«::»The Halo Technical repair Manual«::»


halo tech

«::»Sponsored by {this space for rent}«::»


Disclaimer – READ THIS FIRST ~ and if you still do what we tell you then it’s your own fault if your computer blows up or whatever and you cant sue us for it do nyah, nyah.


The halo group accepts no responsibility for any damage to software, hardware, your hairline, your pets, your close relatives (and distant ones for that matter ~ even mad old uncle Fred who no-one ever talks about) your immediate surroundings, the environment in general (hey it’s not US that are cutting down the rainforest) and any planet known or yet to be discovered that may arise from YOU following the instructions we are about to give you. By now you’ve probably given up reading this so…you slag, you whore…we hate you all…bite us…if you cant work your own bloody PC then you deserve to be taken out into the street and put down…I mean come on it’s the 21st century…Jebus  they teach 5 yr olds this stuff now…  as we point out a bit further down. We were quite pleased with the way the picture came out though. Didn’t take us half as long as we thought it would and doesn’t suck too badly either.


Emergency Repair Procedures


Quick reference


Select a link for further details of the procedure

Shout at your computer

Hit your machine

Throw your PC out of the window

Buy a {this space for rent}

Find a five-year-old child

EXTREME EMERGENCY PROCEDURES



1.               Shout at your computer the more foul the language the better ~ e.g. ~ “Work properly you G**-Damn piece of S**t”…In extreme cases a more harsh attitude can be taken although we do recommended using appropriate safety equipment before proceeding with the following phrase ~”Mother-F*****G, B*****D, C**Ting Machine, I knew I should have bought that {this space for rent} Machine instead of this cheap piece of Mother-F*****G, s**t eating one.


2.           Hit your machine – We here at Halo recommend a bit of a slap for a desktop PC or a good swift kick if you have a tower machine…please note this may stop your PC functioning all together so use caution and restraint…i.e. don’t hit it too hard…well not at first anyway.


3.            Throw your PC out of the window – This may seem a bit extreme but you would be surprised just how many problems this can solve. WARNING – this may damage your PC or anyone who happens to be below your window…so take extreme care if attempted…no one likes a PC dropped on their head…or a lawsuit for said dropping of PC on head…specially not us…we just hope the judge accepts we did it the name of science and research for this document.


4.           Buy a {this space for rent}  - We all know they are cheaper and more reliable but we just don’t admit it to ourselves that we should have gotten one of these in the first place then we wouldn’t have any of these problems


5.           Find a five year old child we all know they are the only people in a household that know how this kind of thing works properly anyway…I mean they can use the VCR and even set the damn timer without crying and throwing things across the room and just giving up.


6.           EXTREME EMERGENCY PROCEDURES This procedure should NOT be attempted unless all else fails…it is dangerous and costly and should be supervised by at least seven adults all with good standing in the local community…YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED…we can barely bring ourselves to say it….but here goes…


Call Technical support



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