bad religion: along the way

this is a large amount of stuff varying in subject that i've found, or have been forwarded to me. lot of the time i have to format it for html, but other than that it's unchanged (unless noted)

this guy is really hit and miss with his comics, this time he hit :)

© Max Cannon -- 2000

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moo moo i am voodoo cursing you!!

click here to see SWAMI CAT

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the youth of this nation . . .

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santa at it again...

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Stone Throwing Baboons Take Revenge on Driver

Stone-throwing baboons in Saudi Arabia waited three days on the side of a mountain road to take revenge on a driver who had killed one of their group.

Al-Riyadh reported on Saturday that the primates laid in wait and ambushed the driver on the same mountain road in southwest Saudi Arabia from Mecca to Taif where the baboon had been run down earlier in the week.

After spotting the car responsible for the death, one of the apes screamed out a signal to the rest to attack, provoking the frenzied stone throwing. Although the driver was able to escape, the apes broke out the windshield of his car.

At least 350,000 baboons live in the Gulf state.

© msn news
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National News
Wednesday July 12 8:54 AM EDT

By Treat Warland
New Haven, CT - In one of the more controversial commencement addresses memory, Oracle CEO and college dropout Larry Ellison told Yale's Class of 2000 they were "losers" whose hard-won diplomas would never propel them into the ranks of the super rich. The evangelical Ellison, noting that college dropouts Bill Gates, Paul Allen, and Michael Dell were, like himself, on Forbes' recent top 10 list of billionaires, urged freshmen and sophomores at the ceremony to "drop out and start up," and added that the undereducated Yale security guards who ushered him off stage probably had a better shot at uber-wealth than graduating seniors.

What follows is a transcript of the speech delivered by Ellison at the Yale University last month: "Graduates of Yale University, I apologize if you have endured this type of prologue before, but I want you to do something for me. Please, take a good look around you. Look at the classmate on your left. Look at the classmate on your right. Now, consider this: five years from now, 10 years from now, even 30 thirty years from now, odds are the person on your left is going to be a loser. The person on your right, meanwhile, will also be a loser. And you, in the middle? What can you expect? Loser. Loserhood. Loser Cum Laude. "In fact, as I look out before me today, I don't see a thousand hopes for a bright tomorrow. I don't see a thousand future leaders in a thousand industries. I see a thousand losers. You're upset. That's understandable. After all, how can I, Lawrence 'Larry' Ellison, college dropout, have the audacity to spout such heresy to the graduating class of one of the nation's most prestigious institutions?

I'll tell you why. Because I, Lawrence "Larry" Ellison, second richest man on the planet, am a college dropout, and you are not. "Because Bill Gates, richest man on the planet-for now, anyway-is a college dropout, And you are not. "Because Paul Allen, the third richest man on the planet, dropped out of college, and you did not. "And for good measure, because Michael Dell, No. 9 on the list and moving up fast, is a college dropout, and you, yet again, are not. "Hmm... you're very upset. That's understandable. So let me stroke your egos for a moment by pointing out, quite sincerely, that your diplomas were not attained in vain.

Most of you, I imagine, have spent four to five years here, and in many ways what you've learned and endured will serve you well in the years ahead. You've established good work habits. You've established a network of people that will help you down the road. And you've established what will be lifelong relationships with the word 'therapy.' All that of is good. For in truth, you will need that network. You will need those strong work habits. You will need that therapy. "You will need them because you didn't drop out, and so you will never be among the richest people in the world. Oh sure, you may, perhaps, work your way up to No. 10 or No. 11, like Steve Ballmer. But then, I don't have to tell you who he really works for, do I? And for the record, he dropped out of grad school. Bit of a late bloomer.

"Finally, I realize that many of you, and hopefully by now most of you, are wondering, 'Is there anything I can do? Is there any hope for me at all?' Actually, no. It's too late. You've absorbed too much, think you know too much. You're not 19 anymore. You have a built-in cap, and I'm not referring to the mortar boards on your heads. "Hmm... you're really very upset. That's understandable. So perhaps this would be a good time to bring up the silver lining. Not for you, Class of '00. You are a write-off, so I'll let you slink off to your pathetic $200,000-a-year jobs, where your checks will be signed by former classmates who dropped out two years ago. "Instead, I want to give hope to any underclassmen here today. I say to you, and I can't stress this enough: leave. Pack your things and your ideas and don't come back. Drop out. Start up. "For I can tell you that a cap and gown will keep you down just as surely as these security guards dragging me off this stage are keeping me dow..."

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stile worth keeping
the original message is written in red, stile's reply is black, afterwards

man i just wanted to say that you are one ambitious fuck. i'm going to MCSE school to be someones fucking networking puppet for the rest of my life while you're doing what seems like whatever the fuck you wanna do whenever the fuck you feel like it. that's gotta be one helluva way to live man. you say all these things about living in yer mom's basement and shit, but man at least u don't gotta pay rent and be $30,000 in debt for school (i went to a university for 3 years on loans and pretty much wasted my entire time there). well man, i'm not saying yer my idol or anything, but i really respect you, not for who you are, but for what you do. funny thing is, i'm almost expecting you to make fun of me for this email, which in some sad sick way will just add to the little bit of escape your site brings into my daily life. also, i'll probably be one of the very few people to tell you this: when you get sick of stileproject and dotcult and stilenet, just quit doing it. i'm sure it's gotta be fucked up in many different ways to have so many thousands of people depending on you for updates and visiting your site every day and clicking on ANYTHING you link to. then again, i really cannot say i have a true idea of the sense of accomplishment you must feel. apparently this email was pretty pointless, and i coulda summed it up into about one whole word.

