Wienerschnitzel:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

what is a veinersnitchzel?

Backhand26@aol.com

A:  It's a gross misspelling of wienerschnitzel.  Next question.
 
 

Winnie the Pooh:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

My three year old girl, who used to love Winnie the Pooh now gets scared and runs away from her stuffed bear every time she sees him.  What happened, and what can we do to correct the problem?

Bill Dahl        Shreveport, LA

A:  She's figured out that bears are big, dangerous creatures that occasionally attack and kill people.  That's what happened.  You've got a smart, little cookie, there.  After a couple hours of watching Animal Planet, she made the association and decided that Pooh bears and Grizzly bears can't be all that distantly related.  She's better off this way.  Eventually, she'll figure out that Winnie isn't real, but in the meantime she'll have learned caution around animals.  Honestly, the whole idea of making cute, cuddly representations of ferocious predators and giving them to children makes me sick.  Winnie the Pooh is the worst possible offender.  Not only is he cute and fuzzy, but they went and gave him the personality of a Zen master.  It's no wonder so many people get out of their cars in Yellowstone National Park saying things like, "Hey!  Take my picture with this bear!  Isn't he sweet!  He's g-AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"
 
 

Women:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

I just watched the movie "What Women Want".  What's the real answer?  What do they want?

Daniel Getty       Ellijay,  GA

A:  Let's start with what they don't want:  You.  Now for what they do want:  Me. You are a pathetic amoeba who works as an assistant manager at Burger King. I  am a full-time God, and not just any ol' God, but the King of the Gods. You are about as athletic as an obese sea slug. I am all-powerful, and have a perfectly proportioned physique admired (and worshiped) by women everywhere. You have trouble finishing the crossword puzzle in the kiddie section of the Sunday paper.  I am all-knowing and renowned for my wisdom.  Gilbert Gottfried has a more charming personality than you. I, however, am a charismatic tour-de-force by all accounts.  You see, Daniel, when whiny, zit-faced dweebs like you ask, "What do women want?", what they really mean is "Why don't women want me?"  Now you know.  You're welcome.
 
 

Wonder Woman  Vs. The Cheetah  :
Q:  Dear Zeus,

Why dose The Cheetah want to destory Wonder Woman for?

Fudog2@aol.com

A:  Why?  You mean besides the fact that the Cheetah is your basic archetype for an evil, two-faced woman?  Well, if you don't want to take that into account, then it all comes down to one thing:  Jealousy.  Let's examine this in more detail.  It's a sad, but simple fact of life that the bitchier a woman becomes, the more she thinks she "deserves" a good, kind man in her life.  This is in opposition to reality, which states, "You reap what you sow."  The consequences of her wickedness was that she became a part of the Legion of Doom.  Other members include Bizarro (who has complexion issues), the Riddler (one of those guys who likes to play games with your mind), Captain Cold (despite the rumors, ice is NOT a turn on for most women), the Toyman (just what she needs, a guy who won't grow up), Grodd (uck!  even she's not into bestiality), and Solomon Grundy (a violent, mentally retarded villain who speaks in the third person).  The best of the entire lot is Lex Luthor, but he's so bent on killing Superman, he won't give her the time of day.  It's no wonder The Cheetah despises Wonder Woman.  She's better looking, has bigger breasts, and is surrounded by hunks like Batman (a multi-billionaire with the coolest car ever invented), Apache Chief (a biiiiiiig, strong native american), Green Lantern (a good-looking powerhouse who knows the value of quality jewelry), the Flash (who's always punctual), and of course, Superman. (There's a reason they call him the Man of Steel... AND he's a nice-guy!)  Hell, after looking at the Legion of Doom boys every day, even Robin's started to look like a good catch, and that's saying something now, isn't it?  The Cheetah's so envious, she could kill...well...would kill, this is, if she could stop Wonder Woman and that magic lasso of hers.  The way she gets roped so often, you'd think she was a calf in a rodeo.  Cheetah my big, Greek, immortal tush.  Moo!
 
 

The Woodchuck:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

matt from california

A:  Few people realize that the woodchuck (Marmota monax) is also commonly known as the groundhog.  Therefore, the woodchuck would chuck as much wood as the groundhog would hog ground if the groundhog could hog ground.  Of course, if he sees his shadow, the whole damn thing's off and you get six more weeks of winter.  Stupid woodchuck.
 
 

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