Jokes

5. If your wife comes out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?

Made her chain too long!

6. A man was constipated. It was serious, so he decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor said "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll put one in now and I'll give you another one for later."

The man goes home and starts feeling sick again. He asks has his wife to put a suppository in.

She puts one hand on his shoulder and sticks the suppository in.

"AAAAAAAHHHHH!" he screamed.

His wife asks him, "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?"

"No, I just realized that the doctor had both of his hands on my shoulders!"

6. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

7. After marrying a young beautiful girl, a ninety-year-old man told his doctor that they were expecting a child.

"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "There was an absent-minded fellow who went hunting one day, and instead of taking a gun, brought his umbrella. Before he realized his error, a bear charged him. He aimed his umbrella at the bear, shot and killed him on the spot."

"That's impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear!"

"Exactly!" replied the doctor

8. MESSAGE TO DR. RUTH Dear Dr Ruth, I'm writing to tell you my problem. It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing; Ironing, Washing dishes, Sweeping, even doing E-Mail on AOL, etc. I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld ;;'cinsely ous mdyl

9. A scientist was successful in cloning himself.

He was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.

The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded to the podium. The clone sat at the end of the head table. The scientist began the speech intending a tribute to the advances in the field of modern biology.

"My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone sprang to his feet and shouted out, "He's an ASSHOLE!". The crowd began to murmur as the scientist commanded the clone to "Sit down and shut-up!" Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow scientists..." Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "This dumb ASS couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent SON-OF-A-BITCH!".

Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window.

The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and were explained the events that had transpired.

The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest you." The scientist replied, "For what? I have committed no crime. What fell from the window was a clone, not a person." The attending scientists nodded in agreement. "Well," retorted the police chief, "we cannot let this heinous act go unchallenged."

The police chief thought for a moment and then ordered the scientist held, for "Making an obscene clone fall...."

10. A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

11. A dog with one leg walks into a western bar and says to the bartender......

"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw...."

12. God is talking to one of his angels.

He says, "Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth."

The angel says, "What are you going to do now?"

God says, "Call it a day."

13. This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.T

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

14. A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mom am I a real polar bear?" "Of course you are." His mother replied. The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?" "Yes, you are a real polar bear."

A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said his parents.

Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all real polar bears." Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother. "Because," said the young polar bear,"I'm fucking freezing!

15. This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

16. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."

17. One night, after closing time a barman is sitting at his bar minding his own business, when the ghost of a dog floats in through the door. The barman, being an exceptionally cool kind of guy, asks, "Yeah, what do you want?" The spectral hound explains, in a haunting voice, "I have lost my tail and cannot rest and must roam the Earth until a kindly barman stitches it back on for me".

At this request the barman stands back astonished and says to the phantom dog, "Sorry, but we don't re-tail spirits at this time of night".

18. A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,"Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

19. A white horse walked into a bar and the barman said, "I don't believe it, we have got a whiskey named after you,

and the horse replied, "What Dave???"

20. I went into one of those Irish pubs the other day and had a glass of coke, I aksed the barman for some ice but he said they didn't have any because they didn't have the recipe.

21. A young woman, visiting her doctor, said "There's something wrong, my entire body hurts!", "What do you mean?" asked the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her finger and said, "That hurts!" She touched her left cheek and said, "That hurts, too!" She touched her chest and said, "Even that hurts!"

The doctor sighed, and ask the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Why, yes!" she said. "I thought so," replied the doctor. "I think you've sprained your finger."

22. What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?

a wonkey.

23. What's yellow and smells of bananas

monkey sick

24. Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.

With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.

He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.

25. Why does it take seven people to give a redneck a shower?

Three to hold him down, and four to spit on him.

26. A man walks into a bar and orders up 10 shots of whiskey, then sat there and drank them one after another.

The bartender commented, "When a man drinks like that, he must have something on his mind."

The man replied, "Yes, I just found out that my oldest son was gay!" He finishes his drinks and leaves.

A couple days later he comes back in and orders up 20 shots of whiskey.

"What's the matter now?" asks the bartender.

"I just found out that my other son was gay also!" He finishes his drinks and leaves.

About a week later he comes in and orders up 30 shots.

The bartender says, "Doesn't anyone in your family like pussy?"

The man replied, "Yes, my wife!"

27. One night as Bob was at one of his friends home for a dinner party, he is introduced to a "Former American Ambassador" from Japan.

Bob turned to the Japanese ambassador and whispered, "When was your last election?"

The Japanese ambassador turned bright red and whispered back, "Before bleakflast...."

28. Why do women have legs?

29. A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"ONE PENNY?!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"4 cents", the bartender replies.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the man who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

30. Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street.

"Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "Where you beena fora da passa two weeks? No one seena you around."

