Liberals:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

Why are there so many misguided liberals in Minnesota?

Neal Myers, Forest Lake mn.

A:  In order to answer your question, let's take a look at early Minnesota history.  The territory's first permanent settler was a frenchman (which says a lot in and of itself) who went by the name of Groseilliers, first name Ralph.  Ol' Ralph built his log cabin in a swampy, smelly place where the mosquitos were the size of fruit bats.  After about a year and a half, he started feeling that maybe he had made a mistake.  (Gee, ya think?)  By then, however, he felt he had invested too much time and energy in the place to just pack up and move, so he sank deep into the mire of self-pity.  As we've discussed on this page before, like attracts like.  It's why you have no famous or interesting friends and New York has the world's highest insane cabbie population.  As a matter of history, Ralph's tiresome presence attracted other like-minded individuals.  Now enter the liberals, who can smell the victim mentality like body odor on a hippie.  They thrive on these types of people.  "Here...let me solve all your worries.  Just vote for me!"  "What?  You have a problem with blood-sucking parasites?  Mosquito nets for everyone!"  That explains why there are so many liberals in Minnesota.  Why are they misguided?  It's because they truly believe they can solve people's problems by doing everything for them.  "Homeless?  Here's a house."  "Stupid?  Let me pay for your education."  "Too many children?  Here.  I'll staple this condom on you."  If you tie little Jimmie's shoes for him every single day, will he ever learn to tie his shoes?  Of course not.  If people keep paying to see Austin Powers movies, will Hollywood ever learn that they suck?  *sigh*  Apparently not.
 
 

Lost Items:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

Where's my hat?

nathan,   victoria bc

A:  Contrary to popular belief, most items are not lost due to scatterbrained forgetfulness, children who move things arbitrarily, or even theft.  It'll take some explaining, so bear with me.  Creating matter can be compared to writing a computer program, well, a MASSIVELY BIG, super-complex, intensely intricate computer program, anyway.  Once the matter is created, you can put it into different formats.  Handy, that.  To save space when nobody is using said matter or even looking at it, it is compressed into a much smaller, but unusable format that can best be compared to a zip file on your hard drive.  Then, it is "unzipped" when you or anyone else approaches.  Now, the beings that the Gods created to manage all this are the equivalent to your computer geeks.  I call them cosmonerds.  They're intelligent and anal-retentive, but they're also socially deficient and certainly aren't infallible.  Sometimes, not all the matter gets "unzipped" when it's supposed to.  That's why you often find a lost item in the same exact place you looked for it at the very beginning.  It was there all the time.  It was just too small to see in its altered format.  When you weren't looking, they expanded it.  Sometimes, cosmonerds lose track of the compressed matter altogether.  For example, they have a really hard time keeping tabs on any one part of a pair of socks.  This, of course, explains why so many people have drawers full of socks that don't match.  Does that answer you question?  Well...no, not really but it answered a lot of other people's.  Go look in the mirror.  Your hat's on your head.
 
 

Love:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

I am in love. At least I think i am. I need u to tell me if I really am in love.

H. V. Rhymes

A:  Oh brother.  Tell me, do you need a doctor to inform you that you're sick?  Do you need a mechanic to tell you your car won't start?  Do you need a master chef to tell you the food at Taco Bell sucks?  Do you even know what I'm talking about?  *sigh*  Nope, guess not.  Let me put this more directly.  Either you are a complete moron who needs everything, no matter how obvious, spelled out, in no uncertain terms, or you are NOT in love.  Take your pick.  Good!  You've realized you're not in love, because if you were, you wouldn't be asking for a second opinion.  When you love someone, you know it.  It burns inside you like the hotwings at Hooters, and it radiates from your soul like the survivors of Chernobyl.  Don't worry.  You'll fall in love soon enough and be very happy...but I suggest you don't piss your soulmate off by asking stupid questions.
 
 

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