Okay, I totally understand where you are coming from, but there are a few things you and the people that read this website don't seem to understand.

This website and everything related to is not based on ambition! It's compulsion. I have NO OTHER CHOICE but to do it. My brain makes these bad chemicals which forces my body to react in a certain way to produce this content by having my fingers hit this plastic keyboard in a certain manner.

This was all an accident. Two years ago I was 20 years old and still in High School. I was smoking pot all the time and had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I was actually planning to get my MCSE (Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer) or become A+ certified (computer technician) as well.

After I finally graduated High School (after six motherfucking lousy years) I was in a great state of depression. I didn't know what to do with my life. I slept the entire summer and lost almost all of my friends. I barely even graduated High School -- I missed 50% of it and my marks were always extremely low. I never had the ambition or drive to succeed. It all seemed pointless to me.

At the end of that summer I eventually got a job working for my brothers company in the back of a warehouse. From 8AM to 5PM everyday I was either packing boxes or doing data entry on a 12 year old black and white Macintosh.

Let me say this, I was absolutely miserable. In my spare time I would work on my little home page on the free space that my ISP gave me, and I slowly noticed that more and more people were reading it. I was enthralled. It was like magic to me -- being able to interact with the people that came to my page, being able to take their suggestions and criticism and mold it into something that people could enjoy.

At this point I had not had sexual intercourse in around 2 years.

When Stile Project originally began I envisioned it as a place where people could come to be entertained and not have to worry about trying to be something they weren't. A place where there where no rules and you didn't have to conform to others expectations.

Media anarchy with form.

I know it sounds like a grande idea, but that's the way I really felt when I started this site.

I couldn't be more happy now that I am independent of any "network" and don't have to kiss ass and play by other peoples rules. So I have to deal with nasty porn banners on the site. SO what. That's a small price to pay for total editorial and creative freedom.

Don't think that my life is some kind of magical mystery tour, because it's not. I too pay my mom rent. My family is extremely dysfunctional, and I think they are all slightly retarded. I still have my fair share of emotional and social problems -- mainly the fact I can't leave my house without getting paranoid or suffering from extreme anxiety.

I put more hours into this website and the others I run than I ever though possible. All I do is sit here until I'm about to pass out, then I drag my ass to the couch or bed and crash. Repeat seven days a week, three hundred and sixty five days a year. I swear to God I must work on Stile Project, and the sites in stileNET for at least 15 hours a day, every day.

I'm the Webmaster, System Administrator, Advertising Representative, CEO, Vice Pesident, CFO, CIO, COO, COC, Janitor, VP of Marketing... The list goes on and on. I'm a one man company. I can't tell you how many times I've fired and re-hired myself back again after promising myself I won't look at porn websites on company time. I don't even have a motherfucking dental plan and I hate my boss.

I still get e-mails from people asking how they can help out financially. I couldn't take anyone's money. The thought just seems inherently wrong to me. The only thing I can offer is to buy a Stile Project T-shirt. I get $5.00 which is going towards yet another server and you get a high quality shirt in return.

I don't know where I'm going with all this stileNET shit. I'm just taking it one day at a time. All my friends are in school and I never see them anymore and it's really depressing. I leave the house once a week to buy cigarettes. My only friends are invisible people in chat rooms and I just don't know what to do with my life anymore.

Most of the money that I make off this site goes to pay for the bandwidth bill. The rest goes to my Pizza and cigarette fund. If you ever saw me in real life you'd think I was some street kid or something. I look like total shit, and pretty much feel the same way.

I shower once a week and usually wear the same clothes I sleep in. And you know what? I don't care. It's not like I have to impress anyone. Oh yeah, I have more hair on my ass than I do on my head.

What I'm trying to say here is that it seems like you envy me, and you know what? You shouldn't. I am a slave to the machine like only a few other people can relate to. Mainly other webmasters (my heart goes out to you all). I wish I had a normal life. I wish I was in University and had a girlfriend and hung out with my friends and got drunk on the weekend. I would gladly give up doing this site for something normal.

People ask me how it feels to have so much "power." How the hell should I know? I don't use my links to try and hurt anyone or do anything too political. This site is just a documentation of what I enjoy on the web and that's that. People read into this and my Stile persona too much. I'm just a guy who spends way too much time on his computer and enjoys sharing the information with the people that read his page.

And you know what? I don't feel a sense of accomplishment. I don't feel anything really, I'm quite numb. I've been on Antidepressants for ages now, and they are the only thing that keeps me from having a nervous breakdown and just crawling into bed for a few weeks.

I can't remember the last time I cried, which is also kind of strange.

Anyhow, thanks for writing Joey and I hope I've shed some light onto why getting a REAL education and REAL job is a good idea, and why being me is an amazingly simple yet extremely complicated thing at the same time. Don't envy me. In reality, I envy you.

There are so many factors and politics that come into play when running a popular website. The people that you have to keep happy, overzealous "fans," making sure the server is in good shape and your ISP hasn't fucked anything up. Most of the time I'm just sitting here monitoring the activity on the server making sure that everything is running smoothly. Lately the site has been going down so much that I've been going crazy. If I didn't have my friend Kevin helping me out this site would have been down a long time ago.

If I were to recommend anything to anyone it would be this: Just be yourself, try to follow your own ideals and dreams. Most people switch careers five times in their lives and you will eventually find something that you love and want to do it for the rest of your life.

I don't think I could ever quit doing this site. It's a part of me now whether I like it or not. I have sacrificed the last year and a half of my life to make this work, and I'm not about to give up now.

