In life there are different acts and sections much like the way books or plays are written. Today, marks the newest chapter of my life and it will be told as such. The decisions to be made will weigh my life not for just the next year but on into the next four to forever. The sun has set into a dark moonless night.
The future starts here, Most recent time/day and down. The past will arrive, but in links to come. The past is more fucked up than the present as I've found myself more and more.
I use a lot of quotes and don't always give credit. If I quote you or you recognize one -Feel Special-
I HAVE RESCENTLY POSTED A BOOK OF OLD ENTRIES DATING BACK TO MARCH OF 2001. IT'S ON THE MAIN PAGE, DO NOT READ IT IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.
May 28th, 2007
3:57pm
Talented, or so you might want to assume.
Sometimes I sit down and have the urge to doodle. These doodles are not beautiful nor could my drawing talents allow them to be if I wanted them to be so. Normally I’ll try some rudimentary shapes like a circle or a triangle, eventually moving on to some kind of an alien. None of these little things are particularly difficult, even an alien is pretty much impossible to screw up. An alien has any number of eyes anywhere that you’d like them, you kinda make it your own blob of sense. I’m only describing this whole doodling thing because that is how I feel sometimes before sitting down to write here. An unorganized, often bored, mass of emotions that have very little organization and planning.
This past weekend we played a good seven games of softball in an all night tournament that included both the Coed and the all Men’s “Pizza Hut” teams. My body was hurting from the previous Thursday game, this Friday night 6:00pm – 8:00am streak of playing pushed my body into the kind of pain that can only be described in wincing and gimp-legged limps. Why did I knowingly push myself to this level of pain for a payoff that included a trophy and a T-Shirt? Does anyone remember when we were invulnerable? God looked into your eyes and burned a hole of understanding deep in the back of your ill-gotten brain.
As children we would wear baggy clothes and run through the fields with large dogs nipping at our heels. Long since that time have we grown out of those clothes and thrown them to the wayside. The dogs we once loved are now memories of a time we are beginning to lose perspective on. Coming to terms with mortality is, given enough time, as unavoidable as death itself. My interest does not lie in why we start to feel mortal. What concerns me is why some of us have jumped from the “feeling mortal” stage to “expecting death” so quickly. I’m not a negative person, I do not want to die.
So when did this “jump to conclusions mat” veer dramatically and find my feet on the “immanent death” square… I know I’m not a lone gun in these thoughts, Angie, Rachel and basically 1 out of every 3 people polled by Angela and I shared a similar feeling. Surprisingly I remain unique among my friends with this feelings, which was especially shocking to hear such an optimistic view of the future from Brian Death. There is a small chance that 1 out of every 3 people, to include Angela and myself, have superpowers. God blessed us with the uncanny ability to feel deaths bane at all times. What a shitty superpower… (I don’t think I’ll be buying jock tight shorts and a cape anytime soon).
Whether this impending doom is a superpower, psychological disorder, or natural occurrence, think what the implications for this kind of thought pattern could be. Downside: short term planning, lowered life expectations, living in the moment Upside:appreciating the now, more readily accepting of passing loved ones, living in the moment. Personally I think this could help explain my vagueness about future plans. Is spending another year of my life in the desert worth $80,000 if I only have a few more years left? How do I plan an education around a specific type of career when I can’t envision myself making it that far? I’m not even going to mention the relationship implications this could have in my life. Not that this has necessarily played a heavy roll with my past girlfriends… but then again… maybe 1 out of every 3 of us has a new excuse.
May 25th, 2007
3:57pm
The Life Giver
MY shoulder fucking hurts and your mother told me not to drink diet wild cherry Pepsi because it will slow down my sex drive. It really pisses me off when I wake up next to an old lady that gave birth to one of my best friends. What am I supposed to say? " While I appreciate the fruit of your loins... you need to shut the fuck up ". She was going on about how the weight of the world swept through the canyon of his life, picking up Dorthy and the fucking muppet, only to die in my arms late last night. I can't even begin to lick the top of a deodorant stick when the underarm smells like Kermit's post coital tongue.
My shoulder hurts from a huge softball win last night. Tonight is a night of many games in a memorial day weekend tournament. This is my life... Softball and an internet class... I'm oddly ok with not waking up before noon anymore... oh yeah, here's to your mother, fuck her.
May 19th, 2007
10:43pm
Two Worlds
This Saturday has been uneventful yet unusual. It would seem that the choices I mentioned previously are poking their heads out of the brush and preparing for an all out war of destiny. Maybe destiny, if it exists, isn’t at all what we believe it to be. I have to think that there could be poly-destionic forces at work in our lives. Maybe the Greeks and savages were on to something here.
Earlier today I received two phone calls from old time players in my life. My life can be broken down into a neat timeline, each person fitting into their own little spot of significance. Some of these people are still around today, while others have taken the noble route of the Homo-erectus and have been erased; Erased by me or individually / expunged themselves. Every once in a while one of these voids from the past will reappear in a small timeline blip. I had not spoken to Tess for over a year, she called me earlier this afternoon. I haven’t heard word one from a certain Brandon Rahn for nearly two years, he also made a telephone blip earlier this evening.
The long and the short story of “Tess” is that she is one of my Idaho friends. Sister to one of my dearest Idaho hippie chicks from back in my “Mountain Home” Air Force days. One of the funny things about Tess and I is that we’ve never actually met. We were acquainted through MSN messenger many years ago and just kept in touch through that media. Why she would call me right now to “make sure I’m coming to Idaho” is an interesting question. A man accused of over thinking life might think it is a bid: For Him From Idaho.
I'm going to knowingly rewrite this story, if for no other reason than perspective changes. hell I might even reference my old Entry from 2005
Brandon Rahn is a character… and his story… ridiculous. There were not too many people I considered to be on the level while I was working as a firefighter in Kuwait. After sometime I was blessed with the opportunity of hanging out with this Rahn guy, play xbox, borrow movies, the usual things people do when stuck in the middle of a desert. Rahn looks like a gamer, talks like a nerd, and embodies the complete anti-stereotypical firefighter. My gut told me this much from the beginning, seeing his collection of every “Buffy” and “Angel” season confirmed it. There was a time that I would have counted Rahn among the elite, he could have stood shoulder to shoulder with the horsemen. We shared a common bond in that neither of us ever wanted to be firefighter, the Air Force more or less pushed us into this fate. That glossy visage was found to be naught once upon a time in Bitburg Germany…..
To live and work in Kuwait is to suffer from lack of life, alcohol, and many of American spoils. One blessed aspect of this life style is the money I worked so little for and the thirty days of vacation that could be used to celebrate everything Kuwait would not allow me to have. On one such vacation of mine, I thought it only appropriate to invite my friends and pay the way for those who would not otherwise be able to attend(Brian, Loan Bob what money he needed). Why not bring Rahn if he is so seemingly on the level? This two week 2005 no reservation backpacking style trip was one for the history books. The gang would meet up in England and travel south through Germany in a horseshoe traveling pattern that dipped with an absolute minimum of Venice, shooting back up the western side of Switzerland and France. For Rahn however, the Anticlimax of the trip would happen while we visited my old Air Force friend “Craig” in Germany.
Mr. Brandon Rahn did not feel like he was meshing well with the group. It is true that Aaron, Bob, Brian and myself have all known each other for over a decade. Although I like to think that we are a friendlier kind of “Elitist”, Bob and I not really being “Elitist” at all. On the day that the group had planned(and I use the word very loosely) to leave Craig’s estate… well Rahn had mentally made his own plans. “Wondering around Europe and eating Burger King is not my idea of a European vacation.” He would later tell me post-trip. If there is something better than wondering around Europe and eating Burger King with good friends by my side… I can’t imagine what it would be. He hated the trip so much that he uncompromisingly decided to take a train back to Amsterdam and catch a plane back to his Kuwaiti sanctuary. Rahn wanted out of our legendary vacation so badly that he would pick up a spur of the moment plane ticket, I can only imagine how much that might have cost. This hasty act rocked my opinion of Rahn like a suicide bomb exploding next to a family having tea in Israel.
Two years and two months can shed a lot of changed light on a situation. I still don’t agree with his reasons for leaving the trip, yet I admire his ability to steadfastly resign at such personal and financial loss. Rahn will never be one of my closest friends, he will never achieve Horsemen status, he is on a level all his own and I have to respect that. Rahn did give us a uniquely fun story to tell for many years to come. He will forever live on in our memories, mostly as the butt of cruel and well timed jokes.
Tess and Rahn called me now, in the face of such decisions that they could have no idea about. I may have missed the bell but the gloves are off and the war has begun. My curiosity is peaked. What other names will blip back into my life and step into the ring? If this is all just coincidence… at least I’m having fun with it.
May 18th, 2007
11:59pm
LET’S HAVE ANOTHER GO AT THIS
This Friday afternoon has taken me back to my roots at the parent’s quaint $300,000 house on Pioneer Drive. I brought my laptop here in an attempt to break my “writer’s block” as of late, which “writer’s block” isn’t necessarily the right term here. Many things have been on my mind, topics and feelings that I could have written about with ease. Functionally I’ve been like a singularly cooled engine, venting through only one outlet, moving from the company of many to the companionship of hardly any. My strive for life has been compromised by options that have brought me full circle to where I was in the summer of 2004, with the “Do I go to Kuwait or stay and go to school?” question largely in my mind. I once found solace and answers while trimming the hedges back here on Pioneer drive… My hope is that this house on Pioneer Drive can once again help me find a reasonable answer(s) to what will mean the rest of my life.
After writing that my parents came home early… so much for getting back to your roots.
For the past three months I have checked my hotmail account in hopes of seeing some sign of a firefighting job offer, an Antarctica job offer. Somehow I was still surprised when the email came and stated that they actually wanted me. Receiving this letter always played out much smoother when it was in my head, I thought I wanted it so much. Getting paid to work six months on a continent that I wouldn’t otherwise get to visit. Is this job ideal or idealistic?
Priorities, everyone has got them, what are mine? Education used to be in first place without question, now I can only guess that it still holds the top spot. School is what I want, something I will probably always need… is it so wrong that I can hear the call of another contract job in my future? Six months in Antarctica would be me out school for an entire year, the fact that I have even considered that as an option has to make me question myself. The Arctic Island wouldn’t likely afford me the option of online classes; Leave date in October, unknown free time and internet access. And! If I’m considering losing a year of school for six months of lesser pay, how can I not consider twelve handsomely paid months away at the same loss of school? There has to be an answer.
These past few weeks have be spent largely on my own, preferably so. Some of the council I have received over the internet and phone have been priceless in piece of mind. A question that Bob posed to me goes a little like this “Is Antarctica a good place to be or a better place to have been?” I’m not sure if that’s how he really said it, I’m actually fairly certain he didn’t even phrase it as a question… it just kinda sounded better in my head. The best reasonable answer is in the ladder “a better place to have been” which ultimately answer the question of ideal vs. idealistic as well.
The major questions from before have been answered, logically I have a better idea what the score is here. One last thing to consider, what does Marty want? Everyone says that I should ultimately do what I want… that’s a laugh isn’t it? I want to be the head male-concubine of queen’s world conquering army, how about that, that’s what Marty wants, why can’t he have that? Because some of the things you want just aren’t doable, some desires can’t go together. Maybe I want to see sunrise and sunset at the same time; Too bad. I want to keep my friends and obtain my goals; Not possible. It’s true that the real friends will be around no matter what, but it’s also a true state of sadness to have to leave them all again, for good.
So we have come to the meat of the dilemma I think. Leaving friends behind is something that I’ve done before, what Bob does now and forever. I don’t have the “answer(s)” yet, but I’m getting close to something, I can feel it.
May 5th, 2007
12:00am
A Letter To Her Child.
There was a time that I knew you well before you were born,
There was a time that I knew you when the water flowed like corn.
There was a time that I knew you and I didn’t have clue,
There was a time that I knew you but there was nothing I could do.
In the time that you knew me everything had grown cold and stale,
In the time that you knew me everything had failed.
By the time that you read this the world will be a darker place,
By the time that you read this you will have already forgotten my face.
May 2nd, 2007
11:51pm
The Devil You Don’t Know
A very strange yet fitting thing happened the day after I wrote about arrogance before the fall. My Geology class was on an optional “field trip” to an obscure old man’s house not far from Cascades park. Giant splashing rain drops were falling everywhere on this murky day that was growing even darker still as night approached. My head was angled downward away from the pelting sky tears when I saw him. Probably the largest land snail, a helix snail, was sitting in a water puddle on the side of the drive way. I know why the snail was there, they love moisture, I couldn’t stop myself from picking him up and taking him home. This guy was nothing like Gastro, my freshwater snail. Gastro is a touch more docile, hiding in his shell from things as small as my fart vibrations. Helix would not hide in his shell or shy away from touching me. That is when it happened; He, She, it’s monoecious ass bit me. Getting bitten by a snail is humbling if nothing else.
The field trip as a whole was actually more humbling than educational. This elderly Geologist has a larger variety of rocks in his two gardens and garage than I’ve seen in my in all of my worldly travels. Accumulating rocks and fossils alone is not enough to impress me thoroughly, it’s everything else that goes along with how he came to have them. To be so passionate about something, amassing metamorphic jewels and knowledge of them, this sort of endeavor takes soul. It takes time, passion, money, and devotion. Four admirable and thoroughly impressive qualities. One day he decided that he really loved Geology, the rest of his life can be measured in thousands of dollars worth of shale, limestone, rose quartz and much more.
I want to find my passion(s)… I want to find things and ones to be passionate about, I need this. I have traveled forth and back across the Atlantic ocean many times over, but what am I looking for? My loves do no lie in rocks and minerals, oh no, unfortunately that only eliminates one of the many broad categories laid down around us.
April 30th, 2007
4:49pm
The Pride Before the Fall.
Many things jump in and out of my mind as I wait for sleep on the nights where none will be found. Last night was especially difficult for me. So difficult that I found myself with a notebook on my lap and letters shooting out of my stubby fingertips. The urge to write coupled with a fighting sleep and I found myself writing about politics. Something inside my brain made it clear that these thoughts were more than important, they could not wait until morning! Oh how I hate politics… why I would write anything about politics is really beyond me, which makes no sense, things that are of me and by me should most certainly be anything but beyond me. In less than a hour a full two pages had climaxed out like a 16 year old on a dirty sock. Whether or not I’ll post this randomness remains to be seen, some dirty laundry deserves to be thrown in the trash.
These past few weeks have found me with a growing confidence concerning all things relative. All things relative to what I’m proud of in my life: Bleeding heart, the new website, friends, academic accomplishments, opinions of myself and whatever “level” I might be on. Excessive confidence flirts dangerously pride, something to be careful of no doubt. I believe the Old Testament says
Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.
