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Inner Demons



I am no longer happy with who I am.
I don't know how much of me is really me or just a false person who tries to make people happy.
Am I really the funny kid everyone knows or am I the kid who goes home and broods in his room trying to figure out why he is here.
Am I the person who was made fun of all his life or am I the front i created to deal with those people.

I question why I am here. What is my purpose?

The only time I am happy lately is when i am alone with my GF and i can really feel her care about me, or when i am spinning. When i spin i close my eyes and picture myself somewhere else, somewhere where there is no one there to criticize me, say I'm a loser for expressing myself how i know how. I'm rarely as happy as i am when i am spinning alone.

Work sucks. I can't understand why i haven't quit yet. Everytime i'm there i curse it.

I don't driue. I'm 18 and i don't drive. And on this godforsaken island if you don't drive you can't do shit. My GF likes to go out on the weekends because the rest of the week she has to stay in and do school work or actually go to her job. So on weekends she likes to go out. How can i take her out without relying on freinds? Her "guy" friends drive and can bring her places if she wants to go out. But her "boyfreind" can't. She says it's OK if we just relax at her house. BULLSHIT. I can believe that for about 10 minutes but then I realize that she's just trying to make me happy. Just saying that to make me happy doesn't make me happy. I know she would want to go out and she's not happiest sitting at home watching a movie or such. What would make me happy is making her the happiest. But without a liscence that ain't gonna happen.

People know me as a sarcastic bastard always tellin stories or having something witty to say. Don't you realize thats alot of fucking work? If I acted like myself you'd be bored outa your mind within 5 minutes. The real me likes to joke around a little and just relax. Become comfortably numb. But if i go and tell anyone that they give me a wierd look and can't understand how someone could actually be like that. Not everyone likes to go out all the time. Hell sometimes a person would actually just stay at home and watch TV. Who the fuck created this image that people always have to be going out to be having fun. Sitting with a few friends playin cards or a video game ain't "cool"( yeah thats right i said video games).

"I'M SICK OF BEING JUDGED ,, LET ME SEE YA JUDGE"--EMINEM

Friends are the only thing that keep me sane sometimes. I would say out of all of them only 3 really know me for me. They are the only ones i can have normal conversations with and tell em exactly how i feel without having to wonder if they aren't gonna like it, cause if they don't like it they aren't gonna just stop talking to me. With my GF , i'm not sure if i'm completely being myself yet. Why should i put on a show for her? Because i feel if i don't she's not really gonna like me. I sumtimes really hate how our relationship is. But honestly I really don't want to be without her. She's a really good person. Her humour just hits me hard sometimes.

I don't understand why people can see shit in me i can't even see. They say I'm cute. Don't believe it. They say i'm smart. Don't believe it. They say i have talent. Besides spinning, i got none. Maybe i'm to hard on myself. I don't want to think like this.

But when people disrespect the things you hold close to you it hurts. If i cry does that make me less of a man? If i go and punch a wall till my knuckles bleed does that make me more of a man? Who are you to define what makes me a man or not? Who made you my god?

I can take only so much. When you say something about my clothes or MY OLD JACKET(or as somepeople like to say my "shirt")realize that it might be funny the first time,but after 5,6 times it's just getting old. If you don't like how i dress and dont' want to be seen with me looking like that, FUCK OFF. That just shows your the shallow one. If you make a joke about me have enough fucking ballz to say it to my face so maybe i can at least get a good laugh about it or say sumthing back. Saying it in secret only shows that you are the weak one. Does throwing rocks at me make you better than me? Do you throw the rocks because you have such a shit life making mine hell makes you feel better?

Even though i doubt myself worth constantly and can't understand why I have friends or a beautiful GF. I have just enough pride in myself to not end it. Suicidal is something i am not. I have to believe something will turn right for me eventually. And why would i hurt the ones who really do love me by ending it? Doesn't make sense. I won't feel better cause i'm dead, and the people who really care won't feel good either. Hurting people intentially isn't something i like to do.

Basically this wasn't written to make anyone think, or laugh. It was written so i don't have to keep it inside. I don't know,,,, i think i'm done for now.

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