ORIONS LIST OF FUN STUFF TO DO IN WAL-MART
1) Put on a cashiers Jacket and try to check people out.
2) Complain that you can not get the register drawer to open and they need to take the locks off.
3) Go to sporting goods and start handling fire arms. Ask where the Anti-depressants are at in the store.
4) Play football
5) Test out the fishing rods, see what you can catch 2 aisles over.
6) Bring in a playstation, hook it up to a tv, ask to test out their games.
7) Eat food off of the shelves.
8) Pretend you work at Wal-Mart, Take people to odd parts of the store (if they ask for a TV, take them to the Jewelry area, Etc...) then say “That’s weird, it was here yesterday. I’ll be right back. Wait here”. Go help another customer
9) When you see yourself in the video camera monitor, panic and become disoriented.
10) Make the people who give you shopping carts push you around the store.
11) Bring in various items from home (I.E. Boxes, old shoes, your cat) and demand a refund.
12) Bring in a beach chair and watch a tv in the Electronics section… while its off.
13) Practice golf.
14) Make a bed in the fabrics area, if anyone wakes you up, tell them “I’ve got no where else to go” and start crying hysterically.
15) Two words: Chicken Suit
16) Draw mustaches on all of the little smiley yellow heads.
17) Ask if you can meet the real “ Smiley yellow head” that you saw on the TV floatin’ round.
18) Pretend you work at Wal-Mart, direct people to random parts of the store before they ask you for help
19) Put on fatigues and hide in the plant section.
20) Place boxes of “Cannabis Caplets” in the medical section.
21) Strategically place boxes of condoms throughout the store.
22) Try to haggle.
23) Go to the animal care section,try to sell people your new and improved dog food “Made from Real dogs, unlike the competitors who use sheep or corn” .
24) Ask if “Bob” works there… every time you go to Wal-Mart.
25) Set all of the alarm clocks to go off in 5 minute intervals, starting about a half hour after you leave.
26) Turn all of the stereos to different stations. Dance
27) Walk in to the store with no pants ( just make sure you wear a shirt and some shoes though.)
28) Tell the cashier that they owe you one for buying all this stuff from them.
29) Bring your laundry inside, start storing it in those large plastic storage tubs.
30) Pitch a tent in sporting goods.
31) Leave a declaration of war in the Managers office. Include a list of grievances.
32) Keep glancing up at the security cameras, eyeing them suspiciously, while standing next to very valuable stuff that is pocket size.
33) Bring an issue of Playboy in, leave it behind one of the video game magazines.
34) A Ghetto Blaster, a creative mind, a list of the evils of Wal-Mart, a parking lot. Need I say more?
35) Dress up in a Santa suit and ask for donations.
36) Do the above in July.
37) Go up to people at random and ask them where to find stuff. If they say “I don’t work here,” start crying and ask, “do you know what its like to be *sniff * lied too?”
38) Put your child on a leash, lock it to the bike rack outside.
39) On the billboard, leave random “Help wanted”, “For Sale” ads. Be creative.
40) Go to the pharmacy, start scratching your head, ask customers walking around the area if they know where the lice medicine is at? Continuously stand closer and closer to them.
41) While in the Check out line, say “I’m sorry, how do you size condoms?” Ask if you can try one on and have the cashier tell you if it looks like it fits right.
42) Follow someone around the store.
43) Pound on the bathroom door saying “Hurry up in there! Hurry ! I gotta go, gotta go, gotta go!”… While the bathroom is empty.
44) Do the same when someone is in there. When they come out, sigh and say “too late”.
45) Charge into the store yelling “The Russians are coming the Russians are coming!!!”.
46) Ask old men where the tampons are.
47) Stand in line looking through your stuff. Eat some of the food quickly. If they say “You’re going to have to pay for that”. Look puzzled and say “Pay for what?”
48) Replace vitamins with Ritalin
49) Ask to test out “the old granny walker things”. Run around the store with it.
50) Walk, and talk backwards.
51) Purchase an outrages number of # 2 pencils. Whisper to the cashier “ Gotta be prepared when the FBI comes for ya.” Leave it at that, even if they ask what you mean.
52) At Halloween, stand in front of Wal-Mart and demand that they give you some candy or you won’t let them in.
53) Mimic a cashier.
54) Try on new shoes… on your hands. Attempt to walk in them.
55) Start embroidering a large swastika on a bed sheet in the fabric section.
56) Staple finished embroidery to wall with about 3400 staples.
57) Wear a full suit of armour into the store. Ask where the bolt cutters are at.
58) Tape a thumb tack to the button on the drinking fountain.
59) Walkie talkies are a lot of fun to experiment with…
60) Buy a machete, go to the plant area, start hacking plants. If they complain just say “Piss off, I’m looking for the lost Idol”. Start humming the theme song to Indiana Jones.
61) Try on clothes. Lots of clothes. Without taking any of them off. Start to complain that it’s hot in here while you pull on the 4th pair of sweat pants.
62) Skip
63) Challenge the cashier to a staring contest. The loser has to pay the bill. Double or nothing.
64) Talk in a high voice.
65) Go to the managers office, get on the P.A. Begin: “Captains log, Star date 235.34 , We appear to be drifting…” Be creative. Sound as much like William Schatner as possible.
66) Say to people “You are a yuppie and I will crush your head”, “ah, a flat head”, I’m crushing your head. I’m crushing your head. I’m crushing your head”. While holding your fingers close to your eye and “Pinching” their head.
