Well, boys and girls, I'm back and ready to rant. Today, we're going to tackle a shitty little product that I encountered when I was in england (yes, I know, lucky bastard me). So now I ask you the obvious question: "Wanna see my wigglee?"
In order to fully appreciate just how much these things suck, you'd have to see one:
Pretty "impressive", huh? That's the idea. These marvels of engineering (allow me a moment to mop up the simmering puddle of sarcasm) are made by Pocko's. In case you didn't notice from the above image, these things are basically nothing more than a piece of fluff with eyes (they couldn't even spring for googly eyes, damnit!). Their "magical" movement is achieved through the simple mechanism of a piece of "invisible" fishing wire.
I first came into contact with one of these hellspawn when I took my brother and sister around the Sea Life centre near my great aunt's house. After seeing all sorts of fishies, my brother and sister were immediately distracted by a colourful display and a TV screen. On the screen, a con artist skillfully manipulated one of these shitspawn over a hat, through a glass and over his fingers to the delight of a small boy. Yes, this guy was showing his wigglee to a small boy. Naturally they absolutely HAD to have one, so I was beset with a chorus of "can I get one? I'll pay you back!" Not being their dad, of course I said yes, just so I could do a rant on one of 'em. The real genius of the ploy: I didn't have to spend a cent.
I feel bad letting my brother and sister be ripped off like they were, now that I look back. These things were damn expensive. They cost one pound and 35 pence. Here, look, I'll even show you:
That translates to about $3.40 Canadian. $3.40 for something that I could have MADE for them for about 20 cents tops, and they'd even have googly eyes, rather than those crappy faux-felt print eyes. Pocko, you bastard!
Of course, if you're me, these pieces of crap are well worth the price once you see the packaging. Here, for your viewing pleasure, I'll show some of the better parts of the package.
Besides the title (which you've already seen), the thing that catches your eye first is this:
Shit! Look at this kid! Does he look evil or what! I mean, hair like he spends his free time licking electrical sockets, bushy eyebrows narrowing to an evil glare... he looks like bart simpson if he were crudely drawn and gay. Hell, 'nuff said. I'll pause while you get over your laughter... Better?
So you flip it over, and you see, touted on the back, all the "magical" things that this wigglee can do. (note that nowhere does it mention the fishing wire).
Almost looks like it should be real, right? Again, 'nuff said.
Finally, we see a glimpse of wigglee's personality. Not only is he whiny, but he's a cocky little bastard too.
I think you can guess what I did. That's right, I got him wet. Unfortunately, the universe didn't end, the world didn't blow up... hell, the bloody thing didn't even spontaneously combust! All it did was get wet and look slightly spikier and bedraggled. I didn't feel like wasting film on such an unsatisfying result.
Anyway, that's pretty much my ordeal with the wigglees. I showed off how crappy it is, we had some laughs, I got to make some off-colour wigglee jokes... quite a satisfying rant, actually. But caveat emptor, stay away from these things. They get old fast.
Mark Edwards is of to buy some fish wire and make a fortune!!!
Magic Wigglees are made by Pocko's. www.pockos.com
