Memoirs of Her Majesty

NOTE TO ALL

this web page is very very personal. things said on here are very close to my heart. they are my thoughts and opinions, and most of them were written months ago. they were written in the backs of notebooks, on scrap peices of paper, on reciepts i found in my purse,on napkins in restaurants. they are things i wrote just to write, whether i was in a state of confusion, a state of sadness, a state of sarcasm, or a state of despair and madness. i hope not to offend anyone. that wasn't the purpose i had when designing this page. please keep in mind that if you think i am talking about you in any of these inscriptions, you may be completly and totally wrong. you don't know what goes on in my mind...

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wow. 15 years old. that's when this started. The begining of my sophomore year of highschool. I started this thing called a 'web-page' and aaaall my friends came to it. i went to all of theirs. We each had one. We ranted, we raved, we explored, we communicated. All through these pages. Here i am, finishing up my freshmen year of college.... and i as i reread some of these 'memoirs' tonight, I smiled. I smiled at who i was, and at who i've bcome. I smile at each memory, and each person that the memory involves. I smile at my naivety. and then i smile once more, as i realize my naivety right now. There is so much i have yet to understand... there is so much i have to learn. I have so many more people to meet, and memories to make. I'm so excited for each one! But looking back through these many entries, it reminds of all the trials and tributes i have gone through during my late adolescence. honestly- i have just been one big bundle of horomones. Heh. And it's been great. The intensity of what i've felt for everything and anything has been unforgetable. thanks yall for helping me become who i am. thanks to the boys who crawled through my window... girls that slept in my heated bed during sleepovers... girls i absoluetly hated and then remember how much i actually loved them... the very next day..... thanks for the guys that were 'more than friends' .... and even more for the guys that weren't. Thanks for all the truth-or-dare, all the drunken nights of fun, and even better... all the sober nights of fun.... thanks for nights in parks... for nights in basements.... for nights in motor-homes....for nights in hotels... for nights at summerfest... and mostly, for teaching me what it means to be a friend. Cuz i've certainly made my share of mistakes. But they each taught me something different. I guess I'm just in a thanking mood. so... thanks for reading. thanks for caring. thanks for the love we've shared.

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now... to those of you who are new... don't be scared off. these memoirs were mostly written ages ago. but hey- they are still written by me. My past is my past. it's still a huge part of me. so.... keep in mind the context that these were written in... and i think you'll be all good. so read on, and enjoy.

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As i sit here,as i, as i ...as i..as i what? I become less and less as the minutes go on. and also, i become more and more...? I crave them. or do i? as i sat with them, i felt out of place. i felt unwanted the moment i stood up. and hours later, i couldn't sleep because i felt shameful(whats new?). did i waste their time? and then i remember......he grabbed my leg! GOD!!!!!!! why won't it leave me alone? the temptation. as i inhaled, i choked. why? why the hell did i choke? i never choke.

Red hair. we were going to do it together. is that a sign? isi it a sign that shes seperating from me?. or is it about her longing for me. longing for the friendship that we tasted...that sweet tast of friendship that dissapeared too fast....?i can't tell. I AM SO WEIRD...i'm so numb...and yet so feeling. is there something wrong?

you've corrupted my innocense...did you know? but i asked for it. i wanted answers...and i got them. meg...and arthur....tom and sarah...matt and tina...doug and molly...joe and sarah...maybe dawn and audric...sarah and paul...could they? would they? i know i will look back at this and be able to add to the list. i keep thinking 'who will be first?' but i think that title has allready been taken from us. someones taken the title 'first'. how can it be so casual....isn't it about love? i have this feeling, that i will never experience sex. i think i will die before i am able to have sex...i won't get a chance. maybe thats why its so hard to picture. because its not in my master plan. will i die so young?

ahhh, and sarah. that brings me to a whole new subject. "so, hows kristi?" she says. shall i say..."worshipping?" worshipping her beauty and her strength. her insecurities. her experience. and yet, so many awful things have happened to her. it is terrible to think about. but now she has this unimaginable streangth that i see shining through. ... or does she? i just had this thought that swept through my body...what if she isn't as strong as i see her? hmmmmmm what discontentment has brought me.

She sits over there. i wonder what she is thinking. not doing anything. maybe not even thinking. ... maybe shes fearing...fearing, i don't know, failure? nah. fearing rejection. but then again, isn't rejection a big part in failing?whether it means failing to impress them at your first impression, or failing to keep them interested...failing to keep them to stay. either way, its failing.