Pride in yourself can lead a faltering arrogance, something I would very much like to avoid. While there remains an obscure difference between us, there are also many things left in common. I don’t believe myself to be better than most people, just a little different. That is I hope to be just a tad different, as to be able to entertain myself with these small things. How I could ever go so far as to say there is a huge difference between myself and others, I really don’t know myself well enough to make that assumption. There is a very real possibility that someone else in the world has a journal that they call the “bleeding heart”. They probably even write better than I do, the relevance is little. Doing things based on what others may or may not have already done are doing will only leave a bitter taste in your mouth.
There is one real goal in life… to be a better person than Tim Stevens. That goal is nearly unavoidable. All I have to do is not be a complete douche-bag! heh
Geology class is in a few minutes and I should take my leave here.. some final thoughts.
As righteousness tendeth to life: so he that pursueth evil pursueth it to his own death.
The way of a fool is right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth unto counsel is wise.
^^^My personal favorite^^^ Though I may seek the counsel of few, those who are seeken have the value of many “men”.
April 29th, 2007
1:10pm
We Can Be Sexual Too
These days are getting hard to write in again, hence the no entry since the backdated wedding story. Happier days are always harder to find time and motivation to write in. I could go on and explain why this is… but I’m not going to, there is a softball game in a few hours, homework, masturbation, family guy, masturbation, and sleep all in my future. How will I fit it all in? What if I hurt my hand playing softball? Too many worries orbit this world in near collision satellite circles. Today I will let them go and focus on the tasks at hand.
Random thought for the day: I wonder how many people in the world are taking a shit at any given moment. Taking a crap is necessary and important… but really, I’d hate to be stuck on the pooper when the world comes to an end. Global extinction while having a brown baby boy is probably one of my greatest fears in life, second only to heart disease or maybe a plane crash over Germany.
Teresa and I have purchased our own domain name! Pay attention to changes, soon my website will be banner free, upgraded, updated and more. Hopefully this new toy of ours will inspire us to finish our first book release as well. Time will tell, these days are 130 pounds lighter and much less closer to hell.
April 22nd, 2007
11:30am
The Weekend After Last
As this weekend is now a week after last weekend I begin to doubt whether I’ll ever get the wedding weekend synopsis done. I sit here and stare at the word processor, wondering which words to say and what words go a little too far. I hate that feeling, we must not slip, there can be no fear, fear is the mind killer . I am stuck in confusion of what matters and what does not. Even blog writing is over played and worthless to read… yet here I am, stuck in the middle with you.
The best aspect of the free world is that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. The worst problem in the free world is that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Does education merit worth in opinion? After attending college and seeing that even in an educational forum, the imbeciles far out number the intellectuals, we know that not to be true. Assuming of course that being an imbecile negates net worth in thought. So having an education does not excuse idiocies and not having a continuing education usually preludes idiocies. Where am I now intelligence wise as compared to before?
Let us talk about western philosophy for a brief moment, no, let us talk about statistics and probability as concerning western philosophy. Profound thinkers such as Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, Sartre, Homer, ect. ect. are known all over the world for their classic pieces of literature, or literature that was written/translated on their behalf anyway. Abstract ideas put together in an attempt to make us think differently about the surrounding world. These men will never be forgotten, why? Surely they are no better than George Clooney or Emilio Estevez. 2.2% of a 6.6 Billion world population are geniuses(1,452,000,000 Geniuses) as related to IQ scores, what even smaller percent might be on the level? Lets guess that .01% of those 1.452 Billion are on my level, optimistically rounded up. That brings us to 145,200 people on the level world wide. It’s also worth mentioning that not all of my friends are on the level, and everyone who is on the level isn’t necessarily in the standard top 2.2 intelligence percentile. We’ll call it the top .022% Marty IQ percentile. Those numbers mean nothing more but to say that we are few and ever changing.
Where are the modern day philosophers? Are our modern day deep thinkers simply the ones who write about racial intolerance and sexism in the work places? Maybe it’s just the people who come up with the best quotable lines. One thing we can say for most of the well known thinkers in the past 2,500 years is status. They usually had some kind of power notch in the world, something to amplify their intelligent words beyond the echo of their own voice. Socrates loves to piss rich people off, Plato was his student and would later found the "Academy", Aristotle… Well it never hurts to have "Alexander the Great" in your back pocket now does it? Did these men of genius use their mind power to manipulate their way to higher graces or was their intelligence simply a bi-product of a convenient set of circumstances?
Those with the world at their fingertips do not always make the best of it... Always curious I would be to see how we line up. Many speak yet fail to act, others act without thinking. To think is not to be and to be is not eternal. I should find the words today in order to accept the world in a fashion such as intelligent understanding. Tomorrow my mind will shallow, become hollow and vacant like all of the other racing rats.
There are three dictionary definitions for Philosopher that I will accept
Philosopher:
a person who offers views or theories on profound questions in ethics, metaphysics, logic, and other related fields.
a person who regulates his or her life, actions, judgments, utterances, etc., by the light of philosophy or reason.
a person who is rationally or sensibly calm, esp. under trying circumstances.
Do you have two of these three?
April 17th, 2007
6:11pm
Tired But Updated
I just wanted to make a quick note that I am still alive and DID make it back from the trip. I’m even in the middle, well beginning, of writing a long ass account of the weekend. The only problem is that I’m tired yet can’t sleep, this lack of sleep is exhausting. I’ll be backdating my birthday entry and the wedding weekend story… for tonight… Half a bottle of Nyquil and a face full of pillow, I love to hate the icky puke green flavor.
April 16th, 2007
11:30am
Birthday And Wedding Weekend In Review.
Everyone who reads this should sign the guestbook on the main page, just so I know.
FYI: I’m writing this paragraph just after completing my long wedding entry. It’s a long story about how I saw things happening this weekend, how I felt, ect. ect. I encourage you to put the tea kettle on and make yourself comfortable. I could have gone into much more detail about everything, remember to thank me for holding my tongue to the length I did. Seven single spaced pages, enjoy or destroy.
Normally I’ll quote a song in here, and I still might actually. Instead of the normal quote I’m just going to say there is a message in the song “Karma Police” by *Radiohead*, Download it and go to the eighth second past the second minute of the song and listen. If you don’t care to, fair enough---- if you care to, fair enough.
THURSDAY
I’m not even sure where to start this Ohio wedding story, perhaps at the beginning then? The days before leaving for Ohio were filled with a emotionally, physically and homeworkally drained Marty. Just a kid trying to get everything in place, all the cogs and wheels set in motion. Who knew that Rick riding with the terrible road trip trio of Josh, Brian and myself was a bad idea? All of the boys loaded up into my tiny red Chevy Aveo just after 2pm, hell yes. Rick had killed a bottle of Canadian Mist just before heading out, oh well, he’ll sober up right? People usually have a harder time sobering up when they are sipping on another bottle of Canadian Mist the whole ride down. I was already stressed… Rick did not help, he actually made it worse, I’m not sure I’ve ever told anyone to “SHUT THE FUCK UP” that much before in one day. Well… Maybe Josh Green, but with Rick I actually meant it.
My mind has kinda jumped to the point where I know how long this entry will really be before it’s conclusion is reached. Keep in mind that I’m trying to write this Horsemen tale in a semi-interesting fashion, bare with me. Feel free to *at any time* stab yourself in the eye with the knife I left next to the sink in the kitchen. Wait, stop….. ok go.
After braving the winding Ohio roads, curbside wild turkeys and annoying Buckeye drivers, we finally made it to Rachel’s old house. The best thing I can say about Thursday night is: CONFUSION. A time comes when good intentions turn simply maniacal. Misunderstood directions are repeated over and over like Bob trying to order a burger with just ketchup in France. “Just Ketchup” ”JUST KETCHUP!” I didn’t understand where highway 774 was the first time, or the second, but hell lets have a go at it for a fourth time just for kicks. Eventually the group agreed to take Rachel’s little brother along for the ride as well; 6 people + Two cars + 1 DD = What the fuck were we thinking.
10:00pm (Est) rolled around and we loaded up into the cars and prepared to head out for some drinking. Just before taking off Andrew mentioned “I need to stop out to my friends house first, it’s kinda of the way”. Sure, why not kid, you do your thing and meet us up at Hooters. WAIT! REWIND! Andrew can’t drive by himself yet, he only has a learner’s permit. Five carefree minutes passed before Bob relayed this little known fact to me. When I called him to calmly ask “What The Fuck Dude?” he replied with one of the funniest statements I have ever heard “Who said something?”. The kid has balls, I respect that, especially when your father is a preacher at the local church. Fortunately for all parties involved, he came right back to where we were and we dropped Josh in the car with him for the duration of his little “Smoke run”. That’s what I assume it was anyway, he didn’t deny it when I asked him directly so we’ll just roll with it.
By the time we made it to Hooters it was less than an hour shy of my birthday. We drank three pitchers beer, ate 50 of the worst wings of my life, and eventually left to meet Teresa, Jess, Biff, Katie at their hotel. Teresa and Jess tried to meet us at the restaurant you see, but they unsurprisingly got lost in highway direction translation. A similar fate would have fallen over us had it not been for Brian the navigator/driver. Brian didn’t drink so he ended up driving us to the hotel, giving us the opportunity to send a super drunk Rick home with Andrew. The rest of the night can be summed up as such; Marty was drunk and air humped Teresa; Everyone else was tired so we drove home.
FRIDAY
Fuck, fuck, bitch, shit, balls, balls, balls. Describing this past weekend should be fun right? I feel like I’m boring any potential readers into a lull-full submission! The truth of the matter is that only through experiencing different cultures can I keep my mind sound and semi-true to reality. Opposites attract because we are drawn to explore the things we do not understand.
Keepers are best found in commonalities
There is a fine line between compromise and complete submission
My Friday the 13th birthday came with a promise of one on one Bob time and wedding rehearsal fun. I woke to an already stirring house of panicking women, this was no surprise. At this point I’m going to thank all of the birthday well wishers, this year I received more love than every before.
Birthday Phone Calls From:
Erika
Ashley Starbird
Momma
Paul
Teresa and Jess (playing Quarter-Century New)
Aaron
Chrissy
Birthday Emails
Elizabeth
Katie
Amber J
Brianna
Jen
England Jenny
Geo Jen
Aimee
Josh Cramton
Michigan Meghan
Jamie
Kevin
Marianna
In Person
Josh Green gets the first Happy Birthday award of the year.
Odd emotional occurrences have a tendency of blossoming on my birthday, this year it was somehow true for a third time. With a lump in my throat and scattered feelings of attraction, I found meaningful conversation with one. Bless Bob’s heart, he was trying to help me have a great birthday. Putting me before most other going ons even on the day before his big wedding… He took every Angela opportunity and twisted it into random scenarios where her and I would have a chance to talk.
Angela. She is a complete Marty girl if there ever was one. Brown hair, beautiful, cynical, modest and an intellect sharp enough to cut a boy’s tongue off. Given everything I have gone through to this point, she was my breath of fresh air, Bob knew this, Rachel knew this. Not someone to make me whole again, a person to help me enjoy how good being shattered can feel. A Fifteen minute conversation with her at the rehearsal dinner was a great birthday present, better than the book or the unsuspected bowling themed cake. Because of Angela I even have a new motto in life: Any girl who can smile at a guy when he brings up her little brother popping pills in front of their grandmother… this girl is something special.
And so the Friday before the wedding carried on like any lazily normal weekday. Bob and I hung out solo for most of the pleasantly sunny day. We mad e a vain attempt to do homework in one of the secluded upstairs chapel rooms… in reality there was much more talking about nothing than there was homework being done(this is to be expected when two old wise friends such as ourselves are allowed any amount of privacy). The evening yawned on with no particularly exciting events in the nighttime. Bob and I would find our heads pillowed early on this night, for tomorrow would bring the Day Of.
Saturday
PANIC!! Slow down, relax.
I woke up on the floor of Rachel’s mom’s basement early that Saturday morning in some serious back pain. Which is funny because I specifically remember falling asleep on a fully inflated air mattress the night before. Bob had given me the option to sleep in an upstairs bedroom, as he preferred the couch, but I declined. I felt the need to play the part of the loyal guard-dog fast asleep at his master’s bedside. Bob wouldn’t likely wake up in the middle of the night needing to talk, but just in case.. I waved the right to upstairs bed sleepage.
It was Bob’s stirring that actually woke at the seemingly normal break of this dawn. A couple bowls of cereal and I was feeling ready for the life time commitment that wasn’t even mine to give. I proceeded to call the family, ensuring everyone would show up on time without leaving any drunken party members behind(Rick). So busy was I with my own worries that I didn’t realize Bob go down with a severe migraine until some time later. After fetching him two Advil, that did nothing, he laid face down in Andrew’s bed for what one might consider a long time. I’m not going to presume that these migraines were caused by wedding nerves, God knows Bob wouldn’t tell me if it was. Bob is my brother, but there are certain sensitive subjects he and I never touch on. Whatever their cause, likely an unfortunate coincidence, migraines were not the best thing to go through on the Day Of. It was in the this moment that I actually earned the roll as “Best Man”.
Everything was in order and everyone on their way, but the hour was aging and the A-team members had yet to leave Rachel’s mom’s house. If dating Jen taught me anything, it’s what dry heaving sounds like. After Bob finally finished his wordless monologue with the toilet we prepared to leave. I ensured everything we needed was well in hand before I set sail for the church in the name of an ill kept captain. My duties were little yet vital, I would carry his ass up the chapel steps if that’s what it took. Never before have I felt a loyalty so tenaciously vicious before… and I may never again… but from the moment he was in need until well beyond his fashionably timed recovery, the guard dog in me had his ears up and muscles tensed.
Four single sharp dressed men walked into the church that afternoon. Three of the men stood at God’s front door and watched the first of them confess his love for a woman to the world. My feet hurt, my knee pain kicked in, but my heart would bleed through and bring with it a silencing calm. I wanted to cry, but couldn’t or wouldn’t… it wasn’t the vows or the preaching, there was something else in the church that day, something elusive. By the time my mind was free enough to chase after these thoughts they had gone. The elusives, like Bob’s smile after the first 50 pictures, had faded into another world, a world beyond mine eyes.
Two hours after ceremony!! The wedding party loaded up in the limo to slam back some champagne. The reception was literally a 30 second walk from the church, seriously. Somehow I managed to drink what everyone else couldn’t finish, getting myself into a little buzz before stepping foot into the school made reception hall area. The reception as a whole was non-alcoholic, so I was likely the only semi-intoxicated person in the building. Rick doesn’t count, he was what some might call “completely-intoxicated”. I even went so far as brave the pouring rain with Biff and Brian back to the Limo for more drinks, well I drank, they talked with the driver.
