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Rantings and Ravings of a Closet Manic Depressive


The Fun Begins!

12/15/01
Reminder
by: me ~ from: us ~ to: you

It seems like forever
That you left us behind.
No need to worry about us,
Weíll be just fine.
Itís you weíre worried Ďbout
Out on your own.
We know you can do it,
But you can always come home.
You know where to find us,
You just need to call
Just remember that always,
Weíll catch you if you fall.


12/15/01
Lonely Tears

I never used to cry,
It hurt more than it helped.
But since Iíve opened myself,
The hurt is what helps.

It helps me to cry,
It helps me to speak,
It helps me to try

These lonely tears,
Roll down my cheeks
Iíll never be happy,
And thatís all I seek

Not there, I cry
Not there, I speak.
Not there, why try?

Lonely tears flow forth
They chill to the core
I donít know who I am
I donít know much anymore

Lonely tears
Lonely fears
No heart
No start
Numbness
Dumbness
Lonely tears
In an empty room
From the empty eyes
Of an empty girl
With an empty soul.


12/4/01
Serpentine

You slither away out into the dark
A cowardly fool
And to think that our little spark
Could outshine the moon.
But you let evil get the best of you
You let it consume your soul
You slunk over that line
Back when you were mine
ĎCuz youíre serpentine
Your love stinks like turpentine
And youíre serpentine.

Now that I have another to hold me tight
As you tried to do
Thereís no slithering into the night
Nope, not like you.
ĎCuz you took an opportunity
And it fucked us both up
Now Iíve re-drawn that line
Now someone else is mine
But youíre still serpentine
Your love stinks like turpentine
ĎCuz youíre serpentine.



11/26/01
Memories

ďI knew that looking back on the tears would make me laugh, but I never thought that looking back on the laughs would make me cry...Ē

Everyone has a moment,
When itís her turn to shine,
And I never knew I had one
Didnít know that moment was mine.
I thought I was a reject,
Never loved by a soul.
Then the light shined on me,
And I was again whole.
I donít know who said it then,
I donít know who says it now,
But I know that Iíve survived
That Iíve made it through somehow.

Iíve made it because of the memories
Those thoughts I hold dear
Those times I was happy, when you were here.
There werenít happy memories at the end,
But I love those too
They make me me, they show the real you.

Everyone has a moment,
Something they canít forget.
Though he tries and he tries,
He canít do it yet.
I had one such moment,
Or I thought that I had,
But in the end, I suppose,
It wasnít all bad.
I continue to live, love, breathe
The world wonít stop, you see
Not for one single moment
And neither will I, not me.

I look back on the memories
I think of those times, angry, happy or sad.
Memories are all good, even those that are bad.
You canít pick and choose events in your life
Because that would be silly,
You have to learn from everything, every last memory.


11/7/01
1 Word is Worth 1000

No matter what I say
I goof something up
No matter what I do
I embarrass myself
There is no way to redeem myself
I say one simple word, someoneís hurt.
I say 1000 words, someone cries
No explanation suffices
It only compounds the problem
So I give up.
Iíll shut up.
You have my word.


11/7/01
I can do it
I just need a kick in the ass
I can do it
I just need a reason
I can do it
I just want a goal to aim for
I can do it
I just want a helping hand
I can do it
I just canít do it without you.
And thatís why itís hard.


11/01/01
Silence

The silence roars
The screaming dies
The poets laugh
The music cries

All there is is silence.
All there is is screaming
All there are are poets
All thatís gone is music.

The lyrics jar
The tune just sucks
The singer wails
The song just sucks.

All there is is silence
All there is is wailing
All there are are singers
All thatís gone is music.

The piano sobbed
The violin cried
The piccolo wept
The melody died.


11/1/01
Spiral of Something

You turn, thereís a problem
You turn back, safetyís gone
You turn to me, Iíve fled
You turn to someone, theyíre vacant
You turn in circles
Whirling twirling swirling
You turn, problem solved
You turn back, itís really gone
You turn to me, Iím there
You turn to someone, theyíre okay
You turn in circles
Spinning Grinning Winning



10/30/01
Finish Line

Iím sorry for what I said
I donít remember what it was
Iím sorry for what I did
I donít know why I did it

But Iím sure there was a reason
I know there was a point
And the point is this
Iím done. Iím done with you.

Iím sorry for dragging this out
I donít know what possessed me
Iím sorry for being hurt
I donít know what you expected

But Iím sure there was a reason
I know there was a point
And the point is this
Iím done. Iím done with you.


10/30/01
Donít

Please donít answer the phone
I donít want to hear it
Please donít write me a letter
I donít want to read it
Please donít show me your love
I donít want to see it.
Please donít tell me anything
I donít want to hear it.
Please donít write about me
I donít want to read it.
Please donít cry about me
I donít want to see it.
I donít want you here now
I donít want you here.
I donít want you
I donít want
I donít
I
I just donít.


