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Chapter 1. Last Cheerful night.
I walked cheerily into the muggle pub, James at my side. Remus and Peter were leaning on the bar, some shots in front of them, though obviously untouched. I grinned, a warmth spreading through me as we stepped out from the bitter cold of the evening autumn air into the glow of the small pub near James’s house. I felt happy and upbeat at being with my friends. But also a glum ignored fear spread through my body like ice, freezing over my true feelings about the months, maybe years coming. James couldn’t run with his family anymore. Voldemort had cornered us, everywhere we turned he seemed to be waiting and ready to do what he came to accomplish.
It was only after three years of running that Dumbledore had finally mentioned the Fidelius Charm. Of course Dumbledore offered to be secret keeper but I insisted I did it. I would die for James and he for me before either one of us gave up to Voldemort. All the plans had been made. We would perform the charm tomorrow night. Tonight was our last night as the four of us, we would always go out for a drink on a Friday night in the local pub and tonight would be no different. After being chased around England for almost three years we were finally back at Godrics Hollow, much to Lily’s relief. Being pregnant on the run, she told us many times, was not at all fun. And now she had baby Harry to look after. We had had a rushed baptism for the small baby (In which I had been named Godfather to him) in a small town on the boarder of Scotland before apparating to Plymouth to throw Voldemort off our tail.
James had told us many times we should go and live our own lives and let them run but nothing he could say would make us leave his side. James and Lily had both given up their jobs at the Ministry only four years after they had gained them. They had both entered the Ministry straight after Hogwarts but when they found out Voldemort was after them they fled, leaving their jobs instantly.
Lily was now back at the house with the little rugrat. (As I called him.) He made me laugh; he was like James in every way even though he was only just over a year old. The excitement in his eyes, the way he could fool his mother into thinking something was wrong then he would go crawling around the room, trying to find something to play with. But that was no use dwelling on now, it would all be gone soon.
Tonight would be the last time I saw any of that. Any of that happiness I knew when I was with my friends and their family. I was to perform the charm, making myself their secret keeper and then run, run as far away as possible. I had already decided I was going to America. Living there for a while disguised as a muggle though listening for any news that Voldemort was gone. Though I was looking forward to moving to America in some small way, the thought that I would never see the closest people to me again was haunting me at every waking and sleeping moment. My nights were filled with nightmares of Voldemort finding me and torturing me to find where the Potter’s lay. I knew I would never break, even Voldemort knows it but still he tortures me, endlessly for the secret I will never tell.
I smelled the warm pub air. A strong drift of liquor and cigarette smoke drew into me. A warm welcoming smell, as I tasted the air on my lips. My friends now all stood at the bar, talking absently, ignoring the impending doom that surrounded the next day. Acting like this was a normal Friday night, that we would all get drunk beyond all recognition, James would go home and be yelled at by Lily for coming home legless and Remus, Peter and I would go back to the apartment we owned in the town near by. We preferred muggle pubs to the wizarding ones. The wizard pubs never seemed happy enough for us to have a good time. The worry and pain Voldemort had caused destroyed the usual atmosphere of a pub. Instead of happy drunks dancing, singing out of tune at the top of their lungs and acting like happy drunks do, there were only depressed wizards, trying to drown their sorrows in the bottom of the empty ale tankard.
The plan for the night was to go to the local muggle pub for a few drinks before going into town to find some fun on our last night. Lily had highly objected to this plan. She was certain that we would run into Voldemort and get ourselves killed but we persuaded her that we needed one last wild night out before the Fidelius charm was performed. After an hour of begging and persuading from James she finally decided to let us go, only she told us that if we let James do anything stupid Voldemort wouldn’t have a mission to accomplish. Of course we agreed but Peter, Remus and I were never going to let James go out on his last night without doing ‘something’ stupid.
I leaned on the bar between James and Remus. Peter sat on a barstool and leaned forward on his elbow, a puzzled look on his face that I couldn’t make out. I stared into his unfocused eyes. He was gazing into space, obviously thinking about something but I couldn’t work out what it was. Deciding it was nothing I went back to enjoying myself. I smiled as James told some joke with a non-existent punch line. All his jokes were the same.