God, make this feeling of unworthiness go away. let my insecurites just float away...SOMEONE, RESCUE ME! its not about suicide. i don't want to die...not yet. i have to much to learn, too many things i have to figure out so many more things before i go. ...so... who's reading this? what are you thinking? are you thinking...damn this whore needs help. are you thinking, hmmmm, i never knew she could be so psycotic. or are you thinking, wow she knows what shes talking about. kristi is so deep...well, will you take it beyond that pont? that point of thinking? HELL NO. noone will. well, thats not okay. be there for me. i need you. i need help to get through this. wait. stop. what am i saying? let me suffer. then, i will get out of this by myself. without any help. and i will be stronger than any of you. i will be more secure, and more capable. watch out world, get ready to become one of my puppets.

dear world...how i hate you. why make me this way? why make me at all? so much hate. i wish i wasn't here. "i can smell the insecurities as i walk down the halls", i say. maybe i am smelling myself. GOD...I WANT TO SCREAM! right here, right now, in the middle of the hallway. ... i wish i had a tallent, a tallent to fall back on.maybe be an artist, maybe a poet, a great gymnast, a singer. who cares. as long as i love it madly. something that i could go do when i am feeling like shit (like right now...)and be able to do it, and then have me tell myself, "wow, youre great at this. just look at yourself. you are incomprehendable"....

i feel all theese one way connections. gaaah! that is so crazy. i must be the biggest fucking looser alive. i feel this intensity with certain people. but, theres this little thing inside me that knows they don't fell it back. note to self: the seven deadly sins- despair temptation gluttony nubris (pride) neglect envy hatred hmmmmm i should burn in hell. i have felt them all.

i want to remember everything about it. every single moment. it was amazing...so much passion. i want to thank you, for giving me the best secret i have ever had. i want to hate you, for not faling in love with me, for not caring that i had a boyfriend. i want to love you for being great (even if everyone tells me to dislike you. even if everyone else dislikes you)

you ruined my day. you ruined my fucking day. you bitch.with a simple "oh well". you mother fucking whore.its okay ifI invited YOU. its okay if youre going WITHOUT ME. "OH WELL" YOU SAID. god, youre a whore. do you even realize that i introduced you to them? the peoepl that you spend every sexcond with. did you suddenly foregt? so, fine go ditch me. youre right i guess, i am UNIMPORTANT!

i hate that you know. you know i'm evil (or atleast you tell me i am). i guess you should feel proud. proud that youve gotten into that sicko head of mine. Wanna know what else i hate? i hate how you seem so confident. because i know youre not. i remember. i remember the word HATE on the night of the pops concert, do you remember? how could anyone with confidence do that to themselves? i love you. and i know i am speaking out of anger, but i feel it. i feel confused. why do you seem so confident? i don't understand....explain it to me....

i have this image in my mind, where this women, is down on her knees, i think i am on a throne, and i think were in a church of some kind. the women in weeping, i don't know why, but she is weeping and i think she is asking for my forgiveness, or maybe for my respect. shes begging me for something...what a weird thought. i don't know why that image is stuck in my mind......... AM I LOOSING IT?

i have to remember...remember to hold my head high, smile at her, frown at him, wave to her, and wink at him. i have to remember. remember to stride, not walk, stride. i have to remember. remember to be PERFECT ALL THE TIME. why? because, thats how i'm supposed to be. i can't let everyone down.....OH...MY...GOD...what did i just write? ......i can't believe myself....WHERE HAVE I GONE??? ? ??? ?????????

he makes me feel like such a little girl...in a good way though. i mean,I just want to be with him. every second. i want to hold him.. kiss him. LOVE HIM. love...the word has sounded so far away from me, my entire life. it sounds so forign. so....absurd. because i hav never experienced it romantiaclly. i have never had the chance......but i feel so close to it righ now. and i know it seems too soon, but its true. Every move he makes, every akward, self-concious move he makes, make me want him more. i want to squeeze him. and every moment i am not with him him, i feel empty. i ache for him. i feel so girlish because i want to write his name 500 times. i daydream about him...i get all the buterflies...he makes me so happy. but how can i even say that honestly? i have gone through so much pain to be with him. oh...god...the pain. the pain inside me...inside him...inside ****...wow...the pain....i truely hope we are beyond that....but i still feel as though it may be just the beginging.....

