Episode 1

Baby... One More Time

(We are taken to a desolate wasteland deep in Brooklyn. The smell of human feces and urine fills the air. Prostitutes sell their wares, and trash cans burn brightly in the middle of the night. A car carrying an American flag is seen and a man kicks a burning trash barrel in front of it, causing it to swerve and spin out of control. The man is dressed in rags and his black skin contrasts sharply with his white hair, and his friends are a mishmash of prostitutes, homeless people and the mad, yet they see the madness not in themselves but the people in the shiny tan Chrysler 300m, whose bumper stickers read "God Bless America" "Jesus is Lord" and "All Sinners Repent!" and whose American flag still waves. Inside is a family of stereotypical proportions: the blonde wife, with short curly hair and a white blouse and long black dress, saying prayers at the violent-looking people staring into their car with crowbars and knives; the rebellious but obedient oldest daughter, wearing tight jeans and a tight pink T-Shirt that says "God's Gift to Boykind" happily dancing away in her seat to the music on her headphones, her bleach-blonde locks flying in the air, cracking her gum, singing along to the God-fearing lyrics playing on her radio, not even opening her eyes to see the trouble she is in; the father, in his long-sleeved button-down shirt, tan pants, and fedora, strong, cool, collected, doesn't even break a sweat, he just stares off into the distance; the son, the youngest, about 12, in his blue soccer uniform, not even looking up from his handheld video game, making sure instead that Jesus destroys the Muslims. The screen shows an animated man in robes throwing crosses that explode on contact on men in turbans dancing wildly with M16s in their hands. The figure then veers off course and spies two women kissing in an alley. The Jesus figure blows a kiss at one of the women and a giant heart icon appears around her as she morphs into a blushing bride with a man taking her arm, while her partner drops dead and bursts into flames. The boy looks up and exclaims, "I plugged the dyke! Double points! YESSS!" The people descend on the car and begin shaking it, yet only the mother seems concerned; the father does not blink, and the children remain wrapped up in their media. One man stares at the daughter longingly, another starts yelling obscenities. Finally one of the prostitutes takes out a crowbar and smashes the window into the lap of the boy as she screams.)

Prostitute: Are you a little lost? Lemme give you a guess, ya ain't in Kansas anymore, motherfucking tourists!

Son: Ohhhh, you said a bad word, God is going to strike you down... BOOM!

Mother: Jimmy! You don't know this woman! Bob, where are we?

Bob: It's ok, the Lord will see us through. The lord is our Shepherd, who put us in here to lead these poor lost souls out of temptation and deliver them from the evil around them.

(Terrell- the man in rags- laughs, as does everyone else.)

Terrell: Oh, man, they're Channel 1 idiots! Oh yeah!!! Jesus can't save you now, brotha, but maybe your wallet, and that little (singing like ABBA) dancing queen...watch her cream...only 17!

Mother: Darla! Don't listen to that man! He's crazy! Why did you want to have our vacation in New York, you know they're crazed from 9/11!

(Darla doesn't hear her mother, or the comments. She just sings along, bouncing up and down with the beat of the music.)

Terrell: Good girl, Darla, follow the bouncing boobs!

Father: Sir, please keep your promiscuity to yourself. We are a simple Christian family. Please let us help you from your sins. I know 9/11 has scarred you bad, but you can be helped. I know you're depressed, but we can lift your spirits toward the Lord and help you become great once again.

Terrell: Praise Allah, I cannot be saved!

Children: Dad! Help us, terrorists are here!!!

(Even the cool father shows some fear. He tries to gun the car but the crowd blocks his path.)

Father: It's okay, kids, he's not really a terrorist. He's just one of their victims, we should pray for him. (All start singing "kumbaya")

(All the people around the car break out laughing and then start rocking the car harder, but cannot break their song. Another rock goes through the windshield, just missing Darla's head. Then out comes a man in a faded blue Mets jersey and dingy cap with dusty blue jeans. He is 6'4", 250lbs and has a straggly beard and long curly hair. He is carrying a bottle of vodka. Despite looking like all the other bums, if not worse, the family rejoices.)