“Ready for some fun?” Remus asked. A broad grin spread on his cut face. I grinned cheekily back at him. I knew we were all still eighteen years old at heart, sneaking into Hogsmead and into the cellar of the Three Broomsticks to get some ale. We always left a thank you note to Madam Rosemerta along with the money for the alcohol we took. We would have walked straight in and asked for some, we were eighteen after all, but we knew the news would travel back to the school and we would get in more trouble than we could imagine for sneaking out while Voldemort was at large.
“Fill me up.” I replied. Remus called the bartender for a bottle of tequila and we started pulling slammers. Soon enough Peter was completely legless; he never could hold his drink. James, Remus and I continued until we had consumed the whole bottle and we were all rather drunk. Suddenly James’s jokes, even more stupid and pointless than usual seemed extremely funny.
“Ok, Ok, I got one.” Remus stammered. “A man walks into a bar…” Remus slammed a hand on the bar a lot harder than he should have. “Ouch.”
James, Peter and I burst out laughing, Remus looked at us with a bemused statement. He didn’t understand that he had actually ended a joke without knowing it. His drunken eyes filled with confusion for a second as he retraced the joke out loud.
“A man walks into a bar…” He said back to himself. “Ouch. I don’t get it.”
“Walk into the bar Remus!” James managed to tell him through laughs.
“Why?” Remus asked, the bemused statement still not vanishing from his face.
“Just do it.” I chimed in.
Remus stood up; his legs rather shaky form the alcohol. He took a few drunken paced away from the bar, turned around and walked into it at full speed. He fell backwards, his eyes closed in pain and he looked like he was about to black out. James, Peter and I leaned over; nearly falling off the stool’s ourselves, and stared down at Remus with drunken worry. Remus lay still for a moment, then opened his eyes and looked up at us.
“Walked into a bar… ouch. I get it.” Suddenly his laughs erupted from his mouth, getting down shakily from my stool, almost falling over myself, I helped Remus back up onto his stool.
“On, on I think!” James exclaimed after we had all finished laughing.
“Yes, on with the quest as Sir Cadogan would say.” I joined.
“Brilliant idea.” Remus commented. “No more bars please. Especially metal ones.” He added making us all start laughing again. As I said things that are usually crap jokes are extremely funny when people are drunk.
“Yes” Peter squeaked.
We stumbled out into the bitter cold; all leaning on one another for support though none was stable enough to be leant on. But somehow we reached the thing muggles called a car park. Leaning on a brick wall we gathered the sanity left in our alcohol soaked brains.
I pulled myself to standing and helped the others do the same.
“I think we’d better group apparate.” I mumbled. “We’ll lose each other otherwise.”
“Yeah, for once Sirius has a non lethal idea.” James replied causing us to laugh again. It took us a few moments to compose ourselves but when we did we al pulled out our wands and pushed the tips together. Each of us gripped his wand tightly and we apparated to the nearest muggle city, which happened to be Birmingham.
“Right where now?” Peter squeaked.
“Night club.” I answered.
“Sirius, we are twenty five. Not twenty one.” James replied. “I don’t go to night clubs. I have a son.” James’ eyes widened and he grabbed his wallet; he pulled out a moving picture of Lily and Harry. “Have you seen my son?” He asked me like we’d met a few moments ago for the first time. I grinned and laughed.
“Yes, I have seen your son you idiot.” I replied.
“Oh,” James answered. “That’s good.”
“So where are we going?” Remus asked a few minutes later.
“Bar somewhere.” I replied lazily.
The alcohol was moving into the next stage and I was beginning to feel tired. I grabbed onto James’ shoulder and the four of us began to walk down the street towards the nearest Bar. Soon we found a large bar that looked very interesting and we went inside. The mahogany wood on the walls shone a deep, dark red. A young brunette woman in her early twenties was behind the bar along with an old sour-looking man. The four of us felt our way up to the bar, holding on to tables, chairs and sometimes people who looked at us like we were a contagious disease. Finally we reached the bar. We sat on the stools and leaned heavily on the bar. Peter looked on absently, staring at the liquor bottles lined up on the shelf. The man passed us a few times but we didn’t want to speak to him. I watched as Remus stared blankly at the young waitress. It was completely obvious to everyone around us that he thought she was attractive. But I suppose that he didn’t realise his eyes were popping out of the sockets because he was out of his mind due to the large amounts of hard liquor we had consumed. I looked over at the young waitress, she looked a little younger than us, maybe twenty one or twenty two but I couldn’t tell if my assumptions were correct because I didn’t really trust my eye site at this moment. I watched out of the corner of my eye as the girl served a few more customers before holding out my hand.
