Ian's Jokes
Page four
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By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was
taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I
don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy
guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to
tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have
complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No
problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning
the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you
sleep?" Asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed.
"No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no
time." Said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine
explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight,
beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
TOP
A wealthy socialite had a night out on the town with her friends. She awoke
the next morning, totally naked and with a monster of a hang-over. So she rang
for the butler and asked for a cup of strong black coffee. "Jeeves" she said,
"I can't remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?"
"Well,
Madam, I carried you upstairs and put you to bed"
"But my dress?"
"It
seemed a pity to crumple it, so I took it off and hung it up"
"But what
about my underwear?"
"I thought the elastic might stop the circulation, so
I took the liberty of removing them".
"What a night!" she said. "I must
have been tight!"
"Only the first time, Madam."
TOP
While away at a convention, Morris happened to meet a young lady was both
beautiful and intelligent. Later, after he had persuaded her to disrobe in his
hotel room, he discovered with delight that she had a superb body, as well.
Unfortunately, he found himself with a limp dick, unable to *perform.*
Upon his return home, the first night, Morris strode from the shower into
the bedroom, where he discovered his wife dressed in a rumpled bathrobe, hair
up in curlers, night cream slathered on her face, munching Doritos while she
flipped thru a 'Glamour' magazine.
Without warning, he felt the familiar
stirrings of a magnificent, throbbing erection.
Looking down at this spectacle, he quietly snarled, "Why, you ungrateful,
mixed-up, stupid son of a penis. .....Now I know why they call you a prick !
TOP
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.
It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. So, he
decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment,
turned the switch on and ... voila, everything else was automatic!!
He
really had good time as the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as
his wife did. When the fun was over, he found that he could not take the
instrument off.
He read the manual, but did not find any useful
information. He tried every button on the instrument, some made the equipment
squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less, but still without
success.
Panicking, he called the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. The
farmer: "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked
fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cow's udder?"
Customer Service: "Don't worry. The machine was programmed such that it
will release automatically after collecting about 2 liters of milk."
TOP
A dwarf with a lisp goes to an agricultural show to buy a mare. He wanders
around until he comes across a beautiful mare inside a small enclosure with a
farmer standing at the gate.
He goes up to the farmer and says, "Excthuth
me, can I have a look at your horth?" "Sure", says the farmer, "come on in."
The dwarf wanders round and round the mare and then stops, says to the farmer
"Her eyeth, her eyeth, I want to see her eyeth."
The farmer has to bend
down and pick up the dwarf to show him the mare's eyes. "Nith eyeth, nith
eyeth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth, I think I want to buy thith
horth."
Once again the dwarf wanders around the horse, in turn asking the
farmer to pick him up and show him the mare's ears and exclaiming, "Nith
earth, nith earth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth, I think I want to
buy thith horth." The farmer is starting to get pissed off by this stage
because the dwarf is quite heavy.
Suddenly the dwarf stops in his tracks
and says, "Her twat. her twat, I want to see her twat!" The farmer,
infuriated, picks up the dwarf and drives him head first into the mare's
backside. He leaves the dwarf's little legs kicking and wanders off to talk to
his mates for a couple of minutes. He then comes back and extracts the dwarf
from his predicament, "SCHLOOOOP!"
The dwarf wipes himself down and says. "I think I better wephrase that...
I'd like to thee her gallop!"
TOP
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. ONLY ONE!!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else
in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb
is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before
they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to
find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD
for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light
bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand
on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND
UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAMEIN.
WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A
WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET
DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!!! OUR HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN
ARMY TO CLEAN THIS
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