An Exhaustive Study on Student Insomzzz…

 

In what may come as a surprise to anyone still conscious enough to read these words, many college students aren’t receiving their required amounts of sleep.

 

This startling revelation is brought to us by the National Sleep Foundation, a group that literally gets paid by the government to watch you while you’re sleeping. According to a recent study in which they analyzed the average amounts of drool left on classroom desks every morning by bleary-eyed students, the foundation has concluded that an unhealthy number of us are suffering from insomnia.

 

“Oh yes, and some of you aren’t brushing your teeth.” they managed to add.

 

This, of course, comes as no surprise. On mornings when I’m observant enough to avoid walking into trees, I can see everyone else shuffling along like the walking dead, heading somewhere in the general vicinity of their 8:00 classes. Some of you are still in your pajamas even, and with what you wear to bed you better be downright thankful that no one else is able to comprehend anything beyond “left foot, right foot, repeat.” Yes, the time has certainly come for us to buck our sleep-depriving lifestyles and arrive to our morning classes bright and chipper to be put to sleep by our professors like nature intended us to!

 

The first step to better sleep is determining just how many hours you need to feel refreshed. You can easily test this yourself by going to bed at a certain hour, then noting how many hours it takes before you are willing to get out of the bed and continue life. For some of you, it will be as few as five. Others may need a calendar to keep track. Either way, it will be a number more than the amount of sleep you are getting now.

 

The next step is to determine just what is hindering your peaceful slumber time. The National Sleep Foundation suggest stress and caffeine as possible causes of insomnia, but I fear they do not consider another popular college sleep deterrent, as illustrated by this all too common dialogue:

 

CONCERNED STUDENT: Gee, if I don’t pass this test tomorrow morning, I’m going to fail the course. Then I’ll never become a translator, and that means Little Billy will never have enough money for his iron lung! And my parents will lose the farm! And Fluffy won’t be able to--

BUDDY: Hey, wanna get drunk?
CONCERNED STUDENT: Okay!

 

Since asking everyone to stop partying would be like asking KISS to tone down on their eyeliner, I have come up with a compromise that should suit the masses well: herbal beer. It is a well known fact that many people use natural herbs in teas to help them sleep. Why can’t these qualities be infused into a brew so that, while you’re wrapped around the toilet vomiting, you will at the same time be gently lulled to sleep by soothing Chamomile? If this becomes successful, then expect to see beers with the power of Ginseng to provide energy while you lie unconscious in a trashcan, and Gingko Biloba to enhance the memories of any brain cells that haven’t been destroyed. I’ve already called Drew Carey, and he says he’s working on it.

 

Anyway, I hope you can find your way to fulfilling your required rest needs. Sleep is vitally important to all of us functioning properly, and should never be taken for granted. Now please wipe your drool off the paper.