If you’ve ever been around me when I’ve got a buzz on then you’ve probably met the flirty Marty. Every member of the bridal party looked absolutely amazing, Rachel was aglow with happiness, beautifully radiant in the way an average person pictures the perfect bride to be. Then there was Angela… it took so much out of me just to keep from starring at her. 1.) I didn’t want her to think I’m a psycho stalker. 2.) The wedding party table was on a stage that everyone could see very easily. She was breathtakingly… there are no words to do her justice… and to be brutally honest, when I walked down her down the isle at the end of the actual wedding… there was a part of me that wanted to slowly grasp her face, gently caress her cheeks and suck on her lower lip in front of everyone… Hmmmmm *Unfortunately or luckily* nothing close to that transpired, I did take every opportunity to subtly flirt with her though. She didn’t even shoot me down, it was great. Angela and I slow danced twice; I may have pulled her closer to me than was necessary, looked into her eyes a littler deeper than what might be considered appropriate, I loved every minute of it.
At this point you might be asking “When did this story stray from being about a wedding and start on the path toward being about Angela?” The short answer is “Right now you fucking dolt.”
Fast Forward The wedding is over. Brian and I hastily head back to headquarters on a mission to pack our things and get back to the hotel as soon as possible. Everyone else was staying at the “Best Western” and we wanted to get there in time for some serious hot-tubing. Our feet were not gellin like felons, we did painful tip-toe dances around like little fairy men in a midget ballet. Our bodies were in a sad state of disrepair, so of course it came as no surprise when we found two of Bob/Rachel’s Air Force friends in need of our help when we pulled in the mom’s driveway.
An act of God must have intervened it’s way into these guy’s heads when they decided to pull the car up an elevated ramp portion of the driveway. I can’t imagine why they would pull up there or what might have distracted the driver from paying attention to his wheels, but somehow their rear passenger side tire was completely off the driveway ramp. With the weight of the car resting securely on the rear axle, they were going nowhere. Shear Brian ingenuity with a touch of Marty supervision was enough save them from calling a tow truck. Our good deed set us back in time substantially, no troubles though, life has a way of working itself out.
It didn’t take long for Brian and I to pack all of our things off and leave their house for the final time. We probably should have taken a few extra looks around though, we left a good number of things there that Bob now has the pleasure of sending back our way. I made a last ditch effort to hang out with Angela for a bit longer and invited her back to the hotel for some quality Bull-shitting time, she declined, goodbye hugs were given, and we were well on our way. Not twenty minutes after hitting the road did she call my cell phone with the news that “A groomsman left their bowtie at the reception.” It wasn’t my bowtie, but that would have been a great way to get Angela to come hang out… Because that is exactly what I wanted, and it happened.
Brian and I arrived at the hotel sometime after 11, the closing time for the pool. It would be a while before Angela arrived and Brian managed to convince the hotel staff that it was ok for us to swim just a little bit longer(he is nothing if not persuasive). For exactly one minute and thirty seconds my feet felt great soaking in the hot tub water That was how long it took Kobe, Bob’s nephew, to tell me he had pissed in the water. Ooooook! That’s it for me! I left the inviting water of the lobby side pool and redressed myself, slowly sipping on a Bud Light as I waited for a phone call.
The phone call from the doll-faced Angela came promptly at a time which I can only guess was around midnight. She came up to Jess’s room, where I was staying this night, talking with me and my band of misfits for what added up to be hours. The girl likes Star Wars, Kevin Smith movies, Buffy, and Angel? Fucking A, Fucking A. Saying goodbye was not easy, even at 2am on a morning that would surely be followed by hundreds of driving miles. So I walked her down the stairs to the exit door and gave her a loving kiss… on her cheek that is = /. We hugged and that was that… she drove off into the dark Ohio night never to be seen again… That last statement only works if never can be measured in the span of twenty minutes, otherwise consider the story not over just yet.
I retired to bed that night with a tired mind and a thoughtful disposition. I might have been startled when the phone rang, I might have even expected it, it’s hard to say exactly where my mind had gone to in that closed moment of time. “My car is stuck and I don’t know what to do.” She said in an increasingly saddening voice. “Are you ok? Where are you? We’ll be right there.” I reassuringly replied. Who would have thought that Brian’s new found sober life style would come in handy on a night such as this? He was ready to roll within the same minute I had knocked on his door and briefed him of the situation. We chased Angela’s trail of darkness across the blackened countryside. Both of us anxious to see what other surprises the night might be holding behind her secretive veil. This night was hoped up on caffeine and cigarettesrefusing to end.
Car headlights stood out against a sea of nothing as we approached the accident site. Her car was not “stuck”, it was completely buried in the deepest mud slop ever. There was nothing to be done by us, luckily there was already fire dept and police on scene ready to take care of business. This night was bone chillingly relentlessly fucking cold. The cold in the air was only out done by an icy wind that was traveling through our clothes and abusing our bodies. The three of us hid from Mr. Freeze in my small red pimp mobile for about an hour before the tow truck arrived. Only then did we find out that her car had, as the English might say, “Taken The Piss”.
To curtail a very long story about a memorable weekend; We drove her home and returned back to the hotel for some much needed R & R. I didn’t get much sleep that night nor did I really want any. The love I bare for thee can only be expressed in actions and an unrelenting sense of humility.
April 10th, 2007
3:13pm
Ohio Is Just A Wednesday Away
Sammy, my olive skinned “Buddy’s” clerk friend from Jordan, mentioned something quite odd to me this morning just after Calculus class. “You have a lot of gray hair my friend, how old are you?” “Twenty-Five on Friday.” “That sucks man, you have baby face but gray hair.” “Thanks Sammy, you’re too kind.” The funny part about all of this is that I’ve been talking about my gray hair for a while now and no one will really openly agree with me. Which will happen first: Will I go completely bald or have a full head of gray hair? Likely a combination of the two but we’ll just have to wait, hope, and cross our fingers that I live long enough to see.
There is a little boy inside me that still wants to be special. He wants to use the force, have superpowers, he wants something more. Wouldn’t it be cool if gray hair at a relatively early age meant that I am blessed with an unnaturally large amount of wisdom? Unfortunately that is not how it works, the little boy must be paddled and silenced for speaking out of turn! One rule of thumb that I’ve come up with concerning wisdom has held fast over the years. The wisest man will never specifically refer to himself as such. This is because the wise man understands his stations and abilities to a reasonable degree.
Proclaiming that you are wise means about as much as the internet man who says “I’m not like most guys”. I will figure out your motives for myself thank you very much, thanks for the clue though. Women will fall for that line because they hope it’s true. How about this: I’ll sit here and try to move a book with my mind, you go out with every guy who claims to be different. Then! We’ll meet back here in a couple years and see how has made the most progress. Seriously, do you think Bob goes around saying that he is special? Nooooo, but he doesn’t berate himself either. There is calm truth somewhere in all of this isn’t there? Bob is both wise and unlike most guys, Rachel is one of the lucky ones.
April 9th, 2007
11:36am
Denial
The fact that I’m even writing in here on a day that starts a week with a list of things to do that is tragically long… pretty much proves that I’m in some state of denial over life at the moment. My twenty-fifth birthday is less than a finger count away and I haven’t even had time to get excited. Not that there is much to be excited about, other than my best friend’s wedding, which in turn has nothing to do with my birthday. I will inevitably spend most of the day doing a combination of math, science and wedding rehearsal things. In preparation for this little trip I have a Speech chapter and outline to complete, a Networking and Geology paper to write, and study material to prepare for my Monday Zoology test. I’m so distracted. I want this semester to end, but I don’t. I’ve made some really cool friends this winter. Plus, no school work means free time, free time can lead a man to be hand in hand with uncomfortable land.
SIDENOTE
I have read and re-read my last entry through about two dozen times. Only this morning on the way to class did I realize how much unintentional symbolism the writing holds. I wrote that as a metaphor to my life over the past 14 months. I wrote it in such a way that very few people know what I’m talking about, maybe two or three actual people. The story is written about two of my closest childhood friends: Matt Hagan and Jacob Job (Pronounced with a long O, like joob, or the book of job in the bible). I didn’t mean for the first letters of the names to correspond with both parties it pertains to. So it would be equally unlikely that what happens to Matt and Jacob describes exactly what I was feeling for each of the players in my actual life that the first letter attunes to . My mind is eerily right, even when I doubt it. Telling stories of myself and life truths, even when I’m not meaning to.
Arts and Humanities are not areas of study that I know much about. The previous days writing really makes me wonder whether or not symbolism in paintings and novels is mostly coincidental. We study it, analyze the brush strokes and wordplay, yet who really knows what the mothers and fathers of old were really telling us. Music is another great example of this. Fortunately, modern composers are still around to tell the world what the lyrics meant to them… Not that I believe them. It’s always easier to appear like a deep thinker than to be one. This is a pretty good admission that I’m not a deep thinker on purpose, only by chance and reflection.
April 8th, 2007
7:19pm
ERA (Plural); Up In Smoke
Matt watched as his best friend faded away into the thickness of the forest. He starred and squinted at the tree brush until Jacob’s faded blue jeans were completely out of sight. His eyes began to dry, stinging painfully, still he refused to look away. Something huge was about to happen, an event that would tare through the fabrics of time and space for one unconscious mind. Matt dared not blink, not yet.
A loud crash echoed so close behind Jacob that he sprinted and leaped forward for cover. After a confused moment of panic he instinctively clambered to his feet and ran back up the path from which he came. Everything seemed exactly as it had just been seconds ago. Jacob saw it just moments after catching his breath, all in an instant his breath was lost once again.
When Matt finally blinked he opened his eyes to find a world completely alien to him. One year and four months had passed in a flash of innocence. Seconds were married to months and minutes were chased with Jager down the throat of an infinite hour-less night. His mouth tasted of a bitter lost youth. When he swallowed there was only a filling irony rejection.
Jacob arrived at the limp body of his green shirted friend and collapsed down to one knee. A giant oak tree limb lay beside Matt’s fractured face. Matt’s mouth was open like a child waiting for the air plane to come in with a spoonful of baby food. Instead of baby food flying in, Blood poured out and mixed with the rich brown dirt. The pool of blood painted a beautiful picture for Jacob to see… some things would never be the same again and there was little he could do. This time there would be no dog to chase the wheel of a screaming ambulance, this time he had to let what little control over the world he had slip away.
April 6th, 2007
1:57pm
The World We Live In
If someone asked you what this whole Bleeding Heart journal was about, various people would give a slew of different answers. More often than not though, I think people would say it’s about relationships, religion and life. Like most people I only find real inspiration to write when something tragicly bad or depressing happens. It’s really hard to put anything meaningful together when life is super fun or in a state of complacency. Part of me thinks that people don’t want to read about how much fun I’m having heh, kinda like watching that old Nickelodeon “Wild And Crazy Kids” show, “We’ll go anywhere and do anything to watch kids having fun!”. Honestly, who wants to read about that? Then again, who really cares what people want to read about? I guess on a lot of levels I do.
So I sit down and write about the things that seem important to me, the topics that some people might want to read…. Sex, relationships, fighting, blood, guts, guns, cuts, knives, lives, wives, nuns, sluts.. Isn’t that what the world is about though? Popular movies aren’t really made about guys trying to find and categorize snails. Movies are made about drama, action and comedy; most using relationships, stereotypes and religion in their plots right? My writing has really just become a socially accepted and normal pass time for all of us Go-Bots to read. Is my life really not any better than that? Am I foolish to think that it should be?
If I started writing about Math and Science more I get the feeling people might think I’m purposely trying to talk over their heads, that or bore them to death. The reality of Marty’s life is that only in those subjects added in with a little of philosophy are the closest things I have to real passion. Passion for lovers and friends is completely different, these I hold above all others. I may leave this state in search of a way to fulfill these other passions but a part of me knows that those who are also passionate about me will hold on and bridge the gaps in time and space. My Nepalese firefighter friends have worked in Kuwait for near or over four years now. Seeing their family once in that time, corresponding maybe every month. Why? Because they work to better themselves and their family, they work to the greater good of not just themselves but everyone close to them. My situation is completely different yet similar, a lesson can still be learned.
God damn it, I write like I talk. Complete digression of point and multiple topic changing. Perhaps that is the curse of my writing style. I will write… if only in a Go-Bots style. Hopefully I can add in some super nerdy things as well… find a way to make it all work together in a common goal.
March 27th, 2007
11:48am
Whatever you need to get by.
I’ve decided that whatever you need to get by, I’ll let slide.
You pretend the left hand can’t see what the right hand is doing and that’s fine.
Turn it off when you are near whats mine, turn it back when you’re ready to grind.
Whatever you need to get by.
Tell them lies to string them along, up until the day that I am gone.
Whatever you need to get by.
If you keep quiet all the things that are wrong, I’ll hold my tongue from the tired songs and lungs.
Whatever you need to get by.
Just say the words that you’d never say and tomorrow will be like I left today.
What you want and what’s right don’t have to be the same, now we both play the fool for the other one to entertain.
I’ve decided that whatever you need to get by, I’ll let slide.
You pretend the left hand can’t see what the right hand is doing and that’s fine.
March 25th, 2007
3:08am
Lasts Always Taste The Worst; Dream Believer.
Your last kiss was something more like Shrapnel, tearing through me
Tonight I had to go through yet another great good-bye in life. I’ve said this before, but with the final favors for a friend out of the way I am officially done at the bowling alley. Final days at work for me are always quite odd. While I no longer have the fear of getting fired, not that I was ever afraid of losing this job, you’d think just doing nothing would be the thing to do. No, not me, I do things by the book; organize bowling balls, turn on and off black lights, clean… It almost makes me sick to think about how I hate doing things half ass. Barring a mood swing day, that applies to a lot of different aspects of my life. Regardless, anyway, however, my days in a place I quite like, with people I loved, is now over and done with. I cried when I had to say good-bye to my Nepalese friends in Kuwait, I balled my eyes out at the airport in England when I gave my last kiss to a soon to be Ex-girlfriend… I’m an emotional guy, almost feminine at times heh. I can already imagine how hard it will be for me to do the move back to Idaho again, it sucks. Everyone focuses on how much different their lives will be without me, which is a valid concern. All I ask is that you take into consideration what all of that would mean to me. You’ll be in your apartment or your house surrounded by all of your lovely possessions, friends within shouting distance. Everything changes for me. Having done this many many many many many many many times does not make it any easier, especially if you’re a little bitch. A little bitch I most certainly am.