Mother: Our prayers are answered, he is risen!

Darla: Like, man! It is HIM! Ohhhh, my God! (Swoons back into the back seat.)

(The man walks through the crowd and they all take a step back from him.)

Father: Todd Carter, what are you doing with these unholy lowlifes?

Todd: It is most important to show the low that they can rise up and be just as much a fine example as you are, sir. (Leans over to Darla) Hello there.

Darla: This is sooo, so, AWESOME. My friends will NOT believe this. (squeals)

Todd: Don't worry, young miss, here is some holy water for you to remember me by. (hands Darla the bottle of vodka then directs his attention to the boy) Hey, that's a pretty cool game there. Yeah, "Jesus and the Sinners", that's really cool, but when I was your age, we played a different game. (Pulls out a deck of cards and a book on poker) It's called hold 'em, you should teach your friends. (ruffles the boy's hair). As for you (directs his attention to the father) Manhattan's that way, (points back down the street) stay out of the crazy part and stick to the tourist attractions. Now go back home, it's 20 minutes until prime time. Can't miss prime time on channel 1, that's just un-American!

(The car pulls out of the way, and Todd watches the car pull out of sight. He begins to chuckle and then belly laugh. All the crowd gather around him, laughing and patting Todd on the back.)

Prostitute: Oh, baby, what a great job, how do you do it? They all think you're Jesus.

Todd: That's why they call me Jesus, no?

Terrell (laughing): Yeah, you tell 'em, man! They're so stupid... the lil girl prob'ly already's off to sleepyland from chugging that whole bottle of juice, thinking it was a gift from God. (laughs) And that boy, ohh man, I can just see it now, he goes to school to learn about God and he's teaching the teacher about the holy maneuver of the turn and the river! Ohh God! Those channel 1 people, they are a kick in the ASS! Man, those people need to visit more often! We all needed that one, brotha! Great job, what the hell did you do in the Army to get those brainwashed freaks to react like that anyway?

Todd: Sparked Britney's creation with my nervous breakdown.

(Todd leaves and returns home)

Terrell: That's what I love about Jesus, that kid smoked Bin Laden like a joint but he puts the blame on himself for what the pigs did with that victory! Man, those fuckers took our grief and used it to make fucking God-kissing zombies out of the rest of the country. He may have been born in Nebraska, but man, that's a pure-blooded New Yorker if I ever saw one!

(We are taken to Todd's apartment, a run-down small abode in the middle of Brooklyn; despite the poor looking conditions he has a flat screen TV and a steel fridge full of beer, vodka, and beef. He grabs a beer and sits down in his chair, and he turns on the television. There are only ten channels, all saying the same thing. The most bold station is Channel 1, showing everything the government wants with no pretenses: vapid entertainment to evaporate the minds of Americans, empty sitcoms with programmed laughter, cheesy westerns, and religious propaganda masked as song and dance. The other channels are not much better; the youth channel has a little more beat, others cater to various races and creeds, with the draw to make them part of the mainstream Christian programming of Channel 1. And of course, there are the commercials, everything meant to install the brands of the nation: Walter's Department Store, O'Reilly burgers, Oak Tree Soft Drinks {as alcohol has been banned everywhere but New York City}, Dorman computers, and Cowboy Tobacco {tobacco, however, is present everywhere}. Todd laughs his butt off at this display, the commercialism, the political messages, yet he knows its power, being one of the first to be under this control system of tightly channeled, constant messages of the same idea. It took over 20 years of trial and error, of which he was a great error, but the corporations have won now. Only New York is immune and even that is cracking, slowly, even intentionally slow, so that the rest of the country can have an object of pity. Todd ponders and then stares at Channel 1; normally he flips channels, amused by the stupidity of the system, like most New Yorkers who are immune not because of the horror of 9/11 like the public is led to believe but its long standing culture of tolerance and defiance that has made New York what it was for hundreds of years. The city stands in poverty, but no one seems to care. They're happy in their defiance and despise the rule of the right-wing government that has branded them insane. He watches the programming, but tonight the show is horribly different as he watches a sitcom intently. As always, the women are young, thin and blonde, in tight pants and revealing t-shirts. The men are all in blue jeans and sweaters and all have overbuilt muscles and short brown hair. The older people are dressed in 50's style attire, men in suits and fedoras, women in white blouses and long black skirts and high heels. This time the main characters are visiting a women's basketball game)

