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Top Ten Insults and Comebacks

By: Orie House

Chee Chee Chee

This insult got its place on the Top Ten mainly because I wanted to get a Monkey Kombat insult and they’re hard because they don’t make any sense. This one got the place, however, because Guybrush sounds so funny when he says it. I just put it last on the list because it really is hard to place so I’ll just leave it at that.

My ninety-eight year old grandmother has bigger arms than you!/Yeah, but we both have better bladder control than you.

This one’s just hilarious. I think in the arm-wrestling insult world this one fits in the best. I’ve been speculating, however, on what it exactly means. Does this mean he gets scared and pees his pants at the mere mention of danger? Or does it mean he’s got the bladder of a ninety-eight year old woman? Now I have completely confused myself and no longer know what I’m talking about. This one totally confuses me for some reason. That must be why it ended up #9… (E-mail me if you can help me.)

Heaven preserve me! You look like something that’s died!/The only way you’ll be preserved is in formaldehyde.

I like this one because it brings up memories of my science class where we dissected frogs and grasshoppers among other things. I think I have the exact smell of formaldehyde memorized, it wasn’t all that pleasant. Besides that it is a funny one and kind of stand out from the rest, sort of like the hemorrhoids one.

You’re as repulsive as a monkey in a negligee!/I look THAT much like your fiancée?

I like this one for two reasons. One, it again refers to Elaine and I wonder what she would say about all this insulting she is getting behind her back! And second, because I think it is some sort of reference to the monkeys in Monkey Island 1 that are in the wedding dress instead of Elaine and are holding the root beer bottle. Some people don’t get this joke and if it’s not already on the in-jokes page it should be put in. I haven’t checked lately.

You’re the ugliest creature I’ve ever seen in my life!/I’m shocked that you’ve never gazed at your wife.

This one gets #6 because I think it’s a good follow-up to the insult in CMI about the fiancée, which should be showing up shortly in this list. I think this one is especially scathing to Guybrush because he can probably take his own insults, but if someone were to insult Elaine…

Hey, look over there!/Yeah, Yeah I know, it’s a three-headed monkey.

Finally the classic joke returns in insult form. I put this insult in because it represents the repetitive nature of the joke. What I mean to say is its message is that everyone should know that one by now. This insult may have caused a little confusion with people new to the series in Escape from Monkey Island, but they’d better catch on to this one quick because if they keep with the series it’s going to pop up again. Anyway, the point is it’s a very good joke and if you think about it, it’s not really a good insult. But it gets #5 for being a classic joke.

You make me want to puke./You make me think somebody already did.

I included both the insult and the comeback because only together do they shine. I like this particular insult because it can be strategically used in real life. It is also useful when you want to impress your friends with your wide range of witty comebacks. I’ve used it a couple of times and it works very well. In my town there are very few Monkey Island fans. And I don’t know about yours, but that fact makes many of the Monkey Island insult accessible to be used, and this one is the one that has been given the most opportunity for me.

Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?

I think this is a very funny one, in fact I know a lot of people who do. That is mainly why it is on the list, of course. But it was placed high because to me it just seems very witty. The writer should be given a dog biscuit.

How appropriate. You fight like a cow.

This one, of course, is a classic. That is why it is here. Even though there have been many different insults throughout the games this one has made an appearance in every single one. (Except maybe MI2-e-mail me if you know) It is #2 because it is just the best normal insult used the games. For some reason, this insult just speaks, “Monkey Island!”

The Ultimate Insult

This talisman that sucks out the very souls of pirates is of course going to be the number one insult. After all it’s the ULTIMATE insult. Another thing that is interesting about this talisman is that it is the only insult that is used in the games that has no words. Another note: Didn’t the Voodoo Lady say that the Ultimate Insult was in the primal language? Why, then, are there no words spoken? E-mail me with answers you come up with. If there are any.

(This article was originally posted on A great site for Monkey Island, you should go there.)