“Waitress.” I called, my voice wavering on different keys as I spoke.
“Yes, sir. What would you like?” She replied. Her voice held a firm note but a soft tone as she walked over and leaned on the bar in front of us.
“Umm…” I thought for a moment. “I don’t know.” I replied sheepishly.
“You’ve come from another bar haven’t you?” She replied, a smile flickering across her face.
“Of course not.” James replied sarcastically. “We are alcoholics and we came to the bar to sober up.” At this Remus coughed with laugher and promptly fell off his stool.
“Don’t mind moony, he can’t handle his drink.”
“I can too.” Remus yelled from the floor.
“Fine, fine, you just keep believing that.” James said out of the corner of his mouth so only Peter, the waitress and I could hear him. It took Remus a while to stand up again but when he did he seemed a lot more sober than he did than before he had fallen to the floor. I took it upon myself to remedy that fact.
“Umm, four large…” I tried to think of a strong drink that wasn’t straight liquor. “Umm…”
“Here try this.” The waitress suggested. She opened some bottles and poured something into four glasses. She handed us the drinks and put the bottle on the table.
“What is it?” Peter asked suspiciously.
“It’s rum and coke, only I kind of tripled the amount of rum.” The waitress grinned a cheeky grin before walking off to serve a different customer.
“On the count of three.” James said picking up his glass.
“Ok.” Remus replied, gripping his own glass in his scarred left hand. Remus had been through a lot in his life; being a werewolf and all. It was now the middle of the lunar cycle so he had fully recovered from his last transformation and it was about two weeks until his next but he had acquired a few scars over the years.
I picked up my glass as did Peter. We each covered the top of our glass with our free hand. The four of us loved doing shots; we thought it more fun than beer and ale like the other wizards usually drank so any hard liquor drink we drank like it was a shot.
“Ready?” Peter asked.
“Go!” James replied.
“One…two…three” As we counted we banged the glasses on the bar then as soon as we said three we brought the glasses us and downed as much as we could from the glass. The rum burnt my throat as I swallowed it as if I was swallowing liquid fire but I kept drinking. Finally I felt the last drops of liquid pass my lips and I slammed the glass back on the bar. Swallowing the last of the fire I opened my mouth and stuck out my tongue. I was sure that everyone around me could see my tonsils as I tried to get air into my mouth to cool it down. Remus and James had finished their drinks like I had but Peter was only half way through but he was still gulping small amounts. James, Remus and I began banging our fists on the table, urging Peter on and finally he finished his drink.
“WOOOOOO.” I yelled sounding a lot more like my dog form than I would of liked.
The night carried on like that. Us drowning our fears, worries and pain that was coming with the sunrise. We drank more and more; the waitress grew hotter and hotter as alcohol soaked my sponge like brain. I don’t remember a lot more from that night, only that I felt like lead weights in my feet as we walked to a safe place to apparate from. We apparated straight to the front door of Godric’s Hollow, standing shivering on James’s front doorstep we said our goodbyes. Remus left first. He was about to throw up and he didn’t feel like going into the house to do it. He apparated quickly after nodding reassuringly and hugging one of his best friends goodbye. Peter then left, he said he needed to go and check Remus was ok but James and I both knew that he knew we wanted a minute alone.
“I’m going to miss you Padfoot.” James sighed as he leant silently on his front door.
“Ditto.” I replied. James knew I was never good at goodbyes. We stood in silence for a moment before James said something that would change history.
“I wish you didn’t have to be the secret keeper.” He whispered. We knew that there had been a spy, someone close to us. I had my suspicions but I had never aired that I thought Remus might be a spy. I couldn’t bring myself to admit the thoughts I had that one of my closest friends would turn against us.
“What do you mean?” I asked innocently. It was weird but the alcohol seemed to vanish as our conversation turned to a serious note, as did James’s.
