A Wild Ride - PART I

I had just turned 18 before the summer of 1967. It was the peak of the Hippie movement, at least for me in Dallas. My fears of turning into a zombied-out drug addict had become a reality along with an affinity for all things sensual. Black lights and incense, paisley and lava lamps were everywhere and, of course, "free" love. If anything could be sniffed, smoked, chewed, swallowed or injected, I didn't hesitate to try it. San Francisco was calling, Woodstock knocked only once, but I was too stoned to get to the highway.

We all traveled to the beat of Hendricks, Joplin, Morrison, The Who, Led Zeppelin, Dylan, the Beatles. It is now my theory that the Beatles were what kept most of us somewhat sane. "Love is all you need." sounded right on. But where was love? I couldn't find it even in the middle of a "Love In" and that started me on my quest for Truth and for true love.

Life was good. I was a flower child and, after 18 years of not fitting in anywhere, I finally did. There was the occassional nut-job, but I avoided them and drifted towards the cerebral. As John Lennon said, "It's all in your mind, you know." We all believed it and we believed we could do anything, even change America back to a democracy. That was our dream.

It was a few months and several drug-trips later when my thinking skewed. Confused and weakened by it all, my "wonderland" of drugs turned into a wanderland. Nothing was stable, everything was debatable. Everyone had a different "bag" and anyone could tell me their version of "the truth" and, having no standard to judge it by, I couldn't refute it.

But I need to give a bit more background because it all really began when, at the age of 17, I ended up in a home for pregnant teenagers. It was there that I met Beth. Beth was just too cool. She had long brown hair and dressed like a beatnik and came from Boston. Being in that situation unified us, but Beth and I were drawn to each other especially. I was drawn to her hipness and she was drawn to my comic relief. She was self-assured, but depressive. I was low on self-esteem, but upbeat. Thus, we hit it off and soon became best friends.

Even though living in that cosy home itself was wonderful, the stipulation was that we would sign an agreement to give our baby up for adoption. The home paid all the bills and we "paid" them back with our children. A very heart-rending, difficult thing to do, but I wanted my child to have a better life than I had, thus, we kissed good-bye on her 8th day of life.*

Once we got out of the home, Beth, whom I considered the coolest of the cool, gradually eased me into the drug scene. First with a joint, then not long afterwards, LSD. We did countless hallucinogens, but the biggest shock came months later when I saw her heating up something white in a teaspoon. I came nearer. "Do you know what this is?" she said with a sly smile. "This isn't just hallucinogens. This (significant pause) is narcotics." As if it was something to be respected and revered. As for me, I was horrified, but by that time the threads of my conscience were stripped.

Up to that point, Beth had been my spiritual guru, the yin to my yang, and here she was taking heroine! "Heroine??", I said, "Aren't we supposed to be on a journey? Aren't we looking for the truth?" She weakly explained her actions which made no sense to me, but few things did. I took the injection.

I knew right then that I needed to make a decision: keep following Beth or go the way I felt was true. I decided not to decide, but due to my indecision, circumstances began closing in on me.

We slept wherever we found a place to lay our heads. Usually in a dealers apartment or house. We drifted from one to the other. Trading our bodies for their dope. One particular evening I was unable to sleep. I got up and went into the kitchen where, to my surprise, there sat Beth. She was wrapped up in a blanket like an Indian, so I got a blanket and we got into one of our long, cosmic talks. Beth began to talk about her fears and doubts about life and death and me, being a simple soul, I said, "Well, what about God?" For me, He was the answer to everything. I still believed in Him, but then Beth, with her typical subtlety replied, "Well....I....you see, I don't really believe in God." I gasped. The shock hit me like a thunder-bolt and I thought for sure a real bolt would zoom in and hit her! But Beth just stared at me with those green, cat-like eyes. Again that same decision, the voice of conscience and ethics presented itself and I now had to choose. The truth or Beth? Again, I was confronted with a life-altering decision and I went for it. I thought to myself, "Maybe I don't believe in God either."

There was my decision and in that instant I physically felt God's presence leave me. Inwardly I remember thinking, "Free at last!" This was then accompanied by a "good" feeling that I no longer had to feel bad about making wrong decisions. God wasn't going to tell me anything anymore.