Lately I’ve been having more and more dreadfully disgusting dreams. It’s to the point where I lay in bed hoping for clowns with knives to chase me around never-never land all night long. Dreams of great complexity yet really not worth going into the ominous depth of them. Basically, people I care about losing themselves as I know them and not caring about me anymore. Doesn’t sound too bad right? Whatever, I’d rather have the fucking clowns. Never have I thought my own dreams to be prophetic and nor do I now. What I do think is that my dreams have a way of pointing out the obvious things in life that I would rather deal with on any day but today, everyday. Finding the truth behind a person’s actions is so heartbreakingly difficult. Real life is not CSI easy. You can only find out more than someone wants you to know by their admissions to you or others. Either that or stretch your arms beyond the point of what is right. Assuming that we stay within our personal ethical beliefs, and that these beliefs are benevolent, what does that leave us with? Trusting people at their word or follow what your gut is telling you.
Trusting people for their word is a book of riddles that in a perfect world should be no more difficult than connect the dots. We know that lying is not always wrong. So we justify the untruthful things we tell others as acceptable, even trivial. Self assuming that in some way these distortions are better for the person/people they involve, when the real benefaction goes mostly to the liar. Saying nothing at all might even be worse than lying, too close to really say at this point in my life.
Following your gut… how do we act decisively on anything that is grabbed out of thin air and not be left in doubt. In doubt that the repercussions of acting on said feelings are worth the consequences of confrontation or abandonment. Many people refer to me as “easy to talk with” yet my closest friends hide things from me… This is pretty paradoxical to me. Accepting and noticing when your best friends are lying or leaving things out is a hard gut driven reality that we all eventually have to deal with. My lackadaisical nature slides me over to ignoring these things each day, only the relentless torment of my dreams seems to shake me into action. Even so… going into a gun fight with a cap-gun usually leaves me bloodied and in retreat. Who am I kidding, I can’t even pull the trigger when I have a real gun with true ammunition.
I’ve always said that life is like a math equation. When the numbers are off, if things don’t add up… chances are that something is very, very wrong. Something is very, very wrong. Then again, *maybe* this is all just a product of an overactive imagination on a night left alone. Wish someone was here right about now… ho-hum. Where does 4:30am find you this morning?
March 20th, 2007
11:06pm
Happy Pass Away Day
On this day five years ago Brian lost a cousin, Bob and Rick lost a brother, and I felt their pain. To say that Scott Joseph Cinpak died at far too early by the number of 27 would be obvious and predictable. March 20, 2002; where were you? Do you have the faintest memory of anything in that day? There are those of us who do. Some of the “those of us” have horrible memories yet can still recall hour.
It was in this, the horsemen’s darkest hour, that the bleeding heart which you read right now was born. A month shy of turning 20, I was just a young pup in the ways of the world. When my friends needed me the most I was five time zones away and in the prime of my England years, unable to come to their aid. Emotion flooded my beer stained tear ducts; I needed to find a release. My hands lack the strength and wit to create art out of wood blocks or stone. These long fingers are not nearly nimble enough to dance with colors across a tapestry. Luckily, I could write, and so the Bleeding Heart Journal was born. I made my mark with poor grammar and constant spelling errors! Well before Weblogs became popular mind you.
Take a look at the picture near the top of the page next time you open my bleeding heart. The caption clearly states “In Loving Memory”. It was on this day... and now you know why.
Still, the chill of the cemetery whispers a chilly reminder that my heart bleeds for yet another. There was a girl. I knew Tracy Sharp after separating from the Air Force and returning to Michigan. In the summer months before leaving for Kuwait we shared a moment in time that could have been a lifetime considering that she died in the five months that followed. How she came to be buried mere feet away from the Canterbury/Cinpak plot flushes my mind into a whirl. My heart bleeds. I could not have mattered much to her, Tracy probably wouldn’t even haunt my dreams if she could… but it matters not. One of the strengths that makes Marty is his ability to love, and I love her. I love openly, give when I can, and lets face it… I’m one of the best friends you could ever have.
I've had this in my wallet since the day we met, for whatever reason I've never taken it out.
March 15th, 2007
1:58pm
Resignation
Jimmy,
There are a lot of things on my mind worth saying right now so I thought it best to put them into letters on a page. Firstly I want to say that working for you has been one of the best experiences of my life. People in everyday life with good character are far and few between. Someone who has that character in everyday life and carries it into the professional world is even harder to find. You know your craft and you’re passionate about getting the work done on time, the first time, all the time. I’m not sure if you know this, but those are some of the Air Force’s Core Values, you would have made it far in the military if that had been your chosen profession. I believe you would be great at anything you put your mind to, that is why you are a great person and that is why I admire you as a friend and as a subordinate.
In the past few weeks many things have happened, including Brian losing his job at AMF. You and Brian have a lot of history and I know that must not have been easy. Firing him must have felt like firing one of your brothers. Whatever the real reason behind letting him go is or was, it doesn’t really matter to me. Unfortunately, with that being said you know what has to happen with me and AMF now; immediate separation. Out of respect for both you and the rest of the mechanics I would normally give you a 2 week notice, but I regretfully admit that 2 weeks can not happen. My respect for you as a person and a supervisor compels me to write you this letter, but that respect does not carry the same weight with the AMF Corporation as a whole. Working at Summit Lanes has been one of the most socially rewarding experiences I had in quite sometime, thank you for giving me that opportunity.
I hope in time you will be able to forgive this indiscretion and in time maybe we have a few beers together and talk about nothing. I understand if you are upset, but hopefully these crazy days will pass. There will be new employees and my meager skills as a mechanic can be replaced in a couple of days. I hope you take these words to heart, because this isn’t just fluff, it’s how I feel. You are higher on the mental food chain than a majority of the people I’ve met in all of the world.
I wish you nothing but great things and happy days.
Spidermart@hotmail.com
Martin Burnett
March 13th, 2007
2:01pm
MH1’s The Best Week Ever!
This writing is going to be fairly pointless and to the point. Right now I find myself in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon and already the week is turning out to be both unusual and unusually great. Lets not jump the gun, but face it, this week has some definite potential.
Yesterday not only did I dissect a calm in Zoology, but the whole day went exactly as I had foreseen in my head, up until around 4pmish when Brian found out he would no longer be an AMF employee :-( . What that means for me, well, it’s in the cards isn’t it? I am the Maestro and the orchestra is playing along quite beautifully. I’m not saying that I planned or had any hand in Brian getting fired, because I didn’t. What I can say is that this turn of events plays even nicer into my hand than the first time I masturbated in the bathtube back on Pioneer Drive. Then again, the first time I masturbated I used shampoo and that hurt like a mofo= bad example.
On top of these things, the week of MD 20/20 has begun! My networking midterm exam / 4 hour Tuesday afternoon class was canceled. That by itself has allowed me to be way ahead of schedule today. If You Will It, It Will Be So. I even got a chance to clean up the house in preparation for Bob’s security clearance lady's arrival tomorrow morning after class (Bob needs a security review for his job every 5 years or so and I'm one of his references. I know a messy apartment probably won’t matter, but that’s how much I love the Bob. Just in case, on whatever crazy planet it matters, I do it for the Bob.
The pointless writing of Tuesday March 13th has officially ended! The day is both young and beautiful. Sandal and cut off camo-shorts day is finally here, almost too perfect isn’t it? Peace and Love.
March 11th, 2007
4:06am
Late Nights, Fast Dreams
My dreams have been mirroring my waking desires these past few nights. From what I can remember of these short-lived fantasy worlds, they take place everywhere and carry a cast of characters that includes a variety of my past and a large part of unknown faced anomalies.
For example:
Last night my dream found me back in Kuwait at the main fire station. I wasn’t working there again, I was just visiting one of the random places in my past that I’ve been thinking about lately. Instead of finding all of the people I once knew from that time and place, I found people from my much more distant past. Byron Mendoza, my roommate from Fire School in San Angelo Texas, was now a high ranking Fire Inspector in Kuwait. This isn’t weird at the core of normalcy, only a little odd because Byron never passed Fire School. He ended up AWOL from school for over two weeks, falling in love with a sixteen year old girl, and getting kicked out of the Air Force for some combination of the two. The dream in itself, with a cast of random oddities, was a pretty normal vision of my desires and fears in life. Do I want to go back to Kuwait? Partly. Can I put myself through twelve more months of that desert life? I don’t know.
My brain is jumbled with these conscious and subconscious thoughts of what I have and want. What is worth losing, what must be held on to at all costs. So business like does my mind work that I have to know the cost effectiveness of each action / potential action I make! Putting a price tag on a friendship is just about as comfortable as estimating the value of a human life. Whether or not either is purposeful or necessary does not change that it’s done at least indirectly on daily basis. I don’t specifically think "well I could lose friends if I’m away for another year, but making another $80k would be nice." But that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s not some form of the truth. Desires will drive a man to the edge. Passions will file down the edges of a knife and quickly pull the blade into his diaphragm until he can no longer breath. My desires have the high ground in a battle that has found me overwhelmed and surrounded both day and night. I long for the sweet relief that the cutting end of my passions will bring. A no-holds-bar end to the questions of should or should not.
At the end of this thought I will share with you something that came out of one of my Psychic Tourette’s Syndromes earlier today. I’ll explain what PTS means more later but this has been stuck in my head so here it is.
"There would be half as much if we had double."
What it means, I’m not sure, but I can’t get it out of my head.
March 9th, 2007
Who Knows What Time?
My Mother's Father's Father's Father
The year 2007 has brought with her a burning torch of desire and change. How does one person have 18 credit hours, a job, friends and family to see and still get bored? My Great great great great grandfather must have had kinky sex with a short, dark haired gypsy woman in the back of her caravan → while she was traveling across eastern Europe; I never stop. My feet can’t keep up with a mind that is already living in another exotic country, doing God knows what God knows where. Don’t hate me, it’s not my fault. I blame my ancient ancestor for doing the nasty with a girl I couldn’t even have said no to. Knowing me, I mean him, he probably ditched her and was from thence on forever cursed! Cursed to never be satisfied, cursed to love short dark haired women, cursed to never find home. Proving my blame shifting is easy like Ramen noodles; 15 cents at Walmart is a cheaper meal than Burger King ya fat cow.
What are the darkened silhouettes just beyond the evergreen trees? The winds of change throw pine needles and icy breezes unforgivingly across my face. What fruit of this world will satisfy my traveling tastes? I want not only the extreme but everything in between. I investigate all of these options: Antarctica, Ecuador, Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, and Alaska. Why? To know that I have the options? To give myself choices and not miss out on opportunities? If I knew these paths were more permanent, perhaps I could wait fast and have perfect plans…. Life does not however guarantee us anything beyond the moment.
Do I run to the mountains for cover, seclusion and sanctuary? Or trek much further south and back into the great unknown? Life does not guarantee us anything beyond the moment… This does not mean to live haphazardly and throw caution into the wind, but it does tell us that money earned isn’t necessarily money spent… Would I rather die an educated poor man or a monetarily comfortable ignoramus? This all might finally be starting to make some sense =/.. Round and Round we go.
March 5th, 2007
2:45am
Why we fight.
Through all of the relationship bashing that I’ve done over the years there are many things I have left out. What can I say other than that my wisdom can be short sighted and one-sided more often than I’d like. Every once in a while a pristine picture of reality does find standing room, every now and again I might even let it in the door and on to “paper”. Relationships can be evil, they are many mini battles in the war of Self vs. Union, but with the bad comes a story of untold positive possibilities. What I’m speaking comes from a man’s perspective… keep that well in mind.
Through all of the stabbing pain we find in and out of love, one phrase comes to mind “Behind Every Great Man Is A Greater Woman”. Earlier this morning around midnight I sat in Brian’s living room watching a “Dark Ages” special on the history channel. Eastern Roman Emperor Justinian I and his wife Theodora were highlighted and labeled with the previously mentioned quote several times. I’ve heard this saying more times than I could remember even if my memory was 100x more efficient than today’s sometimes sad reality of a recollection. It always came off as conformist bullshit. Not until today did I really stop to rethink what it means to myself and those around me.
In the past month Teresa has gained a Josh and Aaron, myself and Jess have all found ourselves in the odd position that is relatively “single”. Only after seeing the drastic changes in all of their priorities and behaviors can I start to make sense of any one part. Losing a woman is like losing your non-dominant arm. Even if the woman was a crapshoot or the relationship was a long lost cause, the arm was at least cosmetically pleasing. A man with one arm is less efficient, and more importantly distracted. Many things change when a man finds a reasonable, intelligent, stand-alone woman that he is attracted to. By gaining an arm and satisfying a primary need in the hierarchy of actualization we are shifting the invisible weights of life. Aaron is a prime example of this shifting of desires, or in his case a shifting of ethically available desires.
One of the most prominent needs in life is the need to find a mate. We wake up in the morning wanting the woman in our dreams, we go to sleep wishing we had our dream woman in bed with us. Think how much time we spend needlessly thinking about the could be’s and the never will be’s of love. Not that we don’t have anything better to do with our time, it’s just that no matter how much older and more mature we might get with age, our emotions still play havoc on our brains. Our skin may wrinkle but our hearts remain fifteen year old kids at their first high school dance.
* Should I ask her to dance, no she doesn’t like me, oh I wish I had enough guys to speak with her! Did she just look over here? Oh MY GOD! Nope her friend was standing behind me.*
How many things could we accomplish in our lives if there wasn’t the need to find our next mate? Better still, how much more could we get out of life if we were to find the perfect mate? Instead of fighting human nature we embrace it as many of the great leaders from long ago once did. It’s not a simple concept of two is better than one, honestly two is usually much worse and way more complicated than one. Would you rather have two STDs or one? One bastard child or two? What it’s about is finding the right person, one of the only people who can compliment you without holding you back. It’s the difference between having a fresh apple or a rotten apple, something you need vs. something that deserves to be thrown in the trash.
If we can clear our minds for just long enough to find that person without rushing things or killing ourselves with desire… maybe then we can win the battle of Self Vs. Union and forge a life that is more meaningful than the one. With two strong arms we will cup the world into our hands and extend our finger tips beyond the darkest regions of humanity as it is today. We will find the time and motivation to reclaim western Rome in the name of the empire, or at least try.
Disclaimer: Most relationships are evil because people are evil. Only for those of us who are not is there any hope, we must find each other.
February 27th, 2007
11:32am
*Romeo* The Love I bare Thee Can Afford No Better Term Than This, Thou Art A Villain.
I’m not sure how many more times I can go through these kind of things. Relationships take so much out of me that it’s hard to look back and completely appreciate how far you really came before the end. I like to think that I touch the lives of my relational entanglements in a positive way. Maybe they walk away a much better person than before, maybe I helped them to that end?