I honestly don't know how long this site's popularity will last, but I'm here now, and I think I'll be around for a while longer. There are lots of things that I'd like to do, like making short movies and producing some type of original content. I just can't find the time right now.

Bigger, better, faster. One day I will make my vision of what I want Stile Project to really be a reality. For now I will have to settle with this. There are so many things I want to do I can't even begin to describe them to you all.

One thing that I have learned is that the only constant in life is change, and change is good.

this was taken from stile project
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Everquest is really cool! :-B

This is a screenshot from Everquest. There are two known dragons in the game world: Lord Vox, and the one you see here - Nagafen. Apparently a large group of VERY high level characters decided to try to take down Nagafen. The story says there were 20-30 Level 45+ characters, maybe more! For those who don't play, yet - When you die in Everquest, you're body stays where it dropped, with all of the items and money you were carrying. You respawn after death in a town where you have been "Bound" (a spell which controls where you re-spawn). Unfortunately, you re-spawn naked, and according to some folks in-the-know, the dead people in the above screenshot were carrying some of the best equipment in the game. The screenshot was either taken by a GM, or a very high level thief or magic user capable of sneaking past Nagafen. It seems Nagafen had his way with all of them. Dragons are cool!

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Top 10 Rejection Lines

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)
5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really means)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)

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Hooking Up: Protective Pairing for Punks
by Stephen Donaldson
Note: this advice article was written for incarcerated heterosexual male survivors of prisoner rape, but provides a good description of a unique form of sexual relationship which is an important part of the culture of confinement.

As long ago as 1826, shortly after the building of the first penitentiaries, Louis Dwight described the practice prisoners now call "hooking up" and we call protective pairing, an informal arrangement which has remained ever since the collective response of prisoners to the problem of ongoing sexual assault in confinement. There is historical evidence for similar relationships among the ancient Romans, medieval Vikings, and the Caribbean pirates of the 17th C. In most joints the overwhelming majority of rape survivors who remain in or go back to general population do become hooked up as members of such pairs, however distasteful they may find the idea, because they believe it to be the least damaging way to survive in custody. One reason why this custom has survived for so long is that the alternatives for the known rape victim are usually even more unacceptable. These are a series of very serious and bloody fights, and maybe a lot more time; suicide (a permanent "solution" to a temporary problem); repeated exposure to gang-rapes; paying someone for protection; and permanent consignment to "protective custody" in Seg. This last option, p.c., may not even be safe, staff may not allow you to stay there indefinitely, and solitary can drive you crazy if endured for too long. If you're short or only in jail for a short time or a real hermit, you might as well do the rest of your time in p.c. and you don't need to read this. Otherwise, as the authors of Men Behind Bars: Sexual Exploitation in Prison, who studied the problem at length, concluded: "For the majority of these 'targets' the best and safest coping strategy is to 'hook up' with a jocker." Still, it is your choice as to which path, none of them good, you want to take.

