i have decided to make this page because i have a habit. i bad habit. i cut myself and have been cutting since 1997.

people may be wondering why i do this. i'm not exactly sure why. i have good grades, GREAT friends (whom i love dearly), and i sometimes good/sometimes bad family. i think i cut out of anger. i am not a violent person to others. i cannot pysically fight someone that well. i feel i cutmyself because i cannot make others hurt as much as i do. i cut because i need to get all the anger boiling inside to vent out of my body. when i think of myself cutting, i think of it as a metaphor. the blood that comes from my cuts is actually the pain going out.

the cuts aren't usually too deep or too big. i live in fear of my parents finding out about this, for i have no true reason to be upset except anger which every person has. i usually cut either on my wrist, hip or stomach. those places are easiest to hide. i've stopped cutting on my wrist tho, because it's too noticable.

as i said before, i started cutting in 1997 from a fight with my parents. from then on i cut only about once every 2-3 months. it wasn't until june 2000 when it got real bad. then i started cutting like every week. i cut becuase i was alone, because of MAB, beucase of fights with parents, becasue of my ugliness and many others issues. i was sad all the time but i wasn't going to let my parents know so i hid it. during the day everything was fine but at night i'd cry myself to sleep (literally). as the cutting became more fruequent, each cutting session, the cuts got deeper and there became more. soon the cutting wasn't enough. in addition to the cutting, i burned myself, tried to overdose on pills (became addicted to them), and scratched myself to bleeding

during the november of 2000 i was seriously considering suicide as an option. by then i felt separated from my friends because they didn't understand me. i didn't have MAB in my love life anymore and i felt rejected. school was a constant pressure to get the highest marks. i planned my death for november 11th. i was going to go to my cottage and shoot myself with one of my papa's guns. i miss my papa so much and wanted to be with him. he was the only one i truly felt love from. my three cloest friends found out about this and stopped me. this made me realise i love my friends and couldn't be without. i was sick of being sad and pained all the time and i wanted to stop the cutting. but i couldn't. i tired. i even proomised myself i'd stop for 2001. but this is 2001 and i haven't stopped. during december and january, i did lessen the cutting to once every 2 weeks but now i have returned. the stress is too much to bear.

i blame most of this on my mood swings. i am going to see a doctor because i know it is wrong to do this. but i just can't. the blade gives so much happiness in my life. i know i'm probably depressed and should tell my doctor or parents about my cutting but i can't. my secret from them is too great now. maybe one day 'll tell them and i'll be able to get help but for now i'll count on my friends because i know they do care, and i know i love them and will love them till the day i die.