Woman: Man, Sara, I can't believe we actually went to this place! I mean, ummm, look at this crowd it's so...

Sara: I know, Melissa, it's sooo... well, don't look now but I think the girl behind me is melting. (Canned laughter)

Melissa: Yeah, I guess they have the same thing for blondes as the guys do. (more canned laughter)

Sara: I mean, who else would think that way...I mean they, like, try so hard to be male.

Melissa: So THAT explains why they shot at us on the way in.

Sara: Yeah, they are unholy hedonists, they see a good thing, they gotta get rid of it somehow. (Canned laughter)

Melissa: Well, they may be daughters of evil unseen since, like, Bin Laden, but at least they can dribble the basketball well.

Sara: Yeah, but since when does the point guard try to, like, dribble two basketballs at the same time? (Canned hilarity)

Melissa: Like, well, I'm surprised they haven't thrown us on the court to get a hand on our basketballs.

Sara: Why would they do that, their whole point is NOT to shoot straight, remember? (Canned laughter)

Melissa: But, hey, we can slam dunk them right to hell where they belong. Our holiness without a single weapon will kill anyone like this. (Canned applause)

Sara: C'mon, they can straighten up and get boyfriends after realizing their sin, I mean look at...at...well, they've had ten years, someone must've, like, you know, become a real human not a she-demon.

Melissa: I don't think so, and, well, I feel dirty watching. I mean, it almost makes me want to kiss you, better light up a Cowboy Light cigarette!

Sara: I know what you mean, gimme a light! (puffs) Mmmmm, reminds me of my husband. Ahhhh, nothing to take your mind off of immorality and to bring you closer to God like a-

(An usher tells the women no smoking at this event and the girls break out giggling with an uproar of canned laughter.)

Melissa: Like, God, you know you are a dumbass queer if you can't enjoy a fine, healthy, super smoky, breath-cleansing Cowboy Light cigarette! You're right, Sara, these girls deserve to die! (Canned laughter)

Sara: Who you calling girls? These things, these dykes, aren't girls, they can't even understand the importance of a good smoke! Let's go see how the guys are doing in San Francisco.

(As they leave the arena all of a sudden the girls smell smoke, and canned laughter fills the air)

Melissa: Ummm, Sara, did you remember to smush your smoke? (the canned laughter builds)

Sara: No, I don't remember... did you? (The canned laughter is trying to stifle itself knowing a big punch line is coming up)

Melissa: Ummm, like I forget...ummm...Uhhhh ohhhhh!!!!!

(The canned laughter goes bonkers as the building is shown engulfed in flames, followed by loud canned applause. The scene shifts to Todd, he is engulfed in his inner fire of rage. Gone is the Godlike trickster, because he sees where President Richardson is going with this, where the 500 corporate masters that pull the strings behind the scenes are going with this. There had been years of attempts to convert homosexuals, be it the ANNE project, or the HOPE program {Homosexual Operation for Procreative Equality}. But homosexuals can't be swayed by BRITNEY, since the morals and ideals taught by the program fly right in the face of their basic orientation, a physical condition. After years of believing that homosexuality was a social choice, the government has abandoned all hope for the homosexuals and now believes they have the chance to offer an ultimatum to gays and lesbians across the country. Todd won't even wait for the explanation from the news that always follows the three hours of entertainment reinforcement. All his memories as a soldier have returned to him, and have turned to anger. He knows what to do. It was a lesbian that saved him from the control of MACC during his military days. He squints at the television and lashes out in anger.)