“You know Dumbledore could do it.” James commented. We had this conversation a thousand times.
“I know. But I would feel safest knowing I was the one who knew where you were. The only one.” I replied.
“But Voldemort will know it is you. It is obvious. You are the one I trust most in the world, I know you would die for me before betray me.” James explained.
It was hard to admit it but he was right. The first person Voldemort would go for would be me. We stood in silence as I tried to think of a way to throw Voldemort off the scent. I felt terrible about admitting it to myself but I didn’t trust Remus enough to let it be he, the only person left was…
“Peter.” I said quietly.
“What?” James replied. Thoughts began reeling in my mind. It was obvious. Peter, Voldemort would never suspect we would use him. Everyone knew he was the weakest in the group, it was perfect.
“Peter, James. Voldemort would never suspect it.”
“No, Voldemort would work it out.” James replied.
“Not if we took Peter into hiding. Peter, Remus and I would go into hiding. Voldemort would suspect it was me we were trying to protect but it would be Peter. Think about it Prongs. Who is the last person you would think of to be able to perform this charm.”
James thought for a moment then smiled.
“Peter.” He grinned.
“Exactly. If he can’t do it then we’ll use me. But please trust me old friend.” I assured him.
James nodded in agreement.
“We can’t tell anybody. Not Dumbledore, not even Remus.” I warned.
“Yes, it is safest if nobody knows.” James agreed.
I smiled at my friend. This would be the last time I would see him in god knows how long. I had gone three years seeing him every day and now I wouldn’t see him at all. I would never know how he was or how little Harry was growing. I could never get in contact with him. I could feel the tears welled up in my eyes as I looked at my best friend in the world. I extended my hand, which James shook lightly but the grip didn’t end. We just stood, our hands gripped together as we stared at the floor. Finally I gave up my pride and hugged my friend. He patted me on the back.
“I’ll miss you Prongs.” I said finally pulling away.
“Me too Padfoot.” James replied. I walked down the path, down to the old, white, waist high gate. As I gripped the top the white paint flaked off in my hand. Turning around I took one last look at Godric’s Hollow. James leaned back on his door, his hands stuffed in his pockets. I could no longer see the features on his face, only a faint outline of his messy black hair on top of his pale face. I stared for a second then let go of the gate.
“Goodbye.” I whispered and disappeared into the darkness.
The Search and the Ending.
When I arrived back at the apartment Remus and Peter were already crashed out. I crept into Peter’s room and shut the door. Sitting on the bed I shook Peter awake.
“What? What’s wrong?” He asked sleepily.
“Peter, this is very serious.” I started. I gulped down the nervousness in my throat. I was about to sign over my best friend’s life to Peter. “Peter, we want you to be the secret keeper.”
“Why?” Peter asked. His voice sounded sincere but there was something in his eye that made me feel that I had made a terrible mistake. ‘Shut up Sirius, you’re just making something out of thin air’ I scolded myself.
“Well, Voldemort would be sure it was me who was the secret keeper.” I explained.
“I see.” Peter replied. “Why not Remus?”
“I don’t know.” I lied. “We just thought of you.”
“Oh.”
“Well, do you want to do it?” I asked.
“Yes, oh yes of course.” Peter answered nodding his head frantically, almost like a maniac.
“Good. You will go to James’s tomorrow.” I exclaimed. “Oh and Peter, no one is to know we switched. Not even Remus. It is to be a complete secret.” I told him.
“Sure.” Peter replied.
“Good, I’ll see you back here tomorrow. I am going out. I can’t stay here.” I commented. I got up and strode from the room.
I apparated from the living room to London. I missed London dearly. It was my first home. I had lived here before I had gone to Hogwarts. I still missed my parents sometimes. It was strange without them. I hated Voldemort more than life itself for taking them away from me. Striding along the riverside I watched the murky river water flow past me. In the end I ended up on London Bridge. It was rather strange being there. I had stayed away from this place for so long. My father used to bring me here when I was a small child to watch the ducks on the river. There weren’t that many ducks anymore. I leaned on the stone side of the bridge, searching for a shred of hope in the flowing water but found none. Deciding I couldn’t dwell on the past I decided to go back to a bar; at least I could drown my sorrows there.
