Ian's Jokes
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A guy goes to see the doctor because he's been a little too well endowed,
shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have sex
with him. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but
sends him to see a Witch that he thinks might be able to help.
The Witch
takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond,
deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to
marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter." Worth a
try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest.
He finds the pond and
sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he
calls to the frog. The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls
back, "No!" The guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter.
Hey
this is great, he thinks- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks
the frog. The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Twitch-the
guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down
another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?"
The frog yells back, "Look -how many times do I have to tell you?" No! No!
No!"
TOP
One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids
were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were
empty food boxes and wrappers all around.
As he proceeded into the house, he
found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the
floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back
door.
The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and
a lamp had been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys,
to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that
something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with
her pajamas on, reading a book.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how is
day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked "what happened here
today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come
home from work and ask me what I did today?"
"Yes, was his reply."
She
answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"
TOP
Two nuns, Sister Jill and Sister Linda, are traveling through Europe in a
car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly,
a diminutive vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through
the windshield.
"Quick, quick!!" whines Sister Jill. "What shall I
do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on; that will get rid of the abomination,"
says Sister Linda.
Sister Jill switches them on, which knocks the vampire
about, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.
"What shall I do
now?" she whines
. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with
Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Linda.
The vampire steams as the
water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again.
"Now what?" whines
Sister Jill.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Linda.
Sister Jill opens
the window and shouts:
"GET OFF MY F**KING CAR!!"
TOP
Many years ago I was acting as the system administrator for a test system
in a large publicly held company.
Periodically I would receive a call from
someone who had not accessed the system recently, forgot their password and
locked themselves out trying to logon.
I would look up their password and
unlock the system for them and they would go on their merry way.
One day I
received a call from a young lady who was in just such a predicament. I looked
up her password and informed her that it was 'DOME' and, just to be playful,
told her the price for me being gracious enough to unlock her sign-on was an
explanation of the meaning of her password.
She became very embarrassed over
the phone and pleaded that she could never reveal her secret. I of course
replied that I would not give her system access until she did.
After
negotiating for several minutes she finally acquiesced but made me promise to
never reveal her password meaning to any of her colleagues to which I gladly
agreed.
"Well, what does it mean?", I asked.
She hesitated and then
replied, "It's two words."
There was pregnant pause. I unlocked her system
and simply said, "Have a nice day".
TOP
Phil and Bill, now in their eighties, first met in grade school. Their
relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets. One day Phil
calls Bill and says: "I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A
thousand dollars."
Bill replies, "How can that be? If you know anything
about biology you...." Phil interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture.
Mine is longer soft than yours is hard...a thousand dollars... YES OR
NO?"
Bill says, "OK OK I'll take that bet. How long is yours soft?"
Phil
answers, "Eleven years."
TOP
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough
(they could not afford a larger double wide).
So, the husband went to his
doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin
didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a
procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed
him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it,
put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The
Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see
how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help
me."
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia
physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when
he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go
home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his
ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be
wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which
point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on
his other hand....
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