dON'T LEAVE ME. don't leave me here, without your arms...without your eyes, don't leave me without your words. i know i shouldn't say that. youre not mine to take. not mine to have. i wish you were here. right now. i wish so many things about you. but wishes only come true in fairy tails. i keep hoping, to see you walk through that door. coming to take me away. and coming to reasure me, ressure that youre not leaving me. not for awhile anyways...thats all i want...awhile...i want just a little time. let us get to know eachother. let us spend some time together before you leave.... .. .. i am doing exactly what i am supposed to. but if i keep this up, i will never have you. if we want eachother, why can't we be together? its just too complicated... ... ... i feel you in my shoulders. i ffeel you in my fingers...in my toes...but mostly in my stomache..in my heart. i feel your presence...but where are you really?.. ... ...i have read, and seen,a dn heard all about it. about the infamous ...yearning.... but it is only now, when i have actually experienced it.

isn't it funny....how you do something you know youre not supposed to, because you tell yourself,"its gonna be worth it. It will be worth the consiquences".. ... and then, its not worth it? you still get the consiquences, but you don't get the good part of the deal. take last night for example....i thought it was all worth it, until this morning, when she asked me where i was last night. well, she can't expect me to tell her, can she? i mean...i can't. i can't explain it to her. .... ... i had so much fun, so in that sense, it was worth it. but i never accmplished what i'd set out to do. ... she wouldn't understand. she never does. none of them ever do. but you know, i'm completly fine with that. i don't care as much as i thought i would....

i wish he was thinking of me right now. at this very moment. but instead, he is off, somewhere, talking with relavant people with relavant things (maybe the weather.....just kidding), just as i am. or atleast as i am trying to do....i am trying to ask questions. questions so that they can answer, and with their answer, quench my thirst. quench the thirst that i have thirsted for, for so long. for something to be breathtakingly beautiful. breathtakingly perfect... ...and so here i am, having this conversation with these 2 people i care very much about, but i want more out of it. i want to go to bed with a smile on my face tonight....i don't want to have to pretend someone is there for me. wow. it just hit me. 2 days. 2 days until i am 16...it is so amzing...16, is so old. i mean, 16 means more respect, 16 means full-fledged moody teenager, ready to pounce at any given moment...hmmm....i wonder......i wonder what it is i want out of life. i mean, just read i what i wrote. read what i write...i change my mind so fast. i think i want something, but then i don't.once i get it, i realize, it was all wrong for me....it seems as though i have that in common with someone...hmmm....DAMN IT!!! WHY CAN'T I STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM??? everything i say, think, write, has to do with him....grrrr...i wish he would leave my brainwaves completly. but then, as i say that, i feel bad. because i don't want him to think iwish he weren't in my life...because, right now, he is the only person that can make me feel complete...

I don't even want to see my own writing. I want to think that what I say will disappear…will disappear into empty empty space. There I made a mistake, and I didn't fix it. I fought the impulse. The impulse to be perfect, perfect, which I'm not. No one has to worry about me being competition. Wow, what a sad thought. Me, not being competition for anyone. Me, just being that 'easy lose' me: the girl who everyone picks to run against so that they can win. Huh, I am so so so so sad. If that was true, life would be meaningless. Even though, I feel it right now. I feel the thing called 'depression'. I and 'depression' is supposed to be such a bad thing, I kind of like it. It keeps me down to earth. Keeps me from getting cocky. because having arrogance would ruin everything. It really would. I would lose everything dear to my heart. The 'depression' makes me more aware. It makes me see things in a different angle.

God, I have so much to say, and so little time to say it. I am doing it again. I am supposed to be having the time of my life. Everything is so right for me. but all I feel is despair. Tonight, something is supposed to be grand. Grand and glorious. But what if it is not. I mean, I know that something will happen tonight. I feel it. But will it be a good thing? I was so excited, but now, all I can feel is fear, and despair. Despair. I should just type that word. Over and over. Because that is what I feel. You know how sometimes you can hear a word, and even if you don't know what it means, it sounds, just right. It sounds perfect. It sounds like what you're feeling. That's me. right now. With: despair. I wish ___ wasn't mad at m____. I mean, if she wasn't so upset, if he hadn't said anything about paul, I would still be thrilled about tonight. There I go again. Blaming others for my unhappiness.

