Welcome to my help page. If you have any problems you need answered, feel free to email me, I can probably have it done by the end of the day. I'm open to any questions, as long as they are not intentionally obnoxious. and will give it my best thoughts; I am open to anything. Sorry for the poor page lay out now, I will improve it with time. Feel free to email me with your worst!
______________________________________________________________From: Anon 101
To: Buster ( dustin@3dfiles.net )
Subject: something for the help collum! w00t w00t
Date: March 21
i really like this girl, and we have gone out before. but im at a dilema. she likes me. and as i said, i like her. but there is a major problem. other people, and decisions.
well first of all, one of my friends, we'll call him B, (no not buster) likes her also, but my question isnt friends v. pussy Well B loves his beer. beer is okay, but i know where it leads (lord, lord, lord, knows i know tooo much about where drugs take you) But luckily the girl i like, M, doesnt like beer or drugs (w00t w00t) but she does like him. more than me
so how should i play this?
go w/ the girl and stay clean? start a new era of drug free? go w/ the girl, but do drugs/beer? (in moderation and under the powerful tool of discipline and mindfullness) go w/ the friend, do drugs/beer in moderation?
the obvious choice seems to be, go girl and go clean but that damn peer pressure, and future pussy. will other people consider me a narc? i could care less about baked ppl's opinions. BUT the woman might not like me later, and I love my hand, BUT HEH! we all need some play!
help me, and SEND IN SOME MORE HELP COLLUMN STUFF
Life is sweet,
Anon 101
Dear Anon 101:
Yes, you do have quite a dilemma here. Relationship problems seem to be the most common for us teens. I have them, you have them, I don't think there is anyone without them. If you consult other people, get opinions, it is probably for the best. Everyone usually has different opinions on things, and views you have never considered.
The first thing i would do in your situation, is talk with your friend B. See what his views on M are. I'm sure that if he already had a girlfriend, or didn't like her for other reasons, he would probably help you on the matter. Maybe have him mention goods things about you, and put her down at the same time? It's mean and cruel, but wouldn't it help things work out best for everyone? If you know it's not going to work out for them two, why not let yourself have another chance?
That is just one route you can take. If B is into drinking and drugs, and M is against drinking and drugs, I don't really see that sort of relationship going anywhere, so, while he may seem like an immediate problem, he is not a permanent one. If one person in the relationship wants to practice abstinence on drugs and alcohol, and the other one wants to accept them, I can't really see them having a strong relationship, let alone a relationship at all.
Maybe you should just try to be persistent with M. Just talk with her when you get a chance, try not to be negative or make fun of her, and always do your best to be understanding and try to help her. Try to pull together a strong friendship first. Just let things come along as they may. Try to earn her trust. I know you yourself are an extremely likeable person. This is not a problem at all. I'm sure that she will see that, and see that there is much more to you then what appears.
Another thing to do, while working on this relationship, maybe reconsider your thoughts on her. See if this girl is the one for you, see if there are any others, maybe, that catch your eye also. Remember to let things other than their physical appearance catch your eye. Maybe you'll come along someone else, and you can completely forget about this problem.
What I would do, and would probably be best, as we both know, is to do your best to stay with your girl and stay clean. This will be very difficult to do however. While I'm not saying avoid your friend, maybe you should try to avoid his drugs and beer parties. It is also tempting to use mindfulness and use these in moderation, I have thoughts about this myself, but then what if I turned out to be a horrible alcoholic? It's easy to talk like i wouldn't be, but then you never know. It's the same for everybody.
I'm sure that your friends wont' consider you a narc for any drugs/alcohol choices you make. If they do, then they shouldn't really be considered your friends, now should they? Friends shouldn't pressure each other into that type of stuff. Especially your women shouldn't mind, especially if she has made the same choice as you. If she did, what would that be all about anyways? Maybe she's "Un poco loco"
Another thing, while yes, getting play from your woman is always a nice feature, if it's not there, you shouldn't worry about it. Rely on your trusty fore-arm muscles, build up your muscles. Why are some "weak" guys so good at arm wrestling anyways? Just remember to wash your hands frequently.
If anything else comes up, remember to inform me and I will post it as an update. Thanks for suggesting more people to my help column. Good luck with your adventures, 101. Thanks for writing!