This brochure is written for those rape survivors who are in and want to stay in population, or who are in p.c. and considering going back into population; who are considering getting hooked up or are already hooked up; and who are punks (we do not use the term "punk" as a put-down, just as the most common and widely understood term for prisoners, usually straight or bisexual youths, who have been forced or pressured into an unwanted passive sexual role), rather than gays. Much of this information also applies to queens, but since gays usually have more experience and fewer problems relating sexually to males, this is written specifically for punks. General description of protective pairing Prisoners take hooking up very seriously, for it involves a commitment on the part of both partners, which neither can break (as long as they remain hooked up) without major consequences. The quality of these relationships ranges enormously, from virtual slavery and complete exploitation at one end to a mutually supportive, tender and human exchange of affection at the other. The senior partner, or "man" in prisoner slang (also called "daddy," "old man," "jocker," "pitcher," and other terms), in a protective pair is most often not a rapist himself, though he may take advantage of the consequences of a rape by offering protection to a new punk. Sometimes a rapist will try to hook up with his victim. In any case he obligates himself to provide complete protection for his punk or junior partner (also called "kid", "boy," "sweet boy," "fuckboy," "catcher," and other terms) from further sexual assaults from anyone else, from violence, from theft, and from other forms of disrespect. Usually as soon as it becomes known that you are hooked up (and the news will spread like wildfire), everyone else will back off and stop hassling you, and deal with you only through your "man." Any "daddy" who fails to protect you will be seen as weak and may thereby make himself a target for sexual assault. Sometimes two or more buddies will share the "daddy" role, and in many joints a whole gang will take control of a punk. These "pitchers" are usually straight, sometimes bisexual; they consider their punks to be substitutes for women, and they usually do not consider their own penetrative sexual acts or their relationships with punks to be "homosexual," just masculine, though they may think that what you have to do for them is "homosexual." In a broad sense, they habitually treat their punks the way they are used to treating their women on the Street. The punk has to give up his independence and his control over his own body to his "man" as the price for this protection. He has to put out sexually in a passive role, giving up head or ass or both. This deal is never totally voluntary for the punk: it is often coercive, the alternatives are frightful, and it is motivated above all by the need to survive in a place where the punk has been marked as a perpetual target for gang-rape and other forms of abuse. But it is still very different from a series of violent gang- rapes, and, in the age of AIDS, far safer. We call these relationships "survival-driven" from the punk's perspective. A punk often is able to choose his protector from among various candidates, especially if he is willing to put up a fight (even knowing he'll lose) or is not in a particularly rough joint, and he may be able to establish a relationship of mutual concern, which is a far cry from the pure exploitation of the sexual assaulter. It must be understood, however, that the "pitcher" makes the rules and the "catcher" follows them. In a particularly tough joint, a punk may be no more than a slave, but usually the relationship allows you some leverage or room to maneuver and have your wishes considered, as long as you respect the basic rules of the relationship. While a jocker will never tolerate open rebellion, he usually seeks to get along with his punk and avoid an atmosphere of constant tension. He would rather relax around his punk, and over time he can and often does develop genuine affection for him and allow a considerable degree of give-and-take in the non-sexual aspects of the partnership. But the sexual part is pretty fixed and you can't really hope to get out of it. It may be very hard for you to deal with belonging to somebody else and having to substitute for a girl and satisfy a guy sexually, but at least you only have to do it with one guy or a small number, rather than anybody who can catch you. Your risk of infection with the AIDS virus is greatly reduced, often to zero (see SPR's AIDS and the Rape Survivor). You don't have to fight at all and can avoid physical injury, and it is some comfort knowing that a dead punk is of no value to anybody. Often hooking up will improve your financial situation as well, since a jocker is expected to see that his punk gets the canteen necessities of life. Hooking up means you have definitely become a punk and will be considered a punk for as long as you stay in the joint, so if you decide to hook up, you might as well get used to that status. Your "old man" will control all sexual access to you, and will expect you to do what he tells you. Some daddies share their punks with their buddies. Others will make you turn tricks for canteen goods, drugs, or other favors. You may well be given duties other than sex: for example, doing laundry, cleaning his cell, making up his bunk, fixing coffee for him, or giving him backrubs. The advantage of protective pairing with one guy is that the two of you can get to know each other very well, especially if you cell together (which is to your advantage), and that makes for a more human relationship. You are less likely to be seen as an object to be used and exploited, and more like a junior partner. Much depends on the jocker, because guys vary enormously in the way they treat punks: some beat their punks and mistreat them, others get very affectionate and take good care of you, and there is everything in between. A small partnership among 2 to 5 jocks who are friends and cooperate harmoniously with each other is pretty secure for you, and means you aren't as dependent on the whims of one person, but such arrangements are not as common and may not be stable. The advantage of hooking up with a gang or tip is that their protection from people outside the gang is a pretty sure thing, and they can keep you in canteen goods. The disadvantage is that you have to sexually service the entire gang, which may seem like just a gentler form of gang-rape, and it is harder to develop a personal relationship because your time and attention are so divided. In some joints, gangs may be so strong that you have no choice but to accept a gang's claim on you. Many gangs will force punks into prostitution. If one of the other prisoners does try to put pressure on you after you've hooked up, tell your daddy about it right away; he'll handle the matter. The whole compound will know as soon as you get hooked up that you are someone's kid. It's an essential part of the system, so don't fight it. All the booty bandits and other jockers have to be warned off. It isn't always verbal, and a lot or all of the staff may never find out. For instance, you may eat all your meals together with your "old man"; people will notice and draw the right conclusion. Once you are hooked up, you will be respected to the same degree that your jocker is respected. Nobody will be allowed to hassle you or dis you, for that would be seen as the equivalent of dissing your jock. Once you are hooked up and seen as belonging to someone, a rape by anyone else is cause for a very serious fight, so it is rare. It works best if you are housed together with your jock because then he can protect you better. If you're in different blocks, it's hard for him to look out for you. If you share a double cell with each other, then nobody can enter that cell without permission from him or you, and you'll have more privacy and plenty of time to talk with each other and keep misunderstandings from arising. On the other hand, if you share a double with someone else, strange guys may not refrain from entering it, and it can lead to tensions between your partner and your cellie. Staff attitudes The attitudes of the keepers towards pairs vary a great deal. Most