Ian's Jokes
Page five
To return to my page, please click here
A little boy was staying at his grandmothers house.
In the morning,his grandmother was about to take a shower and the boy asked if he could take a shower with her.
She said yes and when they got in the shower, the little boy pointed to his granny's privates and asked her what 'it' was.
"Oh, that is just my Beaver' she replied back.
Satisfied with the answer, he just replied, "Oh."
Later that week, back at his house the little boys mother was about to take a shower. He asked if he could get into the shower with her.
His mother said yes and this time he points to his mothers privates and asks, "What is that,mommy?"
His mother, a little embarrassed replies, "Why that's my Beaver, honey. Why do you ask?""Well.."says the young boy,"Grandma has a Beaver too, but I think it's dead, because it's tongue hangs out."
One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said,"Momma, how come ALL of Grandma's hairs are white?"
The psychiatrist was holding a group consultation with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he told them.
To the first one, he said, "Your obsession is eating. Why you've even named your daughter Candy."
The second, he said, was obsessed by money. "Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."At this point, the third mother arose and, taking her little boy by the hand, whispered, "Let's go, Dick."
A Husband and Wife go to the hospital to deliver their child. The doctor meets them and tells them that he has a new system that will allow the father to take part or all of the mother's labor pains.
They both agree and the delivery begins.
The doctor turns the dial to 10%, so that the father will take 10% of the mothers pain. The husband says he feels fine, so the doctor puts it up a notch.
The husband still feels fine, so the doc puts it up to 30%.
The husband still feels fine, so it goes up to 50%.
He tells the doctor, "Go ahead and put it up to 100%."
The husband still feels fine and the child is delivered and the wife felt virtually no pain at all.
The Doctor is amazed at the husband's pain threshold as most men would have keeled over and died at the 50% level.So, they both go back home with their child, where they find the milkman dead on their steps...
Six Presidents were on a sinking boat...
Ford says: "What do we do?"
Bush says: "Man the lifeboats."
Reagan says: "What lifeboats?"
Carter says: "Women first!"
Nixon says: "Screw the women."Clinton says: "You think we have time?"
On the morning show at a radio station in Chicago they play a game for prizes usually vacations and such, called "Mate Match."
The DJ's ring someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship.
If yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions that vary from couple to couple and asked for their significant others name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly then they are winners.
This particular day it got interesting:DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"?
Contestant:(laughing) Yes I do.
DJ: What is your name? First only please.
Contestant: Brian
DJ: Are you married or what Brian?
Brian: Yes.
DJ:"Yes"? Does this mean your are married?.or what? Brian?
Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.
DJ: Thank you Brian. OK, now, what is your wife's name? First only please Brian.
Brian: Sara.
DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?
Brian:(laughing) Yes she is.
DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man.
Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.
DJ: Atta boy.
Brian:(laughing sheepishly) Well.
DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?
Brian: About 10 minutes.
DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if there weren't a trip at stake.
Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.
DJ: OK. Final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm...
DJ: This sounds good Brian where was it?
Brian: Not that it was all that great just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.
DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!
Brian: On the kitchen table.
DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. (Advertisements)
DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara shall we? (touch tones *ringing*)
Clerk: Kinko's.
DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?
Clerk: This is she.
DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now
Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?
DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose.Soooooooo, do you know the rules of "Mate Match"?
Sara: No
DJ: Good.
Brian: (laughing)
Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?
Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly OK?
Sara: Oh, Brian
DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you 3 questions and if you answer what Brian has said then the 2 of you are off to Orlando Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World, Sea World and tickets to see the Orlando Magic play. Get it Sara? SARA! GET IT Orlando Magic, they are on strike Sara "helloooooo" anyone home?!?!
Sara: (laughing hard) YES, yes.
Brian:(laughing)
DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?
Sara: Oh God, Brian...this morning before Brian went to work.
DJ: What time?
Sara: About 8 I think. (sound effect) DING DING DING
DJ: Very good. Next question: How long did it last?
Sara: 12,15 minutes maybe.
DJ: hhmmmmm Background voice in studio: That's close enough. I am sure she is trying not to harm his manhood.
DJ: Well, we will give you that one. Last question: Where did you do it?
Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?!
Brian: Just tell him honey.
DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara?
Sara: Well, It's just that my mom is vacationing with us and...
DJ: SHE SAW?!?!
Sara: BRIAN?!?!
Brian: NO, no I didn't...
DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer?
Sara: Dear Lord,..I cannot believe you told them this.
Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida.
DJ: Let's go Sara we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?
Sara: In the ass.
(long pause)
DJ: We will be right back. (advertisements)
DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen. Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida.
PREVIOUS PAGE