10/30/01
Haunted

Bumps in the night
Will cease at first light
Ghouls in the dark
Will vanish at a spark
Of light. They are only
Imaginary, you see.
The dark can hide
Much. It keeps it inside
Itís blackness where
No sane man will dare
To venture. I have been
Where light isnít seen.
That hidden and secret space,
That buried and ignored place
Where we all keep
Feelings lying asleep.
I have seen what it means
To relive my dreams.
I have been deep within
Just under that tough skin.
I have looked in me
And this place that I see
Is dusty and old
But by no means cold.
It seethes with rage
And pain. Enough for an age
Of suffering, but I choose
To hide it all. I lose
All other feeling but
I have re-learned what
It means to ache and pine.
To lust after whatís not mine
Anymore. I know now,
But I also know how
To withdraw, to hide.
To keep these thoughts inside
For I know bumps in the night
Will cease at first light.
And ghouls in the dark
Will vanish at a spark
Of light.
My light
Was you.


10/26/01
Friends

When I tease you too much,
You kick my ass and tell me to go home.
When I act like a moron,
You laugh and say Iím nuts.
When I do something truly stupid
You shake your heads and chastise me

Thatís what I want you to do
To lift me up
To help me up
To let me know that you care
Thatís what I want you to do
To tell me the truth
To tell me what helps
To let me know that youíre there
For me.

When Iím down in the dumps,
You tell me itís OK and make me smile.
When Iím having a crisis,
You calm me down and help me think.
When I really need you,
Youíre there with me and you care for me.

Thatís all I need you to do
Is help me up
Is help me out
Is truly show that you care
Thatís all I need you to do
Is make me see clearly
Is make me think clearly
Is remind me that youíre there
For me always.

I love you guys... always


10/25/01
Some Things Just Arenít Fun

What does it mean to trust?
Does it mean never hurting the ones you love?
Does it mean doing what it takes to believe in someone?
Does it mean listening?
Does it mean feeling betrayed when they let you down?
Does it mean getting knocked down and getting up again?
Yes... to trust is to love
And what does it mean to love?
It means trusting them
And it means believing them
And it means not hurting them
And it means listening to them
And it means feeling betrayed by them when they let you down
And it means getting up again.


10/18/01
Not that Iím Bored or Anything...

Not that Iím bored or anything,
But Iím thinking about doing homework.
Not that Iím bored or anything,
But Iím thinking about coming clean.
Not that Iím bored or anything,
But Iím laughing about burping.

I wish I could entertain myself
I wish I had something fun (and free) to do
But all I can think of is that my footís really itchy...
Not that Iím bored or anything...


10/18/01
Put Together

Iíve heard it all before
Heard all of it and more
But I canít seem to hear
What youíre saying, dear.
It sounds like an apology
But is that what itís meant to be?

You tell me a piece
A little part of the story
And then I yearn for more
But when I get all the pieces
And put them together
The picture I get makes me sick.

I pretend to believe you now
But Iím lying to your face somehow
Itís because I have no reason to listen.
In these eyes the tears glisten
They shine but theyíll never fall
They never have, not for anyone at all.

Youíve said your piece
Youíve told me your story
I donít want to hear any more
Now Iíve got all the pieces
And Iíve put them together
And the picture I see makes me sick.


10/11/01
You say, it will be alright soon
You say, I will feel better soon
I say, it will never be alright
I say, I will never feel better
I want to scream I want to cry I want to puke I want to die
But I donít have it in me
Iím empty
Thereís nothing left to feel.

You said, Iíll never hurt you
You said, youíll never hurt
I said, you always hurt me
I said, I always hurt
I want to scream I want to cry I want to puke I want to die
But I donít have it in me
Iím empty
Thereís nothing left to feel

They say, theyíll miss me if I go
They say, they care for me
I say, no one cares
I say, no one cares
I want to scream I want to cry I want to puke I want to die
But I donít have it in me
Iím empty
Thereís nothing left to feel

So what if I leave?
So what if I stay?
No one would notice
Maybe itís better that way
All I want is a little love
I donít get it.
Never have
Never will.

I want to scream I want to cry I want to puke I want to die
But I donít have it in me
Iím empty
Thereís nothing left to feel.


10/4/01
On to Tomorrow

Thereís something in your eyes
Itís beautiful to me
Thereís something deep inside
That you just donít, wonít see
I donít know what it is
I donít know where itís from
I donít know why itís there
But itís beautiful to me.