Before I even talk to anyone, I want a chance to sit down and organize my thoughts. I am so, so sick to my stomache. And I don't even know why. Maybe because I saw her and I saw how everything she did scared me to death. She was so hurt inside. So cold. I liked how she described it as "your hurt has turned cold". It was so true. She is on the verge of being evil. She had no boundries. She just kept saying things, not stopping. There are certain things that should be left unsaid, but that didn't stop her. I think the scarrist part of her was how much of me I saw in her. The incessant need for control, the unhappiness at the blink of an eye, the lashing out at others, as the only way to let out pain and anger. I am so scared, what if she was just like me at my age, what if her sickness progressed, and this is where she ended up? This is where I will end up.

go go GO! that's what my minds doing what did I do? What was it this time? That pulled me out… I was slipping, slipping, slipping Slipping into that hole of emptiness No not emptiness….pain. The pain was almost there But I must have somehow found that switch Or maybe it wasn't me at all…it was them But that's never a good thing Cuz, what happens when theyre gone?

Fuck you.
Fuck everything about you. Fuck the memories. The stupid stupid memories that tear me apart Every fucking time I think of you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Can I say it enough? No I can't because its all that creeps into my vocabulary. I see you, with the hurt in your eyes, as you question whether I truly believe that you will forget me. I see myself look to the ground and almost feel shameful for thinking such a thing. How could you forget me? Wait… Actually, lover boy, its not so hard And don't worry your little heart away, you will, soon enough. Forget. Youll forget me. And I remember I remember another time you looked at me with hurt in your eyes. I could hear the hurt in your voice as you asked me if I truly thought that you would have it easier. Of course you have it easier. Don't forget, I am the one that sees… All the familiar faces All the familiar places That we once shared together. I am the one that has to walk through the streets we used to walk through together. I am the one that has to answer to all the questions…. "were you guys in love?" "do you miss him?" "are you going to date anyone else?" "what was the best thing about your relationship?" god, how the fuck do I answer any of those questions? I can't I don't even know the fucking answers. You, you are away. A way from it all. With new people and nothing to remind you of me. every fucking day my heart pangs for you. Every fucking day, my heart tears apart slightly further because I know you don't yearn for me the way I yearn for you. "I may have loved before…but I have never ached before. I have never ached for someone as though I ache for you" I sometimes wish it never happened. If I had only known then, what I know now…would I still go through with it?and the answer- Yes. Not for you Hell no not for you But because of him. Because you and me, brought me and him closer And he is probably one of my best friends I will ever have. "youre so beautiful, a beautiful fucked up man". God. Why cant I stop thinking about you. Fuck you. Fuck us Fuck everything about us. Damn it. I can write it over and over and over… But I still miss you. Miss what? Nothing. There is nothing to miss. But I still do…miss you. I remember playing with my rings, as something to do with my hands. Don't you know that's why I wear rings? I would play with them to avoid you. Avoid you grabbing for my hand. As you would drive. In remember clasping my hands together. Trying to show you. Trying to show you my hands were busy, So I busy I didn't need for you to hold them. But it never worked Never. Not once, but I kept doing it. You would allways put your hand on my leg. It was like, you wanted me so badly, you couldn't be so close to me without touching me. AHHHHHHHHHH Why do I think these things?

And although I bet every other chick thinks this exact same thought as me: I think I would be your dream women- if you gave me a chance. Weve both done some fucked up shit. And the reasons? Oh wait, were there any reasons? I mean, we both say, "to have fun". Sure, I bet. To have fun…that nihgt. To make our problems go away…that night. For 1 night This night. And whether or not it works, whether or not it rids us of the pain. Whether or not we succeed in forgetting for just one night. We do it again. Even if it didn't qute do it for us the first time. It was probably just a fluke. Its gotta work this time. That's what we tell ourselves. Except- Really, it just leaves us feeling more empty. More abused, than the night before.
And then, we say 'harder shit. That's all I need…is harder shit'. Yes, I think we have things in common. Like the incessant need to be loved. To love back. That need that is never satisfied. Never fulfilled. I think we could drink eachother. And finally quench the thirst. I know I desire you enough To knock you over with passion. And I see it in your eyes. Hear it in your voice. You crave something. Something you don't quite know of yet. Well, let me tell you something. Its me. I ~ am what you have been craving. Drink me up… Quench your thirst.

I had this dream. This dream about kissing you. We were drunk. Drunk on what…I don't know. Love maybe? And how I shudder to think I love you. Do you know what that means? If I love you…god the consiquences. Don't you understand? How I wish I could love you… With nothing behind it. But there is And there always will be. A conflict.

