Ian's Jokes
Page three
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A substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Jimmy Poole, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!"
She yells, "Whose Jimmy Poole?"
This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Poole."
"Well, Jimmy, your staying after school!The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and written on it, it says, "PAYS to ADVERTISE."
One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.
Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
A few days ago, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said," All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving."
The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language."
Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip...For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll show you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then, go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. When you have your answers, tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."
Then, he runs up to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we're living with a couple of whores."
A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife "Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity."
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."
"One Sunday morning,"he continued,we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled,Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"
There was this Australian girl of 18 who was marrying this Greek chap who was 23.
The Australian girl, who was not very familiar with the Greek customs, went to a Greek priest to ask for advice. The Australian girl asked the priest whether or not she was allowed to dance with her husband to be, on their wedding night.
The Greek priest told her that it was forbidden for a couple to dance together. He went further on to say that the men dance with the men, and women dance with the women, on social occasions like this!
The Australian girl left for home a bit disappointed. The next day, she goes back to the same priest and asks him whether or not she is allowed to have sex with her husband to be, on the night of their wedding, and whether or not she is allowed to enjoy it!
Dialogue as follows: "Of course you are allowed to have sex with your husband, and enjoy it you may!", replied the priest.
"Am I allowed to be on the top when we are having sex?"
"Certainly!" "Am I allowed to be on the bottom?"
"Of course!" "Are we allowed to have sex, standing up?""No, that would lead to dancing..."
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