Bad Morning America

 

Some mornings there are people who rise with the first rays of the sun; people who feel refreshed, full of vigor, and ready to take on whatever may face them with some kind words and a smile. The rest of us would like to kill these people, but can only muster enough energy to attack the snooze button. We all can say that we've had times where we've feared entering the light; days where you just know that everything will go wrong with the disappearance of the last toaster strudel. Whether we hide our anger and frustration behind a coat of false cheerfulness or kindly smear our problems into the faces of those around us depends on what kind of people we are (i.e. Jerks). But there are a group of people who have no choice in the issue. They must always be up and perky in the morning because millions of people are depending on them to be so. They are the morning show people, and they will never get fed up with anything.

 

Right?

 

(Bright yet informationally serious music plays as the screen flashes through pictures of trees, farms, graffiti-free fountains, etc... The scene switches to fanatical people shouting and waving signs outside, then turns to the studio, where it focuses on our hosts.)

 

CHUCK: Hello, and welcome to "Sun-Up Edition Today". We're glad you can join us on such a fair morning. I'm Chuck Gabson, and with me as always is Josie Paris.

 

JOSIE: (mutters something to herself, then looks up cheerfully) Ah-yes, always. Good morning, everyone.

 

CHUCK: Now for today's top stories.

(reads off the prompter)

 Doctor's are still not completely sure as to the cause of the epidemic known as the "San Fernando Flu." Although not fatal, it's symptoms include a high fever, rash, and vomiting.

 

JOSIE: They certainly do, Chuck. My little Brandon was up all last night with it, the poor child. And of course I wasn't able to get a bit of sleep with him puking his--um--

(clears her throat and looks at the prompter)

Health officials are still investigating, but are fairly certain that the disease is transmitted only through one carrier: rats.

(chokes) Rats?!

 

CHUCK: Okay, let's check this morning's traffic with Bill Anderson. Bill?

 

BILL: Things are looking great today as traffic is just beginning to build up on the Los Angeles Thruway, and--

 

JOSIE: Bill, you don't happen to see a bright blue Chevy sedan all the way up there, do you?

 

BILL: Um, I can't say I do, but--

 

JOSIE: (fake sweetness) That's too bad. If you did I would have liked you to fly low and drop a camera on the rude little skate punk who cut me off this morning. If you're watching from the run-down Dominos you probably work at, you know who you are and let me say I'm not going to forget your ugly, ring-filled face the next time around.

 

CHUCK: (nervously tries to cover) Heh, Josie. Ever the comedian. I... uh...

(is handed a sheet of paper)

This just in! China has finally forgiven President Hudson for accidentally hitting the signal to launch nuclear warheads against them. It seems they were finally convinced that he thought that big red button called up lunch, eh Josie?

 

(He grins at Josie, but quickly turns his attention to the desk as he finds she is not amused.)

JOSIE: Remember that 5-night expose on Hudson I spent two weeks creating, only to have the producer dump it for "Focus on Barnyard Animals"?

(CHUCK doesn't speak)

Well, it would have shown how much of AN IDIOT he is! I could've won a Pulitzer for it, if it weren't

for--

 

CHUCK: That's very interesting Josie. Well, I digress.

 

JOSIE: (glares at Chuck) You can't digress.

 

CHUCK: What?

 

JOSIE: You can't digress! You weren't even talking! Man, you always do this! Who made you the Big Digressor of the Newsroom?!

 

CHUCK: I-I-... Let's *please* head outside with Weatherman Pete!

(Viewers see Chuck make frantic signals to someone off camera before it changes over to a view outside of   

 

PETE: Well--

 

JOSIE: WAIT!! Who's that kid behind you?

 

PETE: (points to a guy with blue hair and a face full of piercings) Who, him?

 

JOSIE: Hey, that's the jerk who cut me off this morning!

(The guy turns and frantically pushes his way out through the crowd.)

 

CHUCK: (shaking his head) Oh, no...

 

JOSIE: (jumps up over the desk and starts yelling at the camera) Yeah, you better run you needle-poked freak! If I ever see you again I'll... I'll... I HOPE YOU GET BIT BY A RAT!!!

 

CHUCK: You can't act like this Josie! You're on "Sun-Up Ed--

 

JOSIE: Oh, Sun-up yours, CHUCKIE!

 

CHUCK: Sit down!

(manages to grab her and force her back into the seat) Now take a deep breath... in... out... Repeat after me: I am a journalist. I can handle anything.

 

JOSIE: I am a journalist...

 

CHUCK: (pats her gently) Good... good. Now on to financial news.

 

(Josie rolls her eyes.)

 

CHUCK: Er--I mean, political news.

 

JOSIE: (sneering) HA!

 

CHUCK: Lord help me... (sighs) You know what? Let's just skip the news and bring out our first guest, Martha Stewart!

 

JOSIE: YEEEEARGHH!

 

(The screen is replaced with a smiling sun and the words "We are currently experiencing some technical diffuculties. Have a bright and sunny day!")