next year's census might provide us with more accurate information, but I'd pay en efectivo- that's cash in hand- to see the government try to get accurate information out of your average New Yorker." A wave of laughs swept the class, and Professor Sánchez knew she had this group in the palm of her hand. "Most of the actual population of the city is concentrated in Brooklyn and the Bronx. The actual numbers are here." She put another transparency on the overhead projector, giving her students enough time to write down the numbers before she returned to the map.

"Manhattan is the most interesting and complicated of the boroughs. Its county seat is the Upper West Side. While it has the most government influence, it also is home to some of the most die-hard rebels." Another map went onto the projector, this one specifically of Manhattan. She indicated the lower tip of the island with her laser pointer. "This area is government territory. Don't go there unless you feel like being a curious tourist, and if you do that, only do it once. Bear in mind that what you see is not necessarily what they see." The pointer moved up. "This is old Little Italy and Chinatown. Mostly Chinatown, although the Italian population has increased disproportionately since the Chinese War. This neighborhood is one of the main nerve centers of the Bronx Society, the self-chosen protectors of New York City. Don't cross them." The pointer jerked to the eastern side of the island. "The Village has been the hub of gay life in New York for sixty years now. Boys, if you're looking for a date, try there. Moving north now, we enter an area of hospitals. It's good to know where those are, in case you misestimate how much time you need to escape after throwing a Molotov. From approximately Union Square to Columbus Circle, coastline to coastline, the denizens of Manhattan are either students at some of the other colleges or are stuck there due to their jobs.

"One exception is the theatre district- not the Times Square area proper, which is full of tourists- we'll have a special lesson on that next week, as you'll need to know where is safe and where is not- but the theaters on the side streets. There, Broadway still lives. NYU and Queens send many young thespians to the stage every year; it's also a haven for an older generation of performers who refused to submit to Britney. Please note the terminology- there is a reason why New York stage performers prefer not to be known as actors and actresses; we'll get into that in a few weeks. A Fordham ID is often good enough for a seventy-five percent discount, and even freebie offers. Take advantage!

"On the western shore of Manhattan, you'll find the West Side Stadium. Home to the New York Jets and the Violet Pride of NYU, it was built in 2008 after London's request that the 2012 Olympics be moved to New York. They claimed that it was a token of their esteem for the city, but our political science department is unanimous in saying that the more likely reason was to avoid Channel 1 and Britney. Since they've been known to debate what color sky blue is, the consensus here is quite disturbing. In the school's library, you'll find the pirated blueprints of the original stadium plans, complete with schematics for the embedded transmitters. Had these plans been approved, Channel 1 propaganda would have been beamed into every game played there, televised or not, and it's likely that Britney would have adversely affected New York even more than it already has. As the stadium stands now, it's the best place to meet cute gay men, if you're into that sort of thing.

"At Columbus Circle, you'll find the headquarters of the Street Merchants Union, housed in the Ames Mall. If you're looking for a quick, cheap piece of crap, those are the guys to go to. They specialize in fooling tourists. By now we've also reached Central Park, a great outdoor sleeping place if you have nowhere else to go. But let's go up Broadway instead. The West Side is home to the most seething cauldron of rebels in the borough, an unusual mix thrown together by chance. From 59th Street to 79th Street is the area known as Rebel's Mile. The mall marks its beginning. Further north, on the corner of 65th and Broadway, is the temple of the Lady- her priests are available twenty-four/seven for attempts at deprogramming, impartial judging, arbitration, and marriage ceremonies. Across the street from them is Lincoln Center, home of high culture and original New York productions. Our other campus is also there- that's for those who want to be a little more subtle in their hatred and desire to destroy all things American. A few blocks north, on the corner of 73rd and Broadway, is the Refuge of the Disciples of St. Sue. They make good moonshine and also sabotage government operations at every chance; they also produce rebellious writings, some of which you'll be reading in your English classes. The Thornrest Garden is two blocks up from that- a Fordham ID will get you drinks half off, but I don't want to hear that you've wasted your discount on soda or fruit juice. For those of you who want to believe that what Britney and the government have to say has nothing to do with God, you can get your validation at the First Baptist Church on the corner of 79th Street- the new minister there has an unusual and humanist take on the Bible that might surprise and please you. All along those blocks are busineses who will support and protect you should you decide to make any sudden moves against the government. Don't take too much advantage of their hospitality, but neither should you waste it.