Not long afterwards, Beth and I were sleeping at our favorite drug-dealers place when the police crashed through the door. After a week in jail I found myself on 5 years probation and with a 5000 dollar bail-fee to pay my crooked lawyer. I thought to myself, "Hey, Where's the fun now? Where's the enlightenment that I thought all of this searching was going to bring me?" I had no enlightenment. I had nothing. I had dragged myself across this long, hot desert, believing that the mirage of "Love and Peace" would quench my thirst; the phantom happiness that always seemed just out of reach. But after months and months of chasing it I was tired and I began to believe that the love I'd always hoped to find was just a mirage.

I then underwent a total personality change. I went from being a fun-loving, cheerful person, to a depressed, withdrawn wretch. I withdrew so deeply within myself that even my drug addicted friends started wondering about me. I knew it was no use to try and talk to them while they were still caught up in their games and their own selves. And so, I withdrew further.

"Nothing is real." - The Beatles

I felt as if I'd been launched into outer space without a space-ship, just a thin suit and a rope. I drifted, turned, floated. Upside down, backwards, directionless. Even my vision was affected. People around me retreated into the background and became like wallpaper. The sounds of their voices were faint in my ears. I felt as if I were looking at the world through the wrong side of the binoculars as they all looked far away. My body seemed like a machine that conveyed me from one place to the other. Meaningless words reverberated around me as the boredom bore down until a feeling of intense and unshakeable sorrow began to envelop me like a suffocating fog.

In desperation one evening, I called Beth. When she answered the phone I groaned out, "Beth. ...Oh, Beth! I've just got to talk to somebody." I felt that if anyone could understand me, Beth could, but her cold reply crushed me, "Why don't you just find some other friends?" I hung up the phone. There weren't any "other friends".

It was midnight as I walked numbly to the park where we had romped about in our more innocent days. In spite of everything there was still one last ember of hope, "If there is a God, he's going to have to find me, because I...give...up."

My family had failed me, my friends failed me, drugs failed me, I had failed myself. Sex, meditating, religion; none of it worked. Work didn't work.

With nowhere to turn I sat down on the steps of the park gazebo and thought to myself, "I'm going to sit here till I die." Without love, everything was meaningless.

By 3 a.m. I was still sitting there while the usual park freaks scampered about playing their drugged-out mind games. Suddenly, a very strange sight came into view. Out of the darkness a group of people approached the lighted pavillion where I was sitting. As I focused on their "establishment" attire I thought, "Oh, no! Not the Baptists!" In disgust I put my head on my knees hoping they'd give up and leave. In response to this unusual "visit", about 20 of the hippies gathered around.

"We're not with a church." one of them said. My head shot up in surprise, "Not with a church?" I thought, "Then," I concluded,"they've gotta be a bunch of pranksters or they're all crazy." I put my head back down. As I'd expected, they began to speak about God and about miracles. I wanted nothing to do with it.

As I glared at them I noticed that they were a mixture of all ages and races. 12 year olds,teenagers, middle aged men, a man from Argentina. I was convinced, "These guys are nuts!" But I realized after awhile that they couldn't ALL be crazy. Not the kids too. And if they were playing a joke, they could come on Sunday with the rest of the clowns & church freaks.

A teenaged girl came forward, not at all the type I would have listened to, and started saying, "I didn't believe in God either..." She was interrupted by some of the hippies who started mocking. Then she continued, "...but I told him to show me he was real and he did." She explained the miracle that happened to her and I couldnt deny the deep sincerity and the pain in her eyes to help us understand.

After a few minutes I began to notice off to the corner an older man who seemed to be instructing these younger ones. Whenever a trick question was posed, he would just honestly say, "We don't know." or give some other simple answer. His simplicity surprised me. I remember thinking, "Hey, they aren't pretending to know everything." I could see that they genuinely cared about us. That they weren't judging us.

I was so touched by their concern and humility that I finally went over to the man and started asking him questions. Two others joined us and he began to tell us of his own experiences.

"God told me to quit my job, take my kids out of school and just travel around and tell everybody about Him and trust Him to supply for us." He then told of the miraculous ways God provided for them, prefaced by one statement that spoke loudly to me, "God spoke to me, and when I told my wife she thought I was crazy." Suddenly I felt a connection with this man. I thought, "Everybody thinks I'm crazy, too!"