God, what do you think , do you think I am not here? Do you think just because I haven't said anything that I am not listening? What the fuck do you want me to say? Do you want me to be all peachy keen…well sorry bastards…I am not peachy keen. Deal with it. But I can't even say that. Cuz you don't know how to deal with things. Fuck you That's all I want to say I feel it. I feel hate I feel it so much There can't possibly be another word for it. Hate has to be the word. "Don't wait for me" Fine you asshole I wont. God damnit God damn it God damn it I feel like slitting my wrists. I feel like screaming Hmmm…the options…which shall I commit? It seems as though…. Hmmm……I can't scream. I am inside. Its late. I guess that only leaves one option…. … No. Please. Don't take me seriously. The thought of dying consoles me enough. I don't need to actually commit it. I wont Don't take me seriously.

Damn it…why are we having this conversation? Online? For gods sakes. But how could I forget…this is the way we do things. We avoid confrontation. Hmmm, that sure as hell sounds like good way of doing things. Lets just sweep them under the rug. Maybe if we don't see them everyday, they will…disappear. HAHAHAHAHA Sorry, that's not the way life works.

And why is it? why is it that i miss him so? is it because of the way he loves me? because the way i can see it in his eyes? the way he tells me? the way i read his mind? the way he knows how to deal with me (when he wants to). the way we feel the same, without saying anything. the way he reads me. from the begining...he could read me so well....he just knew. and i know. how loveable he was. the way he never gave up. the way he hurt me...only because he loved me so much, and i had hurt him so badly....or, was it the way i forgve him, or more like, he forgave me? or is it the opposite? is it just because i want to love, and be loved back? maybe i am doing it to hurt ****. to show him, show him i found someone new- his best friend. the one i started with. the one he took me away from...or maybe i miss him because i know I'm loosing him. i am loosing him to the other people that love him. hes not 'under my control' any more. he doesn't think of me every minute. he doesn't dream of me. because he didn't want to deal with me when i was hurting.. because it isn't as important to remember every detail, as it used to be....

i remember, i remember what it used to feel like to have something feel good. i remember what it was like to be satisfied. i remember what it felt like to go to bed at night, and smiling to myself as i drifted off to sleep. i remember, because it wasn't so long ago. i find myself asking...what happened to me? what happened to the past few months? Its almost as though my life is passing before me my eyes. except- my eyes were tired, so i shut them to give them a rest, and now i have missed everything.

I want to know about her. about what it was like to touch her...did it bring you as much pleasure as it brought you to touch me? is her skin as smooth? and as sweet tasting as mine? and now.... how does it feel to be beautiful? you have waited your turn in line. you deserve this precious moment. so, why then, am i not happy for you? it's jealousy....it's jealousy that blocks the walls of happiness. its jealousy that puts up the steel walls, that let no forgiveness or reasonability in. instead...i sit numb, not know what to feel towords her, but knowing exactly how i feel towards him...hurt. hurt that he's ready to move on. even if he says he isn't. thats what hurts the most...is that he knows me so well, he knows i need reassurance. so he tells me things, and now, i don't know if what he says is out of pity, or out of truth...out of love. and how will i ever be able to tell? when he says it in the same tone of voice? ...and the adjustment was so big. it was like quitting something cold turkey. as i described it to him...'a slap in the face'. hopefully it will get easier. it will have to get easier, i don't think it could get much harder...but then again - look at how many times we've said that in the past. and look how many times we go through such difficult times, times we never thought we could handle...and yet, we came out stronger? hmmmmm.....

its time. the time has come. for me to come to my senses. for me to realize you are just another one of them. you are just another one of the male species. you are just another one of those guys who leads girls on. you are another one of those guys who knows how to get me where it hurts. you know my weaknesses. and its as though you thrive off, using them against me. how could i ever have thought you were, "perfect". now, i know no one's perfect, but you were the closest thing i had found. i shouldn't have trusted you. i shouldn't have trusted you with the one thing that is most important to me....my heart.