Todd: That bitch! She is dead, that bitch, I swear to God, I will kill Britney!!!! (He runs out to the fire escape and looks out over the city. He sees the red, white, and blue lights racing across the bridges; they are pulling no punches, sending Federal agents over to round up homosexuals.) Haha, lemme guess, little girl, you want to beat the 11:00 news. I know how you work, one icon to drive all, every project you have one person to blame, or honor, or destroy. I know who you want, you don't think I remember her? Why else would you invade the free asylum state? Round up a famous gay and make them say how evil they are through Ashlee, then kill her in public. It'll make you look nice and strong and pretty, and ohhh, don't you feel sexy, little girl. No, no, not this, you were built because I found out about a lesbian, the one you fed to me to live out my deepest thoughts and fantasies when I did good. No, this is ending now, bitch! You can't kill me, it would cause too much of a break in the programming. I know you know me, you may not be watching but you know me.

(Todd retreats to the closet and pulls out an old Toronto Blue Jays jersey and a wrinkled blue hat with the American flag on it. He pulls out a .45 magnum pistol, loads it and places it into a holster he straps to his waist. He pulls back his hair and leaves his apartment.)

Terrell: Hey, Jesus! You going to hunt more tourists?

Todd: Playtime's over, Terrell, the blonde must die. Meet me at the Park Slope Café in an hour, round up as many guys as you can, and come armed. It'll be worth your weight in vodka, we're gonna have a blast!

Terrell: Okay, Jesus, what you gonna do?

Todd: Kill a blonde I shoulda dusted years ago.

Terrell: Who?

Todd: Channel 1.

Terrell: WHAT?!

Todd: You heard me! You know who I am, you know what I created!

Terrell: Oh, man! You gonna go for it? Okay, I'll be there, and I'll bring the crew, but man, I hope you know what you're doing!

(Todd hops onto a subway and gets off at Park Slope, the lesbian capital of the U.S. Knowing his past, the women fear him, thinking that he is trying to round them up. The red, white and blue lights arrive at the corner and five agents step out, and they all bow down when they see Todd Carter.)

Agent: Todd Carter?! The commander in chief must have been serious when he said he wants a public execution of a famous gay and/or lesbian figure. Agent Moore, CIA, proud and honored to be able to work in your presence, SIR!

Todd: Right. All right, men, we are here to kick off the removal of the evil known as homosexuality. We need to find a famous figure, that's why you were sent here. We are here to round up one woman, a heroine that many a young girl has gotten high on for the past 10 years. Our target is one Miss Deirdre Clay, the basketball princess. Still famous, still known, still young, still blonde. She has lived here for the past 7 years while playing for the local professional team. Evans, take the streets. Clark, search the stores. Uniformed officers, guard all subways. Agent Moore, you are with me. We need this girl to make the news and we have an hour. Remember, we are America and Americans-

All: NEVER FAIL!!!

(The search begins. The agents search high and low, in the cafés, in the houses, and in the streets. But Todd knows right where she is. He can sense it: the Ladies' Room: the lesbian bar where his life was saved through a mistake by his sister and best friend, who knew he was a great fan of Dee Clay, the blonde hot-shooting point guard, the woman who put women's basketball on the map, the woman who was his deepest fantasy. And then he saw her walk in, hand-in-hand with her lover, yet it seemed right, okay, and good. It drove him off the deep end. Why the secrecy, why the shame? Love always shines through; he was drilled to want to kill these people, yet he loved this woman in a perverse and bizarre way. This led to years of recovery and madness that have seemed to end here. He stares, focused at his mission, as the clock ticks away, and then he goes into the bar with Agent Moore. He sees what he saw years ago, young lesbians dancing provocatively, not knowing what is going on outside. The two men scout out the landscape from the top of the stairs, with everyone else being at the base.)

