Raincheck for Destruction

 

Many out there are annoyed--even infuriated--that we still don't know who the new leader of the free world is. But while the rest of the country screams at the vote counter(s) in Florida to hurry the heck up already gosh darnit and select our president already for the love of Mike you people are idiots down there blah blah and so on... I heavilly encourage The Sunshine State to take as much time as it needs, for I am in absolutely no hurry for a destructive force in the White House just yet.

 

I am not saying that I still want Clinton in there by any means. Sure, we may have progressed into one of the greatest economic surplusses in our history, but he couldn't possibly have contributed much to that effort while playing grab-ass with every parent's dream, Monica Lewinsky and others. Actually, if you want to think about something scary, what if it was solely Clinton that had given us our good times? If he had really spent his full time as president and not fooling around with cigars and Big Macs, we would all be living like kings and queens* right now, instead of sitting on our butts eating out of fruit cups and playing Double Dragon II on our old-school Nintendos**.

 

But no matter which way you think about it, Clinton was a loser and so are our next choices. I needn't tell you much about our candidates that you don't already know, especially about their takes on various, influential issues. You do know their takes on various, influential issues, don't you? Yes! Right! Of course you don't know! The average American doesn't know! Heck, I'm writing this commentary pretending that I am an expert on the election while I don't even know!

 

...

 

Uh, let's just move on, shall we? While no one really knows issues, or background, or any possible affiliations with mad scientists or drug cartels, what everyone does know about the two main candidates are their stereotypes! Gore, being the current vice-president,  is generally regarded as a sort of useless utility--one that, while nice to have, is very rarely used. Think of a drapery attachment for a vacuum cleaner and you will get the idea. Gore's job has mostly been to attend funerals of dead, inpronouncable world leaders and to get in helicopters and frown concernably while looking down high over disaster areas. Every so often he got to break a tie vote in the Senate, but most of his time was spent wandering the halls of the Vice President's house*** and hoping that Clinton would be hit by a meteor or lightning or anything that would just get the man out of the Oval Office, just so he would have something to do. As an individual, Gore has been known to be a rather stiff, unmoving man. That would have been until the Democratic National Convention, where after his amorous advance toward wife Tipper he became known as a stiff man that sometimes takes amorous advances toward his wife Tipper. But Gore's physical freeze is nothing compared to the permanent ice-cream headache known as George W. Bush. I once thought that back in 1992, after the wrath of stupidity Vice-President Dan Quayle wrought upon human kind ended, that the Republicans promised never to place anyone that stupid on their ticket ever again. But I guess they forgot, because this man drops a brain cell about every two seconds. The very opening of his mouth ensures at least half a page of material for humorists and comedians alike, but from the looks of the recent Republic National Hoedown, many have an undying support for him. Have you ever read "A Sound of Thunder" by Ray Bradbury, in which a man accidentally kills a butterfly back in the prehistoric era, and then returns to find out that everything is spelled wrong and that someone horrible has taken control of the free world? Well I'm gonna find that guy and show him what for , I'll tell you that!

 

Oh yes, I almost forgot the Vice-Presidential nominees. One is a Jew, and the other's wife carries a defribulator in her purse at all times. Coincidentally enough, it's a side-by-side comparrison of the effects of eating too little or too much pork!

 

I won't talk about Buchanan or Nader. You never cared about them enough anyway to find out a lick about them! One of them may have been more intelligent than what we will have now.+  One of them may even have developed solutions to world hunger and poverty! But do you think they'll tell you now? Ha!

 

Of course, we don't really have anyone to blame for this disaster other than ourselves, the public. My mother doesn't take kindly to my constant ridicule of the candidates, and one time reprimanded me for "disresepecting the men of which one will become our leader." I looked back at her and kindly asked, "But just whose fault is that?", and for once I actually rendered my mom speechless. It wasn't quite a victory though, since she gave me one of those looks in the mother arsenal that are normally reserved for when you accidentally launch nuclear missiles against France. It must be asked, though: Will future generations learn from our political mistakes and avoid this catastrophe, granted that there will still be a future after this? If it is any indication, a friend of mine recently asked an elementary student who they would vote for. The child replied, "Gore, because Bush wants to take away our guns!"

 

I understand that Canada is quite a superb country...   

 

 

*Or to put it more modernly, Gates' and Nicole Smiths!

**Not that I'm saying that isn't a good way to spend an evening...

***Do they even get houses?

+In reality that's more like a given, don't you think?