Brainrot or Criticism You Can Live Without

by Zechariah
All rights reserved by Slave Labor Graphics. Go to their site and buy shit so they don't sue me.
funny shit in general

Praise Jesus!
on coke(the drink):

So I'm sitting here in my chair watching the start of the Fox sunday line up. I'm switching my attention between King of the Hill and my many interesting activities on the computer(ie: IMs, editing my webpage, and dwarf porn), when I go to update my settings and I knock my coke cup over. Ok, I say, it's all over the desk and it's soaked my mouse pad. No problem, I move the mouse. As I go to grab some sort of absorbant rag/hanky/furry animal, I hear this dripping noise. Ok, I say, it must have gone off the edge, no problem. I look over the edge and see that it's hitting my computer tower. Still no problem, I see, it's only on top of the case. But I stare in a mildly dumbfounded state, I see a torrent of cola pour through the crack in the desk, and begin a waterfull of brown sticky fluids all down the side and back of my computer. After the initial shock, I fling myself into action. First I grab every kleenex and napkin that clutter my area and hurl them in the general direction of the many puddles forming around the area. As I hear some sort of cooking noise, I decide to kill the electricty going through the machine lest I kill myself. After about an hour of cleaning and scrubbing inside and out of my precious precious computer (as well as hosing off the tv remote and mouse pad), I build up the courage to plug the computer back in. It's been up and running for about an hour now, and needless to say, it has not melted/burned/exploded. Despite my hardware prowess, I'm still not 100% on how coke on the back of a sound card will affect it, but it still seems fine. So I feel that I'm in the clear. Oh yes, this little activity also gave me another reason to procrastinate writing on Vertical Limit, as well as, Proof of Life. Both I feel are four out of four phatty bong rips. I plan to do some sort of comparitive rant on these two, but alas my harrowing experience has made me decide to look at other people's websites instead.


on pubic hair:

So I’m sitting on the can, and I look down. Usually nothing weird registers and I do my general inventory check: the frank and beans, yup, they’re still there. But this time something else caught my attention. Why I fixated on this I have no idea, but there was all this goddamn hair. I said to myself, gee that looks like a lot more hair down there than I’ve seen in a while. The question I posed to myself was: Why? Well I’ve always learned that hair serves as some sort of protective mechanism, at the very least it keeps the sun off of us. Then I’m struck with the notion that evolution found it just as necessary to cover our genitals with as much hair as our brain. This insight seemed logical considering that most people are complete morons and do better off in life thinking with his or her dick or snatch than with any other part of the body. I find it curiously odd how things work out sometimes, and I never cease to amaze myself with how often I fixate on something with such childlike wonder. So, I tire of this. I should revise what I’ve said on D&D because I did a sloppy and half-assed job. I didn’t even give the official two out of four rating ( I don’t know whether I’m using stars, moons, horseshoes, flaming inverted crosses, or ringworm filled assholes, but I’m still working on it). I saw Vertical Limit today, and it was a definite four out of four pimpin’ hoes. I’d say more on that too, but my mind is evidently thinking about more important matters, so I won’t even try right now. I plan to see more movies this week too, so maybe you’ll get to here about them. I leave this Friday to go home for nearly a month, so I’ll probably be computer deprived since my parents thought it would be fun to drop a bowling ball on the computer at home. Such is life. The point is, just as I start doing this shit, I’ll be forced to stop for a while. But my continued lifeless existence should resume to its most dreary norm when I return to good old St. Louis.


on the new D&D movie:

What the fuck kind of moron wrote that Dungeons and Dragons movie? Now I’ve never played the pencil and paper game myself, but I’ve played most of the big named D&D computer games out there. Baldur’s Gate 1 & 2, Icewind Dale, even back to the Eye of the Beholder series. If there’s one thing that these games have taught me, is that mages kick ass. So my biggest complaint of the movie is why do all the mages suck so much? For a movie focusing on mages, the spell list was sorely lacking: one fireball here, Gaylord’s stunning breath there, etc. And the last time I cracked upon the Player’s Handbook to reference some sort of chart for one of the computer games, I never saw anywhere that pixie dust of sneezing was necessary to cast Dimension Door. Where were the magic missles? Even the lowliest mage should be able to sling at least one of those. So why on earth does whiny bitch girl (Marina) always stand aside and watch big scary blue mouth beat the shit out of everyone? Profion the badass mage that he is should be able to easily blow the hell out of AT LEAST one person. So I was highly disappointed to say the least that all the mages seemed extremely underpowered. Also the complete lack of any sort of cleric pissed me off to. If there’s going to be a resurrection, I want to see the ground open up, a giant light shoot the skies, and the corpse levitate off the ground and shudder back to life. On a good note, I’d say Elwood (played by Lee Arenberg) was a really kick ass dwarf, had some of the best lines, and delivered them well. It’s just a shame that he really didn’t do too much, and every time there was some sort of dungeon crawl, only the rogues (Ridley and Snails) were meant to go in. The elves were pretty cool too (and even the bar scene with the occasional orc and halfling), but all of these characters didn’t do anything that made me go ‘wow’, even though I wanted to see more of them. The scenery kicked and other digital animations kicked ass too. The dragons are really worth it. I especially liked the opening scene where the first red dragon gives you that look which seems like the opening to any TSR game you’ve purchased in the past two years (you know that opening TSR sequence I’m talking about). Back to bitching some more: The sound was poorly mixed, and while the theme is catchy, it’s only catchy the first time around. As soon as you realize there’s no variation or other music, it gets old quickly. If anyone at Black Isle studios consulted for any part of this movie, they would have been able to make great suggestions. The great reception that they have gotten from their games show us that they can make good music for the genre, and have a great grasp of the magic system and spells that every D&D fan loves. The acting for the most part seemed forced, but was that because the actors just don’t care, or is their script truly that god awful? Given that even Jeremy Irons looks silly, it’s probably the writing. The story and writing is really crappy/campy-but-in-a-bad-way, especially the jokes, any scene where someone talked, and the ending. That made me go, what the fuck? I’m not going to tell you what part of the ending made me go WTF though, because I want you to see this movie. I want you to see this movie to let people know that there’s a good market at there for the fantasy genre, and that we’d all come flocking in extremely scary hordes to see a good movie of this type. Hopefully Lord of the Rings next year will give us the movie we’re all looking for, but this is not it.

Taken from bangedup.com, but don't worry about buying stuff from them as I don't think they can afford lawyers, nor have any legal ground where they could sue me.
All rights reserved by Wizards of the Coast. Go to their site and buy shit so they don't sue me.