Dustin
____________________________________________________________
From: Anon 101
To: Buster ( dustin@3dfiles.net )
Subject: update from anon 101
Date: March 21
hello,
well w/o a doubt M likes B, and she sure doesnt like me. as she bluntly put it this past week. and it appears she will go out w/ him, B will get her drunk (she has no will power) and he'll get her to do lord knows what.... well i guess im lonesome again....
anon 101
Dear Anon 101:
I'm sorry to hear this. The way that M sounds, as much as you like her, she doesn't sound like the right girl for you. Maybe too many past conflicts. Or maybe she's just not the best girl for you. As much as it sucks, and sounds like it's BS, maybe you should try to move on. It's probably not what you want to do, you must really like her, but maybe it's for the best. Here's something else to reconsider: is your attraction to M everything? Or is it just looks? If she didn't look at pretty to you as she did, if she just looked normal to you, would you still want to date her? Maybe you should start weighting the mental characteristics higher. Just some suggestions, I hope everything works out for the best!
Dustin
____________________________________________________________
From: A neglected mom
Subject: The Untrained Psychologist
Date: March 21
Dear Dustin, Your Mom said I could write you about all my woes.
Why is it that kids are so embarrassed by their parents? It's very depressing when your kids don't want to spend time with you. The years pass extremely fast as you will find out and we only live once. As parents we really don't feel mentally that much older. I think I'm still basically the same person as I was in high school. Yah, I've matured a lot and seen some pretty major things in my life but I don't feel old. I certainly don't expect my kid to 'hang out' with us just out to dinner now and then and staying in touch about things.
This is a common problem among many parents, and that does make me feel better. I just heard a story that even Billy Joel, the famous singer, has problems. His daughter doesn't even want him to sing in public when she's around!
I'm not expecting big changes, just some light shed on the subject from a teen's point of view. I'm sure you don't feel that way about your parents but maybe you can explain the phenomenon!
A Neglected Mom
Dear Neglected Mom:
First of all, I will start out by saying it differs between people and age groups. Littler children are really the ones who I would really consider the terminology "embarrassed" correct. However, you have to remember that all this is from my own personal experiences, this is not proven information.
Little children, or maybe better classified as the children in elementary school, get embarrassed over things that you would consider dumb as you get more mature. If you say underwear, they will all start giggling. They get embarrassed very easily, over many things. And then when they do, it's the worst feeling for them, especially if it's around their peers. They dread it like nothing else. Their parents know the most about them, and the children know that. Also, it is very difficult for their parents to keep updated on what is cool or not, so while something you wouldn't regard as important, such as their favorite television show, and you mentioned something to them about it, such as you were taping it for them, they could be embarrassed because maybe their peers thought of that show as stupid. Then they get their horrible embarrassed feeling. I don't think it is their parents that embarrass them themselves, they are just afraid you will let loose some information that would counteract something they have told their peers.
This completely changed for me in middle school. There wasn't really the fear of the parents saying anything to embarrass me anymore. It drifted more in that we didn't want to disappoint you. When you would come to a school-related event, we wanted you to think we were perfect at everything we did. Also, our lives started changing, more things would happen that would disappoint you. This led to more and more things we decided not to tell, and eventually there was so much of it, we dreaded parents being around, just because I didn't want them to see the way they all acted. Lots of dirty language, jokes, stories, lots of roughhousing that is probably the kind that any parent would want to break up instantly. Lots of the fun that everyone had, probably most of it, would be considered inappropriate by the parents. Therefore, whenever parents were around, we were all toned down strongly, and not having as much fun as we regularly do. This just kept building.
Now, as high school is reached, I think that both of these problems are either gone or are getting that way, depending on the child. Having your parents being there at events is no longer a problem, it can even be encouragement for some of them. Our behavior a lot of the time with our friends is probably even more "inappropriate" than the behavior in middle school, but we aren't bothered if you see it occasionally. I think that your problems will come to an end as they get older, it just takes time, and the older each kid gets the more that you should notice this.
As for your other problem, it depends on how social your kid is with his friends, and busy with other school activities. Sometimes, when you want to go out and do something, it is when your kid wants to be able to relax, because we don't have that much time to do that, we are usually out and about. If you really want to do something with your kid, and want him to enjoy it, maybe try to schedule it over something that he/she dreads, and then he/she will probably go happily with you. Just a suggestion. Well, I think that I have covered most of it, if there is anything I have missed please write back again!
Thanks for your letter,
Dustin