67) Change your accent every 10 seconds.
68) Sit in a shopping cart. Wait for anyone to push you.
69) Push a shopping cart off that doesn’t belong to you.
70) Tell people that you have “Become one with the shopping cart” while in the shopping cart practicing inverted Tai-Chi and Yoga positions.
71) Turn on a stereo to a talk radio program. Attempt to head bang.
72) Inject the twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and ketchup.
73) Or, Inject twinkies with mayonnaise.
74) Play the board game “Battleship”… with your opponent on the other side of the store. (“D4.”… “MISS. F6”…)
75) Purchase a lot of expensive clothing. Wear it to the gym, sweat in it, and return it the next day.
76) Stand in one place in the store, gazing off into space. Think, out loud, about personal problems. Then look around after about 5 minutes and act surprised. Ask yourself “What is everyone staring at? Oh, wait, they can’t hear me? Can they? Shit, I’ve been talking out loud again” Run off.
77) Hold Dungeons and Dragons sessions in the store.
78) Run in, screaming, start stuffing things into your pocket. Continue doing so for about 30 seconds. Then look around and say “Hey, what happened to the other looters I heard about on the news?”
79) Attempt to steal Wal-Mart… All of it ( the whole building).
80) Hand out Sales brochures as if they were religious tracts.
81) Follow someone around, grinning at them. Then walk up to them and say “I’ve got new socks on”.
82) Go up to people and complain about prices. When they say they don’t work there, demand they get a job so you can officially bitch at them.
83) Begin conversations with strangers with “When I was your age…” be creative. Works best if they’re older than you.
84) Wrap a sheet around your back like a cape. Be Wal Mart Man!!!!
85) Try to steal a set of ski’s.
86) See if you can pedal drugs from old people.
87) When Jehovah’s Witnesses show up at your house, invite them to come with you to wal-mart.
88) Sing.
89) Recite poetry.
90) Recite song lyrics…
91) Ask the manager if he wants to buy your dog for a quarter.
92) Paint occult symbols on the doors with ketchup. Offer to lick the glass clean for $5 or a box of ho-hos.
93) Round up a lot of little kids, lead them around the store while you shop. Make sure they’re really rowdy. If someone complains, just tell them you’re mormon. If they ask what this means… make something up… everyone else does. :P
94) Park in the handicapped places with a rifle rack on your truck and a bumper sticker that says “guns don’t kill people, I do”
95) Ask the pharmacist which cold medication will give you a really wicked buzz.
96) Start discussing freudian psychology and quantum mechanics with one of the cashiers.
97) Take a magazine off the shelf (field and stream, tuff stuff), and complain loudly that you can’t find all the porn they promised to have in the issue that month.
98) Ask for donations to help homeless gay people. Tell perspective donators “You feel sorry because they have no closet to come out of.”
99) Make engine noises as you stroll through the auto parts center.
100) Try to commit suicide in the store with a disposable razor. Let the cashier see you do this. Ask if they have any straight edge razors.
101) Practice catching cookies in your mouth.
102) Practice catching cookies in your mouth… as your friend throws them to you….
103) From across the store…
104) Start a petition to get the name changed from Wal-Mart to the “Redneck Supercenter”
105) Put your child on a shelf and see if you can coax passing customers to buy it.
106) Ask strangers “Didja ever wonder why…..” be creative (why is there an interstate in Hawaii? Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains? What happens if you go light speed and turn on your headlights….)
107) Start an aerobics class.
108) Attempt to play on the child swings out front. If one breaks, sue Wal Mart.
109) Measure the distance from the front of the store to the back. When asked what you’re doing say “well, my last model rocket blew up halfway through K-Mart because I didn’t have the right amount of fuel for the distance. I wanted to be sure this time.”
110) 1 word that’s always fun to scream “RAT!!!!!”
111) Roll a large marble along the floor, cup one of your eye sockets, and run after it screaming “Shit, my glass eye came out!”
112) Practice archery.
113) Tell people your name is John Lennon. If they ask if you were named after the beatle, say “There’s a bug nammed John?”
114) Get some “Police line do not cross” tape… use your imagination
115) Park in the employee of the month parking spot. If they tell you to move you’re vehicle, just explain that at your company, you’re the employee of the month too.
116) Speak like Alex from A Clockwork Orange “Welly welly welly welly well… What have we here my foonting little droogies? What thou did inst thy mind have when you thought in your gulliver to put on lovely inkish price this gorgous and gorgosity of an item?” Translation- “I wonder when they put this on sale”
117) Carry around a baseball bat and tell the cashier “you know, ever since I got fired from the post office… I’ve been feeling a little… disgruntled…”
118) Chain yourself to the vitamin rack. Demand $1,000,000 or you’ll overdose on C, A, E, and garlic tablets.
119) Get on the P.A. system… “Yo yo yo whatz up my homie g dawgs? This be yo stupid fly, hot guy, DJ dat don’t lie, Honkey Cappa. I be spinnin da disks as you wish….” See how long it takes for someone to arrest/shoot you.
120) Ribula ribula ribula TIMMY!!!… Get a wheel chair… get the picture?
121) Whisper “The truth is out there” to complete strangers, then look around like you heard a weird voice. Start whistling the theme to X-files as you leave the aisle.
122) Post a copy of this list on the bulletin board.
Note: This list was conceived, written, and printed by Orion Ferreira. The author of it will not claim any responsibility for the actions of those who read it.
Back to ye-olde Index page