Entering a dank muggle pub I sat down at the bar and ordered a beer. I couldn’t be bothered with hard drinks right now. The bartender brought it quickly but I didn’t drink it. I only sat, running my finger around the rim; occasionally some foam sticking to my finger as it moved around and around the top of the glass. I sat in that pub the entire night. Luckily this was an all night one. You didn’t find many but it was usually the darkest pubs that were. Another drop of Alcohol never passed my lips that night. The same beer sat in front of me the entire evening until it was completely flat, me still running my finger absently around the rim.
I walked to the edge of London around sunrise. I knew Peter would be going back to the apartment around this time so I decided to apparate to about a mile away from our place then walk the rest of the way. When I reached the apartment the sun was high and it was nearing nine o’clock. My shoes were damp from the dew on the grass by the side of the road but I didn’t mind, all I wanted to do was find Peter and make sure everything went alright so we could leave. I entered my room and looked down on the bed, a piece of yellow parchment lay on the pillow. I walked over and picked it up. For a second I expected a long letter but I found only a short sentence.
I smiled a shallow smile and apparated to Godric’s Hollow. Running up the path I peered into the window and sighed as I realised Peter was better than we gave him credit for. The cottage looked like it hadn’t been in use for a few years. There was no sign of the Potters or any of their belongings. I breathed in and placed my palm on the cold, clammy glass. I waited but nothing stirred so I left, the only proof I had been there; a handprint on the dew-covered window.
Remus was waiting in the apartment when I returned but Peter was nowhere to be seen.
“How did it go?” Remus asked.
“Fine.” I replied emotionless.
“Good.” Remus replied in the same sallow tone.
“Where’s Peter?” I asked.
“No idea. He wasn’t here when I got up.” Remus answered, though it wasn’t the answer I wanted to hear.
Hours dragged on and still Peter did not return. I was getting anxious but I couldn’t breathe a word to Remus about why. After a while I left. Telling Remus I was leaving. He nodded solemnly in agreement of my decision. I set off down the road. ‘where is Peter?’ I asked myself over and over again. I couldn’t find the rat anywhere. ‘I suppose that is why he chose a rat. So he would be difficult to find.’ I laughed to myself. It was only a few days to Halloween, I loved Halloween. I missed the school celebrations of Halloween. I used to love the ones Dumbledore would arrange. But the thought of Halloween faded as it neared evening and I still couldn’t find Peter.
I couldn’t go back to the apartment. I had told Remus I was leaving. I couldn’t go to Dumbledore as he would know something was wrong, I was trapped. I searched throughout the night and all the next day. I searched everywhere I could think of before trying to get at least some sleep but when I finally did fall asleep my dreams were filled with Peter’s screams as Voldemort tortured him to tell him where James, Lily and Harry were.
Halloween morning and I still didn’t know where on earth Peter was. A cold autumn chill filled the air, blowing the crispy red leaves off the side of the road into the air. I walked down the silent country walk. I had been searching for three days and I had no idea where Peter could be. He could be anywhere by now. The chill made me pull my cloak around me even tighter. I hadn’t eaten in two days and my stomach was grumbling like crazy. I couldn’t stop anywhere, as people would recognise me. I was mean to be on the run after all. The day wore on and I kept walking. Long, deserted country roads lead to small villages where nobody had heard of Peter Petigrew, where no one had heard of Voldemort and no one had heard of magic and still I continued to walk.
As I neared a small village I thought it safe to enter a pub to see if I could at least get something small to eat. I searched the village and finally found a small, dank pub. Entering, the smell of stale beer and spilled liquor engulfed my sinuses making my head spin. I walked to the bar and asked for a menu for some food. The bartender handed me a grubby piece of paper with a list of meals on it. Soon I just ordered chicken and chips and it was the easiest. I dug in my pocket for some muggle money and pulled out a five-pound note. I handed it to the bartender who put it in the till and handed me my change. I didn’t feel like drinking today. I walked to the corner of the pub and sat at a small, cigarette burned table. Leaning over to the man smoking at the next table I asked him if he had a spare cigarette. He nodded and handed me a ‘Benson and Hedges’.
