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I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I can't think of any other way to express it. I'm sorry that I hurt you, I'm sorry that I wasn't really an equal partner, I'm sorry for everything. It's all my fault, and I'm not just saying that, I really mean and believe that. It's my fault for not being able to move on in life. It's my fault for hurting you because I'm too stupid to realize that I ruined a good thing be initiating it in the first place. I should have known that whenever I wasn't with you that I would be thinking of someone else. It's my fault for closing myself to beautiful people like you, but right now I'm not ready to change that. It's my fault for really making excuses and I'm sorry that I did and I'm sorry that I have to. It's just how I am, unable to say what I really feel to whomever it concerns. That is not to say that I don't care about you, because I do. It's just that perhaps without being really conscious of it I've been wondering about my part in the whole thing since the beginning. Now before you start thinking that it wasn't worth it, or whatever terrible thoughts you might be having, let me tell you that it was 100% worth it in every way possible. The reason I say that I had been questioning things since the beginning is that, one, it's only a natural reaction in any relationship, and, two, I still didn't (and don't) know what I feel and how much for who. I'm sorry that I hurt you, and that's what hurts me the most. When I started seriously thinking about what to do (or not to do) that was what stopped me from saying anything. The thought of hurting you in any way. When you called and left me that voicemail the other night, I didn't know what to do. I told myself earlier that day that I needed a couple days just to collect myself, and then you called. A part of me wanted to stock to my guns about my 2 day rule, but a bigger part of me wanted to call and tell you that everything is alright. I feel like I am a terrible person for feeling this way, and people have suggested that I am doing the wrong thing, but I, for once in my life, have chosen to ignore the advice and opinions of others and to make my own decision about what I think is right for me. Right now, this is the right thing for me. I'm not going to lie and say that I want things to go back to the way they were a month ago, because I don't. I don't want to have that little voice in the back of my head and the bottom of my heart asking me if I'm not making a mistake. I can't handle that right now, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's my fault that I cannot sustain a functional relationship with anyone for any length of time. I'm sorry that I screwed us up, but that's exactly it. I screwed us up. You did nothing to deserve this, and I don't deserve you. I'm too emotionally unstable or detached or whatever. I haven't cried in a year, about anything. Oh sure, things have brought tears to my eyes, but I have not cried. There really is something wrong with me, and I'm too stupid or too scared to find out. I don't want to accept that my life isn't hunky- dory, but I can't get over the fact that it's not. I am so sorry that you ever got to know me, if only because I have only hurt you. You knew all along that I had feelings for Justin, but you trusted me to get over that and move on. I let you down, just like I have done to everyone I have ever known, even myself. I am so sorry. If you can ever forgive anything, then I'll still be sorry, and it will still be all my fault. You would do anything for me, and I know someday you will find a woman who will reciprocate 100%. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And there is something else I want to say, but I think it's better expressed in Spanish. You know how I am, I get upset and start thinking and bursting out in Spanish, and I can't think of how to say this in English right now: siempre te amará, pero no podemos estar enamorados con el otro. No puedo, y lo siento. Es mi culpa, y yo soy una persona fea para todo. Lo siento, lo siento. Te amo, pero no sé como. Solo sé no es como tú quieres que yo te ame. Lo siento, lo siento. I'm sorry for everything...
~~Karyn