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First thing, I will say this: I am NOT preaching. I am simply sharing my thoughts, and you can accept or reject them, but at least keep an open mind. This is a work in progress, and it will be added to. I don't know how long it will be, or whether I will change my mind about various things, but I do know that I speak from the heart, and I hope you appreciate that. Let me know what you think... Sign the guestbook please!


3/27/01
You trust in him
And he lets you down
You believe in him
And he lets you down
You tell him all your hurts
Ask him for his help
And he lets you down

But does he let you down?
Or is he just not there?
No one can be that cruel
No one.
Not even god.

Don’t trust in him
He’s not there
I won’t believe in him
He’s not there
Won’t tell him all my hurts
Or ask for his help
‘Cause he’s not there

No one can be that cruel
No one.
Not even god.
But that’s who he is supposed to be

3/12/01
Interrogation

Where were you when I needed you?
I cried out and you weren’t there.
Who do you think you are?
So high, way up there?
What did I do that was so wrong?
Why do you let me doubt?
I don’t understand you
But you don’t help me figure it out
Just when I think I know you
Just when I think you care,
Something makes me stop believing.
And I know that you’re not there.
But where were you when I needed you?
When I was hurting the most?
It seems whenever I need you
You’re ephemeral as a ghost.
Why do I have to ask these questions?
Where did I go wrong?
Why do people hurt me?
Leave me crying all night long?
Are you really there for me?
Ready to answer my call?
Are you really there?
God? Are you there at all?

2/22/01
Thoughts on God

God
An all-powerful deity
A being who “cares”
Someone who can free me.
Who can free me from sin
Save me from destruction from within.

God
A merciful deity
A being who “loves”
Someone who can free me
Who can free me from all
Save me from “evil’s call”.

but where was “god”
when I needed
when I wanted
when I prayed
where was God?
I searched
I needed I wanted I prayed
And I found nothing.
Nothing. Nothing but what I had to begin with
Nothing.

god
is anyone there?
someone who loves?
someone who cares?
someone who can listen?
someone who can save me from destruction from within?
I haven’t found anyone yet.

As I was sitting in Church last Saturday, I realized that there are indeed reasons that I don’t go anymore. It’s not because I’m lazy, and it’s not because it’s a nuisance, but rather it interferes and goes against almost everything that I believe in. I was raised Catholic, made my First Communion at age 8, and was confirmed at age 15. Now let’s think about that for a moment. At age 8, how the hell are you supposed to know or understand exactly what it is that you are doing? Catholics believe that during the Mass, ordinary bread and wine are actually transformed into the body and blood of Christ. An 8-year-old is just learning to understand that there are no such things as monsters under the bed, and perhaps figuring out that there is no Santa Claus or Easter Bunny. So why would she be able to understand transubstantiation (the “transformation” described above)? This process is simply a way for the Catholic Church to get a firm hold on a person at a very young age. I remember thinking that it would be the cool thing to do to be able to go up and receive Communion (which actually tastes like styrofoam), and not that I would finally be able to “receive” Jesus. I was too young to understand, and even now, years later, I still don’t understand.
“Confirmation” in the Catholic faith at age 15 is another practice that makes no sense. The teen years are a time of self-discovery, and this includes finding one’s faith. If that happens to be Catholicism, that’s all well and good, but if it’s not, then it is like it’s too late once you’re confirmed. Why is it too late? There is one word for that: guilt. The church preaches to you for years and years that there is only one way to salvation, and that one way is through the Catholic religion. If you are aware of this little tidbit of information, and still don’t follow, then your soul is damned for all eternity. Now let’s think about this. You have been instructed from a young age in the practices and beliefs of this one particular religion, but are you really aware about others? Unless you were brought up in a multi-religion family, then chances are, you have little knowledge about other faiths. Therefore, you would be unable to make an educated decision about what you believe in, only because you don’t know what the other options are. Once again, though, age has a lot to do with it. As mentioned, at age 15, you are just starting to discover yourself, and very few people are so comfortable with themselves and solid in who they want to be to make a decision to be “confirmed” in the Catholic faith. It just doesn’t make any sense.
What’s the deal with the collection basket anyway? For those of you unfamiliar with the process employed by most Catholic churches to fundraise a significant amount of money, a basket is passed in front of each person, and each party is expected to make a contribution. I remember that when I was little, my mom would always make it a point to give me or my sister the budget envelope to put in the basket as it was passed in front of our noses. This instilled in us that it was the “thing to do. As part of the Confirmation program at my church, the ninth graders were required to deposit little budget envelopes with our names on them as a means of attendance to make sure that we attended church on a regular basis. Through this, my church was able to determine how often and when I actually when to church, as well as how much money I was putting in. How is this fair? I’m sure that someone was thinking that if that amount varied in the slightest from week to week that something would be wrong. The whole concept of the collection basket is a simple ploy to play on people’s guilt and fears of humiliation. You feel guilty for not putting anything in the basket, and you’re afraid that everyone else will look at you for not putting something there, as if you’re in the wrong for not giving in to the unfair pressures placed on you from the church. Not everyone can afford to contribute every week, but it seems like you are a pariah of sorts if you do not. This whole system needs to be dismantled. If a person wants to contribute financially, he or she should be able to without everyone within the vicinity knowing whether he did or not. It isn’t fair to wave the “collection basket” under every parishioner’s nose and demand, albeit without words, a monetary deposit.

COMING SOON
Thoughts on God, etc.

dictating life’s direction, sit stand kneel?, old school explanations, forceable conversions
Hometime!