I didn’t usually smoke unless I was drunk or extremely nervous, and I was very nervous right now. I searched my pockets and luckily found some matches from the bar we had been to on my last night with the Marauders. I lit the cigarette and started smoking while I waited for my food to arrive. A few minutes passed and my cigarette was over half-gone when I overheard part of a conversation that wasn’t normal for a village free of magic. I looked over to the next table out of the corner of my eye and saw two men. One I recognised as Severus Snape and the other Lucius Malfoy. What in God’s name were they doing here? I quickly turned away from them, hopefully they wouldn’t recognise me. I knew I should get out of there but I wanted to listen in on their conversation. I had heard from Dumbledore that Severus Snape was a spy for our side. I had never believed it and this conversation was making me believe it less every second it was going on.
“He got it.” Lucius whispered. I could only just here him, my dog senses bursting into work.
“Got what?” Snape replied in an equally quiet whisper.
“The secret.” Lucius hissed.
“And I once again find myself out of the loop.” Snape replied.
“Ok, everyone knows that the Potters are on the Dark Lords list. He has been after them for three years now, after he found out what James Potter is.” Lucius explained.
“What is he?” Snape asked.
“Damn Severus. Do you never listen?” Lucius asked.
“I do, only as I said, I am out of the loop most of the time. I’m not like you being high on the list.” Snape snarled.
“Potter is Gryffindor’s heir.” Lucius whispered spitefully.
“No way.” Snape replied.
“Yes he is. And the son of his is too. Voldemort is only after those two. He’ll leave the girl.” Lucius explained.
“Ok, so what has this got to do with the runt?” Snape queried.
“Well, that ‘runt’ is one of Potter’s best friends. Now, everyone knew that at sometime Dumbledore would suggest the Fidelius Charm, and he did. Now, this is the great bit.” Lucius’s voice filled with sick enjoyment. “Dumbledore offered to do it, but Sirius Black took over the role. Said he would project Potter with his life. So Sirius became the secret keeper.”
“How do you know this?” Snape asked.
“You’re no the only spy we have Severus.” Lucius sneered. “Now, the best part of all. Our young friend Mr. Black got cold feet.”
I could feel the hatred building up inside me. I hadn’t got cold feet. I wanted what was best for my best friend. The Bartender brought me my food and I nodded gratefully only I left it untouched. Only taking a chip now and again as I listened to the conversation.
“So who is the secret keeper?” Snape asked.
“The runt.” Lucius answered cheerfully.
“Oh God.” Snape replied.
“God can’t help them now.” Lucius snarled. “The Dark Lord is on his way there now with Petigrew. None of them had any idea that Petigrew was the spy, they all distrusted that werewolf.” Lucius explained. My heart jumped into my throat as I realised I’d signed my best friend over to Voldemort. Now I didn’t care about them seeing me. I stood up, knocking the table over and grabbed the back of Snape’s robes. Pulling him roughly out into the street I stunned Malfoy and left him in the pub.
“WHERE ARE THEY?” I yelled as I slammed Snape against the wall.
“Black.” Snape snarled.
“WHERE ARE THEY?”
“Who?” Snape asked, his eyes full of shock.
“Little Miss Muffet and Tom Thumb.” I replied sarcastically. “WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK?”
“I don’t know. Honestly.” Snape replied.
“SNAPE. I’ll lose my patience VERY fast. NOW TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE.” I yelled, my heart pumping like a drum and my hands shaking, all the rage I had for Peter was about to burst onto Snape, I could feel it.
“I DON’T KNOW.” Snape yelled back.
I pushed Snape to the floor and ran to the car park of the pub. Luckily I found a motorbike a lot like mine so I knew how to ride it. The sun was now gone and a storm was brewing in the sky. I quickly enchanted the motorbike to fly and I changed my key to fit this bike. Soon I was off, flying as fast as I could towards Godric’s Hollow. The storm had already begun over here and without my helmet it was very hard to see a thing. I looked for large landmarks I knew and I finally was able to see the monument near James’s house. Flying down, I landed not facing the house. I climbed quickly off the bike and turned around. My world crashing to hell as my eyes lay on the very thing I was dreading most. I gagged. I knew I was going to be sick at the site of James’s house.
