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DUCKBREAD TIMES

February 21, 2003

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Panty Raider Returns

 

Local authorities report a rise in the number of complaints of underwear theft over the last few weeks.  It seems the Panty Raider is back again.  Several copy cat thieves have been arrested after the 2001 Panty Raider scare, but these imposters are not half as threatening as the real raider.  This panty raider leaves his signature blue carnation in the drawers of his victims.  Unsuspecting women walk around in towels searching for clean (or dirty) underwear, but find only the flower.

There have been no eye-witnesses to the burglaries, but some suspect the raider is linked to a family of criminals also responsible for the disappearance of single socks, shoes, keys, and movie boxes.

“We aren’t sure how many victims there are to date.  Several panty-less women may be too embarrassed to come forward and report the crime,” states one officer.

“I came out of the bathroom after my shower and couldn’t find any underwear.  Not even dirty underwear.  The Panty Raider took everything.  So I had to drive to the store late at night with my jeans riding up to get new underwear.  I had no idea pants were so uncomfortable without underwear.  My sister wasn’t so lucky.  She had just spent all her money paying the bills and had to go to work for a whole week without any panties,” reports an anonymous victim.

Ways to protect yourself from the Panty Raider include:

  1. Keeping your underwear in a combination safe.
  2. Wearing all your panties at the same time and rotate them daily.
  3. Shower with your panties on.
  4. Sew your panties into every pair of jeans.
  5. Start wearing men’s underwear.

 

If you have any information about the raider or would like to know more about how to safeguard yourself from the raider, please email: postmaster@duckbread.com