as i looked around, it hit me. this was not my safe place anymore. it had become invaded. with people i didn't look forward to seeing everyday. it was full of curious eyes, and fastly-beating hearts. it was full of....freshmen. here i was, looking for some oh-so-treasured peace, and what i found were childeren, scrambling around, wondering if they were even in the right place. not only had IT been invaded, I had been invaded. how could anyone do this to me? this was mine...this was M I N E . couldn't they just go somewhere else, and worry what the upperclassmen thought of them, couldn't they go somewhere else, to giggle and smile with their other freshmen friends? couldn't they go somewhere else to show off their new abercrombie and fitch clothes? why, oh why did they have to be here? making me nausious. in my haven...making me more miserable than i already was.

i hate your fucking poitics. its like a system. and even though i despise it, i feel so involved. my boyfriend for gods sake...he is one of the god damn 'leaders'....leaders?????? its only a class....what are they thinking? how can they have leaders? this isn't right. peoepl are feeling like shit because of your goddamn politics.people are getting hurt. I AM GETTING HURT BY IT. and i AM INVOLVED IN IT. this should not be happening. it has stop.

my finger nails are gross, and i love it. you know the feeling, the one runners get after they get all sweaty, and they run through the door with a smile on their face, because they just did something that made them feel wonderful. well i love MY gross fingernails because i look at them, and i think to myself 'where did this come from?' and then i remember. that fabulous night i had. (i could say we had, but i don't know how much you actually enjoyed it). how we laid in the grass for hours,we waited for the sun to rise. and you gave me your shirt because my teeth were chattering and i was shivvering. and you held me. and told me how it all 'just felt right'. so now, i sit here on this computer, wishing you would just wake up, so i can talk to you. and see what your feeling. i keep telling myself to be sorry for expecting some sort of response, an e-mail, a message, a phone call, a look. but i'm not sorry. because i can't possibly be sorry about anything having to do with that glorious night. and i love the excitment running through my blood. and besides, some things are best left unsaid.

so what. so friggen what. i may be confused, but i am happy. i am happy as i look at the gurgling, smiling faces that surround me, the voices that wake me up, the loving looks that i catch, the soft touches. and maybe i don't want anything certain right now, maybe i am undecided, but afterall, i am 17. i have every right to not know exactly what i want right now. let me just have my fun. i won't harm anyone. not even myself. i'm beyond that. right now, i just want to live. to breath the air, to feel the feelings, to laugh at something funny, to stay out late, to come home early, to spend time with my mom, to sleep in, to not sleep at all, to cry, to dance, to sing, to talk, to observe, to learn, to write, to eat, to taste, to love, to lose, to win. TO LIVE. just let me live.

it sucks when they're too nice. when you can't tell if they're being sincere, and truthful, or simply polite. it sucks when you find out they say the same thing to every other person they encounter. it sucks when you let them break your heart. yeah, it sure does suck.

how come i always get the strong ones? or maybe, it's not that they're strong when i find them, but more that they're strong when i leave them (heh... or they leave me). they all successfully go with the, "no looking back" approach. hmmm.... i know i don't vanish from their mind space, i know i don't dissappear in their eyes. but still, they're so god at putting their foot down, and not letting me back into their lives. siiiiigh. ahhh, oh well. it's as though i am some loathed sickness, that the only medicine is complete isolation. as if the only cure is completly turning their backs on every aspect of me.

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my heart, split in 3:

scenerio 1- "i do love it, long for it" ~Midsummer. wow, you're such a superstar. "you're a superstar, that is what you are. coming from afar, reaching for a star. run away with me. to another place. we can rely on eachother". With brightening up my day when everything seems terrible, making me lauugh everytime w're together, making me a better person, because YOU are such a great person. you know you're a lifesaver, right? you know i thank god as often as i can for you, for your existence, for your being, for the fact that i am blessed to have you in my life. are you aware of all that? because i am afraid i sometimes forget to remind you.

scenerio 2- "that which doesn't kill us only makes us stronger" ... "god only gives you what he knows you can handle" i am so glad we're talking now. i am so glad all the madness is behind us. (well, it's behind me). no matter what you're involved with, who you're involved with, no matter what you're doing with your life, i'm sitting on the sidelines smiling for you. i won't lie and say "you're gonna be great some day". cuz i don't know that. i just know that you can be a fun person to talk to, and i know we had a lot of good times together. and i know that whatever we had, whatever we lost, is behind us. and being a fond,simple aqaintance is so ideal right now. it just makes me smile.

