by kaly
razrbkr@juno.com
Title: Shattered Dreams
Author: kaly (razrbkr@juno.com)
Homepage: the shadowland - kaly's fan fiction -
http://www.geocities.com/kalyw
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Jurassic Park 3
Pairing: Alan/Billy
Archive: list archive, elfin. Otherwise: want it, just ask.
Classification: angst, alternate universe
Spoilers: plot elements throughout the movie
Warnings: angst, character death
Timeframe: late in the movie onward.
Summary: Sometimes we lose the things that matter before we ever truly have them.
Feedback: happily and gratefully accepted.
Notes: This is an AU. I've deliberately taken some parts from the movie and changed others. Some of the stuff quoted may be wrong, I'm a bit fuzzy on the very end. It's also not a very happy story. Blame my online friends *g* they said I was scaring them by writing happy ending fic.
Thanks: to Cori for telling me that no, it didn't suck *g* and Ruth for the amazingly quick beta job. Muchly appreciated ladies!
Disclaimer: They're mine I tell you! Mine! Oh wait... never mind. Just a temporary delusion of grandeur, don't mind me. ;) So, the moral of the story, bet you thought there wasn't one! Nope, gonna slip one right by ya there: no money, no sue me.
Pulling the resonating chamber away from his lips, Alan held his breath. Around them the raptors began withdrawing into the brush in confusion. The lead raptor looked at Amanda for a long moment before stepping forward and taking one of the eggs in her mouth. A second followed its lead and retrieved the other egg.
As the two raptors moved away from them, Alan closed his eyes briefly. The shaky feeling passed, replaced by relief, and he opened his eyes to look around the clearing.
He froze a second later. "Hold on."
Amanda had been standing when she felt his hand on her arm. "Wha...?" She looked around, trying to figure out what was wrong.
"One's still here," Eric whispered, looking between it and Alan. Eric rubbed an arm over his face, mixing dirt with sweat. "He's staring at you."
The raptor, almost hidden away in the shadows, continued to stare at Alan for several seconds. It hadn't moved when the far off call of another echoed through the trees. It looked quickly to the side, its head swiveling on its neck. With a hoarse grunt, still looking directly at Alan, it ran into the brush.
When he was sure the raptor was gone, Alan took a deep breath. "That was fun," he said with a relieved grin. He returned the resonating chamber to Billy's camera bag and stood. Beside him, the Kirbys looked equally anxious to find some hope of escape at the ocean.
"Let's get to the coast."
Paul nodded. "I like that idea."
They pushed on through the jungle -- Alan in the lead, Eric just behind him and his parents following together.
"What was that?" Eric asked a moment later, while they walked. "What happened?"
Alan resettled the bags on his back, stretching slightly. "I'm not sure. It's the first instance of seemingly independent behavior I've seen, however."
"Weird," Eric said, shaking his head.
Alan laughed. "Something like that, yeah."
After he and Eric stopped talking, Grant could hear the low whispers of Eric's parents as they walked, but tuned them out. He was more concerned about there being no more surprises ahead of them.
He did notice, however, when Eric sudden stopped walking. Turning, he looked at the boy. "Eric? What's wrong?"
His attention elsewhere, Eric shook his head. "Thought I heard something."
"I don't..." Alan paused, looking around. Holding out a hand, Alan whispered forcibly, "Mr. Kirby, quiet!"
Both Paul and Amanda's heads jerked up, their conversation interrupted. "Dr. Grant?" Amanda asked, a confused look on her face.
Shaking his head silently, Alan held up his hand and turned in a slow circle. The effect created an eerie silence, only insects and the faint rush of the waves on the shore audible.
After a couple of minutes, Amanda stepped forward. "Dr. Grant?" Almost simultaneously the unmistakable cry of a raptor tore through the silence.
Eyes wide, Alan grabbed Eric by the shoulder. "Run! Get in the trees!" His words were almost drowned out by Amanda's sudden scream.
