DUCKBREAD TIMES
Panty Raider Returns
Local authorities report a rise in
the number of complaints of underwear theft over the last few weeks. It seems the Panty Raider is back again. Several copy cat thieves have been arrested
after the 2001 Panty Raider scare, but these imposters are not half as
threatening as the real raider. This
panty raider leaves his signature blue carnation in the drawers of his
victims. Unsuspecting women walk around
in towels searching for clean (or dirty) underwear, but find only the flower.
There have been no eye-witnesses
to the burglaries, but some suspect the raider is linked to a family of
criminals also responsible for the disappearance of single socks, shoes, keys,
and movie boxes.
“We aren’t sure how many victims there are to date. Several panty-less
women may be too embarrassed to come forward and report the crime,” states one officer.
“I came out of the bathroom after my shower and couldn’t
find any underwear. Not even dirty
underwear. The Panty Raider took
everything. So I had to drive to the
store late at night with my jeans riding up to get new underwear. I had no idea pants were so uncomfortable
without underwear. My sister wasn’t so
lucky. She had just spent all her money
paying the bills and had to go to work for a whole week without any panties,” reports an anonymous victim.
Ways to protect yourself
from the Panty Raider include:
If you have any information about
the raider or would like to know more about how to safeguard yourself from the
raider, please email: postmaster@duckbread.com