Teenage Lust:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

    What should I do??? I am pretty young... and I am starting to get the idea's of experementing... not with sex but with other things!  I am in alot of crossroads and confused states and I am alittle lost and unsure about what to do.  I am a female in High School and new things and ideas are coming to me but my morals and values are standing in my way... but my personality is saying something else.
    There are alot of young men that are starting to come my way... and their friends, and I dont know how to handle some situations.  It's alittle confusing because the man I want to be with has already graduated high school, he graduated 2000, and he is my best friends older brother.  We have had our little affairs but I'm not sure how he feels about me.... I would give everything to have him... and thats what i am most confused about.

J'me Lords     Peoria, A.Z.

A:  *WARNING!*  *WARNING!*  *DANGER!*  *DANGER!*  *DESPERATE JAILBAIT IN PROXIMITY ALERT!*  *RUN AWAY!*  *RUN AWAY!*  Hey!  It works! Just a little alarm I created for guys just like your "best friend's older brother."  So you'd give "everything to have him", huh?  How about "giving" it a couple years until you turn 18?  The last thing any mortal man needs is some pretty, little, teenage girl in heat chasing after him.  If you care one whit about this guy, you'll leave him the hell alone until a night of romance won't result in a prison term.  In the meantime, put your mind at ease.  You're a normal teenage girl.  What this means is that the hormones being pumped into your body are reaching near toxic levels.  Of course, confusion and hysteria are typical side effects.  In ancient times, people often confused this with being demonically possessed.  I've got to admit, they do look pretty much the same.
 
 

Teenagers:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

My 17 year old son has become increasingly belligerent over the past couple of years.  He's being an immature jerk, and is driving me nuts.   He says that I'm a controlling b**ch.  I don't know.  I want things to be better between us.  What should I do?

Susan Ghomey       Bellefontaine, Ohio

A:  Do nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  You hear me?  Your future happiness depends on this. Believe it or not, your relationship with your son is perfectly normal and healthy at this point.  Grin and bear it.  You've got another year and a half of hell, and then he'll move out and go to college.  Things will get progressively better between you over the years.  You'll even like each other.  The alternative is horrific.  Free room and board is a huge check in the plus column, if you know what I mean.  Should he get comfortable at home now, you're in real trouble.  You'll have a forty year old son living at home before you know it.  The only way you'll be able to get rid of him then is by hiring a hitman.  You won't do it, of course, but that's only because deep down inside you'd really prefer to kill him with your bare hands.
 
 

Tomatoes:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

Why do you say Tomatoe and I say Tomato? And why the need to call the whole thing off over the simple spelling of a fruit?

Peter GB,

A:  Good question, but let's get some things straight.  First, you act like the tomato is your everyday, run-of-the-mill fruit...which it is...however, that's only because the Gods created the tomato to be the world's most amazing and versatile fruit ever.  Whether or not you like it plain, almost everybody likes it in one form or another.  How many little kids would've starved to death without the intercession of ketchup?  Like eating Italian?  Almost the entire cuisine is centered around the tomato.  They can be added to nearly every kind of dish imaginable, soups, stews, vegetable side dishes, and main courses.  Even steak and barbecue sauces generally have a tomato base.  He who controls tomato production controls the food industry.  Now, second, the issue isn't spelling so much as pronunciation, tomato with a long A sound versus tomahto.  This dates back to the French-English wars.  "Eet eez pronounced tomahto, you Eengleesh pig-dogs!  Accept zis or you shall perish at zee hand of Joan of Arc!"  (It's a little known fact that Joan was a militant tomato fundamentalist.)  The English took up the challenge and war broke out.  Thousands died over the issue, prompting early anti-war activists to pen the now famous folk song, "You say tomato, I say tomahto."  What they're calling off is the war.  Stupid peace mongers.  They ruin everybody's fun.
 
 

Tootsie Pops:
Q:  Oh mighty one:

How many licks *does* it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?

Denise Poling      Plano, TX

A:  Ah!  Finally a supplicant who knows how to address a God!  You have my blessing.  As for your question, it all depends on the length and roughness of your tongue, now doesn't it?  Denise, with your tongue being average in length but exceptionally soft, it's going to take you a whopping 362 & 1/3 licks.  By way of comparisn, it would take the typical cow only 45.5 licks, should the cow be inclined to lick a tootsie pop.  Gene Simmons, lead singer of the band KISS, however, can get to the center of one those babies in ten licks flat.  That monster tongue of his deserves to be registered as a lethal weapon.
 
 

Transformers:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

Ok-so, the Transformer's slogan was "Robots in disguise."  But the disguise really wasn't.  I mean they still looked like robots, eh?  What do you think about all this?  Will the people responsible be punished?

Margie     Argyle, TX

A:  The first generation of Transformers, made in the 1980's, are still some of the greatest toys around.  However, as a general rule, those that looked good "in disguise" didn't make quite as attractive robots and vice versa.  For example, Megatron started out as a really cool looking gun, but made for a disjointed, clumsy robot.  Not only that, but his gun trigger ended up in his crotch.  How's that for a phallic representation of the male species?  Conversely, Soundwave was a sweet looking robot that supposedly transformed into a tape recorder, but ended up looking like a cheap 'made in Taiwan' Walkman, and that's being generous.  There were those that looked good as both, but in order to get them you had to pay through the wazoo.  When all was said and done, though, these toys  were a lot of fun for loads of kids, and that makes the creators of them ok by me.  Not only that, but they spawned one of the best animated classics of all time.  "Transformers: The Movie" was a fast-paced, kick-butt, thrill ride from beginning to end.  It was the last project Orson Welles was ever did while alive, and boy, he went out with a bang.  The animation was spectacular, the soundtrack was amazing, and you have to admire any show gutsy enough to kill off its main body of beloved heroes in the first few minutes.  Yep, it takes a whole new kind of courage to emotionally traumatize children en masse.  The long, drawn-out, death scene of Optimus Prime was especially effective and kept many a youngster in therapy for years.  "*sniff* I wanted to hate them for that, doc, but the movie was just so damn cool!"  Cool?  The word doesn't do it justice.

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