veteran guards and administrators are realistic enough to recognize that protective pairing minimizes the violence in the joint, and that you don't really have much in the way of alternatives, so they won't press the protective pair very hard, often not at all. But officially they still consider your sexual activity a violation of disciplinary codes, so you have to be discrete and careful to keep sex out of sight of the cops. See our handout on dealing with staff. Rookies often try to enforce every rule in the book, and cops may be prejudiced and homophobic and go out of their way to catch you. And sometimes you'll run into higher ranking officers or staffers with a homophobic bee up their ass about sex between prisoners and you'll have to really watch out. You don't want to get caught having sex, so you should always pay attention to security and don't be foolish. Fortunately, security is mainly your "man's" job and you can generally leave it up to him to make sure you don't get busted. It doesn't hurt to remind him of that duty from time to time, since horny guys sometimes do get carried away and start thinking with their dicks instead of their heads. Understanding jockers The basic fact of the matter is that most males, when separated from females, and especially when they're young and full of sex hormones which make them horny all the time, can become sexually aroused at the thought of penetrating anyone, regardless of their real sex. The nerves which produce pleasure in the dick don't ask if it's a girl's mouth, a boy's mouth; an ass or a pussy. For these guys to be turned on and horny doesn't really require any kind of feminine qualities in you, though the jockers usually prefer to imagine such qualities so they won't have to think of their attraction as homosexual. That's why they'll try to tell you you have feminine qualities even if it's not true. When locked up, men get bored with beating off and lonesome and start looking for someone else to provide sexual relief. Also there's an unexpressed human need for touch and intimacy and prisoners don't recognize any other way to meet that need. It is also a question of men feeling a need to confirm their own sense of their masculinity, which they feel is somewhat compromised by the fact that they're locked up, by functioning in their accustomed male sexual roles as penetrators and dominant controllers. Prisoners all have to constantly take orders from the authorities, which makes them feel like slaves of the state. As a compensation they like to find a way to be the boss with someone else and give orders themselves. Sex is a vehicle for a jocker to express all these non-sexual needs. At the same time only a very small fraction of prisoners the queens enjoy being sexually passive, taking care of another guy's dick. This tremendous imbalance between the demand for catchers by most of the fellows and the very small or nonexistent supply of available willing partners is extremely important to understanding the way prisoners relate to each other. There's no way to increase the supply of queens, so all the effort goes into trying to "turn out" new punks. Unfortunately, the main means by which they turn out punks is rape and the threat of it. Jockers frequently loan out their punks to their friends, usually as a way of ensuring their loyalty to him or to reinforce his position as a leader. In a way, this is good for you, since the more backup he has, the safer you'll be. And when he's not around, you can turn to his friends in an emergency. Sometimes it is just a way to repay a favor. Jockers know you won't get pregnant by someone else. They may, however, be afraid that you could get infected with AIDS and for that reason keep you, or at least your ass, to themselves. You should encourage them to do so. Since many jockers have very little money, those who are poor are very tempted to use you as an asset with which to make money or get canteen goods. In fact, some jocks (especially professional pimps from the Street) will hook up with a punk for no other reason. In effect they continue their pimp trade on the inside. Avoid them if you can. When you're put "on the block," your old man lets other guys know that you are available for a price and the other guys negotiate with your "owner" and then he tells you what to do and with whom and when. If you have a chance to negotiate with a jocker over this, try to get a veto over particular customers, and especially try to limit it to head jobs, in order to keep the risk of AIDS low. Some jockers will keep everything they get this way to themselves, more will share it with you 50-50, and there is every possibility in between. If you can possibly do so, find a jocker who will not rent you out at all. Jockers will almost never switch roles with you or let you penetrate them, and they may get very upset if you even suggest it. Some of them may be willing to jerk you off, but most don't want to be reminded that you even have a dick. It is very important to them that they stay within what they consider the "man" role. They may, however, be willing to consider other human needs of yours, such as the need for affection, for touch, for comforting, and they will often try to see to it that you are as comfortable as possible while having sex. Within the rules of the game, most jockers try to get along with their kids as well as possible, so as long as you live up to your part of the deal they won't get mean or hurt you. If you make them happy, you are even likely to find that over time, they'll become grateful, and try to keep you relatively happy, too. But don't expect that gratitude will ever go to the extent of relieving you of your sexual obligations. Jocks can treat you like a slave and sell you to some other jock whenever they get tired of you or run out of money. They can also fall in love with you and get very jealous of anyone else. It takes all kinds. Some of the jocks who play the gorilla game and act extremely tough, callous, and cold-hearted will relax once they get hooked up and learn to trust you and show a whole different and unexpected side of themselves. You have to understand that for jockers the world of confinement is one of constant competition, with everyone looking for a weakness. So guys put up a false front which never admits any vulnerability. But this makes them less human. When they get hooked up, they have someone to relate to, who is no longer an actual or potential competitor. Especially when you've accepted their claim, they can feel you're on the same team. Thus they can relax, and become very gentle if they want, and as they learn to trust you and you show you can keep confidences to yourself they may tell you things about themselves that they would never tell other jockers. They may share their own anxieties and fears and their deepest feelings, and they will listen to you as you learn to trust them and can talk about your own feelings. Thus you have a good chance at developing a human relationship where each of you really cares about the other and you work together to keep the relationship smooth. Generally the older the jocker is, the more likely he is to want to develop a real partnership with you rather than just get his rocks off. Choosing a daddy This usually has to be done pretty quickly or events will overwhelm you and you may get gang-raped or forced to hook up before you can make a choice. But if you want to have a choice, as soon as you decide to hook up you should tell the other prisoners; the word will get around fast and guys will then start to talk with you about it. It can get pretty hectic. The relationship begins when a jocker puts a claim on you, and you accept or recognize the claim, either voluntarily or under duress. If more than one guy wants to claim you, you'll usually get to choose, but sometimes the jockers will settle the matter among themselves and you'll just be stuck with the winner. If you have some time before you have to make a commitment and you can keep your head straight about it, you can often get more than one guy to become interested in you; this allows you more choice and greatly improves your bargaining position. Often there is such a strong demand for punks that jockers start competing for you right away in any case. Since the character of your