Todd: Moore, let's keep this covert, slip her out with little notice or we can end up outnumbered.

Moore: Whatever you say, you are the great captor of Bin Laden, sir!

Todd: Yeah, whatever, Moore. There she is. Now, when we move in expect these girls to go after us.

Moore: Right, I don't know how we can be covert here, sir. We are, by nature, sticking out and these ungodly people are making me want to lose control and drop a grenade.

Todd: Discipline, Moore, that's how you catch the big fish.

Moore: I know, that's how you got Bin Laden.

Todd: Fourth table from the left, the blonde in the tan pantsuit. I know that smile anywhere, the grin of innocence to try to lure the girls into eternal immorality. She makes me sick.

Moore: She's awfully short for a basketball player...

Todd: Yes, she always was short. That's why people loved her- she was just like them. What a fucking waste. She could have had her 2 kids, a nice warm house back in her Idaho, a great job... why, she got into the temptation of her teammates I can never understand. Now you go to the bar and flash your badge at the bartender, that'll create a diversion, I'll go cuff Clay before she can run.

Moore: Yes, SIR!

(Agent Moore walks down the stairs and pulls out his badge in a very flashy way yelling "federal agents!" very loudly, causing mass panic inside the bar with women running in all directions. Todd smiles- he was counting on this. He sneaks through the running crowd, keeping an eye on Dee as she heads toward the back exit. He runs to the exit, throws Dee against the wall and slaps a pair of handcuffs on her.)

Todd: We got her, let's get out of here. (Todd looks at his watch, 9:25pm)

(Todd and Agent Moore head out the rear entrance, right in front of the Park Slope Café, when they see about 200 people come out of the subways with bats, guns and knives. They unite with the lesbians to cause a full-fledged riot against about only half as many federal agents. The agents retreat; meanwhile Dee is whisked into an SUV with the American flag flying from the antenna. Agent Moore is fawning at Todd's success while Todd is driving away toward upstate. Todd calls in his catch on the radio.)

Todd: Control, this is Todd Carter. We have Dee Clay, to which station do you want her taken?

(The radio replies)

Radio: Todd Carter? It's unbelievable, sir, I'm honored.

Todd: Thanks. Now, where the hell am I going with this dyke, or do you want me to kill her right here?

Radio: No, no, sir, take her to local Channel 1 HQ in Morristown, NJ.

Todd: Negative, we got a riot in the area, request backup location.

Radio: Take her to Channel 1 in Albany, then. But hurry, you only have 90 minutes before the News. Ohhh, man, I just helped start launch a new movement with TODD CARTER! I think I'm dreaming!

(The SUV moves out at high speed with sirens wailing and takes off onto the highway. Once secure on I-87, Todd and Agent Moore begin talking.)

Moore: I must say this is a real treat. I take it Pete is really going after the queers if you are back in action.

Todd: Yeah, I always fry the big fish, I guess.

Moore: Hey, I got two kids and a wife at home, they won't believe this, so, well, can I get your autograph?

(Todd senses his chance.)

Todd: Sure. (Pulls out his gun) Signed from hell with love, Todd Carter! (He puts one shot in Moore's head and pulls over the SUV, then grabs the radio while Moore falls dead on the dashboard.) Mayday, mayday! We were ambushed by a pocket of gays near Woodstock, Agent Moore is dead, Dee Clay has escaped.

Radio: Are you all right, sir?

Todd: I'm not hurt, but I'm going to chase these assholes down on foot. Over and out!

Radio: We will put off the execution until you find her, make an example of that bitch.

