"Tear Jerk" from the musical I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change
By Joe DiPietro
(Yet another great song from ILYYPNC. This musical is hilarious! Kudos to the writers. This next song is probably best with soprano and tenor. The text here for the chick is a little rocky because I don't have the sheet music for this one, and I'm just going by ear. So there might be something a little wrong somewhere in there. For the most part I think I have it but be warned. If anyone has the lyrics to this song, please E-mail them to me!)
GUY: So I go, "Let's do dinner and a flick."
So she goes, "Well, you certainly move quick."
So I go, "Well you're so lovely that you make my heart
So she goes, "Well, what movie should we do?"
So I go, "Well that is fully up to you."...
...and that, my friends,
was my one big mistake.
My movie satisfaction
is mindless violent action
Some muscle men who tussle with Stallone.
A thriller that would thrill us,
With Arnold or Bruce Willis
And lots of naked shots of Sharon Stone.
This movie here is clawing,
So pretty and annoying,
These flicks they make for chicks who drag their men.
I bet she gets all weepy,
while I get really sleepy...
...No chick will ever pick the flick again!
GIRL: She loves he,
but he is married
to a wife who's dying reeeeeeeeeeeeallly slow.
He won't leave,
so they're all ?harried?.
GUY: I yearn to see a chain saw
A psycho with a painsaw.
How nice to see him slice each person's spleen.
A nut job in this movie,
Oh boy, would that be groovy?
He'd wipe this painful tripe right off the screen!
GIRL: The end is near,
he's at her bedside,
while his true love waits for him.
GUY: She don't look good,
She's on the dead side.
GIRL: And now Joe vows
he'll never love again!
GUY: Well, that is rather queer now...
..Did I just feel... a..tear now?
I bet it's just some sweat caught in my eye.
...Well that is fairly funny...
..my nose feels rather runny.
Good God, this might sound odd
but I might cry!
GIRL: Oh, God their at the grave now!
GUY: And Joe is acting brave now.
I'm fearful I'll be tearful any sec.
(GIRL: Ohhh God!)
GUY: I know that she'll burn rubber
if I sit here and blubber!
I'm quickly growing sickly...
I'm a wreak!
(GIRL: Ohhhh God!)
GUY: Think of thoughts more wistful,
Clint Eastwood with a fistful
of oozy guns and boozy broads galore!
Oh crap, it's just not working!
This movie is tear jerking!
This fellow will be Jell-o on the floor!....
I gotta get a grip now.
(GIRL: Joe won't cry...)
GUY: Simply cannot slip now..
(GIRL: he's too strong...)
GUY: I can close my eyes tight cause I'm a guy...
No whimpering like a puppy...
(GIRL: Joe's so brave!)
GUY: Gotta macho uppie...
How will I allow myself to....
(Breaks down and cries exaggeratedly)
GIRL: Are you okay!?
GUY: (recovers and acts macho) Fine... Allergies.
GIRL: I love men who aren't afraid to cry at the movies!
GUY: (Breaks down and cries again)
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