"Further north, you enter one of the territories of Los Metros, our native-born street gang. Their colors are red and black, so if you don't want to be identified with them, don't wear those colors. Harlem is still the center of black culture in this city, so if you're looking for anything from Africa or the Caribbean, it can be found there. At 125th Street and 8th Avenue, you'll find the Tina Washington Basketball Court, captained by Angie Anderson and Shawn Smith, home to one of the New York Basketball Federation's four weekly games, as well as the burial site for this martyred activist. It's a hotspot for great games during the rest of the week, as well, though you'd better either be gay or best friends with someone who is if you want to play there. West 4th is where white boys and shy girls learn to play, and also an NYBF court, captained by Charles Aspen and Scott Kendall.

"That does it for Manhattan and brings us to discussion of the other boroughs. More details will come up in the course of this curriculum, so please save your questions." Professor Sánchez put a new map on the overhead projector; a round of applause went up when the students saw the countours of the Bronx. "Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the Bronx is our next destination. Its county seat is Grand Concourse. The only spot of government control is along the highways leading to Yankee Stadium so that brainwashed Yankee fans can see their team in peace. I must assure you here that is it perfectly all right to be a Yankee fan. It does not mean you're slipping under. The Yankees have been a tradition in this city for almost as long as there has been a city; it's not their fault that Britney appropriated them. Just sit in the bleachers or the upper deck. The view's better anyway. Other than that, our borough is strictly for militants. We kick ass and take names. The Bronx Zoo and Country Club Road are two of the best tourist traps in the city. You'll learn more about those next week, and some of you will be selected to spring traps. Arthur Avenue is home to the Cinque Famiglias, the Italian branch of the Bronx Society. I must stress this una vez más: do NOT cross Don Arturo. Neither he nor any of the other heads of the Famiglias will hesitate to eliminate you.

"Los Metros dominate the southern portion of the Bronx, as their predecessors did in earlier years. Ladies, be careful around them. Their initiation rites require the humiliation of a woman, and there are rumors that this includes rape. They are only rumors, of course, because rape is one of the five crimes of New York."

Professor Sánchez looked out over the class, seeing that many of the students were fidgeting. "All right. Five-minute break, get up and stretch your legs. We do have five more counties to go, and while the odds are that Long Island would put you to sleep, I'd rather we not put that to the test, all right?" She organized herself for the second half of the lecture while the students wandered around the room or stepped out for various things that they couldn't do during the lecture. She knew full well that a five-minute break to students really meant a ten-minute break, and she was planning on it being closer to fifteen, because the kids had to orient themselves on the campus. Not that she would ever let on to that; she wanted to scare them into coming back on time when next they met.

After the break, with students back in their seats, drinks and snacks to hand and relieved expressions on faces (along with lipstick, in some cases), Professor Sánchez resumed the lecture. "Brooklyn, the city of churches. Brooklyn, which would still be one of the largest cities in the country were it an independent entity. Brooklyn, home of those who aren't quite crazy enough for Roosevelt Island, but who aren't exactly sane, either. Those people are few and far between, but there are enough of them to make New York's reputation as a madhouse seem well deserved. Don't antagonize them. It's not worth the cheap laughs." Idly, she traced a scar along the side of her face, making her implication very clear. She shook herself and got back to the lecture, wielding her laser pointer like a weapon.

"This is Crown Heights, home to the Sons of David. They are mercenaries, available to the highest bidder. A veces, the highest bidder is the government. Deal warily with these men. This is an organization that takes the Jewish love of money to the level of caricature. Do NOT let them provoke you into using racist language. Crown Heights as a whole is a strongly Jewish neighborhood, with a population mostly of Eastern European extraction.

"Well to the south is Brighton Beach. This is the center of Russian influence in the city- some of you have already met Dmitri Abramov, our star shortstop; that's his hometown, and he'll be leading the Brighton Beach tour. This neighborhood is home to the Russian branch of the Bronx Society. They do a lot of the gambling business.

"If you're looking for a good place to take that special someone in your life-" Professor Sánchez waited as the various couples in the room took this moment to kiss, hug, hold hands, or otherwise show little gestures of the love that had saved them from Britney. "If you're looking for a good spot for a date, try Coney Island, all the way at the southern tip of the borough. Nothing says 'I love you' like screaming your head off on a roller coaster. Make sure you go to the amusement park with the official New York City seal over the door. The other one is an elaborate and very lethal tourist trap. There are also beaches nearby, but I'd be careful going in that water if I were you. There's a lot of industrial pollution in it.

"Park Slope is to lesbians what the Village is to gay boys. This neighborhood is a highly concentrated group of bars, bookstores, music stores, and support groups, and most lesbians who move to New York end up living here, or at least trying to. It's a great place to meet interesting women, whether you're just trying to make friends or actually trying to pick someone up.