partner will be the most important factor in shaping your further experience behind bars, and jockers range from assholes who only abuse and exploit their punks to lonely fellows looking for someone to really care about, it is important for you to try to get a choice. If you have any negotiating room at all before committing yourself to someone, discuss what he expects from you in detail and try to work out the most favorable arrangement. Even put it in writing! Probably the single most important thing has to do with avoiding AIDS: get him to agree not to fuck your ass without a condom or let anyone else do so. If he insists on fucking your ass, try to get him to not let anyone else do it, to "keep your pussy for himself alone." A lot of jockers like the idea of keeping "pussy" to themselves even if they'll make you give head to their friends or for pay. Spend as much time as you can with the jockers who want to hook up with you; ask them lots of questions and judge for yourself how sincere they are. Ask other prisoners (especially punks and queens) about their reps. The more information you can get, the better your choice will be. Once you make it, you are pretty much stuck with it. You'll want to know if the jocker wants to "put you on the block" (which unfortunately is pretty common), whether he has ever shot up drugs (and therefore might carry the AIDS virus), whether he'll settle for head or insists you give up your ass as well, whether he'll allow anyone else to fuck your ass or keep it for himself, whether he'll loan you out to his buddies, whether he wants to cell with you, and what the relationship means to him. Check out how serious the guy is. Protective pairing is a very serious matter for him as well, since it obligates him to put his life on the line if necessary to keep you from harm, and if you are foolish or stupid and fuck up, he may have to suffer for your mistake. Ask him about any previous catchers he's had and how they managed together and why they split. If any of them are still around, talk with them. Ask him what he feels his responsibilities would be and what yours would be. Also ask about canteen arrangements. Jockers may well insist on having sex with you before putting a claim on you. It's not an unreasonable demand, since sex is such an important part of the deal, and if he's willing to limit himself to head it makes sense for him to find out if you can satisfy him that way. But make sure you're both serious first, or anybody could use it as an excuse to go up in you. You can tell a lot about a jock by how he behaves with you sexually. If he breaks contact with you right after he comes, it may be a sign of discomfort and guilt on his part or that he sees you as just a piece of meat. On the other hand, if a jock stays with you for a while after he comes, even stays inside you, it may be a sign that he likes your company and is attracted to you as a person and not just a sex object. Also, if a jock shows affection with you, such as stroking your body or hair, it is a good indication that he wants to treat you as a human being. Ask jockers how they treat their women, because most jockers treat their punks the same way. If they form real partnerships with their women, they are more likely to do the same with you. A dick up your ass may well physically stimulate your prostate gland, and you may experience that as pleasurable. You may even get a hard-on while being fucked, just as a physical reaction. And some punks will find the sexual experience arousing. Many guys have some homosexual feelings even though they are basically straight. You don't have to put a label on yourself just because you have a variety of feelings. Punks sometimes agree to switch out with each other or "take turns" sexually, since this is about the only way you can take a penetrative role instead of a passive one. As a punk you come under a lot of pressure to act less masculine, and you will naturally resent this pressure inside and feel a strong need to act in masculine ways whenever you can get away with it. This need can make the urge to experience what a lot of people call "the male role" in sex very powerful. It is an understandable compensation, a way of proving to yourself that you're still a man, so if you do it, don't feel guilty about it. If you want to take turns with another punk, it is best to clear it with your jockers first. The jocks usually don't object since they know the other punk is not a rival for them. Breaking away When your "man" treats you bad and you want to get out of the situation, it's a tricky situation, but it's not hopeless. Maybe he's dissatisfied too and is willing to let you go, in which case you are back to square two. If he wants to keep you, he may get violent to do so. You can check in to p.c. and get transferred as one way out. Another way is to let other jockers know that you want to switch and encourage one of them to make a deal with your current jock to take you over. He may buy out your contract, so to speak. Sometimes if he wants you badly enough he'll fight your current daddy in order to get you. A punk who successfully breaks away from his jocker and becomes independent is called a "renegade." There are also some independent punks who never hook up. Unless such punks have learned to fight well, they usually end up with another jocker. Adaptation Human beings are remarkably adaptable creatures. It is true that if you become a punk and are locked up for a long time, you will get somewhat used to the punk role. This varies a lot from one punk to another. Some still hate every sex act after a decade of doing it every day. Others focus on other aspects of it and find some value in those aspects. Some treasure the security it brings. Many punks who have good relationships actually become fond of their jockers. It is not even so uncommon, in the unusual conditions of confinement, for two straight guys to fall in love with each other over time. Psychologists generally consider adaptation to be a healthy reaction to a situation which you cannot change, so don't worry about it if you find yourself adapting to the role. Once you are out you can reverse the process and work on reclaiming the full expression of your masculine identity. Unfortunately, many (if not most) jockers will try to get their punks to be as feminine in appearance and behavior as possible. That is because they are more comfortable pretending they are relating sexually to some kind of female than to another male. But they also know that you are a punk, not a queen, and that such things don't come naturally to you. You should ask about such things before accepting a claim, and make it clear that retaining your masculine identity is important to you. Some jockers don't care; I was hooked up once with a guy who let me grow a moustache! Most will still call you "him" and use your male name. Others may insist that you shave your legs and grow long hair and get a feminine nickname. No matter what you have to do, remember that it is all an act and you can go back to your normal behavior as soon as you get out. Sex is a very complex experience. It has many aspects which have nothing to do with lust. Being penetrated is an intense experience; it can give you an adrenaline rush. Being touched can be a pleasant experience, regardless of the sex of the person touching you. Being held has been a comforting experience for most people since they were babies, and it can seem very protective in an environment where gang-rape is a grim reality. Being desired can seem like a tempting alternative to being ignored, especially if you've been ignored all your life. Intimacy itself can be very powerfully attractive if you feel isolated and lonely. It is quite possible that you may delve further into these feelings, which are general human feelings. That doesn't mean you are sexually turned on to the guy, it doesn't mean there's lust or sexual arousal or homosexual inclinations. Besides, if experiences alone determined a person's sexuality, we'd all be in love with our hands. That's a lot of advice, but if it's a whole new world for you, you'll need it. Good luck finding a decent man, and remember you will leave it all behind (except for a much better understanding of men and of women!) when you walk out the front gate.

