(We're cheating here with this monologue. This is an original monologue by Steve Martin on a Christmas special of Saturday Night Live in 1991. It's still good though.)
Steve Martin: If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it
would be that all the children to join hands and sing together in the
spirit of harmony and peace. If I had two wishes I could make this holiday
season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands
and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace. And the second would be for 30
million dollars a month to be given to me, tax-free in a Swiss bank
account. You know, if I had three wishes I could make this holiday season,
the first, of course, would be for all the children of the world to get
together and sing, the second would be for the 30 million dollars every
month to me, and the third would be for encompassing power over every
living being in the entire universe. And if I had four wishes that I could
make this holiday season, the first would be the crap about the kids
definitely, the second would be for the 30 million, the third would be for
all the power, and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year to
have an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought out slowly by Rosanna
Arquette and that model Paulina-somebody, I can't think of her name. Of
course my lovely wife can come too and she's behind me one hundred percent
here, I guarantee it. Wait a minute, maybe the sex thing should be the
first wish, so if I made that the first wish, because it could all go boom
tomorrow, then what do you got, y'know? No, no, the kids, the kids singing
would be great, that would be nice. But wait a minute, who am I kidding?
They're not going to be able to get all those kids together. I mean, the
logistics of the thing is impossible, more trouble than it's worth! So --
we reorganize! Here we go. First, the sex thing. We go with that. Second,
the money. No, we got with the power second, then the money. And then the
kids. Oh wait, oh jeez, I forgot about revenge against my enemies! Okay, I
need revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in hell!
That would be my fourth wish. And, of course, my fifth wish would be for
all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit
of harmony and peace. Thank you everybody and Merry Christmas.