scenario 3- "and so it goes, and so it goes, and so will you soon, i suppose.... so you can have this heart to break". well i guess the quote should read, "take my heart and run, or wait... you already did." atleast i got it back now. (i just sometimes have some trouble remembering that...tee-hee). close your eyes, turn your back, ignore my voice. be that way. i don't know why you have to be that way. but i guess you just do. i wish i did. i wish i knew why. because although i tell myself i miss you, i think that may not be it at all. (i could be wrong, i mean ...you were my love at one point) but i think i just hate the cold shoulder for no apparent reason. i mean come on, i'm being civil. and i'm the one with the broken heart. i wish you would tell me why this is the way it is. but then again, i thank God for not having me know. because by leaving me high and dry, it makes it easier to not put you in my head. it makes it easier to not picture your face when i hear certain songs. it makes it easier to remeber what a cowardice ass you're being. atleast i have that.

I keep thinking about last night, and how you were laying on my floor, when you should have been laying in my bed. (Ahhh… how scandalous) And I keep thinking about the hug at the end of our night. And how I wanted to kiss your neck so badly. I could almost taste the salt of your skin on my tongue. You asked what I wanted. I wanted only one thing. I wanted you. I wanted that moment to never end. I wanted to take your 16 years of innocence and throw it out the window. My window. The one you snuck into.

yeah. go into the next room, so you don't have to deal with hearing my voice. Don't have to deal with my movemnet under these blankets. A sweet sigh escaping my lips.My powerful scent that draws you in everytime- floating across the room in your direction. Leave. And make it easier for yourself. cuz God knows it's your turn to have a break.

why did you have to go and tell me that. "no. i don't like you. you're fucking ugly. and it's funny you thought that i could ever like you that way". wow. be more of an ass, okay? really. please do. cuz i want you to know you just made my fucking day.

what's the point in all this screaming? no ones listening anyway.

"GUESS WHAT?!" i screamed for the 3756392 time that night. "uh-oh... not again," you smiled and held my hand. "What?" you aksed (as if you didn't knwo the answer). "I'M HELENA!" i yelled happily. Later that night, as we sat under the rain listening only to the raindrops and the sound of eachothers hearts beating for one another, you leaned in and whispered in my ear, "guess what?" "what?" i whispered back. "you're helena."

i refuse to forget. i refuse to forget how you always had water in the tall glasses at my house. i refuse to forget the feel of my fingers running through your hair,the hair that you wanted me to cut so badly. i refuse to forget the saying "we're just like twins. except not married. cuz that would be gross." i refuse to forget the great things you showed me. i now know how to drive in madison. i now know how to race at red lights. i now know about the great tenecious-D. i will never forget listening to 'beep beep' with you. there are so many songs that remind me of you. so so many. i refuse to forget the way you tickled my arm every time you would touch me. you were so gentle. i refuse to forget summerfest, and "you like cardboard millie?". how could i forget all the beautiful boquets you brought me. how could i forget your dirty shoes. your laugh. your knowledge (to this day it baffles me how you knwo the words to so many old-school rap songs). i will never ever ever forget moulin rouge. i will never forget the way you made me feel. you were the only person i could trust with so many things. you're the only person i would talk to every single day- for 6 months. and the list goes on. and on... and on... and on... "and so it goes, and so it goes, and you're the only one who knows." how could i forget someone as magnificent as you? i can't. i won't. i refuse to forget.

friends..... atleast he doesn't have a pride issue..... atleast she knows when it's time to really "talk," atleast i still crave her, atleast he still looks at me with love in his eyes, atleast she reminded me of what a hypocrit she is and always will be, and reminded me to never ever get close to her again, atleast he still follows the crowd, atleast she still thinks i'm the happiest person alive, atleast he still thinks i'm strong...at least i still have them in my life.

***

you could be my hero baby...

you could be her hero baby....

...and his

and theirs...

you could be THE hero baby.

-play superman.

save the world.

make yourself feel good(baby).

build up your self esteem.

-go fuck yourself-

(You're no hero...baby)

I can't do this. i can't be here. i can't talk to him. I'll fall. straight down. i'l fall so hard. they say atleast when you're on rock bottom you're on solid ground. that couldn't be more true. i need to leave this room. i think i'm starting to know what a panic attack is. how could this be love? there's no such thing.

everybody needs sombody sometimes. everybody needs someone, can't you see? i just need that feeling of being held. but not just by anyone. by that perfect someone. that someone who is nowhere to be found. no one in my like could even start to fill the shoes of the man i need in my life. i should make a list- 21 things i need a man to be for me. (i stole it from dear alanis).