"Brooklyn is home to Ebbets Arena, which bills itself as The World's Least Famous Arena. This is another NYBF site, captained by Dee Clay and Helen McCoy. It's also home to the Brooklyn Dragons, a haven for gay male basketball players, and the Harlem Globetrotters. It serves as a town hall when needed, as well as a concert site. Your Fordham ID is good for a twenty-five percent discount. This also makes Park Slope the unofficial county seat, though this is generally ignored, as the current borough president prefers to work from his Brighton Beach home.

"Flatbush Avenue is a tourist trap for those who think they can drive around New York. It funnels them into a small, congested area where they can be taunted, broken, or killed at the locals' leisure. Some of you will have a chance to participate in that process later on in the course. Many of Brooklyn's most infamous personalities congregate on Flatbush Avenue. I'm told it's because of the cheesecake, but no one's ever made it clear whether they're referring to the deli or the blonde tourist girls.

"There are pockets of gang violence in some of the older neighborhoods, but Los Metros have very little power here. The cult of the Lady, personified by the Priest of the Mad, keeps the borough focused on bringing down Britney and the government, and preparing for when the final battle will take place. Professor Allen at our Manhattan campus hosts a monthly meeting with more information about that, should you be interested. Overall, Brooklyn is home to a lot of militant forces and forces that, if pushed, can erupt in violence."

As Professor Sánchez searched for her next transparency, she said, "This would be a good time to go into detail about the five crimes of New York, since you'll need to know them. I've already mentioned rape; that, or any form of sexual assault, are strictly forbidden. We don't want them thinking that their misconceptions are true. Secondly, children are sacrosanct, since they might grow up to become New Yorkers, and we cannot rob them of that chance. Thirdly, New Yorker-on-New Yorker crime is out of the question. Again, we don't want the tourists thinking we're savages, do we? Fourth, no torture for torture's sake. We don't stoop to Britney's level. Such measures are only for deprogramming, and none of you are ready to do that to other people yet. Lastly, whatever you do to the brainwashed, don't do it outside the border. The government can't touch us in here, but they can out there, and the last thing this city needs is an excuse for the government to come crashing down on us. Ah, bueno, there it is." She reached into her briefcase and pulled out a map of Queens.

"Queens is the largest borough by size, but its population went through more upheaval than any borough except Staten Island during the early years of Britney. Queens is a quiet place for the most part, a nice place to move to if you want to raise your family in New York. Its county seat is Forest Hills, relocated only three years ago from Jamaica. My favorite nightclub is out there, Madison Green in Rego Park. They get in a lot of interesting musical acts, and because it shares ownership with the Thornrest Garden, your Fordham ID will also get you drinks half off there. You can also spit on the ashes of the mall that used to be there- it's just across the street.

"Queens Plaza, just across the Queensboro Bridge from Manhattan, is home to the main temple of Our Lady of the Lilies, patron of prostitutes, flim-flam artists, street theater, and panhandlers. Your Fordham ID will get you some respect from them, but they still request that a small fee be paid to the temple for their services. Since they carry poison, I would suggest not trying to walk out without paying. That's a common amusement among St. John's students, but you guys are smarter than that. Right?

"Woodside is the last strongly Muslim neighborhood left in the country. They keep it very much understated, as they really don't want an excuse for the government to raid, but there are a few mosques and the prayer bells ring out without fear. Some of the older generation here are survivors of Gitmo or Abu Ghraib, so if you should meet one of them, treat him with the utmost respect. They have seen the seeds being sowed for what the American government has done since. Woodside is also home to the Taxi Drivers Guild, masters of the TLC. These gentlemen, mostly Hindus and Muslims from British-controlled India and the rest of the American-controlled Middle East, enjoy showing tourists the richness of the city's ethnic diversity and the sights and sounds of the city at ninety miles an hour. If you are either Hindu or Muslim, or can pass for Arab, you may be able to apprentice to the Guild, as they only accept drivers who will scare the shit out of tourists. If not, don't get into a cab without being visibly armed; the bigger the gun, the safer the speed at which the cabbie will drive, with a floor at sixty miles an hour. Queens, en general, more than any other borough, is a patchwork of fascinating ethnic enclaves where older generations keep cultural traditions alive. Jamaica has the population you would expect, heavily Jamaican-flavored with a scattering from other islands of the Caribbean. Flushing is home to large Chinese and Korean populations, and supposedly the Chinese branch of the Bronx Society. It's the most secretive of the mobs, though, so all information is sketchy and anecdotal. Forest Hills, in central Queens, is home to many members of the Street Merchants Union, and most of the borough's advanced shopping is done there. If you have a nose for business, some of them do take apprentices.