Only in retrospect can I really begin to see how much I put into my relationship with Jen. I helped her have the confidence to be where she is now? She would still likely be where she is today if it wasn’t for me, I just made it easier. Look at it like I’m the vehicle of change for these people in and out of my life. Their destination doesn’t change, whether it be college, work, or God knows where. Riding with me is just cleaner and a much safer environment than taking the bus. This is how I feel right about now.
The Vehicle De Marty is draining. My Passengers don’t abuse me, they wipe their feet and usually add or fix a few things along the way actually. The problem happens when it’s time for them to leave… My loves never mean any harm, but they always take with them a part of my soul. Pieces of me are spread across the world in more horcruxes than Harry Potter could have dreamed of. My Jen took an especially large cut into everything I am… and I’m left wondering if I could or should ever go through anything like that again with anyone else. Happiness isn’t quite so happy, concentration is less focused and the lines are blurred as I scramble to regain footing. I claw my toes frantically against the sharp edges of this unforgiving mountain until my toenails peel back and my foot is covered in a dark red sock. Can you see me now?
My soul condenses and heals just a little smaller each time, leaving me to wonder how many tares are left. I don’t fancy being alone, but I can’t go through this again, the numbers don’t add up. A quick lesson in math for all you lovers out there; no number can be divided by ZERO *0* It kills me to only have one person I can talk to about this who might actually understand. It might be time for me to get out of my vehicle and hitch a ride with someone else…. My tank is on E. I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had. I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take but people run in circles it’s a very very mad world
February 18th, 2007
9:03pm
I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
This is a house of madness and we are the rainbow clowns of insanity. Scents of Pine-sol attacked my nostrils as I walked in the door; purge this room of unclean thoughts. What is unknown will be made known to all, ridiculous thoughts are now dicelous. Which story is to be wiped off and relived again in characters? Plenty more from whence Q came, something new and of interest.
February 17th, 2007
4:40am
I hope this is so long that no one reads it all.
The reality of my situation has never been as apparent as it is right now. The pen I’m using to write on this sheet of paper in the back of my black math notebook is a blue Boise State pen. Ink from this new pen glides easily across each page, an anti-symbolic metaphor to how I’m feeling about life, especially Boise State. I wish this pen came with a fucked up spring and a broken clip, then maybe I could have one bad thing to say about my idealistic dream of attending BSU and living in Idaho. What the hell is the point if you can’t make a decent pen?
My days are filled with thoughts of the “BSU Dilemma” much like a bar tender habitually tips each glass before pouring a glass of beer. With each sip I try to forget, slip so far away that my brain finally quits. The room starts to spin and I fade away, hoping tomorrow comes much later than today. Little did I know that in my dreams I would get, uncontrollable tastes of more unbelievable shit.
Sometimes the tempo of my thoughts can lead to random poetry. Almost as if I have a melody of inner-monologue singing in my head at all times. “I wonder if Aaron will be ok! Will he fight another day!?” Unfortunately my mind is nothing near an A-flat. I honestly don’t even know what an A-flat sounds like, but I digress, I digress.
This writing is not about how I am physically and mentally dying more times in a day than there are snowflakes in a midnight Michigan blizzard. No, No, No, this is about fear of commitment, the terror of abandoning your friends and family for a third time. What most people don’t realize is that Marty is a quitter. It is in my nature to walk out of the ring after a shitty first round. I’m sorry coach, I just can’t do this anymore, you’ve got the wrong guy, fuck this I’m out. I’m not afraid to compete, I’m frightened of losing. So afraid to lose that I will give up well before any real plot has unfolded.
I only seem like a strong person because I am deceptive. I deceive everyone all of the time and, and here is the kicker, I like it. I consider myself a nomad by nature, but only because it sounds mysterious and cool. I am no more mysterious than a Walmart gumball machine, especially after I finish writing this.
I am an Air Force veteran of four years in service as a firefighter. Everyone who knows me has an idea of why I decided to sign up, but do they also know that I tried to sign out? Less than a week into basic training I walked out of chow hall formation and into a room of our squadron building, an area that no trainee was permitted to enter. Hoping to find help, someone to get me out of there, I frantically bended each corner in a frenzy of emotion. To my dismay the only living soul sat in a tiny plastic chair and wore the rank of Airman Basic; trainee. No one was around to save me from the fast approaching footsteps of my T.I. just moments after my escape. I hyperventilated, I thought I would die, if they had given me the option to leave the Air Force with a dishonorable discharge I would have taken it. Why I did this… I can’t say for certain. This would not be the last time I haste fully made for an easier way out.
Around week four or five of the Air Force’s relatively short six and a half week basic training I discovered my new purpose in life. Entering the Air Force with an open general contract basically means that someone you have never met before gets to choose what you’d like to do with your life. The correct answer is…… -Firefighter- a child with filthy rich parents and no presents under the Christmas tree could not have held a candle to how I felt. How does a person with a somewhat high ASVAP score get placed into the career field with the lowest score requirement? I never dreamed of running into burning building as a child, it never made much sense.
I accepted the new slighting in stride, what else could I do? In the beginning everything went along smoothly, until the day I first realized a twist in the plot; –Other people’s lives would be in my hands-. Not only did the kid wake up on Christmas morning with no presents, now he has to save his sister from choking to death on the mistletoe. Nothing was holy, God hated me, Life is not fair. There was a way out, it was all too easy.
Air Force fire school consisted of seven different training blocks.
Block 1 & 2 = Intro + Medical First Aid
Block 3 = Confined Space
Block 4 = Structural firefighter
Block 5 = Hazardous Materials Awareness
Block 6 = Airport Firefighter
Block 7 = Rescue
It was in block three that I decided to pull the plug on this bubble-less bath. I convincingly failed the end of block test two consecutive times, grounds for expulsion from the program and sometimes even the Air Force. I anticipated this much, unfortunately for our hero… so did the Air Force. Instead of being ejected from the military at 12,000 feet I was pulled into a tiny room to stand in front of an oversized table. Four Marines and a Navy officer sat judgingly straight-faced behind the table, their gazes fixed on a point that was either just behind me or in the middle of my forehead; I couldn’t tell.
“ You will not fail, you will go to jail before we allow you to fail. “
The Jig was up, I couldn’t even quit right… again.
I’m not sure how many people already knew the entire truths of those stories before now. The implications of my actions were great, clouds so thick they would have fogged my existence for countless years. How was I so readily able to accept that? That stage in my life taught me great lessons of how to achieve success in things you hate. Now the problem becomes how to succeed in the dreams you create. Silly as it sounds, I am much more proficient in “sucking it up” than in just doing. Almost as if I make every big step in life extremely difficult, therefore ensuring success! Backwards logic from a man on his heels.
I am afraid of myself… what will happen if I decide to quit and no one is there to stop me? Everything I have built is on the line for a third, but not final, time. In the Fire Dept we have this saying that our emergencies always come in groups of three. Only after the third call could we finally rest again peacefully.
February 13th, 2007
11:40pm
Two Months Until Quarter Century
I wasn’t even going to write in here today but an odd set of occurrences has set me to write, even if just a little. Today I heard from some random people, friends I haven’t heard from in months and years, Fucking crazy! My old Air Force Buddy Tom hits me up on AIM every once in a while, usually when I’m not at the computer. The crazy Motherfucker is in Ohio now and we’re reminiscing about the “Golden Days”. It’s like I said before, “everyone is changing, even me, but that doesn’t mean we can’t relive that shit together!” For boredom, for love, for who I was, for who I am, here is our convo.
I don't expect anyone to read this shit... but it's a good laugh, gotta love my people.
Do you know this person? Report IM Spam
Wait... if I know him does that mean I can't report spam? We all a bunch of Hos!
thatsmylanguage (9:58:24 PM): ^_^
municiplecourt (10:02:21 PM): what up
thatsmylanguage (10:02:26 PM): sup dude
municiplecourt (10:02:38 PM): watching star wars episode 3!
municiplecourt (10:02:41 PM): :-0
thatsmylanguage (10:02:44 PM): ive never seen it!
municiplecourt (10:02:53 PM): want a play by play?
thatsmylanguage (10:03:00 PM): no thx
thatsmylanguage (10:03:03 PM): hows the snow there
municiplecourt (10:03:08 PM): lol
municiplecourt (10:03:11 PM): lovely
municiplecourt (10:03:15 PM): how is the snow there
thatsmylanguage (10:03:17 PM): this shit is KILLING me
municiplecourt (10:03:31 PM): yours is worse than mine I think
thatsmylanguage (10:03:35 PM): yeah
thatsmylanguage (10:03:39 PM): we got that wintry mix bullshit
municiplecourt (10:04:40 PM): so you're still in OOOhio
thatsmylanguage (10:04:49 PM): yessir
municiplecourt (10:04:59 PM): near cincin or Clev?
thatsmylanguage (10:05:04 PM): columbus
thatsmylanguage (10:05:09 PM): smack dab in the middle of the city
municiplecourt (10:05:29 PM): I don't know if you remember my friend Bob that came to visit from Hawaii way back when
municiplecourt (10:05:38 PM): but he is getting married somewhere in Ohio in April
thatsmylanguage (10:05:42 PM): word
municiplecourt (10:06:15 PM): so whats new
thatsmylanguage (10:06:18 PM): not much
thatsmylanguage (10:06:28 PM): got a job cooking in a pretty amazing resteraunt
thatsmylanguage (10:06:34 PM): i guess being a services troop paid off haha
municiplecourt (10:07:07 PM): really
municiplecourt (10:07:11 PM): you like it then?
thatsmylanguage (10:07:15 PM): yeah i do
thatsmylanguage (10:07:21 PM): it pays well, its fun as fuck
thatsmylanguage (10:07:23 PM): free food
thatsmylanguage (10:07:27 PM): all organic shit
thatsmylanguage (10:07:31 PM): high quality ingredients
thatsmylanguage (10:07:34 PM): trendy resteraunt
thatsmylanguage (10:07:48 PM): really close to my house, like 10 blocks
municiplecourt (10:07:49 PM): still smokin the organic shit too? lol
thatsmylanguage (10:07:55 PM): haha yeah of course
thatsmylanguage (10:07:56 PM): always
municiplecourt (10:08:05 PM): and still with your woman?
thatsmylanguage (10:08:27 PM): yep
thatsmylanguage (10:08:30 PM): been over a year
municiplecourt (10:08:38 PM): congrats
thatsmylanguage (10:09:11 PM): what have you been up too
municiplecourt (10:09:32 PM): still in school, working as a mechanic at the bowling alley on weekends
thatsmylanguage (10:09:45 PM): no firefighter?
thatsmylanguage (10:09:58 PM): also how much does the gi bill give you monthly?
municiplecourt (10:10:05 PM): 1075
thatsmylanguage (10:10:08 PM): goddamn
thatsmylanguage (10:10:13 PM): i need to go to cooking school
municiplecourt (10:10:23 PM): and I only pay about $2k a month for school
municiplecourt (10:10:32 PM): so I get a good $2000 extra
thatsmylanguage (10:10:38 PM): man
thatsmylanguage (10:10:42 PM): i need to get up on that shit
thatsmylanguage (10:11:39 PM): thats a lotta dough
thatsmylanguage (10:11:44 PM): i guess we earned it though amirite
municiplecourt (10:12:00 PM): I'm gonna milk it til that shit is gone
thatsmylanguage (10:12:06 PM): i hear that shit
municiplecourt (10:12:36 PM): let Sam pay for a cooking school, and some weed on the side lol
thatsmylanguage (10:12:43 PM): hells yeah
thatsmylanguage (10:12:49 PM): that motherfucker owes me!
municiplecourt (10:13:22 PM): you seem like you're doing very well man, a happy Tom is a good thing
thatsmylanguage (10:13:31 PM): yeah i am doing pretty good
thatsmylanguage (10:13:34 PM): we got a cat!
thatsmylanguage (10:13:42 PM): we named her MACHINE FIST
municiplecourt (10:13:56 PM): lol
municiplecourt (10:14:08 PM): is that a band or some reference I don't get?
thatsmylanguage (10:14:11 PM): no
thatsmylanguage (10:14:15 PM): its just me being fucking weird
municiplecourt (10:14:24 PM): I remember last time we talked
municiplecourt (10:14:40 PM): you were talking about "Fear and loathing in Ohio" lol
thatsmylanguage (10:14:46 PM): haha yeah
thatsmylanguage (10:14:53 PM): i chilled out on that shit a lot
thatsmylanguage (10:14:59 PM): just smoking them weeds
thatsmylanguage (10:15:02 PM): hangin with my lady
municiplecourt (10:15:12 PM): sweet
thatsmylanguage (10:15:40 PM): no doubt
thatsmylanguage (10:15:43 PM): you still gaming
municiplecourt (10:16:32 PM): when I can, when there is time, but my friends here aren't down as much
thatsmylanguage (10:16:51 PM): i played halo 2 with my girlfriends little brother
thatsmylanguage (10:16:55 PM): and he wrecked me
municiplecourt (10:16:57 PM): lol
thatsmylanguage (10:16:58 PM): im out of practice
municiplecourt (10:17:08 PM): you know whats funny that I just thought of
thatsmylanguage (10:17:10 PM): we used to have fucking marathons
municiplecourt (10:17:23 PM): yes we did.. .dew, pizza, hells yeah
municiplecourt (10:17:40 PM): but my name " municiplecourt".. I originally made that name to fuck with you over AIM
thatsmylanguage (10:17:47 PM): i remmeber that
municiplecourt (10:17:47 PM): and I just kinda kept it
thatsmylanguage (10:17:56 PM): ive had so many aims through the years
thatsmylanguage (10:18:01 PM): but this shit has stuck since florida
municiplecourt (10:18:12 PM): tommetric or something like that right
thatsmylanguage (10:18:16 PM): beckyperks
municiplecourt (10:18:26 PM): metrictheory
thatsmylanguage (10:18:28 PM): yeah
thatsmylanguage (10:18:31 PM): thats gone
municiplecourt (10:18:37 PM): I liked that name
thatsmylanguage (10:18:40 PM): condescends was my favorite
thatsmylanguage (10:18:46 PM): gone :/
thatsmylanguage (10:18:51 PM): i never did pay aol
municiplecourt (10:18:56 PM): lol
municiplecourt (10:19:08 PM): you know some 14 year old kid is rocking that name now
thatsmylanguage (10:19:13 PM): yeah
thatsmylanguage (10:19:21 PM): thats the name of the game tho
municiplecourt (10:19:46 PM): how many days a week they got you workin?
