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Chicken Scratch

Letters to the Mascot

 

Chickem Chokem has been the DCI mascot since the beginning back in 1997.  This clever rubber chicken has since begun answering email, letters, and chat questions.  Here, you’ll find several letters, some old, some new, which C. Chokem has answered personally.

 

 

Dear Chickem,

        I read your answers to the last questions, and I feel you are being too harsh with your readers.  You seem to have a major chip on your shoulder.  How’d you manage to get into comedy anyway?

-Joe Mudder

 

Dear Joe,

          No, I am usually a peaceful chicken.  I don’t like to cause trouble, but it looks like you do.  I like butterflies and flowers and I love comedy, but as humorous as I find them, stupid people are the “chip on my shoulder” as you put it.  And another thing, have a good look at a rubber chicken and tell me how big of a chip could fit on my “shoulder”.  There are a good number of funny people who got their fame by being mad at everything.  I don’t ask for fame, but I offer up my experiences to anyone who knows what it’s like.  Why?  Because we know that stupid people are funny.

-C. Chokem

 

 

Dear C,

        Hey, how’s it going?  You’re awesome the way you just let people have it.  I wish I could just tell people off like that.  I have a question about…well…are there baby rubber chickens?

 

Curiously,

Simon A. Gatcher

 

Dear Simon,

          What an excellent question!  I never remember being a baby.  I know there are plastic eggs, so perhaps some rubber chicken has mastered the act, but as for me, I’m still baffled by it.  Rubber chickens are neither male nor female, so it could basically happen to any one of us at any given time.  My advice, if you have a rubber chicken, remind them that being rubber doesn’t mean they’re safe, so keep rubber chickens separated.  And if you hear peeping accompanied by the sounds of balloons being twisted, be careful where you step.

-C. Chokem

 

Write to Chickem Chokem!

 

 

Dear Chickem,

            Hi, I’ve been a fan of your local newsletter for years and I’m glad to see you’re finally going online.  Why have you waited so long and is there any chance you’ll be doing your own television show in the near future?

 

Sincerely,

Marcie Guinness

 

Dear Marcie,

                I’m glad to hear someone’s still reading the DCI news after all this time.  I had waited so long to go online for two reasons: one, I’m a rubber chicken and since you need a credit card for most domain hosts (and because rubber chickens find it difficult to acquire such credit cards) I was unable to make it happen on my own; secondly, it was highly unlikely anyone would want to visit such a website.  Imagine, a comedy website with rubber chicken practically running the show.  Does that sound like something that would get a lot of publicity?  Well, perhaps I underestimate the power of my charm.

                As for going on television, NO!  I’m a bit camera shy.  And for goodness sake, lady, I’m a rubber chicken!  I can talk, but my beak doesn’t move, so people would be really bored thinking they were watching a bad puppet show.  Besides, Camilla made it impossible for chickens and puppets to perform together after her run with Gonzo.  So I’m sorry, Marcie, you’ll just have to be satisfied knowing that you’re favorite mascot is working hard to bring happiness online.

 

-C. Chokem

 

Dear Mr. Chokem,

          I collect rubber chickens, and I have one for every year I’ve been alive, each from a different toy company and each with it’s own unique personality, whoever, none of mine talk to me and I’ve never noticed a rubber chicken having a sense of humor of its own.  Are you a real rubber chicken and if so what brand and year?

 

-Jonah Varg

 

Dear Jonah,

                What the heck kind of question is that?  Do you find me asking people what their ethnicity is, or how old they are?  No, because these things aren’t important.  Oh, and maybe your rubber chickens aren’t talking to you because you keep them categorized by year and brand.  Some people don’t know, rubber chicken brands and stamped on either their underside or their posterior, so by looking for such information would be like getting that highly uncomfortable physical examination.  And since rubber chicken thought is usually well above normal conversational level, your rubber chickens may not feel like they can confide in you these deep thoughts, as you treat them like relics rather than friends.  And another thing, rubber chickens do not label themselves with Mr. and Mrs.  We are totally androgynous and find that human titles are pointless formalities to make people feel more important.  I’m sorry to be rude, but it sounds like you have no faith in rubber chickens as companions and therefore I have no need to cater to your ego.  As for my loyal fans and those who believe in rubber chickens everywhere, thank you and we appreciate everything you do.

 

-C. Chokem