Chicken Scratch
Letters to the Mascot
Chickem Chokem has been the DCI mascot since the
beginning back in 1997. This clever
rubber chicken has since begun answering email, letters, and chat
questions. Here, you’ll find several letters,
some old, some new, which C. Chokem has answered
personally.
Dear Chickem,
I read your answers to
the last questions, and I feel you are being too harsh with your readers. You seem to have a major chip on your
shoulder. How’d you manage to get into
comedy anyway?
-Joe Mudder
Dear Joe,
No, I am usually a peaceful
chicken. I don’t like to cause trouble,
but it looks like you do. I like
butterflies and flowers and I love comedy, but as humorous as I find them,
stupid people are the “chip on my shoulder” as you put it. And another thing, have a good look at a
rubber chicken and tell me how big of a chip could fit on my “shoulder”. There are a good number of funny people who
got their fame by being mad at everything.
I don’t ask for fame, but I offer up my experiences to anyone who knows
what it’s like. Why? Because we know that stupid people are funny.
-C. Chokem
Dear C,
Hey, how’s it
going? You’re awesome the way you just
let people have it. I wish I could just
tell people off like that. I have a
question about…well…are there baby rubber chickens?
Curiously,
Simon A. Gatcher
Dear Simon,
What an excellent question! I never remember being a baby. I know there are plastic eggs, so perhaps
some rubber chicken has mastered the act, but as for me, I’m still baffled by
it. Rubber chickens are neither male nor
female, so it could basically happen to any one of us at any given time. My advice, if you have a rubber chicken,
remind them that being rubber doesn’t mean they’re safe, so keep rubber
chickens separated. And if you hear
peeping accompanied by the sounds of balloons being twisted, be careful where
you step.
-C. Chokem
Write to Chickem Chokem!
Dear Chickem,
Hi, I’ve been a fan of your local
newsletter for years and I’m glad to see you’re finally going online. Why have you waited so long and is there any
chance you’ll be doing your own television show in the near future?
Sincerely,
Marcie
Guinness
Dear Marcie,
I’m glad to hear someone’s still reading the DCI news
after all this time. I had waited so
long to go online for two reasons: one, I’m a rubber chicken and since you need
a credit card for most domain hosts (and because rubber chickens find it
difficult to acquire such credit cards) I was unable to make it happen on my
own; secondly, it was highly unlikely anyone would want to visit such a
website. Imagine, a comedy website with
rubber chicken practically running the show.
Does that sound like something that would get a lot of publicity? Well, perhaps I underestimate the power of my
charm.
As for going on television, NO! I’m a bit camera shy. And for goodness sake, lady, I’m a rubber
chicken! I can talk, but my beak doesn’t
move, so people would be really bored thinking they were watching a bad puppet
show. Besides, Camilla made it
impossible for chickens and puppets to perform together after her run with
Gonzo. So I’m sorry, Marcie, you’ll just
have to be satisfied knowing that you’re favorite mascot is working hard to
bring happiness online.
-C. Chokem
Dear Mr. Chokem,
I collect
rubber chickens, and I have one for every year I’ve been alive, each from a
different toy company and each with it’s own unique personality, whoever, none
of mine talk to me and I’ve never noticed a rubber chicken having a sense of
humor of its own. Are you a real rubber
chicken and if so what brand and year?
-Jonah Varg
Dear Jonah,
What the heck kind of question is that? Do you find me asking people what their
ethnicity is, or how old they are? No,
because these things aren’t important. Oh,
and maybe your rubber chickens aren’t talking to you because you keep them
categorized by year and brand. Some people
don’t know, rubber chicken brands and stamped on
either their underside or their posterior, so by looking for such information
would be like getting that highly uncomfortable physical examination. And since rubber chicken thought is usually
well above normal conversational level, your rubber chickens may not feel like
they can confide in you these deep thoughts, as you treat them like relics
rather than friends. And another thing,
rubber chickens do not label themselves with Mr. and Mrs. We are totally androgynous and find that
human titles are pointless formalities to make people feel more important. I’m sorry to be rude, but it sounds like you
have no faith in rubber chickens as companions and therefore I have no need to
cater to your ego. As for my loyal fans
and those who believe in rubber chickens everywhere, thank you and we
appreciate everything you do.
-C. Chokem