My Home Page!

Hey all! This is Tabaitha here. Yes, that is the correct spelling! So I get called "Tabeyeatha" by people, since my parents were illiterate! I am sixteen, and on my own. I work in a hospital, and I hope to start full time college soon (Taking two correspondence classes right now, since I missed the admission deadline, waiting on SATs!) I love to watch the Cubbies play baseball, the Cowboys play football, and do some running and swimming and dancing myself! I LOVE Matchbox Twenty, and I'm going to try to make a photo album devoted to them, and link it to this page. (Paul Doucette is the little drummer GOD!) I also like SOME other music (Nick Drake, Jeff Buckley, No Doubt, U2, John Mellencamp, Savatage, The BOSS and Moby, to name a few), movies, reading and writing dark and disturbing poetry and stories that get my nightmares out on paper! I am going to include some of my poems here, and I hope that you read them, and maybe kind of like them.....I don't expect them to make sense, because sometimes they don't to me! It just says things I need to say, I guess. I would be very happy to hear from people who might want to give me feedback on this page, since I don't know what the hell I'm doing here! (Yeah, I know, that's obvious!)

A flame of light, a whiff of dust The angel doing what he must. The silence of all that is night Comforting to make things right. The little laugh, the baby's cry You can hear them if you try. Fighting off tears that fill the face Searching for the perfect place. The toys scattered across the room Casting shadows in the gloom. The music of an angel's choir Filling the soul with great desire. A smile breaking like the sun The angel's work is almost done. So at the breaking of the dawn Yet another child is gone.

The drowning noises fill my head I feel like I can't breathe, can't speak But the world sees another one instead As I sit here wearing a smile. My life could end, no one would know The deep secrets hidden inside That could always cause my tears to flow As I sit here wearing a smile. I hate the world, I hate my life Despised waste of oxygen Because of all the internal strife As I sit here wearing a smile. The beasts disguised as human, The rapes disguised as love The evil that is all I know As hatred takes its place above The emotions that fight and vie For an audience inside The madness that I call my own In my soul they make their home. And so I am before you With all the demons beneath my guile But I cannot share what is my own As I sit here wearing a smile.

Angel wings wrapped around me, in beauty and light guiding me to do what should be right But knowing how scared I am with what I do I think it is best, but maybe no feeling on the edge, where darkness falls not knowing who it is who calls But wanting to go away from here even with my angel near Afraid to lose such a good friend and discover I was wrong and bad in the end building castles out of sand, with tide coming in And not knowing if I can begin again......

Invisible me, floating gently through the air Knowing I cant be, not wanting to care Invisible me, stumbling through life Leading myself to every known strife Invisible me, going to war Vanishing enemy, existing no more Invisible me, wanting to hide Not wanting to live with the voices inside Invisible me, not wanting to feel the hidden scars that seem so real Invisible me, not knowing the clue that the person inside could be me too Invisible me, belonging nowhere no one to hold me, no one to care Invisible me, hiding the pain smiling thru darkness, smiling thru rain Invisible me, will soon have to leave no one to worry, no one to grieve Invisible me, no longer exists vanishing into the fog and the mist.

I am adrift in me, not wanting to see around the bend Knowing not what the future holds or what time I have to spend. I have lost my way, through night and through day Strugging to stay afloat Fearing what I do or say. Not knowing who or what I am, inside In dreams and life Just wanting to hide. Not knowing to care, no one left pounding on doors, and once again falling adrift......

Wanting now to say goodbye Truth is told, no need to lie wanting now to forever feel the golden warmth of heaven's spiel. Not wanting to face another day Friends not knowing what to say wanting all the voices stopped their evil words and screaming topped. Wanting to go to bed and sleep Counting pills instead of sheep Waking only when the light of death takes me in the night. Facing not another day Is within me, try what may Wanting to just leave right now But scared to walk off with a bow. Pushing me right to the edge Building up around me, like a hedge The voices telling me how I'm bad They are angry, me, just sad Knowing that the time will come for me to answer them some Hoping to be ready then The day I meet my mortal end.

Reaching out into the mist feeling drifts of ghostly kiss a scent of phantom in the air tossed my head and didn't care. Floating spectre in the night Traveling it's midnight flight Not knowing if I should see apparitions here with me. Feeling empty, never dread socializing with the dead fear and fright appearing so as they cast an evil glow. Ghostly person, wanting what? Now, before the day is naught The phantom glides right over me I am dead now, so I see.

My dreams are empty My heart is stone As I sit here Again alone. No one to love No one to care Nothing to give Nothing to share. Losing myself Losing my fears In that sadness Reaching beyond years. Crying in silence Tearing my soul Searching for reason To make me whole Loss of concern Inhibitions gone Hiding the tears As I pen this song Where have you gone Me that I knew Spending my lifetime Searching for you.

The glow weakens as I watch The glow gentle, not bright As I ponder the questions before me Struggling with all my might. My focus softens As shapes and shadows blend Energy free and flowing As emotions on the mend. Baffled by it's beauty Embraced once more by light Watching fading embers Glow against the night. Not sure the depth of meaning The spirit to soar or shout Not knowing how much is lost As another star burns out.

The blossom opening to the sun Whose beauty will never fade away Despite the sorrows that have been done Angel wings on judgement day. Trying her best in all the pain Desperate search for hope again Crying out, but not too loud Not wanting to form a crowd. Feeling she is somewhat less And that all her life is a mess Somehow having strength to live Able to love, and maybe give. Blossom, time to set your own roots To love yourself, deny others guilt and shame. Take root and flower.

Well, for now, I agree with Rob Thomas.....writing is therapy for me, and thank God I've got it! Again, feel free to email me at "Tabaitha@tabithasmail.com" with any feedback, comments or just to become penpals! I'm also including a link here to a page that a great friend made for me. See, I've kind of had a problem with an eating disorder, and ended up in the hospital for almost 3 weeks. My friend made this page for me, about me.....and at first, it made me mad. But, I know that she loves me, and meant well.....so to make her feel better, and let her know I'm not mad anymore, I'm including a link to it here. Love yas, Tabbie

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My Favorite Web Sites

Save the Rainforest!
Feed the hungry!
The official Matchbox Twenty site!
Matchbox Twenty Photos-Kyle's page
Matchbox Twenty Photos-Rob's page
Matchbox Twenty Photos-Adam's page
Matchbox Twenty Photos-Paul's page
Matchbox Twenty Pictures from 1998 Canada tour
More Pictures of MB20 from 1998 Canada tour
My Family Page!
Page Dedicated to my Mom
My Second Art Page!
FrumpyGranny's webpage!
My Art Page
My second Family page
A page about anorexia, and me
A link to my wedding pages
Third Art Page