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25 things you will never hear a women say...

1. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.
2. I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now!
3. This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang.
4. Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wetspot.
5. Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse.
6. That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch porno's again?
7. I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby sitter Tracy.
8. You're my daddy, you're my daddy!
9. The new girl in my office is a stripper, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
10. Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!
11. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.
12. Bar food again!? Kick ass.
13. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your Ex girlfriend has class.
14. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am, Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.
15. I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.
16. I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what. a wonderful Valentines day!
17. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.
18. I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?
19. It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.
20. Honey come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare ass!
21. My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.
22. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.
23. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!
24. You are so much smarter than my father.
25. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter.

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The Differences Between Men and Women...

"WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE" - Matt Groening

RELATIONSHIPS:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled, "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us. "This is known as the "I Hate You I Love You" drunken phone call and 99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

SEX:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in his house.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U- Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old American sitcoms.

EATING OUT:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head. MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction-he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

MADONNA:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room:sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie. MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. Men will only show their derrieres because size doesn't really matter.

JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.

TIME:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

FRIENDS:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos or Got any more beer?"

RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to use the restroom. Do you want to join me?"

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CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE

"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Pop! Goes the Hamster....and Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change from Your Mom's Purse"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead"
"How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary School"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

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I sense a bit of hostility . . .

HOW MANY MALE CHAUVINISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
None. Let the bitch do the dishes in the dark.
WHAT IS LOVE?
The delusion that one woman differs from another.
WHY ARE CYCLONES AND TORNADOES USUALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
Because they don't come very often but when they do come, they make a hell of a noise and when they go, they take half your house with them.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR WIFE & YOUR JOB?
After 5 years your job still sucks.
WHY DID GOD CREATE LESBIANS?
So feminists couldn't breed.
WHY CAN'T YOU TRUST WOMEN?
How can you trust something that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die?
WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
Because they don't have balls.
WHY DO WOMEN WEAR MAKE UP & PERFUME?
Because they're ugly and they smell.
WHY DO MEN FART MORE THAN WOMEN?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
WHY DID CAVEMEN DRAG THEIR WOMEN AROUND BY THE HAIR?
If they dragged them around by their feet, they'd fill up with mud.
WHAT 'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR BONUS AND YOUR DICK?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your bonus.
WHY IS A WOMAN LIKE A LAXATIVE?
They both irritate the shit out of you.
WHAT'S WORSE THAN A MALE CHAUVINIST PIG?
A bitch who won't do as she's told.
WHY ARE WIVES LIKE CONDOMS?
They both spend too much time in your wallet, and not enough time on the end of your dick.
WHAT IS IT CALLED WHEN A WOMAN IS PARALYZED FROM THE WAIST DOWN?
Marriage.
WHY IS A BLOW JOB LIKE LOBSTER?
They're both very nice, but you don't get either at home.
WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLE FOR?
It's Braille for "Suck Here"
WHY DO MEN DIE BEFORE THEIR WIVES?
They want to.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WOMAN WITH PMS & A ROTTWEILER?
Lipstick.
HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO FIX A VACUUM CLEANER?
Why the hell should we fix it, we don't use the damn thing.
WHY ARE WOMEN LIKE SCREEN DOORS?
Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up.
WHAT IS A WIFE?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
HOW ARE WOMEN LIKE PARKING SPACES?
The best ones are taken & the rest are handicapped.
WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TITS?
So men will talk to them
WHY DO WOMEN CLOSE THEIR EYES DURING SEX?
They can't stand to see a man having a good time.
WHAT'S SIX INCHES LONG, TWO INCHES WIDE & DRIVES WOMEN WILD?
A hundred dollar bill
WHY DO WOMEN HAVE PERIODS?
Because they deserve them.
WHY DID THE WOMAN CROSS THE ROAD?
Who cares, what was she doing out of the kitchen anyway?

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Breasts,
finally, something other than smiley faces.... :)

(o)(o)
perfect breasts

( + )( + )
fake silicone breasts

(*)(*)
high nipple breasts

(@)(@)
big nipple breasts

oo
aa cups

{ O }{ O }
d cups

(oYo)
wonder bra breasts

( ^ )( ^ )
cold breasts

(o)(O)
lopsided breasts

(Q)(O)
pierced breasts

(p)(p)
hanging tassels breasts

\o/\o/
Grandma's breasts

( - )( - )
flat against the shower door breasts

|o||o|
android breasts

($)($)
Jenny McCarthy's breasts

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Date: Thursday, February 26, 1998 09:45

Did you see the Grammys last night? Fiona Apple was kinda scary, Anita Franklin sang opera, the Wu-Tang clan denounced Shawn Colvin live on stage for winning "best female vocalist" or something like that, and then Shawn Colvin won best album of the year, when I thought there were at least 2 better people in the category. They now have categories for everything, I think they gave out approximately 2000 Grammy's, I'm going to record something tomorrow and win a Grammy for it. They'll have to make a new category for me, something like "Best Angry Male Spoken Word Acapella New Artist non-Comedy", I think I'm a shoe-in.

courtesy captain christmas

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The Following Were Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART STUPID DOG

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD.

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX,
COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO,
EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

COWS FOR SALE. NEVER BRED CALVES.
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR. WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY

BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.

OUR SOFA WILL SEAT THE WHOLE MOB.
100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
SELLING WASHER & DRYER $300.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES
FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

AND NOW FOR THE BEST OF THE LOT:
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 negotiable. No longer needed. Recently married; wife knows everything.

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copyright penny arcade
"Red & Blue" in... We Deliver
thanks to penny arcade for, hopefully, not spazzing out in my use of this picture (because i liked it) for non-profit reasons
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born again! hallelujah

I have been married for three years. When my wife and I first got together, we thought alike and enjoyed the same things. But in the last year, she has become extremely religious. She now refuses to watch porn with me or give me blow jobs, which she used to do frequently, "because it's a sin." She talks about Jesus constantly, and it really gets on my nerves. I'm suddenly married to a nun. She does not act sexy in any way, and when we do have sex she just lays there. She has informed me that she's going to quit using birth control, and she wants to have sex only in order to conceive--which I'm sure as hell not ready for. What do you say? I Married A Nun

Ask your wife how Jesus feels about her ass getting dragged into divorce court, because that's where this marriage is headed. Being married to a Jesus Freak--as opposed to an easygoing, porn-watchin', blow-job-givin' Christian--isn't what you signed up for. If she's not the person you married, divorce her.