thatsmylanguage (10:21:24 PM): i work 40+
thatsmylanguage (10:21:30 PM): making 12 bucks an hour
thatsmylanguage (10:21:33 PM): great dough
municiplecourt (10:21:41 PM): fuckin A
thatsmylanguage (10:21:52 PM): i remember all the fucking assholes when i worked at the dining hall
thatsmylanguage (10:22:02 PM): would tell me i would only work at mcdonalds or something when i got out
municiplecourt (10:22:05 PM): lol
thatsmylanguage (10:22:06 PM): FUCK YALL BITCHES
thatsmylanguage (10:22:11 PM): my shit is gourmet son
municiplecourt (10:22:30 PM): you always had a way of finding nitches in the wall
thatsmylanguage (10:22:44 PM): i was just thinking
thatsmylanguage (10:22:52 PM): i havent seen any of you guys in almost 5 years
thatsmylanguage (10:22:59 PM): you are one of my oldest friends man
municiplecourt (10:23:19 PM): yeah, it's been way too long
thatsmylanguage (10:23:31 PM): crazy
thatsmylanguage (10:23:38 PM): so much shit has transpired since then
municiplecourt (10:23:51 PM): yes sir
municiplecourt (10:24:10 PM): Ben is a complete douche bag since then lol
thatsmylanguage (10:24:14 PM): yeah
thatsmylanguage (10:24:20 PM): i havent talked to him since england
thatsmylanguage (10:24:34 PM): whats up with him
municiplecourt (10:24:38 PM): lol
municiplecourt (10:24:51 PM): did I tell you the story about how he got married?
thatsmylanguage (10:24:58 PM): yeah i think so
thatsmylanguage (10:25:10 PM): refresh my memory
municiplecourt (10:25:52 PM): to sum it up, he came to MI on leave with me when he and his old lady broke up, met this girl on the first day, hung out with her the whole time and she came back with us to Idaho
thatsmylanguage (10:26:06 PM): right i remember now
municiplecourt (10:26:09 PM): they got married 2 weeks later, randomly, on a day I was working
thatsmylanguage (10:26:14 PM): crazy
municiplecourt (10:26:30 PM): yeah, he actually came around here over the summer
municiplecourt (10:26:59 PM): he stopped in like once and then sent me an email saying his wife wouldn't drive him over here because she didn't like how he acted around me
thatsmylanguage (10:27:08 PM): hahah what
municiplecourt (10:27:08 PM): haven't heard from him since
thatsmylanguage (10:27:35 PM): damn
municiplecourt (10:27:48 PM): I'm not one for drama, but that is the ben story
thatsmylanguage (10:27:51 PM): ben always was a sucker when it came to the ladies
municiplecourt (10:27:59 PM): no doubt
thatsmylanguage (10:28:12 PM): he was always different when his girl was aroung
thatsmylanguage (10:28:20 PM): i remember you guys dated those two chicks
thatsmylanguage (10:28:30 PM): and he was always different
municiplecourt (10:28:31 PM): I remember he used to have me tell his girlfriend he didn't want her to come to base
thatsmylanguage (10:28:38 PM): haha
municiplecourt (10:28:43 PM): then he would answer his phone and be like "No, I never said that" lol
thatsmylanguage (10:28:55 PM): crazy
municiplecourt (10:29:02 PM): buuuut
municiplecourt (10:29:09 PM): Craig and Adam are doing good
thatsmylanguage (10:29:16 PM): yeah i talk to craig now and then
thatsmylanguage (10:29:21 PM): im gonna be honest though
thatsmylanguage (10:29:25 PM): i really never liked adam
thatsmylanguage (10:29:33 PM): he always fucking annoyed the shit out of me
thatsmylanguage (10:29:41 PM): i mean i hung with him because i didnt want drama
thatsmylanguage (10:29:47 PM): but he always drove me batshit insane
municiplecourt (10:30:10 PM): lol
thatsmylanguage (10:30:11 PM): i think i just realized this like a year ago
municiplecourt (10:30:24 PM): it's weird the things we think of in retrospect
thatsmylanguage (10:30:37 PM): what about carrie
thatsmylanguage (10:30:41 PM): theres a blast from the past
thatsmylanguage (10:30:44 PM): im in her hood haha
municiplecourt (10:30:49 PM): lol
municiplecourt (10:30:55 PM): you know speaking of not liking people
municiplecourt (10:31:18 PM): if we hadn't talked since leaving the Heath I woulda sworn you didn't like me much
municiplecourt (10:31:24 PM): mostly because of the Carrie thing
thatsmylanguage (10:31:30 PM): why would i care about that
municiplecourt (10:31:49 PM): well, because you were her friend and I fucked her over
thatsmylanguage (10:31:51 PM): motherfuckers were young
thatsmylanguage (10:32:15 PM): i think you think i cared a lot more than i did
municiplecourt (10:32:32 PM): yeah, well it's good I was wrong
thatsmylanguage (10:32:54 PM): i dont even remember the details of that
thatsmylanguage (10:33:02 PM): shit was so long ago man
municiplecourt (10:33:07 PM): I can refresh you lol
thatsmylanguage (10:33:10 PM): hahha
thatsmylanguage (10:33:19 PM): i remember craigs old room mate banging some girl against the kitchen door
thatsmylanguage (10:33:22 PM): i hated that kid
municiplecourt (10:33:31 PM): Matt Maros
thatsmylanguage (10:33:37 PM): i remember CONUNDRUM
municiplecourt (10:33:44 PM): you know
thatsmylanguage (10:33:54 PM): craig likes big girls...it all makes sens
municiplecourt (10:34:05 PM): that bitch has a kid around the right age to be his or Ians
municiplecourt (10:34:12 PM): thats what Craig told me anyway
thatsmylanguage (10:34:17 PM): woah
municiplecourt (10:34:28 PM): CrAzY
thatsmylanguage (10:34:38 PM): hahaha
municiplecourt (10:34:41 PM): you still smoke cigs?
thatsmylanguage (10:34:43 PM): she gave me a box of cereal
thatsmylanguage (10:34:48 PM): yeah hahahah weird i just lit one
thatsmylanguage (10:34:52 PM): i smoke filterless now
thatsmylanguage (10:34:54 PM): i roll my own
municiplecourt (10:34:56 PM): weird, I'm about to go get one
thatsmylanguage (10:34:59 PM): cheaper and actually mor ehealthy
municiplecourt (10:34:59 PM): 1 sec
thatsmylanguage (10:35:02 PM): k
municiplecourt (10:36:40 PM): I used to roll em, with that machine roller
thatsmylanguage (10:36:49 PM): i roll mine by hand
thatsmylanguage (10:36:54 PM): a thing i picked up from the brits
thatsmylanguage (10:37:10 PM): you know who IMs me everyonnce in awhile
municiplecourt (10:37:11 PM): I miss those limey fuckers
municiplecourt (10:37:17 PM): wait
municiplecourt (10:37:19 PM): I know this
thatsmylanguage (10:37:23 PM): ..........
municiplecourt (10:37:31 PM): cazza?
thatsmylanguage (10:37:33 PM): yeah
thatsmylanguage (10:37:37 PM): she was in love with me dude
thatsmylanguage (10:37:40 PM): and i fucked her over bad
municiplecourt (10:37:43 PM): yeah
thatsmylanguage (10:37:50 PM): like i said
thatsmylanguage (10:37:54 PM): motherfuckers were young
thatsmylanguage (10:37:59 PM): she still harbors insane feelings for me
municiplecourt (10:38:09 PM): but know we know a thing or two about a thing or two
thatsmylanguage (10:38:16 PM): true that
municiplecourt (10:38:16 PM): *now
thatsmylanguage (10:38:22 PM): 1) BRITISH PEOPLE ARE CRAZY
thatsmylanguage (10:38:28 PM): 2) DONT DROP THE BOMB IN FAT CHICKS
municiplecourt (10:38:35 PM): lol
thatsmylanguage (10:38:40 PM): i still think that night in cambs when andy and them ditched us
thatsmylanguage (10:38:46 PM): how much numbers did we pull that night
municiplecourt (10:38:50 PM): how could you forget
thatsmylanguage (10:38:57 PM): dude that was my most mackalicious night
municiplecourt (10:39:00 PM): that is how legends are made
thatsmylanguage (10:39:10 PM): that girl was straight up riding me
municiplecourt (10:39:19 PM): *hey tom*
municiplecourt (10:39:23 PM): *We gotta go*
municiplecourt (10:39:33 PM): *We don't leave pals behind*
thatsmylanguage (10:39:35 PM): we shoulda caught a cab home
municiplecourt (10:39:52 PM): motherfuckers were young
thatsmylanguage (10:39:57 PM): yessir
municiplecourt (10:40:05 PM): you know
municiplecourt (10:40:14 PM): back on the cazza thing, you remember how that started yeah?
thatsmylanguage (10:40:18 PM): yeah
thatsmylanguage (10:40:46 PM): you know she never let me hit that shti dude
municiplecourt (10:40:59 PM): maybe for the better?
thatsmylanguage (10:41:03 PM): yeah probably
municiplecourt (10:41:15 PM): I always thought those chicks that liked to get hit in the dayroom with Godzilla on were kinda FREAKS
thatsmylanguage (10:41:25 PM): hahahhahahahahahhahaha
thatsmylanguage (10:41:32 PM): i got some nook in the dayroom
municiplecourt (10:41:33 PM): you know whats amazing
thatsmylanguage (10:41:41 PM): OW ME EYE
municiplecourt (10:41:46 PM): my memory is shitty, and I remember your sex life
thatsmylanguage (10:41:52 PM): hahahahahahahhahahahahahaha
thatsmylanguage (10:42:04 PM): hahah
thatsmylanguage (10:42:06 PM): im LOLin
municiplecourt (10:42:14 PM): explain that one to me
thatsmylanguage (10:42:21 PM): im a great story teller
thatsmylanguage (10:42:23 PM): or so im told
municiplecourt (10:42:43 PM): I have to agree with that
municiplecourt (10:42:55 PM): I still randomly say Oi! me eye!
thatsmylanguage (10:42:58 PM): remeber when i tried to walk in on you bangin that chick
municiplecourt (10:43:00 PM): nobody ever gets it
thatsmylanguage (10:43:16 PM): yeah i tell that story to people now and they look at me like i was crazy
thatsmylanguage (10:43:18 PM): that girl though
thatsmylanguage (10:43:21 PM): she was like 32
thatsmylanguage (10:43:32 PM): that couldnt have been the first time osmeone busted in her eye....
municiplecourt (10:43:46 PM): the girl I was banging that you walked in on was like 32 or 34
municiplecourt (10:43:54 PM): bitch said she was 28 at the time
thatsmylanguage (10:43:59 PM): they loved us americans
thatsmylanguage (10:44:18 PM): crazy
municiplecourt (10:44:27 PM): yeah I wonder a lot about those days
municiplecourt (10:45:06 PM): if we were 18, getting drunk, going to raves, hooking up with mad chicks... shit changes man.. you become someone who is completely different and you're left asking the question "How do I top that shit now?"
thatsmylanguage (10:45:19 PM): haha
thatsmylanguage (10:45:24 PM): i dont go out anymore dud
thatsmylanguage (10:45:26 PM): i figure
thatsmylanguage (10:45:30 PM): i already did all of that
thatsmylanguage (10:45:35 PM): im on some other shit these days
thatsmylanguage (10:45:48 PM): stopped hustling too
thatsmylanguage (10:45:54 PM): im GROWN now
thatsmylanguage (10:46:05 PM): its weird but im happy
thatsmylanguage (10:46:08 PM): im lying its not weird
municiplecourt (10:46:15 PM): lol
thatsmylanguage (10:46:19 PM): i just grew up i guess
municiplecourt (10:46:26 PM): thats what I mean
thatsmylanguage (10:46:31 PM): we were so young dude
thatsmylanguage (10:46:35 PM): i am a completly different person
municiplecourt (10:46:45 PM): me too
municiplecourt (10:46:53 PM): it's a weird transition
municiplecourt (10:47:07 PM): it just kinda is
thatsmylanguage (10:47:13 PM): yeah
thatsmylanguage (10:47:23 PM): i remmeber when we were walking to the bx
thatsmylanguage (10:47:25 PM): and that kid walked by
thatsmylanguage (10:47:28 PM): and you were like
thatsmylanguage (10:47:30 PM): YO WHATS UP
thatsmylanguage (10:47:36 PM): and tried to shake his hand
thatsmylanguage (10:47:40 PM): and how hard i laughed
municiplecourt (10:47:47 PM): and
municiplecourt (10:47:51 PM): we were going
municiplecourt (10:47:53 PM): to buy you
municiplecourt (10:47:55 PM): a belt
thatsmylanguage (10:47:58 PM): yeah
thatsmylanguage (10:48:09 PM): a belt
municiplecourt (10:48:17 PM): I need to write some of this shit down
thatsmylanguage (10:48:22 PM): seriously
thatsmylanguage (10:48:25 PM): there is some gold
thatsmylanguage (10:48:33 PM): scotty aspell....
municiplecourt (10:48:40 PM): I still have one of his dog tags
thatsmylanguage (10:48:43 PM): wow
thatsmylanguage (10:48:48 PM): i looked for him on myspace
thatsmylanguage (10:48:49 PM): andy too
thatsmylanguage (10:48:52 PM): no luck
municiplecourt (10:48:58 PM): I've been meaning to ask you
thatsmylanguage (10:48:58 PM): i miss andys lugheadded ass
thatsmylanguage (10:49:15 PM): even if he did fuck a girl on my bed when i was in the desert
municiplecourt (10:49:18 PM): how did you feel about the 14 year old take over of myspace
thatsmylanguage (10:49:23 PM): crazy
thatsmylanguage (10:49:26 PM): we were some of the first dude
thatsmylanguage (10:49:36 PM): i had myspace literally 2 weeks afterit came out
municiplecourt (10:49:44 PM): and you introduced it to me
thatsmylanguage (10:49:47 PM): i did
thatsmylanguage (10:49:54 PM): and ive deleted and remade profiles like 200 times
municiplecourt (10:50:16 PM): yeah, I tell people I was one of the first and they're like, yeah me too, 2005
thatsmylanguage (10:50:21 PM): hahah
thatsmylanguage (10:50:27 PM): and youre like
thatsmylanguage (10:50:28 PM): NOPE
thatsmylanguage (10:51:01 PM): remember when i wrote marty is gay in cheez wiz on the bench outside your room
municiplecourt (10:51:07 PM): whatever though, picking up chicks on myspace is 2005
municiplecourt (10:51:13 PM): yeah
thatsmylanguage (10:51:33 PM): im an asshole
thatsmylanguage (10:51:37 PM): i still do that kindof shit to people
municiplecourt (10:51:41 PM): lmao
municiplecourt (10:51:55 PM): I am tom's complete lack of surprise
thatsmylanguage (10:52:01 PM): ^_^
thatsmylanguage (10:52:15 PM): you talk to wes
thatsmylanguage (10:52:31 PM): last i heard he was bouncing around the country
municiplecourt (10:52:56 PM): I haven't, everytime I try to IM weshalo it's his mom
thatsmylanguage (10:53:01 PM): yeah
municiplecourt (10:53:05 PM): bouncing around the country doing what?