Not needing any more encouragement, Eric ran towards the nearest large tree and began climbing. "Mom!" he cried a second later, looking over his shoulder toward the others.
"Eric!" Amanda ran after her son, not wanting to be separated again. "I'm behind you. Keep climbing!" Reaching the base of the tree, she turned around. "Paul!" Mr. Kirby hadn't moved from where she'd last seen him. "Paul!" she screamed again.
He seemed to shake himself, meeting Amanda's gaze. Running toward Paul, Alan reached him just as the raptor broke into view with a loud cry.
"Mr. Kirby! " Alan grabbed his arm and propelled him toward the safety of the trees. "Run! Now!" Running just behind him, Alan pressed a hand against Paul's back, pushing him onward.
For a long moment, even as they ran, the raptor was still. It stood quietly, staring at the retreating men. Abruptly Alan stopped and turned. Wide-eyed, he stared up at the fierce creature that continued to hunt them. It bore the same markings of the raptor that lingered behind in the clearing. He stood motionless for a moment, fascinated even while running for his life.
Shaking his head, Alan turned and followed Paul. Up in the tree, Eric and Amanda could only watch as the two men scrambled forward. Just shy of the tree, Paul stumbled on a protruding root, landing on his stomach with a grunt.
"Paul!" Amanda screamed.
She jumped onto a lower branch, but had only taken two steps lower when Eric grabbed her arm. "No, Mom! Don't go. Look," he said, gesturing toward the ground wildly. "Dr. Grant has him."
Reaching Paul, who was struggling to pull his ankle free of the root, Alan dropped to his knees. Four hands grasped and pulled, trying to get his leg loose. "Hurry, hurry, hurry," Paul muttered in a whispered mantra, looking at the raptor that loomed behind them.
The raptor seemed to be waiting, although the entire situation struck Alan as odd. Alan felt like it was breathing down his neck, waiting for some sign to rush toward them and make all their efforts pointless. Finally, boot slipping off, Paul was free.
Two things happened at once then. Paul and Alan jumped to their feet. And the raptor finally made its move.
"Dad!"
"Dr. Grant!"
Eric and Amanda's cries echoed through the trees.
"Go, go, go," Alan whispered under his breath, pushing Paul ahead of him as they ran. Just shy of the tree, Alan glanced over his shoulder. It took only a split second to realize they weren't going to make it before the raptor was on them.
Time seemed to slow for Alan then. The frantic cries from Amanda and Eric grew quiet. Paul's harsh gasping and pounding steps became far away. Standing there, he made a choice. Alan could only hope it was the right one.
He turned to face the raptor -- and in a way, his fate.
Paul was already in the tree when he realized Dr. Grant wasn't behind him. Turning quickly, he gasped. "Dr. Grant! Don't stand there, run!"
"Go!" Alan yelled, not turning.
~<>~<>~
Alan screamed, the noise cutting through the jungle again and again. Amanda closed her eyes, moisture burning behind the closed lids. She pulled Eric against her chest, holding him with shaking arms.
Wide-eyed, unable to look away, Eric stared at the scene on the ground below. Shaking his head from side to side, he repeated, "No. No, no, no."
Below them, but well off the ground, Paul pressed himself against the main tree trunk. "Dr. Grant!"
Alan didn't move, but the raptor did. As Paul watched, the large animal nosed his way around the fallen doctor. The raptor sniffed, the quick, panting breath rustling Alan's hair. It paused over a small black bag -- Billy's camera bag. With a grunt and flurry of motion, the raptor tore the bag apart.
Paul leaned forward, trying to see what the raptor was doing. He slammed back into the tree, however, when the raptor jumped up and away from Alan, the resonating chamber that had saved them clutched in its mouth.
Paul opened his mouth to call out again, but was startled into silence when the raptor snapped his jaw, crushing the device. Small pieces fell from his mouth onto the ground only to be crunched again underfoot when the raptor turned toward the tree that held the Kirbys.