(Todd jumps out of the SUV and opens the door to the back. Dee is just sitting there, stunned at what has happened, not knowing what to think. For all the ride she was praying for her safety- not the type of prayer done by the robots, but the type done by a person who truly has faith, faith that one day the nightmare will end and she can live in peace. She now stares off into space, not knowing if she's dreaming, or if this is some mental torture that the Americans are doing to her just for fun, or if this is really what it is- that Todd Carter, the liberator of Iraq, the captor of Bin Laden, has just turned against all the mind control, all the propaganda, all the God-fearing, to save her and her people from certain death. Todd undoes her handcuffs and helps her out of the SUV.)

Todd: You can run away here if you want. They'll find you, and you'll be the guest of honor on the Today show when they fry you to wake up Channel 1 to the new reality of hate and genocide against homosexuals. Or you can come with me, because I know where you will be safe. With me missing, they will not pursue the gays until you are found. They need a test case to make the propaganda into reality. As long as gays stay in New York City, they should be fine. The public will not even hear a whisper of what happened tonight, but the powers that be know there was a riot, that the maniacs of the City have taken up arms against the government. They will search elsewhere for easier prey. I guess they were testing to see if the little bitch injected enough of her poison to make the New Yorkers passive to government action. They guessed wrong.

(Dee remains speechless, because now she really doesn't know what to think. She pulls back her hair, trying to make sense of it all. Does he think she's too pretty to be gay, so he thinks there has been a mistake, or has he really snapped? What's going on here?)

Todd: I have something here. Maybe it will help you trust me.

(He pulls out a bent and faded basketball card. It is of Dee twelve years ago, at the height of her career. It has her signature and an inscription: "Todd, May the rainbow shine bright enough so we can be free...Dee Clay" She knows only one time she signed that card for a male; it is an indelible image to her. She remembers the shell shocked soldier- named Todd but not knowing who exactly he was- rambling on how she should be free, how gays are just as much in love as straights. She realized his sincerity, so she signed it in the way she normally reserved for her fellow lesbians. She gets it now, why he knows so much about the mind control that has robbed her of all her friends aside from her fellow homosexuals, that chased her into poverty and fear even as she played for her life, not knowing that the reason the league was kept alive was because of the false premise that homosexuals could somehow be "cured". There is a lump in her throat as she speaks. She understands now: he has been haunted by his discovery of her sexuality, and now he knows the government has gone too far, and he is in a position to stop them.)

Dee: I never knew that was you!

Todd: You saved my life. I'm just being a good guy and trying to return the favor. Now wait here for 10 minutes.

Dee: Why? We gotta go NOW!

(Todd first takes the SUV and drives it into the forest, jumping out in time and letting it roll into a tree and explode. He then walks back and meets Dee on the curb.)

Todd: One: leave no evidence. They may be brainwashed, but they aren't that stupid. Two, (He pulls out his cell phone and dials) Terrell! Where you at?

(A red pickup truck with an American flag waving in the bed pulls over in front of them. Inside is Terrell with a brown-haired, blue-eyed woman in a black sweater and matching skirt.)

Todd: I believe there are two of you.

(gasping) Dee: Helen! How did you know about her?

Terrell: We didn't, she found us. She thought I was a vigilante and we were gonna chase after you. I told her about everything in the car. I hope you don't mind sitting in her lap, 'cause this is the biggest truck I got. We gotta get moving toward the border before midnight when the reinforcement period ends and the nuts get off of the tube, so some night owl cop don't catch us. Not like it would be a problem, 'cause we got Jesus with us, but you know, the lower the profile, the easier it will be later.

Todd: I know this is still hard to fathom, but let's get you safely into Canada, then we can talk. But I'm not done with just you two. I am gonna destroy Britney and the government once and for all. It may take years, and I may die trying, but I'll now fight with honor rather than standing by and just laughing at it all. Call me by my military name, the Mighty Mighty Blue Jay!

(With that the scene ends with the four heading off toward Canada.)

Sponsored by