He told how God took care of them, supplying gas for the car, places to stay, food, and on and on. Suddenly I felt something I hadn't felt in a long time. I felt a deep hope. I felt connected. My heart began to lift as inwardly I thought, "This is the kind of God that I always thought God should be. A God who talks to us. A God who takes care of us."

After sitting on the grass & listening for several minutes waiting for the punch line, I finally said in desperation, "Well, man, how did you find Jesus?" I didn't know if there had ever been any such person and I had tried everything and every way I could think of to find Him.

He stopped and said, "All I did was pray, 'Jesus come into my heart. Forgive my sins and give me eternal life.'"

As these words came out of his mouth, my heart leaped! The power of it almost knocked me flat, but fear of being dragged off to a church kept me from showing it outwardly.

As I left the park, all I could think was, "I've got to try this. I've tried everything else." "This is my last hope." "God, I hope this works."

I walked quickly down the darkened streets, alone, with no fear only a cacaphony of voices screaming in my head, "NO! NO! Don't do THAT!! Don't pray that prayer! How stupid! It's so uncool to talk to Jesus!"

Up until this point, when I would even think the name "Jesus" it sounded so corny and sickening. All the old associations with phonies I had met, hypocrites who criticized me for not going to their church. Or pictures of unjust things that I could not imagine a just God allowing.

Demons flew against me,"NO! NO! DON'T PRAY THAT! DON'T PRAY THAT!" "You don't want to pray to Jesus!" The voices were so strong that I said out loud, "I've GOT to try this! It's my only hope!"

Waves of doubt and fear attacked my mind and heart! "What would your friends think? What if they could see you?" These arguments were weak, I didn't care at all what my so-called friends thought. Finally I said, "Look devil, I'm the only one who sees how stupid I am. I'm gonna DO this!"

As I made this firm and final decision, the voices immediately stopped. Total silence.

I was now home and it was 4 a.m. My brothers and sisters were sleeping as I knelt in prayer on the living room carpet. It had been a very long time since I had last prayed and I thought this was the best position to start from. I took a deep breath thinking, "If Jesus is real, the sky will open up, the angels will come down and take me out of here far away from this horrible world." I hated my life. I hated the world and my greatest desire was to know spiritual truth and love. To know that my life, my existence had a meaning and a purpose.

I looked up, took a shakey breath and from the deepest part of my heart I prayed, "Jesus, if you're real and if what that man says is true, then please come into my heart, forgive my sins and give me eternal life." I had no idea what any of that meant, but it was my last hope.

I waited and there was silence. No explosion, no sky rolling back, no manifestations, no angels, nothing! I waited a few more minutes, and as I was getting up, a doubtful voice said, "Maybe he didn't come in." But it was immediately followed by a hopeful voice, "Maybe he did." I thought "Hmm, maybe he did." And I left it at that.

Two days later I was struck by the realization that I was peaceful. That had never happened to me. Before this I was never peaceful. Ever. I was so nervous that I chewed all of my fingernails till they bled and when I had nothing left to chew, I'd chew my knuckles till they bled. Having this unusual peace come over me was most remarkable. All the fears I was fearing had left me. I sailed on a calm sea.

MY STORY PART II The following evening, I went out with a guy, Joe, that I hadn't seen in a long time. He took me to his friends apartment where they were having some kind of a party. This second floor apartment overlooked a swimming pool and after a few minutes of listening to meaningless conversation, I went out to stare at the pool. The shimmering lights under the water attracted me and I was imagining it as a sort of "crystal ball" still attempting to use the old failed methods of trying to transcend myself somehow into heaven. After a few minutes I became bored. Then, like a light going on in my head, I remembered that the man had given me something to read.

I reached into my back pocket and pulled out this very church-oriented pamphlet. God must have "blinded" my hippy eyes from seeing the picture on the front. A man wearing a suit and tie, holding hands with a woman and child. Looking like a scene from "Pleasantville", the picture screamed, "Establishment!" "Church!" It typified everything I was against, but something compelled me to turn the page and start reading.