The sudden cry of another, more distant, raptor caused the large beast to freeze, its snout up in the air. With a final huff of air toward the Kirbys, the raptor tore off in the direction from which it had first appeared. The noise from the retreating raptor faded, leaving them in a peculiar silence.
"Dr. Grant!" Eric yelled. He pulled away from his mother in jerky movements, running through the branches once he was free. Ignoring Paul's hand on his arm as he ran by, Eric didn't stop until he reached Alan.
"Eric!" Amanda chased after the boy. She didn't notice the twigs that snapped across her face as she ran, nearly slipping on several branches in her haste. "Come on, Paul," she said, barely pausing long enough to grab his arm as she passed him.
Still staring at Alan, Paul shook his head as if to clear it. Shock was still clear on his features. "Yeah," he said in a quiet voice a second later. He followed just behind his ex-wife.
"Dr. Grant?" Eric asked, kneeling next to Alan. "Dr. Grant," he repeated hesitantly. Eric touched Alan's shoulder, shaking it gently. He stared at Alan's face, not looking at the livid claw marks that crisscrossed Alan's torso.
Catching up to Eric, Amanda dropped onto her knees beside him. She wrapped an arm around Eric's shoulders. "No, Eric. It's too..."
Alan gasped suddenly, interrupting her. Flinching, Amanda landed on her backside, almost taking Eric with her. "Dr. Grant?" she asked, moving forward to brush the backs of her fingers across his cheek. "Can you hear me?"
"Dr. Grant?" Eric asked in a small voice, unblinking.
Alan's eyes fluttered, opening slowly. "Eri..." Alan closed his eyes, trying to breathe. He coughed violently, a strange bubbling noise coming from his chest. Alan's back arched from the pain and he screamed, the sound weak and strangled.
Amanda gasped when a stream of blood slipped from the corner of his mouth. "Don't talk," Amanda said, swallowing nervously. "We'll just..." She looked at Paul, who was standing just behind them with his hand on her shoulder. "We'll just carry you to the shore. We'll all be okay. You'll see."
"No." Alan shook his head imperceptibly, a ghosting smile on his face. Blood bubbled from his lips as he spoke. "Better 'is way."
Eric was shaking his head roughly while staring at Alan. "Better?" he repeated, his voice pitching shrilly. "No!" Eric looked up at his mother. "Mom?" he asked in a smaller voice. "It's not better..."
Alan's eyes drooped closed and he began coughing again. Her eyes filling with tears, Amanda shook her head at Eric. "Dr. Grant?"
Gasping shallowly, Alan's eyes opened and he looked at Amanda and Eric once more. He searched Amanda's gaze. "Billy... I never..." Eyes widening, Alan struggled to breathe. "Never t'ld I lov..." A pang of regret filled his eyes before he glanced toward the sky and let out a long, shaky breath.
"Dr. Grant?" Paul whispered after they were silent for several seconds.
Brushing her hand over Alan's face, Amanda closed his eyes. Holding Eric close, she looked at Paul with tears on her cheeks. Amanda's shoulders shaking, Paul pulled both his wife and son into an embrace.
Eric shook his head, tears welling up in his eyes. "It's not fair." Holding onto his mother, tears slipped down his cheeks, leaving streaks in the dirt. "It's not fair, Mom."
"I know, baby," she said, hugging him. Amanda sniffed, standing unsteadily. Paul braced his hand under her elbow and she pulled Eric up with her. Hugging him again, she pressed her chin against the top of his head. Meeting Paul's gaze she sighed. "I know."
Minutes later, Paul finally spoke. "What should we..." Paul paused suddenly when he heard something odd.
"Dr. Grant? Dr. Alan Grant?"
Paul snapped around at the tinny voice that echoed from over his shoulder. Turning back to his family, a disbelieving look on his face, he shook his head. "Do you think...?"