"The Boulevard of Death is the simplest way to make sure that if anyone from Queens or Long Island goes under, they don't make it out. This street, part of the interstate highway system, stretches from the western edge of Queens into Long Island, although it changes names once it crosses the county line. The exit ramps are carefully monitored to make sure that traffic flows as New York would have it. Cars are not a normal part of the New Yorker's routine, except in some parts of Queens where the bus service is very unreliable. While Brooklynites, Manhattanites, and natives of the Bronx can determine tourists simply by the existence of cars, attackers in Queens must look at the license plate to ensure that they haven't accidentally detoured a businessman from St. Albans. After the establishment of the asylum state, New York City was given its own license plate design, one that incorporates Lady Liberty and a rainbow. This is not to be confused with the waterfall and Statue of Liberty that adorn the older New York license plate, as the state of New York refuses to acknowledge the existence of Lady Liberty as we know her."

Another pause, another transparency went on the overhead projector. "The Staten Island Ferry is a good thing, because it is still the cheapest way to get an overview of the city. However, Staten Island is pretty much a no-go zone for most New Yorkers. About the only safe place to go is St. George, the county seat. It is the province of extremely devout Hasidic Jews, people who have no truck with either Britney or New York. Supposedly, there is a very small Amish community there as well, but I can't tell you if that's true or not. Staten Island is not a place where I am very welcome, you'll understand." She said the last with a rueful laugh, and they understood.

"Nassau and Suffolk are very similar in most regards, not only to each other but also to the suburbs that many of you knew growing up. Long Island, which has historically been the shorthand for those two counties, is a place to go with a family. Both straight and gay couples move out here to raise their kids. Overall, it's a passive, neutral, pacifist place. In other words, if you're enrolled at Fordham, you probably think it sounds horribly boring and you wouldn't live there unless someone paid you the gross national product of the United States. There are a couple of useful places, though. For one thing, City Hall is located out there now, in Uniondale. That's also where you can find the memorial to the fallen of the Battle of Times Square. That will be one of our class's expeditions, and not one chosen by lottery, either: all of us will go to pay our respects. These men and women were your predecessors in the fight, your spiritual family. They were among the first to fight back, and part of what you do will be in their honor.

"The county seat for Nassau is still Mineola. Yes, the city hall and the county seat are in different places. You're surprised why? It's New York tradition! It's the place to go for gay history- not necessarily gay pride stuff, that's still the Village, but to study the history of the gay and lesbian movement in America. That is the special study of the Nassau County Historian.

"Suffolk's seat is Center Moriches, right on the water. Formerly part of the town of Brookhaven, it gained fame and independence after November of 2009. We'll be covering the history of the city next session, so don't ask me why now. The Court of St. Sue at the local Y is the last of the NYBF's courts, captained by May Jones and Reggie Kensen. It's a very upper-middle-class demographic, very professional, in contrast to much of the rest of the borough.

"Suffolk County is also where you'll be flying out of if you go to Canada or Cuba. There's an airport in Islip, one that has been forgotten and is ignored by the federal authorities. Night flights to and from Toronto, Montreal, and Vancouver run from seven-thirty to ten-thirty, as the radar stations outside the city are unmanned from eight to eleven; this gives the pilots enough time to get into Canadian airspace. There is one flight to Havana each night, at precisely seven-forty-five, no exceptions. LaGuardia and Kennedy also run Canadian flights during those times. During the rest of the day and night, the Queens airports are devoted to the tourist industry. Occasionally, Islip will have a day flight over international waters, but these are rare, and generally it means something is royally and severely fucked up. If you show nerves of steel and a taste fo the accelerator, you may be urged to go to flight school.

"The other place of note is Hempstead, which is exactly what you would expect from the name. This is where the city's finest hydroponic pot is grown. While it's not as effective or enjoyable as imported, soil-grown pot from Jamaica, it's also more within your budget as a student."

Professor Sánchez looked up from her notes and turned off the overhead projector. "This finishes your notes on the seven counties of New York City," she said. "I have one more point to make before you leave class, though, so don't walk out the door. Taryn, come in here."

From a door in the front of the room, the same one that the professor had used to come in earlier, entered an ebony-skinned girl with a mini-Afro. A knife hung from the belt of her jeans. "Mujeres y hombres, this is Taryn. Taryn was born and raised in New York. She just turned eleven a few months ago. If I were making bets with Sergei Kuznetsov in Brighton Beach, I would bet the farm on her surviving longer alone on the streets of East Tremont or Bed-Stuy than any of you. Right now. As she is. Not when she's grown into a young woman. You may think you're smart. You may think you're tough. You may think you've got things down just because you can swipe a MetroCard the right way or you cross against the light. You may think that urban legends and what you've picked up in however many months you've been here are enough to guide you. You are wrong, and being wrong will get you killed if you're not careful. Right now, you are all children, starting over again in this city. You are naďve. You know nothing.

"By the end of the summer, I'll have knocked that bullshit out of you, and only then will you be ready. Have a nice day."

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