I'm starting to feel like I'm just 1 big fucking joke to someone. That person knows who they are.. but of course they will probably never see this ... such a shame.
I'm a fucking door mat. God, I fucking like the abuse. It irritates me to no end but what reason other than I like it would explain why I keep going back for more. I'm not into abuse like getting a dominatrix and having her stomp my nuts with her high heeled shoes. But apparently I like being mind fucked on a constant basis. I can't understand why I keep going back for this shit.
My temper is really bad. Right now I would love nothing more than to pound the fuck out of this keyboard. For every ounce of violence I have in me, I have "almost" an equal amount of restraint. Every so often it just builds up to a point where I feel by hitting a wall or something it'll make me feel better. I got to the point where poi was no longer just for meditation. It was there to cause me the physical pain I needed to make me lose that "invincible" feeling you get when your extremely angry. I would purposely spin at excessive speeds just so when the ropes made contact with my hands I would receive numerous little rope burns.... I Have a total of ohhh 17 little scars now that are trying their best to heal.
My head hurts so much right not,,, not even like a head ache hurt,,, I just keep getting these really sharp pains in the corner of my eyes and right above my nose.
Fuck this shit.