"Dr. Grant?" the voice repeated.
Without a word, all three of them ran toward the voice. After only a few minutes they broke free of the jungle and onto the beach. The sight that met them caused the Kirbys to freeze where they stood.
They were rescued. Ten minutes too late.
~<>~<>~
The man carrying a megaphone escorted the Kirbys to a helicopter that had landed on the beach not long after they arrived there themselves. Weary and shell-shocked, they climbed on board, wanting nothing more than to collapse into the seats and leave Isla Sorna. They'd taken several marines to the site where Alan's body was, and they were arranging transport for the body as well.
"Is this man with you?"
Paul's head jerked up at the question. He looked in the direction the man indicated and felt his jaw drop open. Beside him, Amanda froze, not quite believing what she was seeing.
"Billy!" Eric cried, brushing past his father. "You're alive!"
Billy's eyes opened slowly, and after a few seconds he smiled weakly at the boy. "Hi Eric. So're you."
Following more slowly, Amanda moved behind her son. "Hi, Billy."
"Mrs. Kirby. Good to see you."
Sharing a glance with Paul, Amanda nodded. Fresh tears welled up in her eyes. "It's good to see you too, Billy," she said in a choked voice.
The younger man looked at the trio standing beside him and his brow creased. Fear caught his throat and there was a long silence before Billy finally risked speaking. "Where's..." He coughed, wincing slightly. "Where's Alan?"
Eric opened his mouth to reply, but nothing would come out. Unblinking, he looked up at his parents. Amanda, her shoulders shaking, felt hot tears sliding down her face. She, too, couldn't force the words.
Billy looked from one to the other, shaking his head in denial. "No. No. He's fine. Just lost. I was lost and I'm fine. He's Alan Grant. He has to be okay." Amanda winced at the desperate words and leaned against Paul.
"I'm sorry, Billy," Paul finally said, shaking his head.
"Alan?"
The tears filling Eric's eyes fell at the weak question. He could hear Billy begging -- however silently -- that they were wrong. "Billy..." he managed around a hiccup.
Alan's hat, over looked until that moment, fell from nerveless fingers to land with a soft thump against the floor. When Eric looked back at Billy's face his eyes were closed and he was breathing as if asleep. The boy leaned over and picked up the worn hat, sniffing.
"He saved his hat," Eric said, showing it to his parents.
Amanda nodded silently, tears still coursing down her cheeks. Paul put his arm around her shoulders and led them to the empty chairs near Billy's stretcher. "Come on, Eric. It's time to go home."
Somewhere, not quite asleep, Billy flinched at the words. Where was he supposed to go if Alan was gone?
~<>~<>~
They were taken back to the States quickly, directly to a hospital. While the Kirbys were checked out -- Eric especially so, after his long ordeal -- Billy was rushed to surgery.
"Is he going to be okay?" Amanda asked one of the doctors who met them.
The woman nodded. "He should be fine. We just need to fix a few things."
"Good, that's good," Paul replied.
The doctor smiled. "If you'll excuse me. I need to go check on your son."
They nodded, watching as she retreated through a set of double doors. "Do you think he'll really be okay?" Amanda asked a few moments later.
Squeezing her hand, Paul nodded. "Eric will be fine."
"I didn't mean Eric," she said, shaking her head. "I know he'll be fine. He's strong." Amanda paused, sighing. "I just wonder if Billy will be okay."
"He's strong, Amanda." Paul placed his arm around Amanda's shoulders. "He'll be okay."
She looked at him out of the corner of her eye. "You're so sure?"
"We'll go talk to him, when he's awake. Maybe you'll feel better."
Staring at the swinging doors, Amanda leaned forward in her chair, elbows resting on her knees. "Maybe."
~<>~<>~
When Billy awoke he looked around, confused. He didn't recognize the small room he was lying in, although he knew it must be a hospital room. Wondering what had happened to land him in the hospital, he tried to sit up, but stopped when a lancing pain tore through his side.