It was dull at first, but I kept reading. It wasn't until I came to the words at the bottom of the second page that a change took place. The words that were written there were more than words. As though powered by a nuclear reactor, the Bible verses that were now before me shot off the page! "FOR.......GOD.......SO.......LOVED.......THE.......WORLD...", I shook as each word took me to a depth of my soul I never knew existed. Not just tangibly, but visually! Each word was blazing as if each were connected to a bolt of lightening that struck me with each enunciation! "...That HE gave His only begotten Son....."

My entire being was lifted up by this incredibly beautiful light that now enveloped me. A warm, deep, unshakeable comfort surrounded me. Words such as Comfort, peace, light, are totally inadequate to describe the experience. But most wonderful of all was that underscoring this amazing experience was a deep awareness that I was dearly loved and adored. The feeling that nothing would ever hurt me again flowed into my very being and every doubt I had was gone.

Out of amazement, I leaped up, ran into the apartment and was jumping up and down waving the pamphlet. I must have looked like a Pentecostal gone stark-raving mad, I gasped out, shoving the tract under their noses, "You gotta read this! You gotta read this!"

A girl sitting on the floor with her boyfriend took it, started to read, but then said curling her lip in disgust, "I think it's kinda funky." Then the boy said, "Oh, you mean the bottom of the second page where the Bible verse begins." I gasped, "Yes! Yes!", but when I saw he wasn't as excited as I was, I took it back and started to read again. Once again, the words exploded from the page knocking me backwards directly into their holy of holies stereo. I heard the needle go "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzut!" across the record and a girl howled, "Hey, man, get this chick outta here! She way uncool!"

In a stoned stupor, my friend Joe took me by the hand and lead me outside. We sat down on the balcony together and I shoved the pamphlet into his hand saying, "Read this!", but Joe, couldn't read anything. He was "gone". I didn't care, I pulled the pamphlet out of his fingers and started to read again. But unbeknownst to me, my eyes had travelled away from the lines of Biblical verse back on to the words of humans. The words were no longer alive. They didn't explode with love anymore.

I was suddenly gripped with fear thinking, "The words aren't moving!" I was horrified. Somehow I'd had it, all the truth and nothing but the truth, and now the Light I'd been searching for all of my life was gone. Overwhelmed with dispair, I threw the booklet over my shoulder, put my head down on the iron-railing of the and said in my heart, "I give up."

Instantly I lifted off and out of my body. As I tried to focus my vision, it appeared that I'd entered some kind of grey bubble and I heard my voice telling God all that was in my heart, "Well, I've tried to be good. I've tried to find out what the truth is and to find love and to help others." Etc etc. When my heart was emptied out, the grey bubble burst open and a light with the brightness of a million suns shone all around me!

I looked up towards the source of the Light and what then took place can never be described in words. But I can only use weak adjectives to say that I was looking directly into the most beautiful face I'd ever seen. It was not exactly physical, it was more real than the physical world and this is impossible to explain. At the same time I was aware of my self. It was like I could see myself as if I were the size of a baby! When I realized what I was sitting on, the size of this being became crystal clear as I saw that He held me lovingly in his hand. Looking once again into his eyes, I felt 100% pure love, the same feeling I had as those words bombarded me off of that page and all I could say was, "God, you're beautiful. I love you!" "God, you're beautiful. I love you!" "God, you're beautiful. I love you!" Over and over and over. As if I couldn't say it enough for the joy I was experiencing in His presence.

Each time I would say this, He would answer, "I love you, too." But with a depth of sincerity that I'd never experienced. As if He would never tire of telling me and never tire of hearing me. As often as I needed it, that's as often as He would repeat it. His words didn't come as a shout, but as if inside of my heart. At the same time I could see them coming. They had the appearance as of when you see a gasoline explosion; a rolling fire, but with a bright and unbelievably beautiful white light. It was all the colors of the spectrum, but nothing was dark. More like golden.