I want you to know the truth
But itís so hard to say
I donít want you around
But I canít let you go away
I want and I need and I feel
And I move on to tomorrow

Tomorrow is just another day,
Itís something I hold dear
Tomorrow I will get my way
Which is to ignore my fear
I donít know what it is
I donít know what itís of
I donít know why itís there
But itís time to ignore the fear

I want you to know the truth
But itís so hard to say
I still want you around,
But I know itís better this way
I want and I need and I feel
And I move on to tomorrow

You hurt me before
Then you hurt me once more
And I canít allow you to do it again
You made up for it before
And youíre trying to once more
But I wonít let you try it again

I want you to know the truth
But itís so hard to say
I donít want you around
Iíll make you go away
I want and I need and I feel
And I move on to tomorrow

Tomorrow is just another day
Nothing special at all
But tomorrow Iíll have my way
Tomorrow youíll be gone.

I want and I need and I feel
And I move on to tomorrow.




9/27/01
Flying

Soaring through the sky
And feeling so alone, yet free,
Then I catch your eye,
And I know you're there for me.
It's like I'm a bird up here,
Flying and whirling so fast.
But I'm not afraid, I have no fear.
What's done is done, forget the past.
As I fly through the air,
Cooled in the clouds, warmed by the sun,
I can't see you but I feel you there.
It's a comfort knowing there's someone.
Someone who's flying with me,
And feeling alone, but so free.
Thinking that I'm finally home,
And feeling so free, but so alone.


9/27/01
Untitled

The end to the faerie tale
The beginning of a nightmare
And just when I thought all was fair,
Things get all screwed up once more.
As I read it I felt myself go pale
And I couldn't help but think of you as a "male"
There was something painful in there
Something that cuts you to the core.
And it hurts me even more,
This terrible end to a dreamed up faerie tale.

I've never given so much, only to lose it all
But I have found the strength to stay
Not to ignore the sun and the light of day
I don't need you to be me.
I have someone to support me and to break my fall.
I have people behind me, people big and small
And I love them more each day.
They are the people that I need
And that's who I want them to be.
I give them so much, and they give me their all.

I comfort myself with the everyday, the mundane.
I have no idea what you do to calm down.
Perhaps you should continue to frown,
If only for a short little while.
This all seems so inane
And you might think that I'd go insane
But I'm not going to, at least not now.
I don't know what you meant, but either way it's vile.
And I'm gaining confidence meanwhile.
But I still can't get you out of my brain.

GET OUT! I don't want you here right now.


9/26/01
Blind

How could I be so blind to innocence?
How could I be so blind to the truth?
How could I be so blind to you?
I'm hurt and
I'm confused and
I don't know when I can trust again
At least you told me
I could have heard from someone else.
I wish that things were how I want them to be
But they're not
And I have a choice:
To live with it
Or die.
I don't want to die, that's too easy.
It's too easy
It's the coward's way out, and I am braver than that.
This isn't something worth that.
I can handle it
I'm tough
And I still can't cry.
It's because I'm so blind to myself.


9/26/01
Coffee

Smell it, it's there
See it, it's there
Hear it, it's there
Feel it, it's there
Taste it, it's there
Know it, it's there
What you need to do is easy
Just smell
Just look
Just listen
Just feel
Just taste
Just think
And maybe for once I can be right.


9/26/01
Believing

I Believed in you
Now I don't believe you
I trusted in you
Now I don't trust you
I loved you
Now I am afraid.
Afraid that I lost myself again
And I don't know when I'll find me.
9/15/01
Explode

I feel like I'm bursting at the seams
That one by one the stitches holding me together are ripping
I have struggled before to retain stability
But never against so much that could make me fall
I don't know how long I can hold out
I don't know how long I can hold on to my sanity, to myself
A part of everyone has died
But I wonder if i wasn't dying already
I've always kept it all hidden inside, no mater what
But emotion and pain seethe just below the surface
Just below the surface of who I'm pretending to be
And I'm pretending to be strong
Pretending to be strong
If you don't bend, you'll break
And I'm bent backwards and upside down
And I'm ready to explode from it all.


9/12/01 (happy 19th birthday to me)
Shattered

Everything in ruins
All i knew is gone
thousands are gone
a sense of security that is no longer there
everything so close to home
but it is home
and i won't let anyone destroy it
or force me out of it
and even though life as i knew it is gone forever
i will go on
not everything is gone
i still have time to pick up the pieces
i still have people to help me move on
i still have time



8/29/01
Causing Pain

Causing pain
It seems it's all I do
I feel that pain
Whenever I look at you
I can't stand to do this now
I hate myself
For loving you
I hate to do this to you now
I can't stand myself
For not loving only you
And it makes me want to cry
And it makes me want to scream
And it makes me want to laugh
Because it hurts me
To hurt you
When I hurt myself
By loving
By feeling
Causing pain
It's the only thing I do
I feel that pain
Whenever I look at you
Causing pain


8/29/01
Don't Think about It
('Cause it hurts me too)