Gasping, he closed his eyes. Billy could feel the sweat dotting his forehead and raised a tired arm to wipe it away. He tried to think back and remember. But when he opened his eyes the only question on his mind was where Alan might be.
Surely if he'd messed up so badly, Alan would be nearby...
Alan.
Billy's breath caught and he blinked quickly. Images flashed in his mind like a movie. Memories, he realized a moment later.
The Kirbys. Isla Sorna. Flying and crashing. Taking the eggs from their nest. Running and hiding. Finding Alan and Eric. Flying... and crashing again. Claws digging into his shoulders. Telling Alan to leave, to save himself. Being alone. Being scared.
Waking up on a helicopter with the Kirbys staring at him.
Alan...
Pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes, Billy moaned. The memories flooded back, overwhelming him. Surely it was all a dream. A nightmare, his mind corrected. Alan would walk through the door at any moment.
If he was still angry with Billy for taking the eggs was beside the point. They could argue; it wouldn't bother Billy anymore. Because Alan would be alive.
Billy sat there for some time arguing with himself. Surely it was a nightmare. Men like Alan didn't die. It just didn't happen. He ignored the little voice inside himself that scoffed at such logic.
Sighing, he buried his face in his hands. But if it wasn't a dream, where was Alan? As if in answer to his question, there was a soft knock on the door. Billy started and pulled his hands away from his face.
"Yeah?" he asked in a rough, unused voice. He found himself hoping, even though he tried not to do so. He didn't realize he was holding his breath until Amanda's head appeared in the doorway and all the air rushed out of him.
It was true.
She rushed forward, hearing his gasping breaths. "Billy? Do I need to get the doctor?"
He shook his head silently, willing the ringing in his ears to stop. "I, I..." Meeting her concerned gaze, Billy searched her face for some kind of answer. He grabbed Amanda's hand and held on tight, needing the contact even if it was with the wrong person.
Slowly the panic faded to shock, and he released her hand. "Sorry," he whispered, staring at the blankets.
"It's okay," she replied in a quiet voice. It was several minutes before she spoke again. "I'm sorry, Billy."
His head jerked up, eyes wide. "When I woke up, I didn't remember." Billy almost smiled, but not quite. Picking at a loose thread on the blanket, he tilted his head to the side. "And when I did... I thought I must have dreamt it."
Billy risked a glance over at Amanda and was startled to see tears in her eyes. "No," she mouthed, almost silently. "You didn't."
Feeling the burn of tears in his own eyes, Billy willed them away. He wouldn't break down in front of Mrs. Kirby. Again the voice inside himself laughed as he decided maybe he simply wouldn't break down. It was the only thing left he could control, damn it. Everything else had been stolen away from him.
"How?" he whispered, a few moments later.
Amanda cleared her throat, looking off to the side as she replied. "He... There was an incident. With the raptors." She risked a glance at Billy, who was utterly still. "Over the eggs," she finished, hating herself for it as she watched the color drain out of his face. "He used... something to scare them away. It made a noise like they did."
At that, Billy looked up, a ghost of a smile on his face. "The resonating chamber." Nodding, he added, "Good idea."
"Yeah," Amanda said, her voice rough with tears. "There was one; it stayed behind when the others ran away. But later... Later it came back. It was like it was looking for something. We ran... " She ran a hand through her hair, shaking slightly as she remembered the attack.
When she stopped talking, Billy risked a glance at her. Seeing her haunted eyes, he wished he hadn't. So instead he sat quietly, hearing the words he would rather have ignored. Hearing it made it real.
"Paul and Dr. Grant were behind us. And then Paul fell. He saved Paul." Leaning back in her chair, Amanda's voice thickened. "The raptor, it ripped open your bag -- the black one -- it was like it was looking for something."