thatsmylanguage (10:53:12 PM): i dotn even know
thatsmylanguage (10:53:20 PM): last time we talked was in 05
thatsmylanguage (10:53:37 PM): i was going to cali and was supposed to hang with him but he never answered his phone
municiplecourt (10:53:39 PM): I miss that crazy fucker
thatsmylanguage (10:53:48 PM): i bet hes a jihadist now
thatsmylanguage (10:53:52 PM): he was crazy dude
thatsmylanguage (10:54:00 PM): he hated the air force more than all of us
thatsmylanguage (10:54:03 PM): i mean we all hated it
thatsmylanguage (10:54:08 PM): but wes took that shit to another level
municiplecourt (10:54:12 PM): if anyone was going to break out a knife and stab you, it would have been good old wes
municiplecourt (10:54:25 PM): he used to snap
thatsmylanguage (10:54:30 PM): dude you know what i miss a lot from the heath
thatsmylanguage (10:54:35 PM): popeyes breakfast sandwiches
thatsmylanguage (10:54:40 PM): with the chicken and egg biscuits
municiplecourt (10:54:45 PM): I know where you are going with this
thatsmylanguage (10:54:47 PM): they do not have that shit at popeyes
municiplecourt (10:55:00 PM): Uh, excuse me
thatsmylanguage (10:55:03 PM): wait
thatsmylanguage (10:55:04 PM): wait
thatsmylanguage (10:55:04 PM): wait
thatsmylanguage (10:55:05 PM): what
thatsmylanguage (10:55:17 PM): you never had one?
municiplecourt (10:55:25 PM): no, I did, and I loved it
municiplecourt (10:55:35 PM): but I was starting to quote that one bitch
thatsmylanguage (10:55:40 PM): OH
thatsmylanguage (10:55:42 PM): hahahah yeah
municiplecourt (10:55:43 PM): I have two young children
thatsmylanguage (10:55:47 PM): when adam was cursing
thatsmylanguage (10:55:58 PM): remember going to electric avenue and being like
thatsmylanguage (10:56:06 PM): wtf get some better movies in
municiplecourt (10:56:10 PM): lol
thatsmylanguage (10:56:12 PM): milky ways
thatsmylanguage (10:56:18 PM): I MISSED THE BUS
thatsmylanguage (10:56:21 PM): OH SHIT
municiplecourt (10:56:22 PM): and Marlboro mediums
thatsmylanguage (10:56:31 PM): i cant believe that dj had that shit
municiplecourt (10:59:29 PM): you outs?
thatsmylanguage (10:59:36 PM): hahah NO
thatsmylanguage (10:59:37 PM): dude
thatsmylanguage (10:59:38 PM): the dj
thatsmylanguage (10:59:42 PM): playing kriss kross
municiplecourt (10:59:46 PM): lol
municiplecourt (10:59:55 PM): that is something I will never ever ever do again
municiplecourt (10:59:58 PM): where was that at?
thatsmylanguage (10:59:59 PM): hhahaha
thatsmylanguage (11:00:03 PM): the club on base
thatsmylanguage (11:00:04 PM): we were
thatsmylanguage (11:00:05 PM): so
thatsmylanguage (11:00:06 PM): fucking
thatsmylanguage (11:00:07 PM): drunk
municiplecourt (11:00:12 PM): that club was cool
municiplecourt (11:00:14 PM): empty
municiplecourt (11:00:18 PM): w/slots
thatsmylanguage (11:00:25 PM): i got tore up in there so many times
municiplecourt (11:00:26 PM): and we could walk home
thatsmylanguage (11:00:29 PM): i remember that day we went there
thatsmylanguage (11:00:38 PM): with the intention of getting completly fucked up
municiplecourt (11:01:30 PM): and
thatsmylanguage (11:01:38 PM): and we did
municiplecourt (11:01:40 PM): lol
thatsmylanguage (11:01:49 PM): i cant even drink no mroe dude
thatsmylanguage (11:01:53 PM): i got so fucked up in england
municiplecourt (11:01:58 PM): no more baileys?
thatsmylanguage (11:01:59 PM): i could never do that these days
thatsmylanguage (11:02:01 PM): well
thatsmylanguage (11:02:05 PM): that sounds good actually
thatsmylanguage (11:02:12 PM): maybe i will buy a bottle and sip it in the snow
municiplecourt (11:02:26 PM): you are the one that got me into baileys with ice
municiplecourt (11:02:30 PM): I still love that shit
thatsmylanguage (11:02:34 PM): its so good
thatsmylanguage (11:02:42 PM): i started drinking that on my 2 weeks off from the deset
thatsmylanguage (11:02:48 PM): you guys would work
thatsmylanguage (11:02:53 PM): and id drink that shit all day
thatsmylanguage (11:02:56 PM): then on your day off
thatsmylanguage (11:03:00 PM): we'd drink it together all day
thatsmylanguage (11:03:12 PM): i remmeber getting sloshed off that shit at like 11 am
municiplecourt (11:03:34 PM): I wish I had some
municiplecourt (11:04:01 PM): I don't drink heavily anymore... some beer when I bowl, pretty much it
thatsmylanguage (11:04:08 PM): all i do is smoke herb
thatsmylanguage (11:04:13 PM): i drink maybe once every other month
municiplecourt (11:04:37 PM): I take like 2 hits of smoke and I'm like, fuck it I'm good
municiplecourt (11:04:40 PM): my girl smokes a lot
municiplecourt (11:04:45 PM): calls me a pussy
thatsmylanguage (11:05:23 PM): damn
thatsmylanguage (11:05:25 PM): not me
thatsmylanguage (11:05:44 PM): i smoke blunts every day
municiplecourt (11:05:48 PM): you probably need that hard hydroponic shit
thatsmylanguage (11:05:59 PM): yeah i smoke all organic kind bud
thatsmylanguage (11:06:05 PM): get it straight from the grower
thatsmylanguage (11:06:16 PM): i hardly buy anymore, i trade him burned cds
thatsmylanguage (11:06:22 PM): like 10 cds for a quarter
thatsmylanguage (11:06:25 PM): its a sweet deal
thatsmylanguage (11:06:41 PM): id like to go back to lakenheath now with you and craig
thatsmylanguage (11:06:50 PM): and get fucking trashed for old times sake
municiplecourt (11:07:24 PM): yeah
thatsmylanguage (11:07:32 PM): liberty club
municiplecourt (11:07:33 PM):
thatsmylanguage (11:07:36 PM): thats what it was called
thatsmylanguage (11:07:39 PM): the liberty wing
thatsmylanguage (11:07:43 PM): how gay
thatsmylanguage (11:07:47 PM): dude i am so unamerican
thatsmylanguage (11:07:52 PM): how was i in the military?
municiplecourt (11:08:09 PM): because you were homeless and didn't have many options?
thatsmylanguage (11:08:17 PM): yeah
thatsmylanguage (11:08:24 PM): that pretty much narrows it down i guess haha
municiplecourt (11:08:53 PM): you've done pretty good since then
thatsmylanguage (11:08:59 PM): yeah
thatsmylanguage (11:09:04 PM): i mean you gotta do what you gotta do
thatsmylanguage (11:09:07 PM): as my dad puts it
thatsmylanguage (11:09:09 PM): YOU GOTTA EAT
municiplecourt (11:09:37 PM): I want Bailey's with TOM
municiplecourt (11:09:43 PM): while he gets high as a bat
thatsmylanguage (11:09:45 PM): come to cbus
thatsmylanguage (11:09:58 PM): come here and ill get you higher than hendrix on new years ever
thatsmylanguage (11:10:00 PM): eve*
municiplecourt (11:10:26 PM): haha
municiplecourt (11:10:30 PM): I just got a new ride
thatsmylanguage (11:10:34 PM): dude
thatsmylanguage (11:10:37 PM): two words
thatsmylanguage (11:10:43 PM): DESTINATION: OHIO
municiplecourt (11:10:51 PM): damn
municiplecourt (11:10:55 PM): if you would have said
municiplecourt (11:10:57 PM): Fuck me
municiplecourt (11:10:59 PM): I'd be gone
thatsmylanguage (11:11:10 PM): MAN
thatsmylanguage (11:11:14 PM): i gotta work on my wordplay
thatsmylanguage (11:11:43 PM): dude
thatsmylanguage (11:11:48 PM): andy cross introduced me to so much good music
municiplecourt (11:11:56 PM): really
thatsmylanguage (11:11:58 PM): yeah man
thatsmylanguage (11:12:00 PM): aesop rock
thatsmylanguage (11:12:03 PM): all that stuff man
municiplecourt (11:12:11 PM): you still listen to aesop?
thatsmylanguage (11:12:14 PM): not really
thatsmylanguage (11:12:37 PM): i listen to a lot of weird dj mixes where they mix justin timberlake over weird lcd soundsystem beats and outkast over franz ferdinan
thatsmylanguage (11:12:40 PM): and shit like lil wayne
thatsmylanguage (11:13:22 PM): a lot of bad radio rap
thatsmylanguage (11:13:23 PM): ect
municiplecourt (11:13:26 PM): I listen to the same shit as I used to
thatsmylanguage (11:13:36 PM): i get tired of music to easily i think
municiplecourt (11:13:39 PM): Eisley, Spine
thatsmylanguage (11:13:45 PM): i saw eisley inc oncert
municiplecourt (11:13:52 PM): sweeet
thatsmylanguage (11:13:52 PM): but got to drunk and left early
municiplecourt (11:13:55 PM): lol
thatsmylanguage (11:13:59 PM): in texas
thatsmylanguage (11:14:04 PM): my friend knew the bartender
thatsmylanguage (11:14:08 PM): and he got us fucked up
municiplecourt (11:14:58 PM): well atleast that part was good
thatsmylanguage (11:15:05 PM): yeah
thatsmylanguage (11:15:14 PM): dude i might buy a wii with my tax return
thatsmylanguage (11:16:24 PM): or maybe some more sneakers....
municiplecourt (11:16:24 PM): those look cool
municiplecourt (11:16:36 PM): you still got the shoes thing gonna on huh?
thatsmylanguage (11:16:39 PM): yeah
thatsmylanguage (11:16:42 PM): 4 years strong
municiplecourt (11:16:46 PM): send me some of those
municiplecourt (11:16:51 PM): I need some of that Tom style
thatsmylanguage (11:16:58 PM): i got osu colored dunks
thatsmylanguage (11:17:09 PM): to bad they would get the shit beat out of you in your state
municiplecourt (11:17:16 PM): yeah
municiplecourt (11:17:21 PM): my roommate would flip
thatsmylanguage (11:17:29 PM): people here are so into football
thatsmylanguage (11:17:33 PM): i dont really care for it
municiplecourt (11:17:46 PM): you were always into ballet
thatsmylanguage (11:17:54 PM): its true
municiplecourt (11:18:01 PM): seriously though
municiplecourt (11:18:14 PM): you always had mad better taste in clothes and style
thatsmylanguage (11:18:24 PM): yeah
thatsmylanguage (11:18:27 PM): i guess man
thatsmylanguage (11:18:32 PM): i just do what i do haha
municiplecourt (11:18:32 PM): you guess
municiplecourt (11:18:49 PM): yeah well, the proof is in the puddin
municiplecourt (11:18:55 PM): or something like that
municiplecourt (11:19:01 PM): brb need another smoke
thatsmylanguage (11:19:04 PM): word
municiplecourt (11:22:52 PM): yum yum
municiplecourt (11:23:17 PM): so if I hung out, and you got me high, what are the chances you make me breakfast
thatsmylanguage (11:23:23 PM): dude weird
municiplecourt (11:23:23 PM): like old school style
thatsmylanguage (11:23:40 PM): this morning i made annie breakfast and i was telling her i want to have all my friends over to make them a big country breakfast
municiplecourt (11:23:47 PM): I'm talking chow hall shit
thatsmylanguage (11:23:50 PM): yeah dude
thatsmylanguage (11:23:56 PM): this morning i made biscuits and gravyu
thatsmylanguage (11:23:59 PM): i know whats up
municiplecourt (11:24:22 PM): you know, Naomi was hot
thatsmylanguage (11:24:32 PM): i hated all those broads
thatsmylanguage (11:24:41 PM): empty, vapid human beings
municiplecourt (11:24:41 PM): only because they loved you
municiplecourt (11:24:55 PM): I never knew any of em
municiplecourt (11:25:02 PM): I just wanted to hump their legs
thatsmylanguage (11:25:18 PM): those girls had no personality
thatsmylanguage (11:25:30 PM): thier one goal in life was to get knocked up by some airmen
thatsmylanguage (11:25:35 PM): so they could get out
thatsmylanguage (11:25:39 PM): and be military wives
municiplecourt (11:25:49 PM): they said that to you?
thatsmylanguage (11:25:54 PM): it was evident
thatsmylanguage (11:26:03 PM): actions could write a book about words my friend
municiplecourt (11:26:14 PM): well said
thatsmylanguage (11:26:51 PM): well my lady is here
thatsmylanguage (11:26:59 PM): we will have to talk more frequently dude
thatsmylanguage (11:27:03 PM): ill holler at you soon
municiplecourt (11:27:17 PM): cool, if I don't answer it's b/c I'm not there, but I'll holler back
thatsmylanguage (11:27:22 PM): word
thatsmylanguage (11:27:24 PM): peace holmes
municiplecourt (11:27:29 PM): peace brotha
February 5th, 2007
11:14pm
Caroline’s Spine, Thin or Fat?
This weekend was seemingly long and unusually good. The clan of Teresa, Green, Jess, Jen and myself made the trip up to the “Machine Shop” in Flint. It was snowing and extremely shitty outside, but hey, a small price to pay for the privilege to see Jimmy and the gang rock out in Michigan. I know that X amount of people have to know about and like Spine in order for them to get gigs = me getting to see them live, but a lot of the people there irk the hell out of me. People are annoying in general so it’s no surprise that I would rather it just be my friends and I alone at the concerts. I can happily say that it wasn’t “super” crowded and the fact that most people don’t know/care about Spine is definitely part of the overall appeal.