You think we should be married
But we're not
You think we should be together
But we're not
You think that there is magic with us
Maybe there is, or maybe there was,
But we're not
I thought we were, but we're not
Not so long ago
We won't be
Not when I have you
I would rather suffer
Ten thousand times over
Than what I already am now
I would rather suffer
Than do that to you
I can't make me change
You think we should
But we're not
And that's all that matters


8/29/01
Plain and Simple

Missing you as you sit home and twiddle your thumbs
Missing you as you sit home and do you homework
Missing you as you go out with the fam
Missing you as you go out with the clique
Plain and simple, kid
You crack me up
You keep my head on straight
And I thought I was supposed to be the responsible example
Missing you as I sit here and try to twiddle my thumbs
Missing you as I sit here and avoid my homework
Missing you as I go out with the class
Missing you as I go out with the friends
Plain and simple, kid
You crack me up
You make me see past me
And I thought I was supposed to be the strong one
But you're the only sis I've got
Plain and simple, kid


8/25/01
No One at Home

There are lights on in the house
But thereís no one at home.
There are people on the streets
But thereís no one at home.
I head for the house
But thereís no one at home.

Itís like I left a long time ago,
And now I canít go back
Even though, I am back
And thereís nowhere else for me to go.

There are people in my house
But I donít feel at home.
This is my family
But I donít feel at home
Itís like I donít belong here anymore
And I donít feel at home.

Itís like I left for good a short time ago
And I thought I could come back
But now that I am back,
Iím not home, with nowhere else to go.

The lights are on, there are people there
But for me, Iím never at home.
Thereís people outside, and my family within,
But for me, this is no longer home.
I want to be back where I belong
I want to go home.


8/1/01
Switches

There are switches in my mind
That no one turns off
When I need them to most
There are switches in my head
That someone turns on
When I expect it least
These switches that some ghost
Is playing with in my brain
Direct new trains of thought,
Or derail the old ones.
These switches that I
Didnít know were there
Wreak havoc on me
And you.
Because ďonĒ letís me think one thing,
And thatís what I share,
But ďoffĒ switches are the opposite,
And I tell you that too.
There are switches
In the vacuum of my mind
And just when things look brightest,
Someone switches off the lights.
There are switches
In the wasteland of my mind
And just when things look bleakest,
Someone switches on the lights.
And I change my mind
Again.


8/1/01
La MŠscara

Cada persona tiene una cara
Pero muchas personas se llevan la mŠscara.
No quieren que el mundo puede ver
Lo que se creen, que pueden hacer.
Tambiťn yo tengo una mŠscara para mŪ
No quiero ninguno, sůlo yo leŪ
Las palabras en esto corazůn de mŪ,
Las palabrotas en esto corazůn de mŪ.
Hay dos personas en el mundo, quien yo amo mejor,
Y ellos me ven, mejor, y peor.
Para ellos, me quito la mŠscara
Que pueden ver mi cara.

**translation? Click here**



7/21/01
Twisted

You captured the heart of me so long ago
But I didnít know it then.
Youíve always been afraid to let your feelings show
But youíve always been a friend.
Then he stole a piece of me away from you
And you knew what youíd had
I let you steal a bigger piece of me too
And loving you both isnít bad

Itís just that Iím twisted for him
And Iím twisting for you
And I have absolutely, positively no idea what to do.
Youíve got me all tied up
And itís my heart youíve got trapped
And Iím twisting myself into a big mess again.
I canít live without one, Iím not complete without the other
Who is which, Iím not sure
Youíre both dear friends, youíre more dear than a brother
Though with both, something more.
I try to let him take me away, but I just canít do it now
I know I should, wish I could
You mean the world to me, and I wish I could show you how
How I love you, how I care, wish I could.
Iím tying myself in knots once again
Iím tying my heart in huge knots once again
Iím locking myself up and throwing away the key
Iím tying myself in knots once again
Iím tying my mind in huge knots again
Iím locking myself up and throwing away the key
I wish I hadnít let you in
I wish I hadnít let myself go
I wish I wishÖ but itís too late
And just when I thought I had untangled myself

Itís just that Iím twisted for you
And Iím twisting for him
And I have absolutely, positively no idea what to do.
Youíve got me all tied up
And itís my heart youíve got trapped
And Iím twisting myself into a big mess again.
And Iíve twisted myself into a big mess again.


7/21/01
The sun once set in the east
On the eve of some kingdomís great feast
All the subjects were toasted
Though the pigs were quite roasted
Said the King, ďGot rid of the Queen, at least.Ē


7/18/01
I donít deserve this
I didnít do anything wrong
I donít deserve this
I shouldnít be writing this song
I donít deserve this
Donít try to tell me I do
I donít deserve this
I donít deserve you.

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