Billy's hands froze. There was only one reason a raptor would have been digging through that bag... "The eggs again," he said, more a burst of air than words.
"No," Amanda said, shaking her head and placing a hand on Billy's arm. "This was different." She stopped, debating if she should continue, if Billy needed to know the rest. "It was like it wanted the..." she paused, trying to remember the term. "The resonating chamber Dr. Grant used to trick them. It destroyed it."
A cold shiver ran down Billy's spine. His eyes burned anew and his chest felt tight.
"Dr. Grant would be so happy to know you made it." Amanda tried to console him, misunderstanding his reaction. "When he thought you'd died, after what happened between you... He never said as much, but it hurt him, greatly."
Billy was shaking silently, refusing to look at Mrs. Kirby. His jaw clenched shut, he swallowed back the tears.
"Billy..." Amanda leaned forward, covering Billy's hand with her own. "Dr. Grant, he said something, right before." Amanda blinked quickly, a single tear falling free. "I thought you should know. Although Paul thought I shouldn't..."
It took several tries before Billy could speak. "What?" he whispered finally. He was torn, he didn't know if he wanted to know, but it was as if he couldn't not hear Alan's last words. Clearing his throat, Billy nodded. "What did he say?"
"He loved you." The words tumbled out in a rush. Taking a deep breath, she repeated more slowly. "He said that he never told you he loved you."
Billy's heart froze. Everything froze; time ceased to move.
Love. Alan loved him. The pain that he felt before seemed inconsequential compared to that which ripped his heart from his chest at those words.
"Billy? Billy."
Billy shook his head, hearing Amanda's concerned voice. His mouth suddenly too dry, he tried to lick his lips. "I think I'd like to be alone," he replied eventually, his voice husky.
Nodding, Amanda stood. "I'm sorry, Billy."
He managed to look up at her, just for a moment. "Thank you."
Although she barely heard the whispered words, she smiled faintly, but it didn't reach her eyes. Without another word she disappeared back the way she had came.
Billy stared at the door for a long time, trying to figure out where he was supposed to go from there.
~<>~<>~
Billy managed to talk the doctors into letting him out of the hospital sooner than they'd planned and returned home.
He was lost. Oh, he knew where he was, but Billy had no idea where he was going. Ever since his talk with Amanda, nothing had made any sense. It seemed like the world was skewed, tilted off its axis with no way to right it.
Leaning on a cane the doctors had given him, Billy hobbled around the almost empty apartment. Everything reminded him of Alan. Taking a shallow breath, still refusing the ever-present tears, Billy admitted to himself that he couldn't imagine going back to the dig. Not until he had everything under better control.
Whenever that would be, he thought sardonically.
He was thirsty, Billy decided, slowly making his way into the kitchen. Leaning against the counter, he let go of the cane long enough to reach up for a glass. Sharp pain lanced through his chest, causing Billy to gasp. His grasp on the glass was lost and it fell -- shattering on the hard linoleum floor.
Billy gasped for breath, his good arm wrapped around his ribs. It was several seconds before he managed to pry his eyes open and look at the jagged glass that now covered the floor.
Leaning to the side, he tried to pick one of the larger pieces up, but merely succeeded in falling onto the floor himself. He sucked in a quick breath when his hand landed on one of the shards, cutting into the skin.
He stared at the blood on his hand, mesmerized. It would be so easy... Billy shook his head. No, he decided. It would be easy, but it would also be too easy.
Fresh guilt washed over him, memories of Alan's disappointed face, the eggs... Even the damned resonating chamber he'd been so proud of. Billy shuddered, pressing his back to the kitchen cabinets. Tilting his head back to rest on the wood, Billy closed his eyes.
His breath coming in rough pants, he was sure of only a few things. The most important was that he didn't deserve easy. Not even close.
~<>~<>~
He must have fallen asleep right there on the kitchen floor, Billy realized. Using his cane, he managed to stand, albeit somewhat unsteadily. Where there had been bright light streaming in through the window before, it was now barely daylight.