My beliefs, while based partially on logic, are highly in tune with the not so uniform things in life. God is out, Aliens are in! I joined the military because it wasn’t a “normal” thing that kids my age did at the time. Whereas now joining the military and having spent time in the desert is pretty much standard. If someone tells me one of their friend is in Iraq or the Army or the Marines I think to myself, "I’m going to WalMart this week, I wonder if there are any sales?" I have completely desensitized myself to the plight of military members unless they are my friend, and even then I hold very little sympathy for them. Luckily I think Air Force members are still a smaller and more elite group than the "we’ll take anyone -graduated or drop-out- Army/Marines." Perhaps I’m bias, but the Air Force still holds that special mystique I long for in everything else life related (Side note: I still very much appreciate the fact that there are fucktards in all branches, including the Air Force).
Another thing about Spine would have to be the "Difference". I watch Aaron’s lips move to all the words of every song at a concert yet somehow I know the lyrics mean completely different things to both of us. No specific song can be chosen, no exact lyric isolated, it’s just how I feel. A lot of the songs have such deep meaning to me it really becomes more of a chore to explain all of the emotion that rises to the top.
Getting back to the things that are of the un-uniform kind, I should mention that my selection of friends is no exception to my rule. My friends have always stood somewhere outside the box of normality. Most everyone these days can be considered "outside the box" in someway or another… it’s actually popular in some cases, which annoys me in a put a cold barrel against my temple and pull the trigger way, but it is what it is. I have to believe that my friends are so far outside the box that we are not cool, outcasts maybe? Well that is how I used to feel anyway. The more I look around and examine the cast of characters of this science fiction fairy tale the more obvious our conformities stick out like a used condom on a eerily clean bathroom floor. No friend will I single out, nor do I count myself any differently than them in this matter. However, that does not stop these things from pricking the hell out of my fingers when I try to pick them up for a closer look. I don’t know what to do, if there is anything to be done or how to go about beginning to confront any of this. Differences have made us the same, our perceptions have made us aware of these changes, our intelligence lends us to think too greatly on what may not even hold any significance.
February 2nd, 2007
4:02pm
That hooker was on my speed-dial
All of the things I have written in attempts to understand how I feel, explain how I feel, where I’ve been, where I’m going... Everything in life is hard to varying degrees, even harder because we are pretty much human and do dumb human things: nbsp; Stalling, planning, pushing, hiding, feeling, blocking. I have to wonder if they have support groups for people like me. Awareness anonymous. I was going to put a little news paper article picture down there but the copy of Photoshop Teeza gave me is not on the working end of things. I see things that are not there, there is much that I can not possibly see, many people can see what I do not. I am on a level surpassed by none and above no one. I find myself in the center but completely outside. I can’t count on all my own fingers and toes how many things about friends and strangers I do not like… still I do nothing. I stick to the plan that has gotten me this far, I stay with what I know and let others deal with what they do not… They do not listen, I can not change the world, I will not try. A voice in the choir that does not wish to sing, I stand alone with everyone, nothing will I bring.
January 28th, 2007
1:00am
I Want To Slay The Dragon.
A stressful week of headaches and a pressure that mounts me like Keith Ledger on Jake Gyllenhaal. Motivation has officially left the building and no one has noticed save me. Motivation is really just a paperweight on the shelf of office supplies that no one cares about when pressure is involved. Pressure pushes you to that edge everyone imagines in their head, the place that doesn’t exist until everything is long since done. When there is 150 pounds per square inch of pressure in your face there are only two options, move or ride the wave.
School is of course the top, the bottom and the entirety of my priority list that may or may not exist. Without specifically mentioning any hour numbers of the work load I have this semester… I can say that if I do not catch up with my weekday homework on the weekend, it runs away into the bad place. You know, the bad place behind the red door that you want painted black? Yeah right behind there. Everything added up to the point where I could not spare enough time to see the three WI “Caroline’s Spine” shows. Not seeing the shows wasn’t what made my head feel deathly, having to tell Aaron that I didn’t think I should go is what slowly killed me. Everything is said, done and I’ve gotten a lot of things done with much to go.
My Calc and Speech are done, Zoology is progressing and Geology will find it’s happy place. Every good thing in life comes with a price, how much change is left in your pocket?
January 19th, 2007
2:26pm
Committed To Indecision
Writing two pages about a topic and coming to a state of zero conclusion is frustrating. Yesterday I burrowed into my word processor with the intent of taking firm position on drugs and ended up pissing out some incoherent baby babble. Who knows what to believe in this globalizing society, the information superhighway has become a prostitute of misinformation. The only position one can really take these days is one dependant on some sort of stretched faith, faith that your source isn’t playing the roll of a Russian hooker under a red light in Amsterdam. Thank God the scientific field lends me the opportunity to observe, question and test. With a microscope and some chemicals anything is possible! Fuck it, at least I have something to believe in that makes a little bit of sense to me.
Weaknesses are fine and commitment is most certainly one of the many chinks in my armor. Long term relationships don’t really work with me, living in one spot for an extended period of time sucks, politics are highly indiscernible, hell I can’t even pick a favored brand of cigarettes or choose decisively between Pepsi and Coke. It’s amazing to say that I even have one constant in my life other than my own wandering thoughts, but I do. For reasons unknown I make and keep friends that extend over the bridges of both time and space. My relationships with the Ex-girlfriends didn’t work out for one reason or another, but hey lets be vigorous best friends until the day one of us dies. I won’t commit to much other than friends and my other wise lack there of commitment.
With that being said, my goal now is to write less on topics of necessary position and more about things that make decisively little or no sense.
January 18th, 2007
11:24am
Are Drugs Like You?
Biff inspiring me to write about one topic is an aw inspiring event, now that it’s happening again we can assume it means something. Elizabeth’s naïve views on life often leave me wondering the difference between perspectives and realities. Is the world how I perceive it to be or is life closer to how Biff and many other people see it to be? With confidence just a little higher than the post cold war Berlin wall… I think it’s worth a look.
The question at hand is "Are all drugs bad?" This question stems from comments Biff made about "hating potheads" and "people who use illegal drugs are bad people." Writing about why Marijuana should be made legal would make feel more cliché than a seventeen year old girl having sex with her twenty-four year old boyfriend on prom night, so we’ll not go there. I have to ask myself respectively why smoking weed is both acceptable and unacceptable.
The first thought that comes to mind is the amount people in the United States that use Marijuana. Some could argue that since there is a large portion of the population that smokes Marijuana, there is acceptability in numbers. Can millions of people be wrong? Constantly. Millions of people have been involved in wars, that doesn’t mean they were a good idea. Millions of Americans believed that invading Iraq was the "correct" thing to do. Now the same amount of Americans believe we never should have gone into Iraq. I’m not here to say either is/was right or wrong… one thing is for sure; both can not be correct. "Popularity gives us the ability, not the responsibility" So that justification is out the window.
What about the quality of the people who use drugs? Some of the brightest minds in history have found ideas and relief in drugs. If our first president George Washington was a pothead, is it then alright for everyone else? Then again, people with extremely high IQs can still be pedophiles can’t they? I’m not saying George did drugs or liked little boys, but one can not justify the other. So I’m not sure quality of the person really works here either.
The other side of the argument starts with a legal issue. This really seems to be the weakest link of any drug argument if you are pro-drug use, when in reality lawfulness and our responsibility as citizens is one of the strongest arguments anyone can make about this topic. Never mind that cigarettes are more dangerous than marijuana, try not to think about alcohol as being an addictive drug either. What is the real difference between alcohol/cigarettes and Marijuana? Marijuana is illegal, that’s the difference. Laws are made by people voted in by the “majority”, and we’ve covered that already….. but does that mean all green bud smoking bitches are irresponsible and dangerous as the commercials and after school specials say they are? I’m not sure I can agree with that. Am I a better or worse person for having tried Shrooms, Ecstasy, Cocaine, Meth, and Marijuana? I’m just not sure.
I agree with laws and their purposes. History has shown us that people should not be aloud to decide for themselves what is good and what is not, hell the unpaid medical bills of deceased cancer patients tell us that much in the present. If the majority rules of fools and people should not be left to their own devices… what does that say about democracy? Possibly the lesser evil left on the table at this point in time.
I guess I can not say whether Biff is decidedly right or wrong. Trying to find an answer is like throwing rocks at the moon. Answers don’t concern me much anyway, it’s the conversation behind the belief that is fun. Unfortunately Elizabeth only bares words like -Because- and -stupid- in her arsenal of explanation.
January 12th, 2007
1:31pm
There is good and there is pastures
“To me destiny sounds like I didn't isolate myself from the world and work in Kuwait for 14 months to make the money for college... makes it sound like I don't work my ass off in school to get great grades... like these things just happen... they happened because I put myself out there and sacrifice everything for the things I want. None of this happened by accident, they happened because I willed them to be so. My success, my writing, my car, my guitar, my job, my loves, my loses, my failures and my friends… they are all mine.”
January 11th, 2007
11:25pm
Random Thought For The Day #1
The thought of death appeals me even less today than it did yesterday.
January 10th, 2007
4:01pm
Conversations with Red people
My roommate Aaron walked in almost immediately after finishing a majority of my Zoology reading I had to get done last night. He sat down in his long backed and cushioned comfortable black computer chair with his head a little lower than usual. He talked of waking up and lacking a purpose in life, citing the human-needs hierarchy in an attempt to explain his position. Which basically means that there is an order of “worries” and when you surpass one you are then faced with the next.
Survival
Security
Social Acceptance
Self-esteem
Self-Actualization
Aaron feels like he has reached the “Self-Actualization” point in his life and is not quite sure what to do with it. A Mathematician works on equations, a Scientist does experiments, writers write and painters paint. The question remains: What does an Aaron Krause do?
The longer the conversation lasted the more I began to understand his dilemma. With all of his ducks seemingly in order, he now has plenty of time for a clear mind that is prime for confusion. Some of the things I believe in as far as purpose and reasons for living go, didn’t truly occur to me until just after hearing myself say them. While attempting to relate with another person in conversation do we often find out the most about ourselves. That quote of the day I left on Monday "I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say." Is exactly the truth of how human communication works, remembering that it does in fact work both ways. Talking, typing, in-person or over-seas, most of the ideas I type out in the bleeding heart have absolutely no life until it is at that moment in which they come to my mind while I’m typing. In fact, a lot of the ideas that prelude my writing often never get written about at all!
In these moments of random Marty/Aaron Philosophy of life talk I began to understand that these conversations often mean more to me than to whomever it is I am speaking to. Whether it be Aaron, Brian, Jen, Teresa, or whoever, my advice, good or bad, is really about me exploring how I feel about their situation. They likely don’t ponder on my every breath, nor would I expect them to, yet at the same time I find myself reflecting on both sides of the melee for longer periods of time then I probably should. The need to point out that there are exceptions, that some of my advice is considered top shelf to some people. I cast no prizes nor ill will in either case. If anything I should really thank those who do engage me in conversation, especially those in need of help. You bring to me your peculiar and personally unique circumstances and ask for council. Most of these things involve what I might likely never have happen to me, that is what makes you so special. An eroded rock might thank the water for it’s smooth belly; In the same way I might thank you for keeping me well rounded.
I consider myself a source of life knowledge not because of everywhere I have been, but because of all of the stories I have lived and heard. That and the ability to say "I have no fucking clue dude" when I in fact have no fucking clue what you are talking about dude.
January 9th, 2007
7:17am
I’m a conformador also
Morning has no face, though she looks at me much too often. She expects me to be moving forward like a shark, like a shark with feet and on land. Red squiggly lines underneath every word I write and somehow I just don’t care. She is looking, they are looking, wanting to know how far I will walk before the ground caves in. When the ground caves in there will be no more walking. What can I do if there is no more walking? No more walking and always talking leads to never the fun when the truth is spun. No more moving and very little soothing, mostly because my feet are not grooving. Silence blinded the dog into thinking that the highway had no cars. The highway has cars… it always has cars… silly dog.
"You think you know, whats to come, what you are, you haven't even begun"
-Tara, Buffy season 4-
January 8th, 2007
4:58pm
Find me a reason
We find ourselves at the beginning of yet another college semester! This time last year was my first official college semester, and since then not much has really changed in my life. I go to class, I work at the bowling alley once a week and I spend more money than I should. Just think, after this semester I only have two years of school left before I get my Bachelor’s…. Where does time go!? Haha lol, rofl, lmao.
I’ll take my leave by leaving you with a quote of the day
"I don't necessarily agree with everything I say."
-Marshall McLuhan-
January 5th, 2007
4:58pm
Opposites Detract
There has been something I’ve been meaning to address for a few days now. Thirty minutes before work probably isn’t the best time to do it in but we’ll give her a whirl anyhow. It seems like the more I put potential topics aside for later, the more I never write about them….. and this is a good one. I think so anyway.
Early this week Mr. Krause, or Aaron, brought to my attention a website known as blasphemy challenge, or Blashpemy.
Anyway, to make a long story short and to get a lot of information into a short writing period I’ll just partially quote the website itself.
"You record a short message damning yourself to Hell, you upload it to YouTube, and then the Rational Response Squad will send you a free The God Who Wasn't There DVD."
At first glance this idea appealed to me for obvious reasons. Mostly because I tend to find myself having anti-religion stances on political and personal issues, this is not a secret. My stances are only obviously of that nature because of the ever apparent and always repetitious issues we are forced to deal with on a daily basis. Religion is everywhere and it’s opinions are forceful, but that does not mean I automatically agree with other side of the argument. I’m not a theist nor am I an atheist. Life is usually best if taken in the middle of the road. Traffic may be crazy, you might even get hit by one of their cars, but at least you maintain faith in yourself. I disagree with both extremes… hopefully you do too.
January 1st, 2007
3:17am
Welcome to the year 2007
We tiptoed across the annual December 31st line and now find ourselves in the year 2007. Resolutions are flying around like penguins flapping their wings in the ice parade; No matter how hard they try, none of them seem to make it off the ground. And that’s fine because New Year’s resolutions are really about us trying to be who we want to be. Yearly attempts at emulating that person in our dreams who has a perfect waistline, a full head of hair, great teeth, muscles, the whole shebang.
When we were younger each New Year’s day brought us closer to the independence we so desperately craved. It seemed like everyone else had a car, job and an endless list of friends to hang out with. Now that we are getting older, I like to call it the “downhill slide”, we taste a little more of our own mortality on our lover’s lips at midnight. The glass of champagne loses just enough flavor to seem like “it’s all in our heads.” I refuse to believe that the best years of my life are behind me, yet in the same breath I understand that most things will never be the same. So what now? My knees hurt, my fingers have tendonitis, I’m losing my hair, I’ve always had mostly fucked up teeth lol, but it’s all good. Whatever happens we play like we’ve got nothing to lose because, as Bob quoted to me, “We’ve only got one shot at this mother.”
My New Year’s resolutions are
