Ben's Journal
Sunday, May 30, 2004
Nothing much has happened in the four months I haven't posted a damn thing. Not that anyone noticed, but that's cool. The wagon has had more problems then I can list, but it's still functioning, which is good. Not so can be said about Molly, our Black Lab. She either has passed on, or is no longer part of our family from this day on. She deserves better, and thus hopefully she will get it.
Monday, January 26, 2004
I got my liscence on the 5th. It was easy. Got 7 points off though. I've been drivin' the Olds' Wagon and it's been good for the most part. Started my own DnD campaign. That's okay. People seem to be unwanting to be hanging around me much once again. I got new classes and I don't like them. I feel once again empty and such. I don't know why. No one likes to talk to me online much. I'm such a whiny little jerk, arn't I? I think I am...
Thursday, December 4, 2003
I...take my driver's test on janurary 5th. The day I go back to school from Winter's Break. It won't go well. Just like everyday life. I've realized a good portion of my discontentment stems from my lack of feeling of fulfilment. Every sort of creative outlet I have lacks any sort of contentment from me: my writing is poor, my role-playing is poor. The only thing I get any sort of fulfillment out of is D&D, and what's that? No one sees it more then just a nerd game, and I cannot get all that I desire (talking, and such about it) from people. No one seems interested nor even able to relate what I'm talking about. I am tired. All the time. Both mentally and physically exhausted. I don't know why, but I think that issue only worsens my other feelings. I feel from most people that they do not trust me. I don't know how to act publically anymore. I freak. I feel sad, scared, and ackward; I feel as though I am always doing bad, always doing something wrong. I contantly apologize, and that does not help for it even further excites my feelings of being a burden. I assume I am just being depressed and anti-people. I hope these feelings will go away soon...
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
I feel...unneeded, tired of my life. The same old thing over and over. The only thing which changes each week is the events of D&D. Strange, isn't it? The thing that is suppose to make me feel the most nerdy makes me feel the most alive. That's the way of things, I think. Nicole and I are getting along, and so am Casey and I. Everyone I'm getting along with except the people I could care less about. It's strange though. Despite this, I have a preptetual feeling of unwantedness from within the group, that they are in some way unneeding of me or in some way hampered by my mere existance. It saddens me greatly to feel this way, especially when I know it to be otherwise. But knowledge is not the same as feeling, is it? I know they don't mind me there. On another note, I had my first DMing session of D&D, and I liked it, though due to complications I get the feeling we will not be playing again any time soon. I saw Matrix: Revolutions. It was good.
Sunday, October 12th, 2003
Nicole's birthday party was yesterday. It was pretty awesome. Casey went with me and we took the old car and we drove around alot. We ended up sleeping in it. It was all-in-all a very nice day. Yes indeed. *smiles* I actually have nothing else to say. Except that I'm freakin' exhausted. Bye.
Sunday, October 5th, 2003
Yesterday was Homecoming dance thing. It was okay. I had a bit of fun, not the most, not the least. The usual for such events. Nikki looked really nice. I didn't though. Just my same old ugly self. Yes indeed.
Thursday, September 18th, 2003
Oi. Not much new, save casey borrowed me his laptop. That was so bloody nice of him it's not funny. Continuing to work on D&D adventure. Cory borrowed me his brothers DM guide and Monster Manual. That was nice, too. Kyle continues to completely ignore me. I don't know why. *sigh*
Sunday, September 7th, 2003
Well. Today's sunday. Nothing much happening today. Mark hung out here for like a two hours. Yesterday was more entertaining. At about 2:30 I went over to nikki's and we made her a D&D character, and then we went to some japanese resturant and we went to a movie. It was a good movie. And I bought some pocky. But that's about it for things happening. I'm so tired these days though.
Thursday, September 5th, 2003
Yeah. School began. It sucks. Well, my first two classes do. My second two are nice. Everything else sucks though. I keep getting this feeling that says no one wants you around...they'd be happier if you were gone... and...I don't know. I just feel...lonely. Real lonely.
Sunday, August 31, 2003
Well...well...well. I redid the website thingie. Don't know why. The other just got cluttered. Anyway. I'm growing increasingly depressed. Don't know why. And it seems no one cares. I just don't know. I'm so tired. I'm gonna go. Sorry. Bye.
Journal, Page 3
Email: jedi243@hotmail.com