His head felt like it was packed in cotton, and he shook it to clear away the cobwebs. However all he succeeded in doing was causing his ears to ring.
Sighing, Billy looked at the glass that was still on the floor. For a moment he considered, trying to clean it. "Fuck it," he muttered, pulling another glass from the shelf. More careful this time, there was little pain in his side.
With shaking hands he filled it with tap water. Taking a long drink, he only stopped to gasp for breath. Again resting against the counter, he considered the glass in his hand. Billy looked at the sparkling glass on the floor and again at the whole one he held.
A surprising surge of anger gave him strength, and he hurled it toward the wall. He was rewarded by the brittle sound of shattering glass. Panting, he pulled out another glass, and another. One by one he threw them at the wall, barely pausing to revel in the destruction of each.
Damn it! Damn him! Damn it!
The words repeated in Billy's mind like a mantra, each accompanying the sound of breaking glass.
"Had to be the hero," he muttered, grabbing a plate because he'd broken all the glasses within reach. As it shattered, covering the floor with ceramic, Billy growled low in his throat. "Had to be the fucking hero, didn't you?"
Shaking, he grabbed another plate, reaching his good arm back to throw. "Why'd you have to be the hero...?" he said less venomously before tossing the plate.
The sound of someone knocking on the door interrupted Billy's rambling. His head jerked up at the sound and he struggled to breathe. He wanted to ignore the noise, but the knocking became more persistent.
"Billy?"
Billy blinked. He knew that voice. How did he know that voice? Thinking, it finally hit him. Dr. Sattler. Oh shit.
Stumbling into the main room, he limped to the front door. Trying to take a deep breath, but only managing to cough, he finally pulled the door open just as Ellie was about to knock again.
"Billy..."
He laughed, a short hysterical sound, at the shocked look on her face. "Dr. Sattler. Come in," he said, gesturing to the room behind him.
~<>~<>~
Stepping slowly inside the apartment, as if unsure, Ellie didn't look away from Billy. "Billy?" Her eyes widened at the bloody gash on his hand. "Are you...?" The question died on her lips. Of course he wasn't okay.
"Yeah?" Billy leaned back against the door; sweat had beaded along his forehead.
Ellie blinked. She had expected Billy to be upset, but the pale, shaking man in front of her was worse than she'd feared. Stepping forward, she wrapped her arms around Billy's shoulders.
"I'm so sorry," she said in a shaky voice. When he tried to pull away, she held on tighter.
Billy pressed his eyes closed. The anger he'd felt before was fading only to be replaced by a gaping emptiness. Still holding his cane, he placed his good arm around her shoulders. Opening his mouth to reply, he found no words would come. His hard fought control wavered for a moment, and he struggled to keep the emotions at bay.
"How'd you know I was here?" Billy asked after she pulled away, confusion darkening his eyes.
Ellie sat on the edge of a nearby chair. "Mark," she replied a few moments later. Shaking her head, she added, "My husband found out from the hospital that you'd left."
Walking unsteadily, Billy moved across the room and collapsed onto the couch.
"I guess I should be thanking you." Ellie shook her head. "How are you? Really." When he shook his head, as if to ignore the question, Ellie moved to sit next to him on the couch. "I know we never knew one another that well..." She watched the emotions that warred in his eyes, and placed her hand on top of his.
"Alan was special to you," Billy said with a half-shrug. "He loved you."
Her eyes bright, Ellie sighed. "Yeah. And I loved him, but not like we used to love one another." She looked off into the distance for a moment. "We both moved on, and he found you."
She smiled faintly, "He was special to you, too, Billy. I know how he felt about you, even if he never actually told me. It was always there. In everything he said about you. In how he said it. The way he smiled whenever you were mentioned."
She paused, considering the downcast man in front of her. Taking a chance, she brushed her fingertips across his cheek. "And I think you felt the same."
