The Elderly:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

Why are old people so annoying and isnt there anything you can do about it?

Matt bunch     springfield, illinois

A:  Do you mortals just spontaneously forget to whom you're speaking?  Here's a refresher:  Hi.  I'm Zeus, the King of the Gods.  I'd say nice to meet you, but I happen to be older than anyone you've ever met BY SEVERAL MILLENNIA.  I suggest you start respecting your elders, boy.  Your bigotry towards geriatrics is disturbing.  I'd curse you with premature aging, except that it'll be all the more satisfying  to see you gradually and naturally lose your hair, endure health problems, and even start giving off that "old man smell" and not be able to do anything about it.  I see Viagra and a closet full of Depends undergarments in your future.  If I were you, I'd start praying every night that I meet one of those eccentric women that find bald heads sexy.  Otherwise, you can forego that Viagra I mentioned earlier.  So, in closing, Live Long and Pro...nah.  Just Live Long.
 
 

Elvis:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

It's time to end the debate.  Is Elvis still alive?

Tara Gallegos     Nashville, TN

A:  As James Sheets, Elvis' coroner, once said:  "He was dead the last time I saw him."  Yep.  "The King" died on his white, ceramic throne.  His terrible eating habits made him so constipated that he had an aneurysm while straining to take a poo.  What a horrible way to go.  Not only that, but having led a life of legendary debauchery, his spirit now resides in a locked room found in the Underworld.  In said room is a vast array of perfect looking doughnuts that all taste like vomit or Drew's armpits after calisthenics...not Drew Barrymore.  Drew Carey.  So why are people always seeing Elvis?  Think about it.  Where do they always report finding him?  At 7-Eleven.  You got it.  It's a publicity stunt!  Every time you hear of an Elvis sighting, 7-Eleven scores some free advertising.  Not that they need it.  Those @#*! Slurpees are more addictive than crack cocaine.
 
 

Employment:
Q:  Zeus,

Why does my Job suck soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much, and how can I find a decent one?

joe-argyle, tx

A:  Joe, Joe, Joe...  You remember when your teachers in school told you that there are no stupid questions?  They were dead wrong.  Now, you're pretty smart for a mortal, so take a second and think about why your question is dumb.  Don't hurt yourself.  Oh, never mind.  I'll just tell you.  It's stupid because you've already answered your own question.  It was looking for a "decent" position that got you into your current, low pay, dead end, hostile work environment, right?  Of course.  Almost all jobs that start out as simply "decent" end up as the kind of work that will give you horrifying, Vietnam Syndrome-style flashbacks for years to come.  Be honest.  Which would you truly like to have, a "decent" run-of-the-mill career or a "Hot damn!  They're going to pay me for this?" kind of job?  Well, you don't get the latter if you keep your sights low.  Take some time and look at ALL the careers that can be found in the world until you find one that gives you that extra twinge of pleasure, so to speak.  Then, do whatever it takes to get it.  Not qualified?  Take a class.  Get a degree. I'd tell you to brush up your résumé, but you don't even have one yet.  (hint, hint)  The point is to let nothing stand in your way.  One final thought:  Pretend you're a cross between Michael Johnson and a cheetah on meth and get out of Argyle...fast.  If employers see that on your application, you're screwed.
 
 

English:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

Why is I before E except after c, and when sounding like A as in neighbor and weigh?

Margie, TX

A:  You must remember that the same country that created the English language also created Mr. Bean, a bad omen if ever there was one.  Now take into account that in the United States, 30% of all high school seniors have flunked a course in English, although it is their native tongue.  Are they stupider than people who speak other languages?  No, of course not.  English is terribly illogical and inconsistent.  Here are but a few of many examples:  You park in a driveway, but drive in a parkway.  Your alarm clock goes off when it turns on.  Pro and con are opposites, so Congress must be the opposite of progress.  (Ok.  There's some truth to that one.)  Now, ponder these:  There's no time like the present to present the present.  The dove dove into the bushes.  The farmland was used to produce produce.  It's stuff like this that gives English a higher number of possible puns than all other languages combined.  There are evil people out there who constantly take advantage of this fact, like Bil Keane, the monster who draws the Family Circus comic strip.  *shudder*  He's got his place reserved in the Underworld; I can tell you that much.  So why is I before E except after C, and when sounding like A as in neighbor and weigh?  It's because English sucks, almost as bad as French.  Switch to Greek now!
 
 

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