The house was in ruin. It was a mess of rubble that didn’t even slightly resemble a house. White brick and paint filled my vision as I began desperately searching for James, Lily and Harry. It took a while for the storm to subside, the rain lashing like stones on my back as I moved rubble. Soon enough I found James. Tears streamed down my face as I realised he was dead. I stared down at his limp body and moved his hair out of his face. He still looked like he could have been asleep as he hadn’t been gone long but I could tell from the look on his face he was dead. I pulled him out of the rubble and placed him on the burnt grass, I took off my cloak and went back to my search for Lily and Harry. I knew both would be dead but I still wanted to search for them. I needed to search for them. I pulled away rubble and began making a pile on a spare part of grass so that I wasn’t searching through the same parts over and over again. I could feel the rain getting lighter, finally I found Lily, I pulled her face up to my chest and hugged her tightly. I squeezed my eyes shut and wished that none of this were true. That this was just another of my nightmares though I knew it wasn’t. When I finally opened my eyes I noticed another large body. I carried Lily and placed her next to where James lay, I covered her with some of the cloak that covered James and went back to investigate this other body. How I wished it was Peter, but I was wrong. As I pulled away the rubble I looked straight into the horrified eyes of Voldemort. I stayed, staring into his eyes for… I don’t know how long. I couldn’t believe it. Voldemort was gone. I shook my head and I head something. Crying. I looked over to Lily and James but there was no movement. I listened again and I heard a fresh wail. It was a baby… HARRY.
“HARRY.” I yelled at the top of my lungs but I knew I wouldn’t get an answer.
I began searching frantically with no luck. I stopped for a second and heard the screaming once more. I followed the sound, it was back near where Lily had been lying. I ran back over and began moving rubble and finally a mess of short black hair came into view. I pulled a screaming Harry out of the rubble. I hugged him and kissed him on the head. Tears that I couldn’t be bothered to hold back streaming down my face and onto my rain soaked robes.
“Oi, Lad. What y’er doing ‘ere?” A voice boomed over me. I turned around and found Hagrid towering over near the motorbike. I stood up and ran over, Harry tight in my arms.
“Voldemort, he’s gone Hagrid.” I replied.
“I know. And little ‘Arry ‘ere is the one ‘at did it.” Hagrid replied. I looked at him confused. Hagrid held out his hands and after a little pause I handed Harry to him. Hagrid stared down at the little baby.
“Give him back here Hagrid.” I whispered. “I’m his Godfather.”
“Nope, I gotta take him straight ter Dumbledore.” Hagrid replied. I nodded silently. I looked over and remembered the motorbike.
“Here Hagrid.” I said, handing him the keys. “I won’t be needing it anymore.” I stepped towards James and Lily, looking down at their faces I felt a serge of hatred towards Peter. I had to find him.
“See you Hagrid.” I said. I had no plans to stay. I was going to find Peter and kill that bastard.
I apparated to the nearest town and began to search but with no luck. I knew Peter would be hiding in some big town where it would be difficult to find him. I searched for two days without sleeping. A mad rage pumped through me and my blood burned in my veins. Hatred surged through me and I was constantly cursing his name.
“Stupid fucker. How the hell could he do this to us? Just a bloody asshole.” I muttered continuously as I walked down London’s streets. I kept mainly to the muggle streets, as I knew he wouldn’t dare to go to the magical world if he knew I was on his trail, which he knew I would be. “Stupid fucking coward, he had to go looking the biggest bully. Couldn’t stay faithful to us. AHHHH.” I bashed over a market stall as the crowded street slowed me down.
I was near the end of a mildly crowded muggle street when I heard my name yelled. I spun around and glared at Peter. He was walking fiercely towards me, his wand stretched out in front of him. All the hatred that had been building up the last few days began bubbling in my veins as he walked towards me. I pulled out my wand and pointed straight at him.
“HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO LILY AND JAMES?” He screamed. I stared at him, disbelieving. How the fuck could he say this to me. It was so ludicrous I began laughing.
He looked at me in shock, he couldn't see how I could laugh at a time like this. His face distorted in confusion and shock making me hate him even more. It was rather sickening to me that he had picked a rat as his animagi animal and now I know why he had picked it. It was the animal most like his character. A rat, it suited this asshole perfectly.