"Don'na talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna da jail."

"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you beena inna jail?"

"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna da beach, anna da cops come, arresta me and atrow me inna jail!"

"But dey donna trow you inna jail just for lying onna da beach!" Luigi countered.

"Yeah, but dissa beach was ascreamin' and akickin' and a yellin'."

31. A young courting couple are out for a romantic walk along a leafy country lane.

They walk hand in hand and, as they stroll, the young man's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when the young woman says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to have a piss."

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a hedge.

She nods in agreement and disappears behind the hedge.

As he waits, he can hear the sound of tight white panties sliding down voluptuous legs and he imagines what loveliness is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, and touches her smooth, bare leg. He gently brings his hand further up to her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He Gasps in horror, "My God Mary have you changed your sex!?"

"No," she replies, "I've changed my mind. I'm having a shit instead."

32. Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn't budget.

33. An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer, and ripped one loose.

Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to sniff, and the Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"

"Well, yes I do," he replied.

"What does it smell like?"

The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kinda smells like someone shit in a pine tree."

34. A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on.

A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today.

The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.

The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money before tying the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.

The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.

As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there."

"He's not really all that smart," the owner replied.

"This is the second time this week he forgot his key."

34. It was July 4th and this guy was roasting a chicken on a rotisserie and had begun to hand-crank it to ensure all areas were evenly done. It was now getting golden brown and juices were causing some flames to lick the chicken as he turned it.

Just then, a drunk stumbled into the guy's yard, looked at the scene and exclaimed, "Hey buddy, not only is your music box not making any music, but your monkey's on fire!"

35. A duck hunter is out one day having no luck. He hunts the whole morning and couldn't get a single kill. On the way home he comes up to a farm house and flying over the barnyard is a big flock of fat mallards.

Seeing his last chance for success, he takes aim at what looked like the biggest duck in the flock and gave it both barrels. The duck fell from the sky and lands in the middle of the barnyard. As the hunter nears the barnyard and the dead duck, he sees he's got himself a beauty. But when he is a mere 20 paces from the duck, a farmer steps out of the barn, picks up the duck and heads for the house.

"Hey!" said the hunter, "Come back with my duck!"

"Your duck?" replies the farmer, "It was lying dead in my barnyard; it's MY duck."

"No! No! You don't understand, shouts the hunter, "I shot it and it just happened to fall here. It's mine!"

"Okay, city fella. We'll settle this the country way," says the farmer.

"Country way? What's that?" says the hunter.

"We take turns hitting each other as hard as we can," says the farmer. "Last man standing wins the duck.... That is, unless you're Yella."

"Of course I'm not yellow," says the hunter.

"Fine. Country way it is," says the farmer. "Since we're on my property, I'll go first." With that, the farmer takes a half step back steadies himself, and kicks the hunter square in the groin as hard as he can. The hunter gasps, screams like an animal, falls on the ground, curls up in a knot, turns 3 shades of purple, and nearly dies.

After a full half hour and with considerable difficulty, the hunter straightens up, gasps again, in a high strained voice says, "Now... my... turn!

The farmer reply: "Nah, I give up. Here's your duck."

36. A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later he received this report:

Most honorable sir: You leave the house. I watch house. He comes to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree-look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with ME. Fall out of tree, not see.

37. One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here... you a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca... We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!

Guy: Gee that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it!

Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow... that's... awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt... well, you're dead anyhow.

Demon: You into drugs?

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...

Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want - you're dead who cares! O.D.!!

Guy: WOW!! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!

Demon: You gay?

Guy: No...

Demon: "Ooooh," (grimaces) "You're gonna hate Fridays."

38. Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men NOW walk several yards behind their wives.

Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," she said. "What enabled women here to achieve this role reversal?

The Kuwaiti woman replied, "land mines!"

39. Two men were golfing one summer day. As one is about to step up on the 18th green and attempt a putt, they notice a funeral procession drive by on the nearby road. The golfer steps back form his putt, removes his hat, and bows his head to show respect for the deceased.

After the processions has passed, he replaces his cap and sinks his putt. His playing partner is impressed by this show of respect, and makes a note to mention it.

Afterwards, as the golfers relax in the clubhouse with a drink while they total the day's scores, the second golfer mentions the events on the 18tgh hole. "You know, Fred, that was a very decent thing you did, showing respect like that. I was touched."

Fred simply shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Well, it was the least I could do...after all, I was married to her for nearly 40 years."

40. What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Bunny farts.

41. How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?

Two: One to eat, and one to watch for cars.

42. What do you call a man with a 1-inch prick?

Justin.

43. Why do sluts always have belly-button rings?

They need somewhere to hang the air freshener!