He then changed the scene and turned me towards a sort of wall which seemed to be about 20 feet away. Although, time and distance didn't seem to matter and everything was sort of interwoven. As I watched, His other hand slid the wall to one side and as the wall was moved, I became aware of a sound. As more of the wall slid away, the sound became louder sounding like a giant bee hive buzzing with millions of bees. At that moment a voice whisphered in my ear, "That's the world." My eyes widened and I began to see more clearly. As I focused, I felt as if I was being fine-tuned both the visual as well as the audio. What I had heard as bees was clarified into their individual voices. As the sound fine-tune, the hectic swarm in front of my eyes came into focus and individual beings could be distinguished each one screaming, as though insane or in some kind of mental anquish. The appearance of these spirits was awful, but I felt no fear. Though it is a disgusting description, each spirit looked like human dung!

As I watched, a peculiar thing happened. One of these spirits was released and began floating towards me. Sort of like a fish in water. I was curious as it came towards my chest and then entered my solar plexis. Instantly, my thoughts were filled with a terrible and vile scene. Awful, filthy pornography followed immediately by a screaming, accusing voice, "LOOK WHAT YOU'RE THINKING RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF GOD HIMSELF!!!!" I was filled with terror and turned toward God expecting instant annihilation. I began apologizing to profusely, terrified and telling God I didn't mean to think that and so on.

I faced the direction where I'd previously seen his beautiful face, but there was only a dark looking thunder cloud where the warm light had been. My anguished heart poured forth apologies, while at the same time feeling it was all hopeless. Then, cutting through the fear and remorse, I heard s calm, reassuring voice. It was kind, loving, understanding, healing. With each wonderful word, the dark cloud brightened as clouds do when the wind blows them away.

Finally, and this is the only sentence I remember from that long, comforting talk, I heard Him say, "Do not worry. All is good." Exactly those words. With that last word "...good", I fell back as if in a dead sleep. Maybe similar to what a baby feels in it's mother's womb. Not a care, not a worry, no thoughts, everything taken care of then.... Whoosh!....immediately He pulled me up and I was facing that same wall of confined spirits. Once again, He allowed a spirit to approach me and the whole process repeated itself. Filthy thought, fear, confusion, condemnation, the cloud, His voice, a feeling of lightness, that same statement, "Do not worry. All is good." and then again, I fell into a deep sleep.

Suddenly I was back in my body and lifting my head up off my arm that I'd laid it on. Joe was still sitting there, caught in time and looking as stoned as ever. "When I asked him if he'd seen what I saw, his reply made it obvious that I, alone, had been given a special showing. I looked up and questioned in my mind, then to my immense pleasure, I heard God's voice, "It doesn't matter. He'll learn later." I was elated! "Wow! I can still hear Him!" So, I began to think of things to ask him. Things I always wanted to know about.

With each question, He would answer. Then I'd throw out another then another, then another. I was firing questions like bullets from a machine gun as the answers fired back. Then, to my shock, I become aware that He'd stopped answering! I got quiet and listened. Calm and reassuring, He said, "Those things are not important." So I thought on what might be significant and said, "Will I ever find someone who loves me and that I'll love,too." "Yes." was the definite reply. I was satisfied. I trusted this voice. I knew it was telling me the truth. I fired another question. He answered; then another, and another in rapid succession till, again, I realized He'd stopped answering. I tuned in, He replied, "That's not important." All this time I was being lead around by Joe and another guy who wasn't as stoned as we were, but all the while it was as if I barely touched the ground. I would see people on the street in certain situations and ask God about it, He would answer & explain. Then in the midst of my euphoria a fear struck me, "Yeah. You're all happy now, but you've got this awful disease!" It seemed true. I had been afraid to go to the doctors for fear of what they might tell me. A terrible discharge from having sex with more people than I could count, many that I barely knew. "Free love" had a price.

As soon as this fear hit me, I immediately looked up in the direction of the Voice, "God will I..." before I could finish my question, he replied, "Yes." And instantly, the disease left my body and never returned. I knew He had healed me. Five days later, I decided that all I wanted to do was serve the Lord. I began to think of how I could get to heaven to do so. That afternoon I was crossing the street when a van ran the red light and nearly ran over me! A girl jumped out with a tract in her hand and ran up to me. "Do you believe in Jesus?" They were a van full of hippie Christians. Within minutes they explained Jesus' Words to me and showed me how to serve the Lord on earth. "Go ye into all the world and preach the Gospel to every creature." I have done so ever since, and now, nearly 35 years later, I can hardly wait to see Him face to face again.