by kaly
razrbkr@juno.com
Title: Not A Day Goes By
Author: kaly (razrbkr@juno.com)
Homepage: the shadowland - kaly's fan fiction - http://www.geocities.com/kalyw
Rating: PG
Fandom: Jurassic Park 3
Pairing: Alan/Billy
Archive: list archive. Otherwise, if you want it please ask.
Spoilers: yes
Warnings: Angst, Character Death (yep, run screaming now)
Timeframe: post-movie
Summary: Alan reflects on knowing the consequences.
Feedback: happily and gratefully accepted.
Notes: Borrows dialogue from the kid's book rather than the movie, so what's said at the very beginning is canon in a way. This was written back in August, but never posted. It's not a HHJJ fic, nor does it have any smut, so if you only prefer those, you might want to skip it.
Thanks to Nix for reading this for me waaaay back when before the world went kinda crazy and my muse ran away. Again. I appreciate the cheerleading as always.
Disclaimer: Contrary to rumors, they're not mine. No money, no sue me.
"It's okay. I know the consequences."
"Don't Billy!"
"Get back! Get back!"
"It's no use, Dr. Grant."
"Good bye, Billy."
~<>~<>~
Alan jerked awake, gasping for air as he blinked away the disjointed images. Reaching up with unsteady hands he rubbed his eyes. Sweat dotted Alan's forehead and he brushed it away with the back of his sleeve. Letting out a breath, Alan slouched back into the chair where he had fallen asleep. Jetlag, he decided with a grimace. It was the only reason he could possibly have dozed off in such an uncomfortable chair.
On the small table in front of him were notes for a lecture he was scheduled to give the following morning. A lecture he was loath to give even though it was the first in years. He had all but stopped such lectures, but when Ellie had asked, he couldn't seem to tell her no.
So for one last time it was the chance for a room full of high school kids with no real interest in true science -- Charlie's class to be exact -- to try and question him about InGen and Jurassic Park.
Jurassic Park. The name still left a bitter taste on his tongue. It was almost absurd that two small islands -- still off limits and long missing from the news -- still seemed to follow him. Complete strangers who recognized him rarely wanted to discuss anything else. And his reluctance to do so had only grown more virulent in the wake of Isla Sorna.
Alan shuffled the papers and sighed. The familiar dream had brought with it an equally familiar weight on his chest. Two trips to hell and back... Two trips spent fearing not only for his own life, but also for the two people closet to him -- Ellie and Billy. Ignoring the unfinished notes Alan stood and walked out onto the small balcony of his hotel room.
Ellie had wanted him to stay with her family but Alan had declined. He had known, when agreeing to the lecture, that the prospect of being questioned about the islands, would bring the memories rushing back even more so than usual. And that with them would come the nightmares. Nightmares that had come and gone over the years but never completely went away.
After Isla Nublar Alan had focused on the fact that he and Ellie had escaped, pushing everything else into the back of his mind. Even when he and Ellie had gone their separate ways it was this he clung to, to keep the nightmares at bay.
Isla Sorna... Alan pressed his eyes closed. Everything had changed after Isla Sorna and the old tricks for forgetting hadn't worked. If he were honest with himself he hadn't wanted forget. The nightmares were a small penance to pay, after all.
Billy's words that day on the platform -- never forgotten in Alan's dreams -- clung to him as heavily as the humidity that filled the night air. No matter how much time passed, Alan had only to close his eyes and he could see Billy standing there preparing to jump and save Eric. The look in Billy's eyes, hurt vying with determination, still caused Alan's stomach to turn. Knowing that he was the source of that pain.
I know the consequences.
"But I didn't," Alan whispered. Alan felt foolish for talking to himself, even though there was no one to hear him. "Not until it was too late." Resting his chin on his chest, Alan sighed.
Looking up Alan gripped the balcony rail until his knuckles turned white as he stared out into the darkening sky. He hated late evening, after the sun had set but before sleep would claim him. When everything was still and the day's work was done was when the memories of Isla Sorna -- of his foolishness -- plagued him.
Late evening was when what was became distorted into what might have been. Not a day went by, even years later, that he didn't think about Billy and question what could have been had he not been so quick to condemn Billy's actions.
For a long time after the rescue from Isla Sorna Alan had refused to talk about what had happened. Instead he had immersed himself in trying to salvage the dig. It was, after all, what he had left. It was also -- and possibly more importantly -- what Billy would have wanted. So Alan had thrown himself into the work and proceeded to ignore everything and everyone else.
Alan had been successful until the afternoon Ellie had appeared on his doorstep. He had been withdrawn and cold, knowing even as he refused her pleas for him to talk that he was hurting her. Before Isla Sorna nothing in the world would have made him willing to hurt Ellie. But that was before. Alan did his best to make her run away, but he forgot one thing: Ellie rarely ran away from anything.
So instead of being alone like he had worked hard to be, Alan found himself cradled in familiar arms. But not the right arms. As the tears he had denied since the aviary coursed down his cheeks, Alan finally admitted what he had denied for so long. What he hadn't even realized until, standing beside Eric, he spoke the words his heart wanted only to deny: "Good bye, Billy."
He loved Billy. More than he had loved Ellie. More than he ever thought possible. So much so that even time or the possibility of other lovers had yet to cause it to fade.
Alan had been wrong -- horribly wrong -- when he had accused Billy of being no better than InGen. But hurt had made him lash out and pride had made him silent. In the end, it was himself, not Billy, who was no better than InGen. Alan had been unthinking of the consequences his words would have.
I know the consequences.
Billy had known then what would most likely happen after he jumped. He had known far more than Alan had given him credit for, or even knew himself. Alan hadn't known the consequences of his cold words, the full extent of his thoughtlessness, until he felt the Pteranodons pull out his heart just as they pulled Billy to pieces.
The flying beasts pulled out his heart so that it was left behind on Isla Sorna, even while his body might venture elsewhere. It was where it belonged, though. His heart was with Billy. Forever.
End