44. This fellow's wife was very flat chested. He came home from work one day and to his utter amazement, there was his wife with a pair of 44" breasts. He said, "My gosh, Martha, what happened?" She said "Honey, I was making myself look all pretty for you and I was looking in the mirror behind the door, and I said to it, 'Mirror, mirror behind the door, make my tits size 44', and BOOM, look at the size of these suckers!"

The fellow was just overwhelmed. He ran upstairs, jumped into the shower, combed his hair, stood there looking at himself and his little thing hanging there. He said to the mirror, "Mirror, mirror behind the door, make my dick touch the floor," and BOOM! His legs fell off.

44. What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?

A wind tunnel.

45. The Perfect Day for Her:

08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses

08:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday

08:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants

09:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil

10:00 Light work-out at club with handsome, funny personal trainer

10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and blow dry

12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs

13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit

15:00 Nap

16:00 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer

16:15 Gentle game of Tennis, followed by a soothing massage

17:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror

19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing

22:00 Hot shower (alone)

22:30 Make love

23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day for Him:

06:00 Alarm

06:15 Blow-job

06:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of The Sun

07:00 Breakfast, bacon, sausage and eggs, toast and coffee

07:30 Limo arrives

07:45 Blow Job enroute to airport

08:15 Private jet to St Andrews, Scotland

09:30 Limo to St Andrews Golf Club

09:45 Golf

11:45 Lunch, burger, chips and ketchup, 3 Heinekens

12:15 Blow-job

12.30 More golf

14:15 Limo back to airport (more beer & enroute Blow-job)

14:30 Private jet, to Dublin (nap)

15:30 Late afternoon Guiness drinking with all female (topless) crowd

17:00 jet back home, massage & hand job enroute by naked girls

18:45 Shit, shower and shave

19:30 Dinner, even more beer, 20 oz. Steak

21:00 Brandy and Cuban Partagas cigar

21:30 Sex with three women

23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi

23:45 Bed (alone)

23:50 12 second, 4 octave fart, dog leaves the room

23:55 Giggle yourself to sleep

47. A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says,

"Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says,

"OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

51. Dear Son, I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you first left. Your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days this time.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know if you are an Aunt or an Uncle.

Not much more news this time, write soon. Love, Mom

P.S. Was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed.

52. A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David.

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family- oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them.

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food.

The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."

Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! You are all wrong about what the writings say. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrew is not read from left to right, but from right to left. Look again. ... It now says: "Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman!"

55. Did you hear about the man who drowned in his muesli?

He got pulled under by a strong currant!

56. A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a young woman on his back. "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked.

"I'm a snail." The bloke replied.

"What a load of crap!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that young woman on your back?"

"You've got it wrong, mate," the bloke replied. "That's Michelle".

57. A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid.

"Certainly Sir," says Jervaise the waiter, "Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there?"

"I'll have that little green one with the moustache" says the customer.

"Oh no!" replies Jervaise "but he's my favourite! He's so small and cute and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger, meatier ones?"

"No" says the customer "It's got to be that one".

So Jervaise gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block and raises his knife. The little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a big friendly grin!

"It's no good", says Jervaise, "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil deed."

So out comes Hans, while Jervaise disappears off in tears. Hans picks up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and once again the little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache. Hans finds it impossible to kill him too.

The moral?

Hans that does dishes is as soft as Jervaise with mild green hairy-lip squid.

58. Two builders from New Zealand called Phil and Mick are working at the top of a high rise building site. Phil turns to Mick & says "I've gotta take a piss, but there's nowhere to go".

"Walk out to the end of that plank" replies Mick. "I'll stand on this end and balance it."

"Are You sure Mick?"

"Yep, no worries mate"

"100 %?"

"YES!"

So out goes Phil to take a piss, but before he's finished the lunch siren sounds. Mick forgets what he's supposed to be doing and steps off the plank. Phil of course, is a gonner.

Several months later an Australian, a Frenchman and a New Zealander are sitting in a bar discussing which of their respective nations chase women the hardest.

Wazza the Aussie says "Mate, I've been known to miss a piss-up session down at the pub with me mates trying to crack on the Sheila's!"

Pierre, the Frenchman says "Non, non, non. We French chase ze women weeth much zest and geev to zem gifts of love like French champagne to ween zeir affection. Eet ees us for sure"

Meanwhile Bob the New Zealander sits laughing & says "No no, you blokes are both wrong. The other month I was walking past a building site at home, following these 2 gorgeous looking birds, and this bloke came plummeting from the sky with his dick in his hand screaming.....

"CUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTT!!!"

58. What's E.T. short for?

So he can fit in his space ship

59. Two fish in a tank and one says: "when did learn how to drive this thing?"

60. Two sheep in a pen and one says: "where did all this ink come from?"