He stopped in front of me and pointed his wand straight at my heart, all the time I continued laughing.
“HOW COULD YOU SIRIUS?” He screamed again.
I quickly ducked out of his way and pushed him into the corner. I walked forwards, his chest at the end of my wand. When he was finally pushed into the corner he smiled wickedly. I looked at him confused. He pulled out a dagger and cut off his middle finger. He winced and held his bloody hand, trying to ignore the pain I hoped it was causing him.
“You know Sirius,” He whispered spitefully, “You never gave me enough credit. You’ll have time to think about that in Azkaban.” I laughed again.
“You’re the one going to that place Peter.” I spat.
“I beg to differ.” Peter replied. Suddenly he screamed. I lunged forward and behind me half the street blew apart. I looked down and Peter was gone, all that was left was his middle finger.
People were screaming all around me. I stood, not able to believe what had happened. Peter had got the better of me. He had made it so that every witness would believe I killed Lily and James. And from what had gone on I wouldn’t be surprised if they believed I had blown up the street and blown Peter to bits along with it. The anger I held for Peter burst out of me and I couldn’t stop laughing. I don’t even know why I was laughing. The fact that Peter’s plan was so perfect, that I would be going down for something he did. And knowing Crouch, I wouldn’t get a trial. Mad laughter kept spilling out of me. I wasn’t able to stop. Soon Enforcers from the Ministry arrived and arrested me. I leant back on the wall where Peter had been standing looking at the damage he had caused. It was disgusting what he had done. Not only had he killed his best friends, he had just killed countless innocent muggles. I hadn't seen how many people were in the street at the time but I know there were quite a few. All the time I couldn’t stop laughing. All the hate in me spilling out through my laughs. Fudge looked at me with disgust and he ordered for me to receive the worst punishment without trial…To be sent to Azkaban for the rest of my destroyed, pointless life.
Constant Torture.
I killed them. It was my fault. I suggested Peter be secret keeper. I handed them over to Voldemort on a rat shaped silver platter. I killed my best friend in the world and his wife. Everything’s gone, everything I cared for in the world have evaporated along with my freedom. Now that rat is out there somewhere. He is hiding, waiting for Voldemort to come back then he will be a hero. Well, he thinks he’ll be a hero. Those bastards, screaming in their sleep about how he killed their master. I hope Voldemort isn’t dead. I hope he is suffering eternal torture. God I am so different now. I used to believe the best in people but now it’s the worst.
I feel so horrible. I can’t believe I thought Remus was the spy. How could I not see it in Peter? He always liked having powerful friends. Why was I so fucking stupid? Oh, what must Remus think of me now? Even he thought I was the secret keeper. He must hate me. He’ll think that I killed James, Lily and Peter. I have lost everything. I have no friends left and now I am stuck in this hellhole talking to myself. Well I suppose that is better than talking to the other people in here.
They are talking to themselves again. All the prisoners around me, talking, whispering, screaming is all I hear. Please make it stop. The dementors don’t know I am an Animagi, which is helping me get through the seconds. All I have to do is muster up enough strength to transform then the pain isn’t as much. But a lot of the time I don’t want to transform. I need to live with the fact I killed my best friend in the world. I destroyed his family. I can’t turn into a dog every time my guilt gets too much. I’m not guilty, I didn’t hand them over to Voldemort, it wasn’t my fault. It was though. I know I’m innocent of the actual crime but I’m guiltier than that bastard in betraying my friends. How could I have not seen it?
How long had he been working for Voldemort? Was he working for him all the time we were on the run? When we all went to James and Lily’s wedding? When we left school? I can’t remember anytime I saw a noticeable change. Maybe that’s because I wasn’t looking for one. I was so ignorant that I refused to believe that one of my best friends since I was eleven years old could be a death eater that I didn’t see the obvious. But then again nobody else saw it. They all believed he was still on our side.
I know I didn’t kill them. I know it wasn’t me. I now know that everyone in the magical world hates me. I know Peter is out there somewhere, watching and waiting for Voldemort to come back and I know that Remus is out there thinking he has lost every friend he has in the world. And now Harry has gone off to live with those flaming muggles that hate all magic, he won’t ever know his parents. I know that that is because of Peter but…
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