Ian's Jokes
Page two
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The third grade teacher was teaching her English class. She repeated to her student, "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go."
The teacher explained that this was an example of poetry, but that it could be changed to prose by changing the last line from, "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."
A few days later, the teacher asked for an example of poetry or prose.
Little Johnny raised his hand and recited, "Mary had a little pig, an ornery little runt. He stuck his nose in Mary's clothes, and smelled her little..."
He stopped short and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose. "Prose!" the teacher said weakly.So Johnny continued, "asshole."
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.
"Oh yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!"
Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:"DAMN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
A blond woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, "What is that?"
The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos."
The blond then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." So she buys one. The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blond, asks, "What is that shiny object?"
She replies "It's a thermos."
He asks, "What does it do?"
She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
He then asks, "What do you have in there?""Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."
Two Nuns Two nuns, one known as Sister Mathematical(SM) and the other known as Sister Logical(SL), went in to town to sell cookies. As it was getting dark, they were returning home, but still far from the convent.
SL: Have you noticed that man following us for the past half-hour?
SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL: He wants to rape us. It is the logical thing.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15.2 minutes. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking
faster. SM: Okay.
SM: It is not working.
SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started walking faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is to split up. You go that way and I will go this way. He cannot follow both of us.
So they split up and the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was worried because Sister Logical had not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrived.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! What happened with the man? Are you all right? SL: I am fine. The logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, and you are faster, so he followed me.
SM: So, what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing. I started to run as fast as I could.
SM: So what happened?
SL: The only logical thing. The man also started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And then?
SL: The only logical thing. He was faster, so he caught up with me.
SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?
SL: The only logical thing I could do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: You did? Oh, Sister. What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no!! What happened then?
SL: The only logical thing. A slow nun with her dress up can run a lot faster than a fast man with his pants down.
(And you thought it would be dirty! Say two "Hail Mary"s...)
The mail carrier had a registered letter that needed a signature for a party on his route. Receiving no response to his knock on the front door, he went around to the back door which he found open, except for the screen door. He knocked. A high pitch voice from inside said, "Come in."
Upon entering the kitchen, he was confronted by the largest german shepard he had ever seen. The dog bared his fangs menacingly, forcing the mail man against the wall. The mail man shouted, "Lady, call off you dog before he eats me alive." The only response he got was that same high pitch voice coming from the next room saying, "Come in."
Pressing his body against the wall, he slowly worked his way to the door way leading to the next room. Looking around, he saw the room was empty, except for a parrot in a cage. After the threat from the huge dog, he was becoming quite irate and said to the parrot, "Darn you, don't you know any words besides 'come in' ?"Without a moments hesitation the parrot responded, Sic him!"
Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".
The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...".
The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.
6:00 a.m. --------- The phone rings it's the nurse's husband wanting breakfast.
The nurse's husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.
The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you're not sanitary, you're not sanitary".
Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.
6:30 a.m. -------- The telephone operator's husband calls for breakfast.
Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.
Joe asks," What happened?
Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices." The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."
Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.
4:30 p.m. -------- The teacher's husband called for breakfast. Joe can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room.
The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.
Joe fearing the worst asked "What happened to you?
Did you have a fight?"
The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying, "We are going to do this over and over, until we get right."
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