Billy looked up at her, startled both by the contact and the words. "Dr. Sattler..."
"No, Billy." Her smile returned for a moment, a sad expression that didn't reach her eyes. "It's okay. It's okay that you loved him. Even that you never told him."
Standing quickly, almost toppling over, but catching himself on the couch, Billy growled. "Then why didn't he say anything?" His voice fading, he asked, "Why didn't he fight harder?" Billy collapsed back onto the couch. Burying his face in his free hand, he sighed. "Why didn't he live?"
Ellie put her arm around Billy's shoulders. "Oh, Billy..." Tears filled her eyes at the plaintive request, slipping quietly down her cheeks. "I don't know. Sometimes we never know."
His shoulders shaking, Billy sniffled. "It's all my fault, damn it."
"Billy..."
"No!" Billy exclaimed, pushing her comforting arm away. "He wouldn't be dead -- three times over he wouldn't be dead." Shaking even harder, he hit his chest with his hand. "If it wasn't for me."
Sagging back onto the couch, his head fell to rest on the back. The fight burned out of him as he stared up at the ceiling. His voice choked, he whispered, "I killed him just as sure as the raptors did."
"Billy, Alan loved you. He wouldn't blame you." Ellie laughed softly -- briefly. "If he knew you were blaming yourself, he'd be mad as hell." She shook his arm lightly. "You know that."
He swallowed audibly before choking out, "Do I...?" Coughing, Billy shook his head silently. "I..." As the words tried to slip free, Billy felt the hot burn of tears behind his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers. "I don't..."
Even though his eyes were hidden from view, Ellie realized the struggle he was going through. Moving so that she was kneeling in front of him, she cupped his hand in her cheek. "You can't hide from the pain forever," she whispered when his words faltered.
With a sob, the first tears escaped Billy's eyes. "I never..." He gasped around the tears, looking at Ellie with imploring, tortured eyes. Although he blinked quickly, the tears continued to fall. "I never told him. Wanted to," he managed between stuttered breaths. Shaking so hard he feared that he would fly apart, Billy fought the words that were locked inside him.
"I never said I loved him."
The whisper was so quiet Ellie almost had to read his lips to understand. When she did, sympathetic tears blurred her vision. Pulling Billy to her in an awkward embrace, she pressed her hands against his back.
"He knew," she said in a stressed whisper. Rocking Billy slightly, she repeated even more quietly, "He knew, Billy."
Grasping at Ellie's shirt with his good hand, Billy struggled for breath as the endless tears poured forth. Ever since waking on the helicopter, Billy had fought for control -- not to give up, not to die. To not cry. Days worth of anguish and a lifetime's worth of regret rushed outward in a haze of noisy sobs and messy tears.
"It hurts," he said in a gasped breath. "Oh, God, it hurts."
Nodding, Ellie held on as tightly as she dared. "I know. I know it hurts. Just let go."
~<>~<>~
Ever so slowly, Billy's shaking had subsided and he sat there -- limp in Ellie's arms. She hoped he had cried himself out and had fallen asleep. When she pulled back slightly, he surprised her by opening his eyes.
"You miss him. Don't you?" he asked after looking at her for a long moment.
Ellie nodded, a wistful look on her features. "Every day."
"I miss him so much."
"I know." She brushed the damp hair from Billy's forehead as his eyes began to droop. "You should sleep."
Lacking the strength to argue, Billy let himself be rearranged on the couch so that he was lying down. He watched Ellie as she found a blanket and covered him. "Thank you," he said in a quiet voice a few moments later.
Kneeling beside the couch, Ellie smiled sadly. "You made Alan happy." She shrugged. "You don't have to thank me for anything."
As Billy fell asleep, Ellie closed her eyes and let out a long breath. A single tear traced an uneven path down her cheek and she looked at the nearly shattered man before her.
"Oh, Alan... Why did you have to leave?"
end