© The Onion: Savage Love
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The "Loading, Please Wait" Top 10

10) (After a pull)
"How much mana you guys have?"
... Loading, Please Wait

9) (In Kedge Keep)
"I wonder how long enduring breath actually lasts?"
... Loading, Please Wait

8) "Safe fall is at 105, this shouldn't hurt much"
... Loading, Please Wait

7) "Thank God for SoW "Your speed returns to normal""
... Loading, Please wait

6) "Ok, I'll pull and you guys taunt it off me"
... Loading Please Wait

5) "I wonder if feign death wipes a Dragon's aggro list?"
... Loading, Please Wait

4) "Can Someone please Cure Poiso"
... Loading, Please Wait

3) "It's Blue, let's kill it"
... Loading, Please Wait

2) "I'll Pull, don't worry, I have feign death"
... Loading, Please Wait

1) "Hey Y'all, watch this!"
... Loading, Please Wait

by Ptollemy Blackmoon
(my favorite was #3, hehe)

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the bible, eternal and unchanging. thank god

this is a reply to dr. laura schlessenger's (popular syndicated radio talk show host) assertion that homosexuality is an abomination, as stated in the bible. the author is art hilgart, a professor at kalamazoo.

dear dr. laura,
thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding god's law. i have learned a great deal from you, and i try to share that knowledge with as many people as i can. when someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, i simply remind him that leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. end of debate. i do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

when i burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, i know it creates a pleasing odor for the lord (lev. 1:9). the problem is my neighbors. they claim the odor is not pleasing to them. how should i deal with this?

i would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in exodus 21:7. in this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

i know that i am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (lev. 15:19-24). the problem is, how do i tell? i have tried asking, but most women take offense.

lev 25:44 states that i may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. a friend of mine claims that this applies to mexicans but not canadians. can you clarify?

i have a neighbor who insists on working on the sabbath. exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. am i morally obligated to kill him myself?

a friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. i don't agree. can you settle this?

lev. 20:20 states that i may not approach the altar of god if i have a defect in my sight. i have to admit that i wear reading glasses. does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

i know you have studied these things extensively, so i am confident you can help. thank you again for reminding us that god's word is eternal and unchanging.

n.b. i had to recopy this from an email, the author capitalized god and stuff, but i refuse to. the rest of the relevent grammar is there though =D

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What Women Really Mean

You want
= You want
We need
= I want
It's your decision
= The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want
= You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk
= I need to complain
Sure... go ahead
= I don't want you to.
I'm not upset
= Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're... so manly
= You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight
= Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!
= I'm on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights
= I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient
= I want a new house.
I want new curtains
= and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
I need wedding shoes
= the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
Hang the picture there
= NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise
= I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me?
= I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me?
= I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute
= Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat?
= Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate
= Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!?
= [Too late, you're dead.]
Yes
= No
No
= No
Maybe
= No
I'm sorry
= You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe?
= It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
Was that the baby?
= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling!
= Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
All we're going to buy is a soap dish
= It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMG those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

The answer to "What's wrong?"

The same old thing
= Nothing
Nothing
= Everything
Everything
= My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really
= It's just that you're such an asshole
I don't want to talk about it
= Go away, I'm still building up steam

© 2000 Funseal.com
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What Men Really Mean

"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"I'm going hunting"
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand in the woods with a lethal weapon in my hand, shooting at anything that makes a noise that isn't blaze orange. I think my friends and I will all be back in one piece...(unless, of course, we blow a fuse in the truck on the way home!)"

"Let's take your car."
Really means....
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
Really means....
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means....
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea."
Really means....
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
Really means....
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means....
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means....
"I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means....
"The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
Really means....
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means....
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means....
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means....
"Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means....
"You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means....
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
Really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Go ask your mother."
Really means....
"I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means....
"I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means....
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game."
Really means....
"Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means....
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means....
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means....
"What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means....
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means....
"She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means....
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means....
"You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means....
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
Really means....
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means....
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really means....
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means....
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means....
"No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means....
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means....
"I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
Really means....
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means....
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
Really means....
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer."
Really means....
"It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means....
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means....
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

"I broke up with her."
Really means....
"She dumped me."

"Will you marry me?"
Really means....
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

© 2000 Funseal.com
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Remnants of a misspent year in Everquest:

On Icesis -
I still remember being near her in MM with Kat and Rae I believe.. before every fight she'd go LOCK AND LOAD, KAT!!!!! Drove me insane. Anyway. That's my rant on icesis.

On Kedge Keep -
Mwahaha I am a permaraisin.

On trade skillz -
So I'm sitting here thinking... what's missing in CMM... and i think it's a throne. A throne for the trade skill masters, namely me.

On her computer -
ERROR STARTING PROGRAM YOU DUMB BITCH

On Ranger rage -
All this ranger bashing makes me want to destroy my fbss and sell my yak to a newbie for some batwings... no sense in keeping those tank toys around when all I am is a jeep..... (i am the diet coke of tanks)

On men -
What do women do with their asshole every morning? Send him to work!

On Aphreditey (or anyone else with Faille's face)-
She has my face. And she's a bard. Let's take her into a dark alley and caress her skin with razor blades.

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