Trial by Tire

 

I've been taking Driver's Ed.

I'll give you time to stop laughing.

 

...

 

Thanks. Obviously, those of you who have not taken Driver's Ed. have heard what a horrible course it is and those of you that have taken it know how horrible a course it is. But it has become part of everyone's summer since that fabled day when, with Henry Ford looking on with pride, the first Model T came off the assembly line... ran over a nun and slammed into a fruit stand.

 

"Guess we never taught anyone how to drive these things." Ford noted.

 

But learning how to control a car isn't that bad, is it? In reality it is nothing more than another appliance you use in your everyday life, right? I mean, you had trouble using your toaster the first few times, right? But now you know just when every nook and cranny of your English muffin has been toasted just right. Right? Right?

 

My turn to laugh. You know that sometimes, no matter how careful you are, you end up with English black carbon. Sure, a car is an appliance, but you can end up doing more than just burning your biscuits if you mess up with it! Not that I'm saying toasters can't be lethal, too, but not so much as where a Toaster's Ed. would be needed. So that's why I've been spending three beautiful summer mornings each week with Mr. Zanghi, my Driver's Ed. teacher.* During the school year, Mr. Zanghi is the Chemistry teacher. When he's in his room wearing "teacher-wear" (a line of educational apparel designed to be as ugly as possible, yet still retain some sort of formality) under his labcoat, he's a stern and threatening force. I wasn't too pleased when I discovered he was going to teach us how to use a car, but in Driver's Ed. he's an entirely different person! Laid-back, funny! Know why? He wears jeans and a T-shirt to every class! At least that's the only reason I can see why, so I feel we should all petition to make casual wear the dress code. Except for tight shorts, of course. That would make them all act like gym teachers, and we definitely don't want that.

 

Anyway, in the classroom we are taught the methods of driving by exremely old slide shows and film strips. I mean these are old. You can tell by the "Schoolhouse Rock"-like animation and the cost of gas in the background of one film ($0.32!). I've heard that some classes show horribly graphic, "high impact" videos featuring real pictures of people impaled by guardrails, people gone through windshields, and a body part grab bag across the interstate. Naturally, I was sort of looking forward to these, but we haven't had any yet. All of our films have been rather low impact, like a peanut bouncing off your forhead. This is probably a good thing because really, do "high impact" videos teach people to be more careful on the road more than they teach them that cars are evil and you should just stay in your house for the rest of your life? If "high impact" videos were shown everywhere, the only ones that would want to drive would be the video game-immersed freaks who adore gore. Hello Carmageddon! At the end of each class we take tests on what we were supposed to read the night before (such inspirational chapters as "How Vision Affects Your Ability to Drive" and "Waiting for Help").

 

HANDY TEST TIP: The answer to every test question is either "All of the above" or the answer that isn't stupid.

 

But class is only half the fun. The other half consists of actually driving. First my driving group and I (two girls and myself) had some basic rules explained to us. Actual quote: "I'm only telling you this because it happens. Pleas make sure you are cleaned and well-groomed before coming up here to drive." I was glad I only have girls in my group then because guys, you know that sometimes we, well... really stink.

 

Actually in the car, we are taught maneuvers in the school parking lot and then try them out on the road. I live in a rural area--one car passes every five days--so there isn't really any risk. But then sometimes Zanghi goes, "Today, we're going to drive in <random WNY city>!" Each one of us, usually groggy from having to get up at the inane hour of 8 a.m., instantly starts to spasm. When it's our turn we grip the wheel, eyes wide, unblinking, looking for anything in a half-mile that may dart out in front of us. Any movement we see WHAM! we hit the brakes. It's not our fault. We're rural. Furthermore, we are fined a small amount of money for every mistake we make. So not only Zanghi, but the other two are sitting poised, staring at the driver, just waiting for him or her to signal too early then WHAM! fine. It's all very nerve-racking, but it's just preparation for the road test, taken in the city with instructors who wear the epitomies of formal and ugly!

 

And that's what Driver's Ed is: Better learning through paranoia.

 

 

 

*That's three more beautiful summer mornings I would see than during a normal summer.

**"Teacher-ware" is anything formal and ugly. This includes the pink sweater with burgandy pants he wore one day.