The King of the Gods answers your questions.
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Archives - O
Odin:
Q: 'Sup Zeus,
Why do you use the false god name Zeus- shouldn't you use the name of the true god Odin-the Allfather, Lord of Valhalla? You're just a mortal aren't you? Cowardly false idol worshiping wisule! Sorry girlfriend showed site and was real bloody bored.
rache tracysson Muscatine, IA
A: You know what I find most
fascinating about your question? No, it's not that it clearly demonstrates
you're an overbearing, posturing ignoramus who is completely uneducated
in the area of mythology. That's obvious to everyone. It's
that you have a girlfriend. I mean, what the hell was going through
her mind when she hooked up with you? In the future, she'll just
chalk it up to a momentary lapse of judgment that she's eager to put behind
her. As for your question, it'll be best for your future health,
if you take my meaning, if you no longer confuse me (a sophisticated, good-looking
Greek God) with Odin (who still owes me a large sum of Drakmas from the
last time we played cards.) I mean he's a great guy and all, but
he's not exactly the sharpest crayon in the box, at least by the standards
of the gods. If it were otherwise, I can guarantee he wouldn't have
ended up as God of the Nordic realms, a place so cold and inhospitable
that it'll freeze your nuts off in 3.8 seconds. It's no wonder Norse
mythology is so dark. Weather like that could even depress motivational
speaker Anthony Robbins.
Ogres:
Q: Dear Zeus,
Where do ogres come from?
Madison Kroll Bunnell, FL
A: When the mommy Ogre and the daddy
Ogre are feeling especially cuddly, the daddy Ogre will... *snicker*
You see, Ogre is actually an old Greek family name. Their surname received
its monstrous connotation when they became entrenched in the mob, kind
of the Greek equivalent of The Sopranos. If you needed a small "family
loan", you called on The Ogres, who were ever willing to lend a helping
hand. Of course, their interest rates were more outrageous than Dennis
Rodman on his wedding day, and heaven help you if you missed a payment.
I recall that a lot of their clients had knee problems. In the end,
so many of The Ogres' clientele went missing that myths started arising
that they were man-eating monsters. Out of fear, the peasants drove
them out of town and into the caves of southern Greece, where their progeny
can still be found today.
Omnipotence:
Q: Dear Zeus,
Since you're all knowing, what could you possibly do for entertainment? Isn't everything boring?
Candace Hubble North Salt Lake, UT
A: How can you even ask this question, when
you've watched "The Princess Bride" 137 times? Just because you know
the movie word for word doesn't mean it's not enjoyable. In fact,
you'll get a chuckle every single time you hear, "Have fun storming the
castle!" The child who goes after ants with a magnifying glass knows
exactly what's going to happen, but still gets a wicked sense of satisfaction
when he hears an ant go *pop*. I mean, sure, omniscience has its
drawbacks, like knowing all the sordid details of Ricky Martin's private
life (ew!), but sometimes it makes events even more amusing. For
example, I knew the Y2K virus was going to amount to diddly, much like
the Clinton Administration, so I laughed my butt off watching everyone
stock up on canned peas and ammunition. There's a family up in New
York that bought a five year supply of Ramen noodles. They're discovering
now that if the choice ever had amounted to eating Ramen or starving to
death, they'd have all been pushing up daisies, shuffling off this mortal
coil, snuffed out, singing with heavenly choir, six feet under, or just
plain dead, a long time ago. Death or Ramen? Death tastes better.
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